a river runs through it
“I have never seen “Volcanoes” —
But, when Travellers tell
How those old — phlegmatic mountains
Usually so still —
Bear within — appalling Ordnance,
Fire, and smoke, and gun,
Taking Villages for breakfast,
And appalling Men —”
Sirius had a sort of sixth-sense when it came to Reggie.
It’d always been that way, since the moment he was born. He remembered it quite vividly. Everyone called bullshit on it- he’d only just turned three, there was no way he remembered that far back- but he was absolutely certain of it. It was Christmas eve, obviously. He’d been staying at Uncle Alphard’s while mother was at the hospital, constantly asking his uncle if the baby was born yet, constantly getting brushed off with “we don’t know yet”s. Until that night, 3AM on Christmas morning, he woke up and sat right up in bed and he knew that Reggie had been born. He didn’t know his name yet, but he knew of his existence. He just felt it in his chest, like his heart had expanded three sizes, ready to store all the love for this new person who’d only just now come into existence. He just knew. With Reggie, he always just knew.
He went to his uncle’s room and woke him up, told him that his little brother was born, and Alphard had only waved him away and told him that he had no way of knowing that and they’d have to wait for word from his parents’ owl. The next morning, when the owl arrived stating that Reggie had been born at 3AM that Christmas and his parents would be home from the hospital soon, Sirius wasn’t surprised at all. It had only confirmed his suspicions. He and Reggie were connected. Before even meeting, they were connected.
The connection had dimmed over the years, but he still felt it every once in a while.
He’d felt it on Christmas, of course, that gaping hole in his chest where Reggie was supposed to be, a hollow dread, like something horrible was happening. And when he finally caught sight of Reggie after the holiday, it all made sense.
Sirius was in a rather amazing mood at the time, which was the worst part. He’d kissed Remus. No, he’d fucking snogged Remus. He’d fucking been snogged by Remus.
He’d been stressing all morning about seeing him again. The poetry book had soothed his nerves, and reassured him that some semblance of their friendship was intact, but he’d had no idea what to expect when Remus got on that train. And when he did see him… Merlin, he was even more beautiful than he remembered him being. Had he always looked like that? He’d taken Sirius’s breath away- literally, he’d choked on his fucking cigarette while Marlene laughed, quite a humbling experience.
Then, all of a sudden, none of it mattered because Remus was on top of him and snogging him and Sirius had never been so fucking surprised and delighted in his life. He’d left the train in a haze of giddiness, stealing glances at Remus, making eye contact and exchanging mischievous little smiles. He was happier than he’d been all holiday, and all it had taken was one kiss. Well, sort of.
And then he’d seen Reggie, and it had all come crashing down around him.
He looked terrible, tired, skinny and shaken, as any person would after a month in the Black household. The thing that really scared Sirius, sent a jolt straight to his chest, were his eyes. Gone was that empty, apathetic glaze. Reggie was there , fully in focus, and though to most people he’d only look mildly bothered, Sirius could tell he was upset. Really upset.
It scared him, because something really fucking bad had to have happened for Reggie to look so present, so alert and shaken. But he couldn’t help but feel some hope as well. It was almost like seeing the old Reggie. Maybe whatever had happened had been so bad that it’d shaken him from his haze. Maybe now, he could see what their parents really were.
No matter what, Sirius knew the moment he saw him that he was going to have to speak with him. Whatever had happened, he needed to know. He was beginning to have the tiniest, smallest spark of hope that he could get through to him. That he could reach his brother in whatever depths he’d retreated into and pull him out.
“Sirius.”
Sirius tore his eyes away from his brother and his little Slytherin crew to look at Remus, sitting beside him. “Remus,” he said.
“I was asking if there’s gonna be a party tonight?”
“Oh, yeah, of course,” Sirius said. “First night back from holiday, we always have one.”
“Well…” Remus leaned in closer, lowering his voice. “I was thinking we should… uh, talk. Maybe in my room, while everyone else is at the party?”
Sirius smirked. “Definitely, we should,” he said. “Your room, then. 10PM, maybe?”
Honestly, he’d follow Remus into a fucking volcano if it meant getting a repeat performance of the morning’s events.
“Sure, 10PM,” Remus agreed.
He was rather surprised by Remus’s boldness lately, but it was sort of just what he needed. With Reggie on his mind, he really could use a distraction. Sure, he could have Marlene, and, frankly, any girl he wanted, but Remus was all he was really interested in at the moment. He was the only thing that would really satisfy him. The queer thing was… well, it was unfortunate, but he and Remus weren’t queer. They just happened to like each other. Besides, it didn’t feel queer, in the compartment earlier today. It felt fucking good. It felt like exactly what he’d needed. Snogging didn’t make them queer, or in love, or any of that stuff. It was just to feel nice.
Merlin, that compartment incident had really fucking shaken him up. He had a hard time just sitting through dinner. He just wanted to leave and go back to Remus’s room.
But first, when dinner was over, he had one more fucking stop to make. He wasn’t terribly happy about it, but a plan was beginning to form in his mind, and he’d do fucking anything for his baby brother. He was a man on a mission.
“What do you want, Sirius?” Marlene grumbled as he lingered in her doorway after dinner.
“Why do you always assume I want something?”
“‘Cause you’re leaning in the doorway and doing that stupid flirty smile that you think is charming but actually just looks dumb.”
Sirius straightened up, frowning, but pressed on dutifully. “You and Dorcas seem to have patched things up.”
Marlene shrugged, smiling bashfully. “Maybe.”
Sirius grinned. He knew that look. It was the way she’d looked when she talked about him, once upon a time. She really was serious about this chick.
“You should bring her around, y’know?” he said casually. “Like, maybe to our party tonight?”
Marlene’s smile dropped, eyes narrowing suspiciously. Dammit, she knew him too well.
“ You want me to bring a Slytherin to one of our parties?”
“Sure, why not?” he shrugged, pasting on a charming smile.
“Are you forgetting what happened last time she was here for a party?”
“I’ve matured since then.”
“No the fuck you haven’t. You have never matured since the day I met you.” Her eyes roved over his face, and he shrunk instinctively. “Sirius, what’s this about? Be honest.”
“I…”
Fuck it, no use keeping secrets from Marlene. He took a step into her room and closed the door behind him. “I need to become friends with Dorcas,” he said pointedly.
She frowned. “Why?”
Sirius sighed. He really didn’t want to tell anyone, but… he had no choice. He was going to have to let her in on this if it had any chance of working. “Reggie,” he whispered.
Her face softened immediately. “Oh,” she said. She was acutely aware of how sensitive a spot Sirius’s brother was, how rare it was for him to speak of him like this. “I’m listening,” she said gently.
“He looks… he looks really bad, and I’m worried about him- don’t tell anyone I said that - and… he and Dorcas are friends,” he stammered. “And if I can get close to her, I can get close to him, and then I can…”
He could what? Save him? Help him? What the fuck was the ultimate goal here, anyway? Sirius didn’t know. All he knew was that if he could just talk to his baby brother, and have him really listen to him… he’d figure it all out from there.
“Sirius,” Marlene said. “I know how important this is, but I can’t… I’m not going to use her, okay? I’m not going to go on fucking recon missions or any of that bullshit.”
“You don’t have to! Just get her to come over here and I’ll do the rest.”
Marlene bit her lip. “Sirius, she fucking hates you. Not just from that incident. I mean, even before… I think…” she trailed off awkwardly.
“What do you think?”
“I think Regulus talks about you. I think… well, her opinion of you wasn’t exactly positive, even before the party. She probably… she hears another side of the story, y’know?”
Sirius’s heart clenched at the thought. He’d considered it, of course, he’d seen the dirty looks Reggie’s friends cast towards him, the way they practically flanked him whenever Sirius was nearby, but it only made him angrier the more he lingered on it. What the fuck could Reggie possibly be saying about him that was so horrible? All Sirius had ever done was try to be a good fucking brother to him and all Reggie had ever done was throw it back in his face.
It simply made no sense. He hated to think about it.
But still, he reminded himself. He was on a fucking mission. And he’d do anything for his baby brother.
“I know,” he said. “I know. But I have to try something, okay? I’ve never talked to any of his friends before. Maybe this is the right angle.”
“Alright,” Marlene said softly. “I’ll bring her around tonight. I’ll say I want her to get to know my friends. But, Sirius, the rest is up to you. I’m not getting involved in any bullshit.”
“Yes, thank you, Marlene, thank you!” he shot forward to press a kiss to her cheek.
Marlene laughed. “Gross,” she said, wiping her cheek.
“We literally had sex like, a month ago.”
Marlene threw a pillow at him. “Ugh, disgusting, get out. You vulgar man, you.”
By the time he was back to his room, Sirius had a solid plan. He’d hang around the party for the first hour or so, mingle with James and Marlene, talk to Dorcas. He was gonna have to be nice to Dorcas, really nice. He would probably even have to apologize for the incident last time, which was gonna be fucking awful, honestly, but it was unavoidable. If he wanted to get closer to Reggie, Dorcas was the first step. He’d have to swallow his pride just for the night. He could do it, he told himself. He could. Anything for his baby brother.
The thought of where he was going after the party was the only thing keeping him steady at this point. This morning was… well, he was still fucking reeling from it. The best snog he’d ever had. Even better than Marlene back in the day, and he fucking needed more. He could hardly even wait an hour until 10PM. Unfortunately, the hour was going to be fucking miserable, buddying up with Dorcas, but the thought of being with Remus was going to get him through it.
“You’re putting on cologne?”
Sirius froze in the mirror, hands hovering around his neck. “What?”
“You only put on cologne when you think you’re gonna get laid.”
Sirius met James’s eyes in the mirror, allowing himself a little smile. “Maybe I am,” he said slyly, slapping the cologne on.
“Marlene?”
Sirius scoffed. There was a good chance she’d get laid tonight, but it wouldn’t be with him. “Nah,” he said with a shrug. “We’ll see. I’ve just got a feeling about tonight.”
“Me too,” James said. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? So, I’m thinking Lily will see me, and I’ll be like, even better looking than she remembered me being. Maybe she’ll even wanna snog me right then and there. Right?”
Sirius couldn’t resist a smile. “Sure,” he said. “Happens all the time.” He turned to face James. “You look good,” he said.
“Yeah?”
“Totally,” Sirius said, patting down a few flyaway locks of James’s hair. “Go get her,” he said. “I’ll be out in a second.”
James frowned. “You sure?”
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “I’ll be right behind you.”
With James gone and the door shut behind him, Sirius turned back to the mirror, taking another second to compose himself. He looked fucking good. He was wearing his favorite t-shirt, the Led Zeppelin one with the really saggy neckline that showed off his collarbones and jewelry. His hair was a little messy, still sort of matted on the back from where it’d been rubbing up against the seat back on the train, but he didn’t bother to fix it. Messy hair was hot, right? Besides, Remus would certainly know how it got that way.
They were definitely going to snog tonight. Maybe more.
He didn’t know what to expect, but he knew what he wanted.
He did a final once-over. His neck smelled good, his armpits weren’t sweaty or anything, his jeans were baggy enough that they could be removed easily, he wasn’t wearing embarrassing underwear or anything like that… If Remus was thinking what he was thinking, Sirius was ready.
But, first. Time to go swallow his pride and suck up to some fucking Slytherin. For Reggie , he told himself as he left his room and scanned the common room for any sign of Marlene or Dorcas. He just had to get through one shitty hour and then he’d be with Remus.
After fifteen minutes, Marlene and Dorcas hadn’t showed and Sirius was getting sick of it. Usually, he enjoyed this sort of thing, but right now, it just felt like counting down the minutes until he could go to Remus’s room. He wished they could just show up so he could stop stressing about it.
After twenty minutes, his annoyance with Marlene was starting to grow. She knew how serious this Reggie shit was. She’d promised to bring Dorcas along.
After thirty minutes, he stood up from the couch- the same one Remus had sat on on Halloween, and Merlin, didn’t that feel like a long time ago- and stomped through the hallway to Marlene’s room. There were muffled voices behind the door.
He probably shouldn’t listen in, but he couldn’t bring himself to give a fuck as he pressed his ear to the door.
“...should probably go join the party soon.”
Yeah, you fucking should, Marlene.
“I know, it’s just I told you I’m not much of a party person,” came Dorcas’s voice.
“You’re telling me you Slytherins never do this? I mean, come on.”
“We sort of do, but we’re more of a… sit around and get drunk type of friend group. Not like, socializing with the whole damn grade. That’s… a lot. Besides, it’s a school night. People have work to do.”
“You Slytherins and your schoolwork. You’re just Ravenclaws with a splash of bigotry.”
There was a little muffled whump sound, like one of them had playfully hit the other, and a giggle.
“You think I’m bad, huh? First night back from holiday, and Reg’s in the library, the little swot. Can you believe that?”
They kept on talking, but Sirius leaned back from the door, only one phrase bouncing around his head. Reg’s in the library.
Fuck the plan.
His brother was in the library, he was probably alone, and Sirius was going to get him. He was sick of all this silent bullshit. If he wanted his brother back, he was going to have to work for it.
His mind was going crazy, heart pounding as he walked down the halls. He hadn’t had a conversation with Reggie in over a year, since he ran away that summer. And even then, it wasn’t really a conversation. The last time they’d actually spoke to each other amicably, as brothers, well… Sirius couldn’t even think of it. It’d been a very, very long time.
For all of Marlene’s joking about Sirius being incapable of maturity, he felt matured. Christmas had been a horrible time, but in a way, it had helped him come to terms with his feelings. He really fucking missed Reggie. A month ago, he’d have said he hated him, but now, he was beginning to realize that love and hate weren’t so far from each other. He hated what he did, who he’d become, but he could never truly hate Reggie himself. It would be impossible. And he didn’t believe that Reggie hated him. He couldn’t believe it. He had to believe that there was something salvageable left of his brother.
His hand raised to his neck, tugging his shirt collar down to ensure that the star pendant was visible. He needed Reggie to see it. He’d still never taken it off, not even after everything.
It took no time at all to find him. His favorite spot in the library was still the same since first year: the couch in the furthest corner from the entrance, tucked away behind a bookshelf, only noticeable if you really looked for it.
Reggie was curled up against the armrest, nose buried in some book, black curls falling into his eyes, and it was such a familiar, domestic scene that Sirius’s chest swelled with emotion. It had been so long since he’d seen Reggie like this, normal and safe and comfortable . There had been no comfort in the Black household, not since the moment that sorting hat touched his head. It felt, looking at him, that they were in some alternate universe, where their parents were normal and everything was happy and they could just be normal brothers. Normal kids. They could be in their living room right now, sitting in comfortable silence, Reggie reading, Sirius listening to his walkman or writing poetry or something, their parents off doing whatever it is normal parents do all day.
His heart pounded in his ears. He didn’t want to speak. He wanted to hold onto that other life for a little bit longer. But eventually, Reggie would look up, and if he caught Sirius staring at him like this he’d say something horrible or simply make a run for it. Sirius had no choice.
He took a tentative step forward and whispered gently, gentler than he even thought himself capable, “Reggie.”
Reggie stiffened immediately, eyes darting up to look at Sirius, wide like a spooked animal. He froze, muscles tense. “...Sirius?” he breathed, like he couldn’t quite believe it was him.
For a moment, neither of them spoke. They hadn’t been this close to each other fucking forever. Sirius hadn’t heard his own name on Reggie’s mouth in fucking forever. Both seemed afraid to move. Reggie’s grip had tightened on his book, knuckles going even whiter than his skin tone, and it was impossible for Sirius to ignore the way they shook, fingers twitching slightly. He knew what that meant, though he didn’t want to think about it.
He took another step forward, as tentative and gentle as he possibly could, and bent his knees slightly so his eyeline was in line with Reggie. He still looked skinny, and tired, but just a few hours away from Grimmauld Place had had a noticeable effect on his appearance. His eyes were clear and brighter than Sirius had seen them in a while, fully present, shocked, but not upset. Not upset yet , he told himself. He had to tread lightly.
“Are you…” he said softly. “Are you okay?”
He couldn’t figure out if it was the right thing to say. Reggie, even to Sirius, who could read him better than anyone else, had an impressively cold poker face.
“What?” he asked blankly, barely a whisper.
“Are you okay?”
Reggie’s expression was beginning to shift, something like flustered disbelief taking over his features. “What?” he repeated, more incredulous this time.
Reggie clearly had no intentions of answering the question, so Sirius pressed on. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday.”
That, it seemed, had been the wrong thing to say. Reggie’s gaze hardened immediately, silver eyes like cold stones, and Sirius’s heart sank. He could practically see the walls going up. He searched frantically for something else to say, something to fix it. He only found himself stammering, again, “Are you-”
“Merlin, Sirius, stop asking me that!” Reggie hissed. “What are you doing?”
“I just… I just want to see if you’re-”
“If you say okay one more time-”
“Why can’t I ask if you’re okay?”
“Because I don’t want you to.”
“What do you mean, you don’t-”
“I just don’t, so stop it-”
“Merlin, stop acting like a child!”
However unconsciously, Sirius had raised his voice, and his chest seized with guilt at the immediate effect it had on Reggie. His eyes had hardened even further, slamming the book shut and clutching it tight to his chest with white knuckles. Sirius read the back cover: A River Runs Through It. It looked like a muggle novel. Mother would throw a fit.
Reggie’s eyes were darting about, past Sirius, like he was planning his escape. Sirius had sort of cornered him, he realized, unconsciously stepping closer to the couch until there was no real way to get past him without running right into him.
Fuck , Sirius thought. This was still salvageable. He could save it, somehow. He took a step back, putting his hands up.
“Reggie, I just wanna-”
“Don’t call me that.”
“...okay, Regulus , I just wanna talk-”
“Well, I don’t.”
Fuck, he was really shutting down. Sirius ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself. If he snapped again, this was all over.
“Okay,” he sighed. “Okay, Reggie, just-”
“I said don’t call me that.”
“Okay,” Sirius said, his voice tinged with hysteria. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry, just-”
Reggie chose that moment to hop up from the couch and make a run for it. Instinctively, Sirius’s hand darted out to clasp around Reggie’s arm tightly. His fingers reached all the way around it. Fuck, he was skinny. Reggie hit Sirius with his free hand, squirming frantically in his grip. “Don’t touch me!” he hissed.
Sirius tugged on his arm, pulling him closer. Reggie’s eyes were darting all about the library, refusing to meet Sirius’s gaze, as if looking for someone to come and save him. Like he needed to be saved from him. Like Sirius was mother or something.
Fuck, Reggie made him feel evil. He wanted to let go, but he couldn’t let him run away. He couldn’t let him go.
“ Please , Reggie, I need to talk to you, please just hear me out. You don’t even have to say anything, just-”
Reggie made another attempt at escape, stomping hard on Sirius’s foot and yanking his arm away again. Sirius grunted in pain, knee buckling slightly, but tightened his grip on Reggie, pulling him closer. “Look at me!”
Reggie shook his head stubbornly, still trying to yank his arm away, other hand scrabbling at Sirius’s arm like a kitten in an attempt to get him to release it. “Sirius, let me go, let me go-”
“What is wrong with you, just listen to me for one fucking second-”
“No, no-”
“Just stop for one second, please -”
“Why are you doing this to me-”
“Why am I doing this, are you fucking- Reggie, I love you!”
Reggie went still. Staring at the floor, chest heaving with little pants, clutching the book to his chest like a child would hold a stuffed animal.
He looked up at Sirius. His gaze had softened, eyes alive and fully present. He didn’t look angry. Just sad.
"Why are you being so mean, Siri?" he asked, voice soft and shaky.
Fuck. Fuck.
Sirius released his arm. Reggie didn’t move, frozen, locked in Sirius’s gaze.
“Just one minute, Reggie. Give me one minute. Just listen to me.”
Reggie stayed frozen. For a moment, Sirius couldn’t move either, awaiting his answer, until he realized: Reggie’s silence was an answer. His minute had already begun.
Fuck, okay. He’d gotten through to him. What does he say now?
“Reggie, I-”
“What’s going on here?”
Another voice. They had to be fucking kidding him.
Evan Rosier rounded the corner and Sirius Black was about ready to punch something. God or whoever the fuck was in charge of the universe was having a real laugh at his expense right now.
“Fuck off, Rosier,” he said.
“You fuck off, man, leave him alone.”
“He wants to talk to me,” Sirius insisted. “He agreed to it!”
Rosier’s gaze turned to Reggie, who stood between them, swaying uncertainly. His gaze was back on the floor.
“Do you want to talk to him, Reg?”
Sirius held his breath as both their gazes settled on him. Come on, Reggie.
Reggie looked up, met Sirius’s gaze with eyes like cold silver, and said, louder than anything else he’d said that night, “No.”
“ No , no, what the fuck , Reggie, you said you’d give me a minute-”
“Dude, seriously, you need to leave him the fuck alone, get out,” Evan said, shoving Sirius lightly. Sirius whirled on him.
“Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway, sticking your nose in our business like this?” he spat. “What, you think you’re his big brother or something?”
Evan took a step back and shrugged. “Well, someone has to be.”
A beat.
And Sirius punched him.
It was a really shitty punch, mostly because Sirius had never really thrown a punch in his life, but he put everything into it, throwing himself at Evan and relishing the blunt pain on his knuckles. It was a good pain, because it meant Evan was feeling it too. The next few moments were a whirlwind of activity. Evan punched him back, right on his cheekbone. He may have punched Evan again, he didn’t know, but his fist hurt even more now. He and Evan were yelling terrible things at each other, none of the insults really landing in all of the chaos.
Reggie didn’t say a word. He never yelled. Sirius wished he would. He wished he’d yell at him. Hell, he wished he’d punch him. Anything but this bullshit silent treatment he was getting.
When the librarian came by to break it up and give them both detention, Reggie was already gone.
By the time Sirius was standing outside Remus’s door, he felt about five seconds from breaking down or exploding or just dropping dead right there. His cheek throbbed. His hand throbbed. His eyes stung. He was pretty sure he’d been crying. Hopefully it wasn’t noticeable. He needed something to make this night not completely fucking horrible. He needed Remus.
Remus answered the door with a flat expression and an exasperated sigh. “Sirius, it’s ten-forty- what the hell?”
Sirius invited himself in, brushing past Remus and slamming the door behind him.
“What the hell happened to you?”
Sirius turned to face Remus’s wide-eyed, concerned face, grabbed it, and kissed it.
He was expecting the rest of the world to melt away, the way it always seemed to when he was with Remus. He wanted it to fix everything. He needed to forget about Reggie and Evan and the bruise on his face and his aching knuckles. But it wasn’t happening. Remus’s lips were tightly shut beneath him, his body stiff and awkward. Sirius let out a little grunt of frustration and tightened his grip on Remus’s face, pulling him closer, trying to get him to return the kiss. It wasn’t working. Nothing worked, nothing ever worked, why couldn’t anything just work out for him just fucking once?
Remus tried to say something, but the words died against Sirius’s lips. He didn’t want to talk right now, couldn’t Remus see that? Why was he doing this?
A strong hand came up to sit on Sirius’s chest, and yes, finally, fucking touch me, please.
But it was only to push him back, gently at first, and then harshly when the first time didn’t work. Sirius was stumbling back, cheeks burning, lips horribly cold.
“Sirius!” Remus cried.
Sirius shrank back instinctively. He seemed angry. Sirius didn’t like it.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Sirius was left momentarily speechless. What did it look like he was doing? Remus had invited him to his room at 10PM during a party when they’d just snogged that morning, what did he think was going to happen? He was so thrown, the only thing that could come out was a stupid, “Uhhh.”
Remus’s brows furrowed. “Are you drunk?”
“Merlin, I fucking wish I was,” Sirius sighed, running a hand down his face. “Fuck, fuck.” His hand still throbbed. It was shaking a little bit. He kept it up there, in front of his eyes. He didn’t want to see Remus and his anger.
“Look,” Remus said with a heavy sigh, his voice a bit softer. “I didn’t mean to yell, okay? I’m not mad, really, don’t get upset.”
Sirius was so fucking exhausted he couldn’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed that Remus had deemed him upset. “You’re not?”
“No, I’m not, it’s fine, just…”
Sirius pulled the hand away from his eyes. Remus just looked concerned now, brows furrowed, gaze softened considerably.
“It’s just, I really just meant that I wanted to talk. That’s all. Sorry that you, uh, got the wrong idea.”
Sirius stared at him numbly.
“I just, I wanted to talk about our friendship and- or- I guess I should apologize for what I did this morning. It was out of line, I know, and I’m sorry. I don’t- I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t mind it,” Sirius said.
It seemed to throw Remus off his rhythm, at least. He stammered rather adorably at the next few lines of his obviously thought-out speech. “I- uh- okay, yeah, but- just- listen, Sirius, we just need to be friends, okay? Just friends. Whatever this is between us, we can’t let it go on. It’s not- it’s- ugh. We just- we can’t, okay?”
“You snogged this shit out of me this morning, Remus,” Sirius said flatly.
“I know, I know, and I’m sorry, and I shouldn’t have, it was stupid and I’m sorry. But we just- we both need to get over this, okay? I need to get over this. It’s only going to mess things up, so let’s just… let’s just be friends, okay? Just friends. We can do that,” he nodded frantically, running a hand through his hair as if to reassure himself. “We can do that,” he repeated.
Sirius watched him numbly, disappointment settling in his gut. He was too tired for embarrassment, or shame, but the disappointment was almost more crushing. He never got what he wanted, so why did he keep letting himself get excited? Why wasn’t he used to it by now?
“Fine, just friends. Fucking whatever,” Sirius said, his voice uncomfortably tight. “Are we done here?” He needed to go back to his room. He needed James.
“No! No, just- don’t go yet, okay? What happened to your face? Who did that?”
Sirius pinched the space between his eyes. The fucking audacity, he thought, for Remus to just drop him like that and then pretend to care about what happened to his damn face. “Fucking family drama, it’s not important,” he said in an obviously dismissive tone, taking a step to the door.
“Was it about Regulus?”
That stopped him in his tracks.
Why was Remus talking about Reggie? Remus wasn’t supposed to think about Reggie. Remus and Reggie were in completely different worlds. He didn’t get to talk about Reggie. “What?”
“I saw him on the train this morning, he looked kinda… hurt, I dunno. Upset. It was kinda worrying, I guess…”
Sirius whirled to face Remus, anger flaring in his chest. “What the fuck? You’re spying on my brother now?”
“Spying?” Remus asked, startled. “Sirius, I bumped into him, it was an accident-”
“And you didn’t think to tell me?”
“What?”
“My little brother looked hurt and it didn’t cross your mind that I might wanna fucking know?”
Remus was speechless, bewildered in the face of Sirius’s sudden anger, but Sirius couldn’t stop it. Remus didn’t know shit about Reggie, he had no fucking right to talk about him like that, he shouldn’t even be looking at him, really, because Reggie was Sirius’s little brother, not his and Remus didn’t know anything and he’d been acting like a fucking asshole all day. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
“I-” Remus stammered. “I was-”
“You were too busy snogging me, right, Mr. just-friends?”
“Sirius-”
“Fuck you, Remus. Fuck you. What the fuck am I even doing here?”
“Sirius, what the-”
“If we’re not gonna fuck, I’m fucking leaving,” Sirius turned from Remus, eyes burning, and made for the door, words still coming out in harsh anger. He wasn’t even thinking about it anymore, he was just talking. “This is so fucking stupid, this is so fucking stupid, why did you even-”
A hand clasped around his arm, stopping him before he reached the door. Sirius tried to pull away on instinct, but Remus was fucking strong, and it almost felt good, Remus’s flesh gripping his, even though it wasn’t the way he wanted it.
“Sirius, stop,” Remus said. “Just stop, slow down.”
“Fucking let me go, Remus,” Sirius found himself saying. “Don’t fucking touch me-”
“Sirius…”
Remus’s tone was so kind, so concerned, Sirius hated it. “Don’t fucking touch me,” he said again. His hand felt so good clasped around his arm. He didn’t want him to let go. His chest hurt. He was panting really hard, like he’d just been running or something, which didn’t make any sense. None of this made sense. He was still mumbling, but he didn’t know what he was saying. He focused on the hand on his arm, trying to ground himself with the warm firmness of Remus’s flesh, but just as he was beginning to calm down the hand was gone.
“Why did you let go?” he snapped, hysterically, vaguely aware that he was making no sense but not enough to fix it. “Put it back, put it back-”
Remus seized him by the shoulders and suddenly he was all over him, strong arms wrapped around his shoulders, his face pressed right against his chest, and- don’t fucking touch me- but- it was nice, actually. It was better than the hand on his arm. He buried his face in the soft fabric of his jumper, inhaling the musky scent, allowing the rest of the world to fade away for a moment. Remus was whispering softly, running a hand up and down his arm.
“Just breathe, Sirius. Breathe. Calm down, love, it’s okay. Breathe.”
Sirius shut his eyes and breathed, trying to match the rise and fall of Remus’s chest against his forehead. In. Out. In. Out. He wasn’t crying, not really. He was too tired to cry. He was just standing there, panting silently. He tried to immerse himself completely in Remus’s presence, forget about everything else that had happened that night, breathing in his jumper through a stuffy nose and stinging eyes. It was nice. Remus was nice.
He stayed in the jumper for a long while. He didn’t want to leave.
At a certain point, the amount of time was probably getting embarrassing, and the capacity for embarrassment was beginning to return to him, which must be a good sign. He pulled back reluctantly, wincing at the cold air on his skin. His vision came into focus slowly, blinking the bleariness out to stare straight ahead at the ugly knit pattern on Remus’s chest.
“I- I think I got snot on your jumper,” he said blankly.
“Sirius, I couldn’t give less of a shit about snot on my jumper.”
“Well, that’s good.”
“Sirius,” a hand gripped his chin gently, tilted it up so he had to look into Remus’s eyes. Remus looked almost as upset as Sirius imagined he himself did, face pale, eyes wide with concern and bewilderment. “Are you okay? I- what the fuck happened? What the fuck?”
He was not talking about Reggie, not with Remus. Not even with him looking at him like that, so sweet and concerned and nice.
“I’ve just- I’ve had a bad day,” Sirius explained, wiping at his eyes and sniffing in an attempt to compose himself. “I just freaked out. I’m not mad at you, not really.”
“Do you wanna-”
“I don't wanna talk about it.”
“Okay. I- okay. That’s fine.” Remus drew in a deep breath. “I shouldn't have brought up Regulus, it wasn’t my place. I’m sorry. It’s just, I know you’ve had it hard and I…”
He kept on talking, but Sirius’s brain had stuttered to a halt, a chill running down his body, stiffening his limbs. Suddenly, Remus didn’t feel so nice anymore. He took a step back.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he demanded, stopping Remus in the middle of whatever else he’d been saying.
Remus blinked. “Huh?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, that we’ve had it hard? ”
“I mean…” Remus stared at him, bewildered, and Sirius needed him to stop looking at him like that, like he was something to pity because he wasn’t. He wasn’t. Remus didn’t know a fucking thing about him. “I just figured everyone knew...”
“What are you talking about?”
“I…”
“No, seriously, what the fuck are you talking about, Remus?”
“Merlin, Sirius, take a breath-”
“No, fucking answer me , what the fuck?”
Sirius was overreacting, he was being mean, but he didn’t fucking care. Who did Remus think he was, making assumptions about this shit? He didn’t know anything.
“I just… I just thought-”
“Well, you thought fucking wrong, okay?”
“Okay, Sirius. Merlin, it’s just, you had to leave them for some reason-”
“Yeah, because they’re crazy fucking blood supremacists who worship the dark lord, okay? What did you think, they were like, beating the shit out of me every day or something? They’re not like that, they never did that, so you can shut the fuck up about things you don’t understand! Merlin, and here I was thinking we were gonna fuck, meanwhile you just wanna talk about my fucking family ‘cause you think I’m some kind of charity case or something…”
“I don’t think that, Sirius, Merlin! I’m sorry, alright, I didn’t mean to get you all upset-”
“So you’re not really sorry, then.”
“What?
“Your bullshit apology, it’s not about me, it’s about fucking you .”
“The hell are you on about now?”
Remus sounded exasperated, like he was fucking annoyed, and what fucking right did he have to be annoyed? He was the one who’d been acting like an asshole, not Sirius. Sirius hadn’t even done anything wrong. He couldn’t stop the anger, like hot water boiling over.
“You said you were sorry for upsetting me, not that you were sorry for what you said, which means that you really think I was overreacting, and you just apologized because you were sick of me being mad at you, which is more about sparing you the trouble of dealing with me than actually being fucking sorry!”
“Well, frankly, yeah, I am sick of dealing with you because you’re acting bloody crazy right now!”
“Fuck you, I’m not fucking crazy, you’re fucking crazy!”
“Yeah, because sane people yell at their friends like this all the time, totally normal, totally-”
“And, by the way, friends is fucking bullshit and you know it, Remus! Just friends? I mean, fuck off with that, you’re fucking obsessed with me!”
“ Obsessed? You think I’m obsessed with you?”
“Yeah, you are, just like every other person at this fucking school-”
“You are the most self-centered, egotistical, self-obsessed-” Remus stopped himself, suddenly, panting. He ran a hand down his face with a heavy sigh. “Sirius, what the hell are we even arguing about anymore?”
It only annoyed Sirius more, watching Remus calm down like that. He wanted him to get mad. He wanted him to keep yelling, so Sirius could keep yelling too. “You and your bullshit! Your obsession with me!”
Remus, infuriatingly, didn’t rise to the bait. “Sirius, I’m tired,” he said simply.
“The fuck do you have to be tired of?”
“You. ” Remus said calmly. “I don’t know what you’re on right now, but go sleep it off before you do something drastic.”
Sirius paused. He was tired. Really fucking tired. He took a few steps toward the door, almost ready to back down, but he didn’t want to leave yet. The anger was still there, nothing had made it go away. He didn’t even know if it was at Remus anymore, but he needed to be rid of it somehow.
Fuck Remus, with his stupid responsible adult voice, trying to be all reasonable or whatever. Something drastic. He’d show him something fucking drastic. He turned back to face him when he reached the door, hand hovering above the knob.
“Watch this, ready? Poof , we’re not friends anymore. Fuck you, Remus, have fun without me.”
He slammed the door behind him as hard as possible.
“If the stillness is Volcanic
In the human face
When upon a pain Titanic
Features keep their place —
If at length the smouldering anguish
Will not overcome —
And the palpitating Vineyard
In the dust, be thrown?
If some loving Antiquary,
On Resumption Morn,
Will not cry with joy “Pompeii”!
To the Hills return!”
- “I have never seen ‘Volcanoes’,” Emily Dickinson