Chapter 1- Tears
Lily always got an early start to her day. She was often up by 8am, had her makeup on by 9, and was in the common room waiting for breakfast after that. She’d sit with a book by the fire that was continuously roaring during the winter, her legs crossed beneath the fluffy blanket that her mother had sent her for her birthday earlier that year. Warm and cozy, she read until the room was full of voices, discussing the possible options for breakfast that morning.
Around 10, the room would clear out, and Lily would walk with her friends to the dining hall. The tables were filled with all sorts of food, from bagels to eggs to bowls of fruit. Lily was in heaven, she thought, and had always thought since the very first time she had watched a wave of a wand create the spectacular meal set before them. Lily and her friends found their usual seats at the Gryffindor table, sat somewhere near the middle, though Lily favored being at the end of the group with more elbow room. She’d sit next to Mary like every morning, her girlfriend’s hair tied up in the ponytail that made her curls look like a crown rested upon her head. Across from Lily was James, who despite knowing about her relationship and being in a relationship of his own, still liked to joke about taking Lily on dates. Down the table next to him was Sirius and Remus, and across from them, Peter and Marlene. Lily loved the group of friends she had found herself with in her sixth year and loved them even more when she remembered meeting them in her very first year at Hogwarts.
Set before her on a ceramic red plate with a gold stripe was two eggs, a lemon and poppyseed muffin, and some green grapes. Popping a grape into her mouth, Lily tuned into the conversation happening beside her.
“I could get behind that,” James chirped, stuffing a slice of banana bread into his mouth. “I’d look hot as fuck with makeup on,” he spat, crumbs flying out of his mouth.
Mary grimaced and looked away, down at her plate, before responding, “I’d be happy to do your makeup, only if you promise to stop talking with food in your mouth.”
James opened his mouth to reply but closed it a moment later and finished swallowing before he continued, “deal. Can Sirius come too? I bet Remus would love to see him with makeup on.”
“James, I wear makeup every day. You think my skin naturally looks this flawless?” Sirius replied, gesturing to his pink cheeks and dark eyeliner.
“Wait, you don’t naturally have that dark stuff on your eyes? I thought you were just always really tired,” James retorted.
Lily zoned back out of the conversation, not caring to hear about the idiocy that was James Potter’s brain. She finished her grapes and went to eat her muffin, when a foreign voice brought her out of her head.
“Really think you should be eating that, Evans?” Barty Crouch Jr spat, walking up behind her, Evan Rosier in tow. With an exasperated sigh, Lily put the muffin down and fully turned to face the boys.
“Why shouldn’t I?” She huffed, feeling Mary shift beside her to observe the confrontation.
“Look at you, you’ve probably already had two of those already,” Evan laughed. Lily tried to ignore the fact that this was indeed her second muffin. She chewed the inside of her cheek before going to respond, but someone else beat her to it.
“Fuck off, Rosier. You’re such a wanker,” Marleen spat, throwing a strawberry at him. Evan caught it and popped it in his mouth, him and Barty turning on their heels and strutting back to the Slytherin table.
“Don’t listen to them, Lily,” Mary spoke softly, placing a gentle hand on Lily’s thigh. “You’re so beautiful.”
Lily knew she was heavier than most girls. She saw it every day, saw it in the way she dressed, in the way she ate. She typically didn’t mind, though. Her red hair and freckles complimented her round face, and Mary insisted that she loved the way Lily’s tummy pushed out against the slip dresses she wore to bed sometimes. Lily was absolutely gorgeous, and she knew it, but the comments were getting more frequent and worse.
It wasn’t just from Crouch and Rosier, either. Her friends would sometimes slip up, say something, too. When Lily would complain about her uniform trousers not fitting her anymore, Marlene’s “are you sure? You don’t look any bigger to me,” would make her heart sink. Though it was meant to be a compliment, it didn’t matter. Lily was getting bigger, despite how it may look. And sometimes even Mary would slip up, do something. The way she grabbed Lily’s stomach while her head was between her thighs, it made Lily self-conscious. Mary wouldn’t do that if Lily’s stomach was smaller. It makes it hard to enjoy some of their special times together.
Lily was brought out of her thoughts when James dramatically stood up, stomping his feet against the floor. “No way in hell those arseholes said that. I’m going to go talk to Reg, ask him to make them stop.” As he disappeared, Lily willed the forming tears out of her eyes. She took one shaky, deep breath, and turned to stand.
“I’ll be in the library, if anyone needs me. I have a test on Monday, so I need to study.” She grabbed her tote from on the bench beside her and left the room.
— – – – – —
Lily was in the library until dusk. Sitting alone at a small round table, textbooks open and scattered across the desk along with snack wrappers and a water bottle, she scribbled hastily in a little red journal. She had been crying, allowing herself to write about the day as she sat in the distant corner of the library. It had been difficult to study, her mind constantly wandering back to the interaction during breakfast. Her stomach’s continuous yearning for food didn’t help either, and each time she ate a snack she promised herself it was the last one. It wouldn’t be, though, and somewhere deep down she knew that.
Despite how much I want to lose weight, she wrote, I can’t stop eating. I’m constantly hungry. It makes me so mad, and I don’t know how to sto
Lily’s writing was interrupted by the sound of footsteps beside her. Glancing over, Remus leaned against a bookshelf, cane in hand, and watched her.
“Hello,” she hummed, closing her journal and placing her pen down.
“Lily,” Remus greeted. “You missed lunch, my love.”
“I know,” she sighed, eyeing all the wrappers around her. She began to gather them up, “I’ve been snacking in here, so I wasn’t hungry for a meal.”
Remus nodded and made his way to the empty seat that sat across from his friend. Remus leaned his cane against the table and cleared his throat, “You doing okay, Lils? After earlier…”
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” she replied. Remus had been the only person that Lily had ever talked about her eating habits. Back in fourth year, when it had gotten really bad, and Remus had found her in this exact spot in the library, crying into a leather-bound notebook, he had taken her to Madam Pomphrey because he didn’t know what else to do. Madam Pomphrey referred Lily to the school’s psychiatrist, and from then on, she’d never spoken about it again to Remus.
Remus only nodded and grabbed one of the textbooks on the table, idly flipping through it. “You know, sometimes, even if we want to be a certain way, there are pathways in our brain that physically prevent us from doing it.” He spoke softly, afraid to spook Lily from the conversation. When she didn’t reply, he continued, “What I mean is, even if your body does bother you, no matter how hard you will yourself to eat less, or exercise more, or even take supplements, your brain will always outsmart you into eating more, eating less healthily.”
Lily sat there, silent, her eyes burning holes in the half-written page of her notebook. “You think I don’t know that?” She spat. “You think I haven’t figured it out for myself? You think I haven’t talked to that bloody psychiatrist you forced me to see? I know all of this, Remus, and you saying it doesn’t make the fact that I can’t stop any better.” She pushed out her chair, gathered her things, and stormed out towards the large double doors of the library.
— – – – – —
Back in her room, Lily was glad to find it empty. She tossed her bag and books onto the bean bag chair beside the door and threw herself on her bed. This time, she let herself cry. She sobbed into her pillow, chest heaving with heavy breaths as she tried to regain her composure. It didn’t work, and she would just cry and cry into her bed. As night set in, she sat up to turn on her nightstand lamp.
Lily sat on her mattress, still in the clothes she’d worn throughout the day, and hugged her knees to her chest. Her shoes had been thrown off her feet at some point, leaving her in her socks. She knew her mascara was running down her cheeks, proven by the stains on her light green pillowcase. It's okay, she told herself, there has to be a spell to get it out.
Lily only remembered that she shared a room when the door opened, revealing Mary standing in the doorway. At first, she didn’t notice Lily. She walked in, took her shoes off, and placed her bag down, before she scanned the room. Upon seeing her girlfriend though, and the state of her, Mary’s heart visibly broke. She sighed, turned to dig through her nightstand, and approached Lily slowly with a pack of wipes in her hand.
Mary sat across from Lily and placed a gentle, calming hand on her knee. “Let's get you cleaned up, okay honey?”
Lily nodded, sniffling as she removed her hands from her face and released her bottom lip from her mouth. Mary removed a makeup wipe from the pack and gently started to wipe off the black streaks that stained her girlfriend’s face. Once all the makeup was gone, Mary tossed the wipe into the trash and stood, going to the foot of Lily’s bed. She opened the other’s trunk and began to dig through it.
“Pajamas or a slip, my love?” Mary called out from below the bed.
Lily sniffed and wiped her eyes before replying, “pajamas.”
Mary stood back up with a pair of pajama bottoms and a matching collared top. The set was white with little pink bows on it. Mary had surprised her with it just the month prior. Lily stood to change, taking the set from Mary. She shimmied off her jeans and slipped on the bottoms but paused before taking off her top. Lily contemplated for a second before turning away from Mary, who wasn’t looking anyway, and shrugged off her top, quickly replacing it with the night wear. Once dressed, Lily turned back to Mary and wiped her eyes once more.
Mary glanced at Lily to see if she was done changing, and when she was, she slowly approached her. Mary placed two gentle hands on either side of Lily’s hips and leaned in, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Let's take an early night, yeah? Maybe watch a movie in my bed? Does that sound good?”
Lily nodded and leaned into Mary, pressing her face into her girlfriend’s neck. She placed a soft kiss there and sniffled, before whispering, “thank you.”
The two girls ended their night cuddled up in Mary’s bed, watching the muggle movie “10 Things I Hate About You.” It was Lily’s favorite, so Mary found it fitting to watch it on a sad night.
Though Lily loved the movie, she was wiped out from having cried all evening. She ended up falling asleep, head leaned against Mary’s shoulder, with Mary’s arm around her waist.