Tell Remus I Love Him
They were dead, they were both dead, and Mary hated him and fuck knew where Remus was or what he thought.
Remus. Remus I love you, Remus. I'm sorry I shouted Remus. Come home, Remus. Come back to be Remus.
They had taken his picture when he had changed into the striped pyjamas, he'd screamed at them, tried to get to the camera, screaming his innocence but these guards must have had no ears. the threw him into a cell and now here he was.
Two months later sitting at the window to his cell, it was a full Moon. He'd been cry and had only just settled down he was chocking in breaths leaning his head against the stone wall.
A howl erupted from the trees and Sirius screamed as he cried.
"REMUS!" He yelled, desperate for the wolf to hear him. He knew it wasn't Remus. It wasn't his Moony. It was some other wolf, but he needed them to know, he needed Remus to know. Remus was out there. Alone, tearing himself to shreds, no one to patch him up, no one to run with him and keep him safe.
"REMUS!" he screamed again. His throat was starting to hurt, but he didn't care, he'd go mute before he stopped crying.
"REMUS PLEASE!" He was saying please so much, to himself, to dead people. To Remus.
He wished he could write a letter to him, to his Moony.
"Remus please," He whispered his whole body shaking with sobs, "Remus please, I love you, I love you Remus. I love you Remus. IT WASN'T ME REMUS!"
Was he drinking? Had he been drinking?
Sirius curled his knees up the his chest, wrapping his arms around them and burying his head down, he as crying, shaking, he couldn't breathe, he'd never cried like this before. He was breathing in short gasps, his head spinning, his whole body aching.
"You're a fully grown man Sirius. Stop crying."
Sirius looked up to find Remus leaning against the wall of his cell, eyes full of hatred.
"Remus! Please, it wasn't me! You have to believe that!"
"And why should I believe you when you never believed me!? I told you I wasn't the fucking spy, you never trusted me though. So I left. I'm so much happier now your gone. I was a stupid teenager to stay with you for so long. I'm much happier than the back. You really thought your stupid dog Animagus could make me happy? You really thought you could make me happy?"
"But Moony I love you!"
"I hate you Sirius."
And with that, Remus spat on the ground and turned away, he walked through the wall and Sirius let out another full body scream.
Day's had passed, months? Years? He didn't know. He didn't care. He'd been lying on the floor of his cell, curled up tight in a ball when suddenly a thought hit him. He straightened up, standing so fast that black spots clouded his vision.
"Harry!" He breathed.
"Dead." He whipped around to find James standing at the other side of the cell,
"What?"
"D-E-A-D. Dead, are you fucking dumb Sirius? You killed him. You killed all of us, me, Lily, Harry. You ruined everything. You destroyed everything. I was happy, Padfoot. I was happy with my family and, as always, you had to ruin it. You always ruin everything!"
"But it was Peter!"
"Oh don't even get me started on Peter! You not only killed him but then tried to blame him. You know, he wasn't the best but he was better than you. Always was, I have no idea what Moony saw in you. I only kept you around 'cause I felt sorry for you. Then you left your family. I would have dumbed you after that but then you had to come to MY. HOUSE!? You never even asked if that was okay? My parents didn't know what to do either, they hated you, we all did. Who would like you? I don't know how Moony put up with you for so long. Your awful. We should have made Peter our secret keeper, then maybe my BABY SON! Would still be alive. Only made you his godfather because I didn't want you to feel left out. Maybe I should have made you feel left out. Then maybe you would have gotten the hint and pissed off back to you disgusting family, that's where you belong, disgusting. All of you. Especially you, Sirius. Disgusting.
Sirius flopped against the wall sliding down to the floor. He was disgusting. He'd never asked James if he could stay, he'd ruined James's life then ended it. He'd made his life horrible then ended it. He didn't deserve to be here. He looked around for a rock, or anything to throw at the window, he had to leave. If he just jumped.
He threw himself at the window. Elbow, then knee he kept throwing himself at the window in a desperate attempt to break it. He had to leave.
"Don't." Lily was standing next to him, red, fiery hair blowing in the breeze coming through a crack Sirius had made.
"Don't. We don't want you dead."
Sirius stopped throwing himself at the window and turned to look at her,
"You don't?"
"Death would be a mercy. We like you here. Stay here, it's as horrible a place as your soul."
And with that she was gone. Sirius stared. He didn't want to make anything any worse. He'd already ruined their lives, he had to let them have peace in death.
He wanted to cry he wanted to scream. He kicked the wall, pain shooting up his foot. The pain was good, it was grounding. He kicked the wall again breathing in deeply and the pain rattled his leg. He kicked the wall repeatedly as he resisted everything he knew in his head.
My name is Sirius Orion Black.
I was framed for killing James and Lily Potter.
James loved me, he was my best friend.
Peter Pettigrew killed them.
Peter Pettigrew was the secret keeper. Not me.
Remus Lupin was my boyfriend.
I love Remus Lupin.
Remus Lupin hates me.
Remus Lupin is a werewolf.
Remus Lupin is on his own.
I love Remus Lupin.