Black Manor
James
James couldn’t help himself. He knew it was a bad idea, had known it since the talk with Sirius two days ago, but… well. He had to deliver his gift to Regulus somehow. And who can trust the mail these days, right?
That was what he told himself as he stared at the solid black door in front of him, a daunting entrance to an even more daunting house.
James had only been inside the Black manor once, and it had ended in cold goodbyes and being unable to see Sirius for a week. The Blacks had picked him apart vehemently after inviting him under the pretense of wanting to meet Sirius’ friends. Sirius had warned him not to go. He hadn’t listened. It hadn’t mattered much, anyway- the Blacks already hadn’t approved of pretty much anyone Sirius hung around, so James hadn’t really thought he’d be the exception. But it had meant that he’d seen just how awful Walburga and Orion Black were in person.
But right now, the most daunting thing about the house wasn’t Sirius’ parents. James was well aware that they were out of town and had left Regulus alone for the holidays. Right now, the daunting thing was actually the boy inside.
James and Regulus hadn’t spoken since the snow fight, and James had tried to stay away as long as possible. He really had. He knew the whole thing had made Regulus uncomfortable, had caused a scene that Regulus had turned away from immediately. And he was certain that Regulus knew what Sirius had said to him, that Sirius would’ve made James promise to stay away.
What James didn’t know was how to explain to Regulus that he didn’t really care. He loved Sirius, that fact had been proven countless times, but James wanted to try. Wanted this to work, really work. And two days had been more than enough to realize that he couldn’t listen to Sirius even if he wanted to.
So James gripped the small, wrapped present tightly in one hand as he knocked on the door with the other. It was only after the first knock rattled through the door that James winced, realizing too late just how loud the noise was in the silent house.
There was a long pause where James wasn’t sure if Regulus was even home, and then the black door swung open to reveal Regulus, gaze cold and expression almost bored. He looked so regal that it nearly took James breath away, sending a shock through his nervous system. Regulus always looked well put-together, but this… this was almost a different person.
As soon as those green eyes landed on James, James could see the manicured exterior soften just a little. It was still there, but now it seemed more like the person that James had gotten to know, and distantly James wondered if Regulus had thought that maybe a friend of his parents had decided to drop by.
Regulus’ didn’t say anything, but his lips parted just slightly in surprise, and when his gaze flickered down to the box in James’ hands, his gaze narrowed in suspicion.
James cleared his throat, trying not to seem too nervous. “Late Christmas present.”
Regulus arched an eyebrow, leaning on the doorframe and crossing his arms. The stance was casual, and James felt his throat tighten as he resisted the urge to admire the other boy.
“You came all the way here for that?”
“Yeah, well.” James shifted, flashing a grin that he hoped was disarming just enough for Regulus to not notice the tension that seeped from him. “Wouldn’t want you to think I forgot.”
Regulus studied him for a long moment before stepping aside, jerking his chin in a motion for James to follow him. “You’re lucky my parents aren’t home.”
“I knew they weren’t,” James said automatically, and Regulus paused in surprise. James let out a nervous laugh, taking the opportunity to step inside before Regulus could change his mind. “Sirius.”
“Right,” Regulus said slowly, turning and making his way down the long hallway. James ignored the pictures on the wall adamantly, trying not to feel annoyed at the way it felt like they were watching him. It was a testament to the Black legacy, and that fact alone made James want to burn the house to the ground. And he liked to think he wasn’t a violent person.
“It’s cold in here,” James said absentmindedly as they entered the drawing room. Regulus settled on the couch, not responding as he nodded to one of the arm chairs near him. “You really don’t mind it?”
“I’m used to it.” Regulus shrugged and didn’t offer much else, just watching James. There was a guarded sort of expression in his eyes, as if expecting James to drop the gift and flee, or for a lecture on how James had to stay away. What made it worse was that James didn’t know how to break through that wall, to tell Regulus that what had happened the day after Christmas didn’t matter. That he still wanted this.
“Right,” was all James said, and instead of sitting in the armchair, he took the spot on the other side of the couch. No fire crackled here, nothing to offer warmth despite the fact that this room was made for being social.
Regulus’ eyes widened almost imperceptibly at James’ choice of seat, but he didn’t move, like James had thrown him a challenge.
If this doesn’t bother you, it won’t bother me, he almost seemed to say. I won’t let it.
“Well,” James said, offering the present to the younger boy in an attempt to break the tension. “It’s nothing special. Or fancy. But I thought you’d like it.”
Regulus took it gently as if scared to break it, and James tried to remember to breathe. It had been a while since he’d gotten a gift for Regulus. It had been a while since he’d thought Regulus would want one from him, actually.
Regulus pulled one of the strings of the bow to loosen it, and as James planned, the paper fell open neatly to reveal a book-shaped box. He knew how Regulus hated messes, and couldn’t even imagine him ripping open wrapping paper, little shreds of it going everywhere. Regulus’ face was impartial, and James found himself leaning forward slightly to see his reaction as he slid the top of the box up and off.
Inside, thick leather the color of moss shone. The cover was blank and inconspicuous, save for small silver lettering in the corner that caught the light as Regulus lifted it up. The letters spelled out R.A.B., and Regulus’ thumb brushed gently over them. The hints of a smile had begun to push its way onto Regulus’ face, and James licked his lips nervously.
Regulus put the lid neatly back on the box before opening the book. Lined musical staffs filled every page, each one blank. James’ gaze flickered to the book briefly, a twinge of pride flashing through him, but when he looked back up the smile had vanished off of Regulus’ face.
“Music sheets. For piano,” Regulus said softly, flipping through the pages. At the bottom of each page, at the same placement as the cover, R.A.B. was written to mark it as Regulus’. To James’ dismay, his face had gone slightly cold again. “Thank you, James.”
“Well, I know you play,” James said carefully, trying to figure out where he’d misstepped.
“My parents-” Regulus spoke before he could stop himself, and then shook his head. “Yes, I do.”
“Right. So, I don’t know, I thought… well.” Embarrassment flushed his cheeks a deep red color. “I thought that you always play what everyone else wants, right? But I thought you could write your own, with this. Your own music, I mean. Take piano from being something you should do to something you want to do. For you.”
Regulus stared at him like he’d grown another head. James let out an awkward cough, shifting and pushing his glasses up. The silence stretched between them for what felt like an eternity, and then,
“Thank you,” Regulus said again, his voice softer than it had been before. “James, I… thank you. I love it.”
“Yeah?” James murmured, heart jumping to his throat.
“Yeah.” This time, a real smile flashed to Regulus’ face. “This might be the first thing that I have that’s not… that’s mine. Just for me. So thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” James’ voice was quiet, and somehow Regulus seemed closer than he was before. James could smell the sandalwood cologne he always wore, could see every individual curl in the other boy’s hair. “Reg…”
“James,” Regulus whispered in response. Hearing his name on Regulus’ lips sent a shock through him, and this time when he licked his lips nervously, Regulus’ gaze flickered down to watch.
A sharp knock sounded through the house, startling Regulus so much that he jerked away from James abruptly. Already mourning the loss of closeness, James forced a smile.
“Expecting someone?”
“No,” Regulus said shortly, setting the leather-bound book on the coffee table before pushing to his feet. James could see the persona that he’d had on before- the one James had never gotten used to- click into place. Regulus padded softly into the entrance hall, footsteps silent, and James followed him apprehensively. He didn’t know what to say if Walburga and Orion had come home early, or if one of their friends- the Malfoys, for instance- had come to check on Regulus.
But when Regulus swung open the door, what James saw waiting for him was almost worse.
Sirius.
Fuck.
“So this is where you disappeared to,” Sirius said as he pushed the door open further and stepped inside. Regulus blinked in surprise as Sirius stepped past him, shutting the door hesitantly.
“I had to give Regulus his Christmas present,” James said with the best air of nonchalance he could muster. “I’m not sneaking around or anything.”
“You didn’t tell anyone you left, or where you were going, James,” Sirius gave him a tight-lipped smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re absolutely sneaking around.”
James felt hatred bubble up through his chest, threatening to make him throw up. But the hatred wasn’t aimed at Sirius, it was aimed at the tension that had steeped between them for the last few days. The tension that coated Sirius’ words with a thick tang of distrust.
“This is between James and I,” Regulus frowned at Sirius. “He just gave me a gift because I gave him one. That’s all. This has nothing to do with you.”
“This has everything to do with me!” Sirius snapped, though his gaze was still trained on James, like he wasn’t speaking to Regulus at all. “You’ve always been in my life, James. You think I can ignore the fact that you’re getting involved with my brother?”
Regulus shifted slightly closer to James, cold anger seeping from him. “I’m not your property, Sirius.”
“I’m not treating you like property,” Sirius grit out through clenched teeth, eyes flicking from James’ face to Regulus’. “But this whole situation is messy, and you’re letting it happen.”
The word messy seemed to strike like a physical blow to Regulus, who stiffened. “I don’t need you to police who I talk to.”
“You’re not- this would never work. Don’t you see that? I’m trying to help.” Sirius’ voice turned pleading, but instead of softening Regulus, it seemed to have the opposite effect.
“Isn’t that part of the problem, Sirius? The problem you love to preach at me every time I’m home? That everyone is trying to tell me what I am?”
The air between them all went still, and Sirius closed his eyes for a brief second. “That’s not… I’m not trying to tell you what you are, Reggie. I just don’t think this will work.”
“That’s the problem,” Regulus snapped. “You think you’re helping me, but you’re not. You don’t get to control my life, you don’t get to tell me what’s best. You’ve always made that decision for me and then you’re angry when I don’t agree. And you don’t give me any time to think about it for myself.”
“That’s not what I-”
“And acting that way is no better than them.”
James froze and Sirius stopped talking, shock radiating off of him. Something in Regulus’ eyes flickered, as if he wanted to take the words back. But they were already out there, floating around each of their heads.
“I think you should go,” Regulus said after a pause, voice more rough than James had ever heard it.
Sirius blinked rapidly, before giving a shallow nod and brushing past the both of them. Without a word he opened the door, letting it click softly shut behind him as he left.
“I’ll see you later,” James said quietly, and despite everything that had happened between him and Sirius in the past few days, he was itching to follow his best friend to make sure he was okay. Regulus nodded and turned without waiting to see if James would actually leave, heading up the stairs and into the further darkness of the house.
It took James almost no time at all to catch up with Sirius. It was almost like Sirius had waited for him, like he’d known James would come after him. Like he’d known that he could count on James regardless of the tension between them.
“He didn’t mean that,” James said immediately, slowing his pace to match Sirius’. “He’s just upset.”
“He did mean that,” Sirius countered, scowling at the ground. James couldn’t tell if he was upset at himself, or at Regulus. “You don’t say something like that and not mean it.”
“I don’t think he did,” James said adamantly. “And it’s not true, regardless. You’re nothing like them.”
“But what if I am?” Sirius spun to face James, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. “I’m controlling you, I’m controlling him-”
“You’re scared for him,” James clarified. “And for me. There’s a big difference.”
“Is there?” Sirius let the words ruminate, looking at the ground. “What if that’s why she is the way she is? My mom? Because she scared for us? That doesn’t make what she did okay.”
“No, it doesn’t,” James agreed. “But she doesn’t care about changing, or working on it. She wouldn’t be having this crisis right now, would she?”
“No,” Sirius admitted reluctantly. “But being introspective about it doesn’t make it okay, either.”
“You’re right. But it means you can grow.” James shrugged. “She has no interest in that.”
Sirius didn’t say anything for a moment, but he didn’t have to. James knew that he had been right.
“I just don’t want to lose him,” Sirius said finally. “I just got him back.”
“I know. But if it’s worth anything, Sirius, I don’t want to lose him, either.” James chewed on his lower lip as Sirius faced him, as if trying to see how serious James was.
“I still think it’s a bad idea.” There was a pause after Sirius’ words, and then he shook his head, blowing out a breath of air. “But… if you want to try, just… just be careful.”
“I will,” James said gently. “You know I will.”
“I know,” Sirius agreed reluctantly.
“You’re not like them, Sirius. Not at all.” James’ voice was firm, leaving no room for argument. “I would tell you if you were.”
“Yeah?” Sirius’ gaze searched James’, as if looking for a lie but finding none.
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” Sirius murmured, and that was that. I believe you.
“Okay.”