Chapter 2- Guilt
Lily thought she could do it. She really did.
She woke up later than usual, having slept in due to the heaviness of her eyes when she had originally awoken earlier that morning. What woke her up was hushed voices coming from the other side of the room. Lily had fallen asleep in Mary’s bed, but she woke up alone. When she blinked her eyes open, she saw Mary sitting on the beanbag chair, talking to Marlene, who was sitting at the edge of her bed.
She sat up, rubbing her eyes gently. Marlene and Mary went quiet for a moment before Marlene chirped in a way too loud voice, “Morning Sunshine.”
“What time is it?” Lily spoke, her voice gravelly with the morning.
“Half past ten,” Mary responded, getting up to press a kiss to Lily’s head. “Sleep okay?”
“Mhm,” Lily replied, stretching her arms out. She relaxed back into the bed and yawned. “Plans for today, either of you?”
“Nothing,” responded Mary.
“Quidditch practice with the team,” Marlene said. “You two should come watch. We’re doing a scrimmage match against Slytherin today, so Pandora and Regulus will be there to watch Dorcas.” Lily felt a bit more awake now, and couldn’t help the joy that bubbled inside of her at the thought of getting to see Pandora. Despite not seeing her often, Pandora was one of the very first people she met on the train to Hogwarts, along with Mary.
Lily swung her legs over the side of the bed and got up, going back to her bed. She looked out the window to gauge the temperature outside, and when she saw the snow covering the ground, she shivered. “You’re practicing in weather like this?” She asked, beginning to dig through her trunk to find something to wear.
“As long as it's not actively snowing badly, yeah,” Marlene shrugged. She and Mary also had gotten up to get ready for the day. Lily pulled out her favorite pair of jeans. She hiked them on, jumping a few times to get them past her bum, and tried to button them. They were so close, and Lily’s heart sank. She tried again, this time sucking in as much as she could, and she was able to button the pants together. She zipped them up and relaxed, watching as her stomach bulged out even more than usual. To combat this, Lily slipped on an oversized Gryffindor pullover that hung past her hips and covered her stomach. The pants were a little uncomfortable, but she was able to look past that. To complete her look, Lily wrapped a scarf around her neck, slipped on a beanie with two long tassels that hung on either side of her face, and some red gloves to match. When she turned around, Marlene and Mary were already dressed.
Mary was wearing fleece lined leggings that looked like tights, a short denim skirt, and a red long sleeve that overlapped a white collared shirt. She was wearing her typical gold jewelry, and red leg warmers that matched her top. She has even slipped on a pair of black converse with gold laces to tie the look together.
Marlene was wearing something very different. She had on a black long sleeve top and black leggings and had a large duffle bag hanging off her right shoulder. She was only wearing her underlayer, as she would put on the rest of her uniform in the locker room with the other girls on the teams.
“Ready to go, ladies?” Asked Marlene.
Mary hummed and Lily nodded, turning to slip on a pair of black boots. Once she finished tying the laces, she was up and grabbing her winter coat before going out the door with the other two girls.
— – – – – —
The winter air was frigid, and it nipped at the tip of Lily’s nose as she stood in the stands. She and Mary were huddled close together, their coats large and keeping them adequately warm. Lily was holding Mary’s hands, whose fingers were nearly turning blue with how cold they were. She lifted them to her lips and breathed hot air on them, attempting to warm them up. Mary responded with a kiss to Lily’s head.
Lily’s attention was taken from her girlfriend as a gust of cold air hit them, someone flying by at top speed. Those around the two girls shouted from the stands, jumping up from their seats as Gryffindor scored another goal. James, who had been the one to score, pumped his fist into the air. Gryffindor and Slytherin were now tied.
Marlene flew by and stopped just in front of her friends, yelling to talk to them, “Another ego boost!” She laughed.
Lily rolled her eyes, “As if he needs any more!” She shouted back.
Just then, a whistle blew, and the Gryffindor coach was shouting at Marlene, “McKinnon, get your head in the game!” To that, Marlene winked at her friends and flew off to join her team.
“You look so cute, today,” Mary spoke, louder than normal so Lily could hear her over the crowd of people. “Very cozy and soft.” Lily smiled, internally blaming the red in her cheeks on the cold, and not on her girlfriend’s complement.
“Thank you. I feel warm,” she replied.
“I’m going to go get something to eat from the food stand, do you want anything?” Mary asked, standing from her seat.
“Ye-” Lily stopped. She hadn’t eaten yet today, and her stomach was roaring at her. She had eaten a lot of snacks yesterday, though, and then she remembered the comment Barty had made yesterday.
“Really think you should be eating that, Evans?”
It rang through her ears, and she bit the inside of her cheek. “No, actually. Thank you, though.”
Mary frowned but let it be, nodding and walking away. Lily brought her hands to her face, cupping them over her mouth and nose. She breathed out slowly, letting the warmth of her breath slowly ease the pinching cold on her nose. She watched the game, watched how her friends zipped through the air, laughing and shouting all the way.
Her attention was taken when something cold and wet landed on her forehead. Confused and looking up, something of the same substance got caught in her eyelash. Then, she saw it. White flurries of snow began to fall, blowing through the air as each gust of wind came, carrying them into her copper hair. “It's snowing” a voice startled from beside her. Lily looked over to see that Mary had returned, a small container of chips and cheese sauce in her hands.
Lily nodded, admiring how the snow gathered in Mary’s curls, dusting it white. She smiled softly and moved over some so Mary could take her seat once more. Lily watched as Mary took a bite of a chip, and her stomach grumbled. Suddenly, her pants felt tighter. She shifted uncomfortably and tucked an ankle behind the other. The wind began to pick up, snow being blown in circles, falling into people’s eyes. A whistle blew in the distance, and Lily watched the Slytherin coach shout something into the air.
The game stopped. All players from both teams flew down to the ground and began heading towards the locker rooms. Lily guessed that it had gotten too dangerous to fly in the blistering snow, so she stood up and watched Mary do the same. Both girls headed down the steps of the bleachers to the ground, where they were to meet Marlene, James, and Sirius outside the locker room.
Remus stood there already, leaning against the wall beside the door. When he spotted Lily, he smiled, a twinge of guilt hidden being his eyes. She smiled back, tucking her chin into her winter coat. Mary walked up to Remus and gave him a side-hug.
“Remus, I didn’t see you in the stands,” she spoke, her jaw chattering with the cold.
“It was too much to go up, today,” he replied. Remus didn't have his normal cane with him, this time having one that had a wrist brace on it. Lily knew that sometimes Remus’s legs got the better of him, and her heart broke a little for him not getting to watch his boyfriend play against Slytherin.
“Sirius will understand,” Lily spoke up, taking a step closer. Remus nodded and exhaled, his breath creating a cloud in front of his face that slowly dissolved into the air. Just then, the locker room door swung open, and out came their friends.
Marlene and Sirius were laughing, Dorcas and James following them out. On days like today where they only played a scrimmage game, only one of the locker rooms would be open, so the teams would have to share it.
“I can't believe we tied,” complained James. His arms were crossed, and he had a slight pouty look on his face. “They should have let us at least score one more time.”
“As if you’d be the one scoring,” argued Dorcas. She punched him in the shoulder lightly before stepping ahead to catch up with Marlene. Said girl smiled at her girlfriend, wrapping an arm around her waist and placing a kiss on her cheek.
Lily watched the interaction with a wide smile. It had taken the two girls so long to confess their feelings, that watching them openly love each other was heartwarming. She turned to Mary, and saw her looking too. They made eye contact and Lily walked over to her, placing her hands around the other’s neck. Mary smiled and leaned in, planting a soft kiss on Lily’s cold lips.
“Okay, okay, break it up,” Sirius laughed at the two sets of girls. “Let's go get some food, yeah?” The group whooped and began to walk back towards the castle. It was right around lunch time, so the tables in the dining hall would be filled with delectable food and sweets. Lily gulped, rubbing her arm nervously.
— – – – – —
The group took their usual seats at the table, this time Dorcas joining them at the Gryffindor table. This technically wasn’t allowed, but people seemed to care the least around lunch time, so they were able to get away with it. Pandora also joined them at the table, sitting on the other side of Lily. Being sandwiched between two people was a bit uncomfortable for Lily, but that was the last thing on her mind right now.
In front of her was a delicious looking chicken pot pie. She chewed her bottom lip and began to pick at it with her fork. She didn’t want to eat today, after she had eaten so much yesterday. But it looked so good, and it smelled amazing. Her stomach growled, and Lily knew she wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. She wasn’t just hungry, she had that feeling inside her. The feeling that wasn’t in her stomach, but all over her body. The need to eat, the need to feel full.
Bypassing the pot pie, Lily grabbed a roll. She tore it in half and took a bite, the guilt of eating fading away as the addiction took control. She took another bite, and another, and suddenly she was picking up her second roll. Time passed and Lily dug into her pot pie. She finished it quickly, and treated herself to a lemon bar. It wasn’t until she noticed that she was the last person still eating did she stop.
Lily felt full. Her stomach ached as it pushed against the tight constraints of her pants. The guild began to settle in once more, and Lily found herself nearing tears as she looked at the mess of food before her.
“Excuse me, I’m just going to run to the restroom,” she excused herself. Lily left her bag on the floor beneath her seat and briskly walked out the room and to the right, towards the girl’s laboratory.
In the restroom, Lily didn’t even bother to lock the stall when she pushed it open. She was soon on her knees in front of the toilet and sticking her fingers down her throat. She threw up, and kept doing so until she no longer felt full. She’d never done this before, but making herself throw up helped subside the guilt that she felt about eating.
Lily stood up, flushed the toilet, and went to the sink. She wiped the tears out of her eyes and rinsed her mouth, before heading back out to her friend. Feigning a smile, Lily took her seat between her friend and girlfriend once more. The table had been magically cleared, so she didn’t have to worry about seeing food anymore.
Lily thought she could do it. She really did. She thought she could go at least one day without eating. But the sickness got to her. Just like it always has, just like it always will.