NYE
Regulus
The note had been left wedged in the door seal like the previous one. This one, though, wasn’t from Remus.
This one was from James.
Come to mine. New Year’s. Any time. It’s okay with Sirius.
Regulus wanted to pretend that the last part didn’t catch his attention as much as it did, but in all honesty, who would that be fooling? Not him, and not James. Probably not Sirius, either, though Regulus couldn’t be sure.
He didn’t know what exactly about the note caught his eye- the fact that Sirius had been furious at him, had spewed words like venom, and now was okay with him coming? The fact that it meant James and Sirius had talked about him? They’d talked about what he’d said- said, and hadn’t meant. Not truly. He regretted it even now, but Regulus had never been good at apologizing.
But despite all of that, part of him knew that wasn’t what caught him off guard.
No, what caught him off guard was the fact that him coming over was okay with Sirius, even though Sirius knew…
Knew what, exactly?
Regulus didn’t even know. He didn’t know anything.
A huff of frustration left his lips as he tossed the note in the direction of the coffee table. It fluttered delicately in the air before landing face-up. James’ messy, scrawled hand-writing stared questioningly back at him.
The thing was, it really wasn’t a question of whether he’d go. Unfortunately for him, he had never been good at saying no to James.
***
Sirius
The thing was, it wasn’t a question of whether Regulus would be allowed to come. Unfortunately for him, he had never been good at saying no to James.
For Sirius, it was a question of when his younger brother would come. As such, he’d spent the whole night so far properly strung out. He had jumped at every knock on the door, had welcomed people with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. The truth was, he didn’t know what he would say to Regulus when he arrived. He didn’t know how to fix what had happened yesterday. And something itched at him, something that told him it wasn’t entirely on him to fix it, but Sirius had never been good at being mad at Regulus, either.
Which was why he’d spent most of the night attempting to figure out what he was going to say.
Hey, Reg, I’m sorry.
Hey, Reg. Drink?
Hey, Reg, sorry that I’m an idiot and want James all to myself and also don’t think it’s a good idea.
Hey, Reg, have you met…
The options seemed to violently switch between apologizing immediately and not talking about it at all- for the life of him, Sirius really couldn’t tell which option was better. He’d always avoided his issues- run, just like Regulus had said. And maybe that was a bad habit, but that was exactly what he wanted to do here.
“Hey, Pads,” said a voice from over his shoulder, and Sirius felt something in him relax as he turned to face Remus. “Think he’ll show?”
The question wasn’t really that question, Sirius knew. The question was really, Are you ready for when he does?
“Dunno,” Sirius responded lamely. To both.
“He will.” James’ confident voice floated over them as he came to stand beside Remus. “I don’t think he’ll leave things…”
Sirius let out a noncommittal hum, eyeing the front door.
As if on cue, a tentative knock sounded, just barely able to be heard above the noise of the party going on in the living room. Sirius felt James go stiff beside him. When none of them made a move toward the door, Remus let out a noise between a laugh and a scoff before crossing the room and swinging the door open.
Regulus nodded at Remus as a greeting, mumbling something that Sirius couldn’t hear from across the room. Remus seemed to laugh before he stepped back, gesturing for Regulus to come inside. His brother looked like pure shadow compared to the warmth of the house around them, and the thought made Sirius ache just slightly. He wondered, briefly, whether Regulus had always been like that- had always been drawn to the darker colors- or if that had happened after Sirius had left. He was pretty sure it was the first one, but he couldn’t quite remember.
Regulus seemed to hesitate as he stepped inside, gaze flickering toward Sirius and James immediately. As if drawn by magnetic force, the younger boy made his way over to them without question.
“Sirius,” Regulus said stiffly as a greeting.
Ah. So that’s how it’s going to be.
Or, said a small voice in the back of his head, You can choose not to let it be this way.
And maybe, just maybe, that voice sounded a little bit like Remus.
“Reg,” Sirius said in response. At the nickname, Regulus’ gaze softened just the tiniest bit. And, well… that was enough for the rest of it to come easier. “Je suis désolé, Reg. Je n’essaie pas de te contrôler.”
“Je sais,” Regulus’ response was immediate, something flickering in his gaze. Warmth, maybe. At the language they’d both spoken since they were children.
“English?” James said questioningly, and Sirius shook his head, letting the ghost of a smile appear on his face.
“It’s not important,” he murmured, but the truth was that it was just easier to say in French. It felt more private, less… just less. Just better.
“Right,” James said slowly. “Well. Okay, then. Let’s go play games, shall we?”
***
Sirius hadn’t been this drunk since he’d come back from college. He blamed that fact entirely on James, who had been passing him drinks every time his hand was empty. Though he supposed that part of it was probably due to the fact that Regulus hadn’t talked to James nearly all night, and James was never one to drink alone.
“Sirius!” James practically shouted, which was actually pretty necessary in the crowded room. People practically filled the living room wall-to-wall, and the house was even more full than it had been for the Christmas party. Still, Sirius noticed Remus wince slightly at the volume.
“James!” Sirius shouted back, amusement lacing his tone. James wobbled slightly on his feet, grinning from ear to ear.
“You’re gonna play pool with me,” James pointed at Sirius accusingly. “You haven’t played with me yet.”
“Am I?” Sirius felt his eyebrows arch. “I’m not good at pool.”
“Liar,” James shook his head. “That won’t work on me twice.”
“What?” Sirius asked innocently.
“You hustled me last time!”
“Did not. Beginner’s luck.”
James scoffed, but the twinkle in his eye let Sirius know that he wasn’t mad about it in the slightest. “Beginner’s luck, my ass.”
“Yet you still want to play me.”
“Because I’m going to beat you,” James said indignantly.
“You’re drunk.”
“You’re drunk,” James countered, and yeah, okay. That was true. The room had been spinning for longer than Sirius would like to admit.
“You’re on, Prongs. You don’t know what’s coming.”
***
Regulus
James Potter playing pool should be illegal. There is absolutely no reason for someone to look that good while leaning across a table. Regulus couldn’t decide if it was due to the surprising elegance with which James held himself, despite being drunk, or the intent way that James was studying the pool table. Or maybe his hands as he held the stick, gentle but-
Yeah. That should be illegal.
“You just gonna watch?” Someone said from over his shoulder, and Regulus felt his head snap to the side before he even realized he was doing it. Lily Evans stood beside him, one eyebrow arched with the question.
“I’m not good at pool,” Regulus shrugged. “It’s more fun to watch.”
“You don’t have to be good at it to have fun,” Lily said as she sipped her drink, and the words echoed through him, familiar from when Remus said it to him the first time. Instead of answering, he turned his head back to the pool game in front of him.
“I’m sure James would love to teach you,” Lily added casually, and Regulus felt himself choke despite the fact that he’d had nothing to drink yet.
“What?”
“James. He’d teach you.”
“That’s not what you said,” Regulus said immediately, and then grimaced. The need to be perfect had infected pretty much everything in his life, including his specificity with words.
“I know.” Lily let that linger in the air for a moment, gaze focused rather intensely on Regulus. “I said he’d love to teach you.”
“Why do you think that?” Regulus let his voice turn cold and unwelcoming, gaze narrowing in defiance. Whatever you think you know, his gaze said, you’re wrong.
Am I? Her gaze seemed to say back, but instead she just shrugged. “I just do, I suppose.”
“Evans-”
“Lily,” she corrected lightly, seemingly unbothered by the formality of his tone. “Just so you know, I think that if there was something there… I think it might be good. For both of you.”
“You- there’s nothing. There.” Regulus stared at her, trying to ignore the horror twisting his stomach.
“Okay,” Lily said evenly, still unbothered. She smiled at him gently, and Regulus hated it- really, truly hated it. Or maybe hated that he didn’t want to hate it anymore. “Good luck, Regulus.”
Before he could say anything else, she was gone, talking to some girl that Regulus hadn’t seen in years. Mary, he thought her name was. Fuck.
***
Remus
Remus Lupin was going to kiss Sirius Black at midnight. He’d decided.
He wasn’t sure when, exactly, he’d decided this. Somewhere between drink two and drink four. Either way, he was tired of dancing around whatever was between them. The lingering touches, the soft glances, the two of them being too close, too close, too close , all the damn time.
Regulus had unknowingly thrown a wrench in the plans that Remus had had for this break, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to mind. Not when the younger Black was clearly so lost. But Regulus Black was not going to (knowingly or not) stop Remus from what he’d set out to do before the end of the year. And that was settle whatever the hell this was.
It had been a rough year, Remus had to admit. Remus had gotten a girlfriend- a brief one, at that- and Sirius had gone off the rails. Really, truly seemed to lose it. And Remus wasn’t stupid, he wasn’t.
Sirius had hooked up with someone shortly after Remus had dumped his girlfriend. And Remus had gone off the rails, too, though their versions of going off the rails had looked much differently. Sirius had seemed angrier, louder, messier. More willing to make mistakes, less willing to clean them up. Remus had gotten quiet. But Remus wasn’t stupid. It was the same, this feeling.
Sirius had broken down to Remus about how Regulus hadn’t returned his letters, how his brother wouldn’t be with him for another year. How he’d be all alone at the Black’s manor, and Sirius couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. And Sirius had fallen asleep with Remus’ hands in his hair, soothing him into a gentle sleep. And Remus wasn’t stupid. Remus knew it meant something that Sirius had gone to him, and not James. Had fallen asleep there like a little kid.
And then, last night, Sirius had told him everything that had happened between him and Regulus.
Am I a good person, Moons? Don’t lie.
You’re good, Sirius. You’re a good person.
You’re a good person, too, Moony. The best.
And, well. Remus wasn’t stupid.
Even if he was willfully ignorant sometimes.
***
Regulus
Despite what Lily said, Regulus didn’t ask James to teach him how to play pool. He actually didn’t talk to James at all. He wasn’t exactly sure why that was, either- he didn’t know if he expected James to come up to him, or if he was supposed to go there- he didn’t know. He didn’t know.
So he stayed where he was, watching the ticking clock edge closer to midnight and the people around him get closer to each other in anticipation.
Sirius’ words had been echoing through his mind for the last few hours. I’m sorry, Reg. I’m not trying to control you.
I know.
And he did. He knew that hadn’t been Sirius’ intention, and maybe that’s why he had been so willing to say it. Further proof that he didn’t belong in this house, with these people. It left a bitter tang in his mouth.
He didn’t know how to just talk to people. He didn’t understand how everyone else could do it so easily, like there was nothing between the words in their brain and the words coming out of their mouths.
“Reg.” The voice, solid and warm, rolled through him like thunder. He hadn’t heard anyone approach, so it startled him more than he’d like to admit, and he spun to face James.
“James,” Regulus said carefully, eyeing the slightly-swaying boy. “You’re drunk.”
“A bit,” James admitted, eyes wild and cheeks just a bit flushed. “You’re sober.”
“Yup,” Regulus agreed, popping the “p”. “Plan to stay that way, too.”
“It’s a party,” James whined slightly.
“I don’t really do parties.”
“You do now,” James countered, gesturing to the people around them. “That’s part of being friends with us.”
“We’re not friends, James,” Regulus sighed, though the words didn’t come out as snarky as he wanted them to.
“We’re not,” James murmured, voice dropping low, and Regulus hated the way it sent shivers through him. He couldn’t tell if it was a question or an affirmation.
“We’re not anything else, either.”
“So we just don’t exist?” James snorted. “I don’t know about you, but I feel like I exist.”
“That’s not-” Regulus let out a frustrated sigh. “You exist. I exist. But we can’t exist. There’s no ‘we’ here.”
“Why not?”
“James.”
“Regulus.”
“James.” Regulus snapped, and distantly he could hear people counting down.
Ten.
Nine.
“I don’t understand why you’re pushing this away.”
Eight.
“You go to a completely different college, James.”
“So?”
Seven.
“My family hates you.”
“So?”
Six.
“We haven’t talked for three years!”
“So?”
Five.
“James-”
Four.
“ Reg.”
Three.
James was too close. Too close, too close, too close. “James.”
Two.
“Reg.” The word was a whisper, barely audible.
One.
“No.” The word was out of his mouth before he could help it, and Regulus felt James go rigid. Felt. Because his mouth was hovering just over Regulus’, body so close he could feel the warmth radiating off the older boy.
“No?”
“Happy New Year!”
“No.” Regulus didn’t need to say anything else, he had known he wouldn’t need to. James drew away sharply, though it was beyond clear that he didn’t want to. “I’m… I’m sorry, James. This isn’t right.”
“Right?” James echoed, gaze searching Regulus’ face. Around them, people cheered and laughed and drank, but the sound was distant, as if they were separated by a canyon.
Regulus swallowed, ducking away from James. “This was a mistake.”
“No, it wasn’t.” James’ voice was firm, a refusal. Refusing to let Regulus blow this off.
“It was,” Regulus’ voice shook as he set his drink down on the counter, walking without pause towards the door. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“Reg, stop.”
Regulus threw open the door with too much force, wincing as it bounced just slightly off the wall. Luckily, the other room was so loud that no one else seemed to hear it. He slipped outside and shut it behind him, praying to whatever God was out there James would just leave it.
Apparently, God didn’t like Regulus very much.
The door swung open behind him, and then shut quickly, like James had forgotten to be careful with his family’s door in his haste.
“Reg, stop.”
“You don’t want this!” Regulus exploded, whirling on him. The silence of the night echoed around them, broken only by the pop of fireworks. “You don’t want to deal with this.”
“What?”
“Me, James. You don’t want to deal with me. I promise, you don’t.” The words spilled from him like acid, burning their way out. “I don’t.”
“There’s no ‘ dealing with’ you,” James argued, stepping closer. “I want you.”
“You shouldn’t.” Regulus shook his head. “You won’t. Once you get it. Once you understand.”
“Understand what?” There was a challenge in James’ voice.
“Understand that this isn’t going away. This isn’t something you can fix, this will be me. Forever. I will always be like this.”
“I like how you are,” James growled, though the sound wasn’t angry at Regulus, per se, but rather the idea that Regulus had to change anything about himself.
“You’ll get tired of it. Everyone does.”
“Would you?”
The words stunned Regulus briefly, and he narrowed his eyes at James in confusion.
“What?”
“Would you? Get tired of it?”
“I am tired of it,” Regulus said slowly.
“No,” James said, shaking his head. “I mean of me. If this was me. If I told you that I have issues that will never go away. That this is me, forever.”
“No,” Regulus said after a moment. “I wouldn’t get tired of it. Of you.”
“Because I do,” James said. “I have issues, too. And I will forever.”
“It’s not-”
“I know it’s not the same.” James reached out, fingers encircling Regulus’ wrist. “We’re not the same. But would you get tired of it, no matter how bad it was? If it was me?”
“No,” Regulus said again, voice even quieter.
“Then don’t do me the injustice of thinking that of me.”
The words struck him like a physical blow. “It’s not about you.”
“It is, though. Because that means you think you lo-” James paused. “You think you like me more than I like you. And that’s not true.”
“And what about Lily?” Regulus challenged. “You deserve someone like her. Someone bright, and cheerful, and-”
“I don’t want Lily.”
“James.”
“I don’t want Lily.” James’ voice rung through the night. “I want you.”
“And you go to a college that’s hours away-”
“We’d make it work.”
“My brother-”
“Sirius is okay with it. We talked.”
Regulus scoffs. “I don’t know how much of that I believe.”
“Would I lie to you?”
And no. No, he wouldn’t.
“Regulus,” James breathed, and Regulus didn’t know when it had happened- when they had gotten so close that their noses practically brushed against one another. But he could feel James’ breath against his face, a light thing that had his heart tripping over itself. “I want you. No one else. I don’t care about anything else.”
And oh, how Regulus wanted to believe that. But…
“You’re drunk, James,” Regulus said gently, and it was true. They both knew it.
“Not too drunk. Not too drunk for this.”
“Yes,” Regulus said after a moment, and he forced himself to take a step back. “Yes, too drunk for this. Maybe…”
The word hung in the air between them, a promise and yet not. And Regulus could have let it stay that way, let it remain a line that neither of them knew how to cross. A maybe with no condition. But he didn’t want to. For once, he didn’t want to.
“Maybe when you’re sober,” he finished quietly, and James stilled at that. At what it meant.
“Okay,” James whispered. “Okay, Reg. Your way. I’ll wait.”
And something warmed in Regulus at that, at that promise.
I’ll wait.
Because he would.
James would wait.