Snow Fight
Regulus
Regulus stared at the Potter’s front door hesitantly, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his black winter coat. He had been here more than he’d expected over this break, but this time felt different. He hadn’t been invited, exactly, and the thought scared him even though he knew he was welcome at any time. What scared him more was how willing he’d been to show up here and take a first real step.
But the bravado that had brought him this far seemed to flee from him at the sight of the door, solidly shut despite the laughter that could be faintly heard from inside. The Potters’ house was always like that- people always laughing inside, a picturesque scene that you could glimpse through the warm glow of the windows. It was so unlike his own home that it unsettled him, no matter how much he’d been here. But there was also a part of him that longed for it. That longed for the discomfort, just so that feeling had the chance to change into belonging.
The front door swung open abruptly, effectively yanking Regulus out of his thoughts and leaving him staring, mouth open, at his older brother. Sirius’ eyes widened just slightly in surprise, and for a second the two of them stared at each other.
“I was just… uh, the mail,” Sirius said slowly. Regulus swallowed, tongue feeling thick. “But I can do it later. Are you… is everything okay?”
“Yes,” Regulus said awkwardly, forcing himself to keep still in an attempt not to betray the nervousness that edged through him. “I just thought maybe… I don’t know.”
The words settled between them and Regulus fought the urge to turn and walk away, embarrassment starting to color his cheeks. He didn’t know how to finish that sentence, how to cross the bridge and say that he just wanted to be around them even if they didn’t have anything to do. The words felt silly, and small, and mortifying. I just don’t want to be alone anymore.
“Sorry,” Regulus muttered. Unable to fight it anymore, he took a step back, shaking his head. “This was stupid.”
“No!” Sirius said too quickly, and Regulus glanced back up at his older brother, raising his eyebrows. “No,” Sirius tried again, clearing his throat. “Sorry. Please, come in.”
Regulus hesitated for just a second before nodding, allowing the dark curls of his hair to fall just slightly to hide his face from view. He tried to ignore the feeling that washed over him, the idea that it was humiliating to even be here without having been directly invited, no matter how many times Sirius had asked him to come. Had asked him to stay over break, even. He still had the letters to prove it. The humiliating part was the fact that he couldn’t stand to be alone anymore, couldn’t bear the thought of being in that house knowing that his brother and James were here. He hated it.
Stepping through the front door, Regulus scanned the familiar house apprehensively. “I didn’t know if you guys were busy,” he said lamely, looking back at Sirius. “I just thought maybe I’d… stop by, I guess.”
“We’re not busy,” Sirius gestured for Regulus to follow him, leading the way into the living room. The Christmas tree still sparkled in the corner, although the presents underneath had all been unwrapped and had disappeared from sight. Lily, Peter, James, and Remus all sat on the floor by the couch in a circle, cards spread haphazardly around them. Even though the couch was empty, it was as if they had decided that they couldn’t have even the slightest degree of separation. “We’re playing cards- or rather, I’m playing cards, and beating their asses.”
Regulus nodded, though the idea of playing cards made his stomach queasy. He didn’t like things he wasn’t naturally good at, and it was hard to be good at cards- much of the games he’d played had been mostly luck, and luck wasn’t something he was interested in. It wasn’t something he’d had much of.
“I’ll watch, if that’s okay,” he said nervously, and part of him didn’t want to look at Sirius, didn’t want to see the look of, Why are you here, then?
But when he made eye contact with his brother, Sirius’ gaze was soft and understanding. Regulus almost hated that more.
“You can take the couch,” Sirius offered. “None of us are using it anyway, and then you can see everything.”
“Okay,” Regulus agreed.
As if the words had been a greeting, the four other people in the room seemed to realize that Sirius hadn’t come back alone. Remus was the first to notice, a small smile on his face, and Lily gave Regulus a nod. It took James and Peter a bit longer as they argued over which hand of theirs was better, but noticing the silence, both boys looked up at the same time. Peter didn’t seem to care one way or the other, and secretly, Regulus was the most happy about that reaction. But James looked as if someone had sent a shock through him, straightening just slightly.
“Regulus,” he said breathlessly, surprise coating the words. Regulus didn’t dare look at Sirius, suddenly worried that giving any reaction might clue Sirius in. Instead, the dark-haired boy nudged Regulus in the direction of the couch.
“Thought I’d come by for a bit,” Regulus found himself shrugging as if it wasn’t a big deal, settling on the couch quietly.
“Right,” James cleared his throat, looking away quickly. “Well. You’re in for a treat, because I’m about to take all your brother’s money.”
“You’re on, Prongs,” Sirius leaned forward to see the cards better, oblivious to whatever had just happened between James and Regulus.
***
After an hour of playing cards, Sirius insisted that they go outside despite the frigid air and the snow that littered the ground.
“A day spent only inside is a day wasted,” Sirius had crowed, shooing them outside. Regulus hadn’t missed the way he’d mostly focused on nudging Remus out, seeming to find any excuse to touch him. Regardless, that was how they all ended up standing in the snow, watching James and Sirius throw packed balls of snow at each other like their lives depended on it. Boisterous laughter erupted between them easily, something Regulus watched with no small amount of envy.
But he’d never seen his brother this happy, and the sight brought him more joy than he’d care to admit. Despite what had happened between them, what had happened in that house, he’d never wanted anything other than happiness for Sirius. James was that happiness. Remus and Peter, too, but James got Sirius like no one else did.
“You can join them, if you’d like,” Remus said quietly, head tilted as he watched Regulus.
“I’m fine,” Regulus said automatically, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t be very good at it.”
“You don’t have to be good at it to have fun,” Remus pointed out. “I don’t think your brother can be considered good at it, either. James… well, James is an athlete, so. He’s good at pretty much everything.”
“I’ve noticed,” Regulus muttered, but the words had no barb beneath them. He just watched as James launched a perfectly-aimed snowball at Sirius’ head, striking true and sending the other boy sprawling into the snow.
“Cheater!” Came Sirius’ muffled shout, before he was springing out of the white fluff and launching himself at James. The two began to wrestle, and a slight smile ghosted over Regulus’ face as he watched.
“Sure you don’t want to play?” Remus prompted, and Regulus shook his head again. But before he could speak, Sirius’ voice rang out, excited in the way a little kid is when asking for attention.
“Remus! Are you gonna sit there and brood or come join us?”
Remus’ eyes flickered with something that Regulus couldn’t quite make out, a smile crossing his face with an ease that Regulus envied.
“You’re getting a snowball thrown at you either way,” Sirius threatened, smirking as he threw one up in the air and caught it. “Question is, are you gonna throw one first?”
There was a brief pause in which Regulus wasn’t sure exactly what Remus was going to do. Then Remus scooped up some snow and packed it into a round shape, a grin overtaking his face completely. “You’ll have to catch me first, Pads.” Then he took off, chucking the snowball at Sirius’ face as he did. Sirius gasped as though he’d been stabbed, ducking under the thrown ball and sprinting after Remus.
It was only after the two boys had gone did Regulus realize that James was watching him, holding a freshly packed snowball in his hand with a grin that Regulus didn’t like.
"Don’t you dare,” Regulus threatened, taking a step back. Lily giggled on the other side of him as both she and Peter stepped away, leaving Regulus to fend for himself. Traitors, he thought, but even as he did so a warmth spread through his chest.
“Reg,” James called in a sing-song voice. “You know I have to.”
“James,” Regulus said warningly, looking desperately around for somewhere to hide. “I will go back inside. I mean it.”
“No, you don’t,” James smirked, advancing.
“James-”
The impact of a snowball hitting Regulus’ chest cut him off, a shock of cold exploding through him. He gasped, looking down to see the scattered white remnants already melting, and then looked back up at James with narrowed eyes. James had paused after he’d thrown it, gaze suddenly uncertain about Regulus’ reaction, and time seemed to slow for a second. He could react two ways- leave, or play. And he knew James would be okay with either, but…
But for once, Regulus didn’t want to leave. And something in the way that James had been so willing to pelt him with snow told him James knew it, too.
“You’re dead,” Regulus growled, but a smile had successfully appeared on his face as he scooped up snow and threw it at James. James snickered, dodging the weak throw and beginning to cram more snow into a ball.
“I may play football, Reg, but I know how to throw more accurately than you,” James said, and yeah, he had a point.
So before he could think too hard about it, Regulus charged him, tackling him at the knees to take him down into the white, fluffy snow. Cold coursed through him, turning his fingers numb and his nose red, but instead of getting up and shaking it off he shoved James further into the snow and began to dump it on his head.
“Hey!” James cried, but he was laughing so hard his body shook beneath Regulus. “That’s cheating if I’ve ever seen it.”
“There are no rules in a snowball fight,” Regulus argued with a grin, pausing in his movements as James struggled beneath him.
“Maybe that there should be snowballs?”
“Unimportant,” he dismissed, scooping up more snow and dumping it on James’ head.
“You’re gonna drown me in snow,” James spluttered, and Regulus paused in his movements to look down at the boy beneath him. Sudden realization washed over him in a shock colder than the snow around him as he realized exactly where his body met James’, and just how close the two of them were. How intimate.
Regulus scrambled up, embarrassment coloring his cheeks an even brighter red than before. “Sorry.”
“What?” James sat up, shaking snow out of his hair. “No, I didn’t-”
“James.” Sirius’ voice cut through the air, sharp and stiff, and Regulus’ eyes fluttered closed for a brief second as he realized that Sirius had seen the whole thing.
What the fuck was I thinking?
James seemed to think the same thing, skin going considerably paler as he looked over at Sirius.
“Sirius,” Remus said softly, tugging at the other boy’s sleeve, but Sirius didn’t look away from James, face stoic.
“I’m gonna go,” Regulus stood, the instinct to run too strong for him to argue against. “Sirius, it didn’t mean…”
When Sirius didn’t look at him, Regulus let out a breath, frustration washing over him in a wave so strong he felt as though he could drown. It had taken less than a day for him to screw everything back up. Without another word, Regulus turned down the sidewalk, allowing himself to slip out of sight before anyone could argue.
***
James
James couldn’t decide whether he should care more that Regulus had left without a word, or the fact that he was about to die. Probably the second one. It was hard when he could still see the younger Black’s form retreating, though.
“Sirius,” he started slowly, picking himself up from the snow. “It wasn’t what it looked like.”
“Remus,” Sirius said calmly, hands shoved deep in his pockets. James distantly wondered if it was so that Sirius didn’t reach out and strangle him. “Can you and everyone else please go inside? I need to talk to James.”
The feeling of Sirius using his name, his real name, in that tone, made him uneasy.
“Sirius,” Remus murmured. “I don’t think-”
“Remus,” Sirius said again, and Remus looked at James as if to say Sorry, I tried. Then he brushed past the two of them, following Lily and Peter into the house.
“Sirius, really,” James said again, eyeing the other boy. “It was just-”
“I know what it was, James, don’t lie to me,” Sirius snapped. “Do you think I don’t remember everything that used to happen three years ago? And now this?”
“There is no this,” James threw his hands up. “We were just playing around. We’re not- there’s not-”
“I said don’t fucking lie to me,” Sirius growled. “That’s my brother.”
“I know that.” James stood his ground, swallowing nervously as Sirius stepped closer. “I know.”
“Do you?” Sirius crossed his arms. “Because you didn’t seem to care three years ago, either.”
“Nothing happened three years ago,” James argued.
“Maybe in actuality. But did you think I just never noticed that he stopped wanting to come around after Christmas? That he’d stop talking at any mention of you?”
James fidgeted, looking down. There wasn’t an answer he could give to that. Sirius’ eyes seemed to soften slightly at James’ silence, and he let out a soft exhale.
“James, you… I think you fall in love with everyone, a little bit. But you can’t. Not with him.” When James looked back up, Sirius was the most somber James had ever seen him before. “I just got him back. It’s fragile.”
“I know,” James said weakly. “Nothing’s going to happen.”
“It’s just… easier. If it doesn’t,” Sirius murmured, watching James quietly.
“Yeah. Easier,” James echoed.