Chapter 7
It was 3am, the wind was howling and the snow was thick, the room was warm and Regulus was sleeping in his arms, his face peaceful and his body still wonderfully naked below the blankets.
The storm was here, which meant his parents were far away, and he was bound to have more time with him.
And time was what James needed desperately, because not for one second will he let what happened earlier only happen once. Of course now he can say it was obviously going to happen, but when he invited him round for gingerbread, he wasn’t expecting this.
Not at all.
And god was it good. His body was just everything, from his head to his feet he was like a statue, pale and beautiful, no scratches or scars, flawless milky white skin that looked unreal under the moonlight shining through the windows.
James had to stop himself from staring.
They had only talked briefly about it, like how they swore they wouldn’t tell anyone, and they didn’t want to talk about leaving. They just wanted to spend time now, together and quiet.
Later would come, but for now, he had him.
”Staring?” Regulus mumbles, his arms reaching for him to come closer, which he does, he pulls him to his chest and buries his face in his hair.
”M’not.”
Regulus laughs tiredly. “Liar.”
James strokes his back, touching his everywhere he can reach. It had been forever since he shared a bed, and it had never been like this anyway. Not at all.
He was utterly obsessed with him.
”I think I could lay here forever.” He admits. Vulnerable and honest, but he owed it to him, he had done the same.
”Me too,” Regulus whispers, looking up at him and laying a soft kiss on his lips. “I need to text Sirius.”
And he does, saying he’s with James, helping him with some math problem, and he fell asleep but he’s fine. It was a crappy excuse but Sirius didn’t notice anything weird and just replied a smiley face and a thumbs up.
They spend the early hours of the morning in bed, on the sofa, against the window. Messily kissing and pawing at each other, just being completely relaxed. Naked and tired. It was a combination he had been very dismissive of, but has now come to appreciate the purity of being naked with someone.
And when they awake in the later afternoon Regulus says he must go now, to avoid suspicion, and James is left laying his face in the pillow where he was lay all night. He smelt like fresh laundry and something woodsy, he wasn’t sure what it was but he loved it.
He watches some news, talks of the storm and how long it should last, but apparently it’s a quick thing, with his luck it would probably be clear by tonight, delaying their departure by one day, which was something but now he felt like he needed forever.
It didn’t seem particularly obvious to James that Regulus was some sort of angel of his life, awakening some part of him inside that physically ached in his absence, in such a short time frame he could swear he knew him in another life.
The way they made love it felt like he had known him forever. Now he was really in trouble, because a crush was one thing, now he felt that thing that Lily always mentioned inside. A soul tie. He doesn’t know the true definition, but she says when you sleep with someone you become apart of them, and them apart of you. So yes, he did feel that, he can feel Regulus’ lips burned into his neck and the smell of his skin is his bed.
It was all poetic and beautiful, but deep down it scared him to death. He was leaving. He would be gone before James could even figure out what was going on with them both.
For the rest of the afternoon he spent it with Remus, Sirius and Regulus in their rooms and he was utterly miserable.
He had no one to talk to except the devil himself.
Remus was joyous, humming as he prepared dinner for the staff, his whistling made James want to stab himself in the ears.
”What’s up with you?” Lily asks, appearing with a tray of mince pies, her nose was powdered in flour and she had sticky stuff matted in her hair. It made him smile, despite everything.
”Just the storm, pretty miserable huh?”
She nods and then looks in his eyes, her face changing to a serious expression. “You’re a terrible liar James, what’s wrong?”
”Nothing.”
“Is it… your parents, I know this time of year is hard for you.”
James lifts his head and solemnly nods. It was nothing and everything to do with them. Yes he missed them, achingly every day they left an absence so big and awful, he felt it everywhere. But now he felt that absence was gone when around Regulus, he had something that he wanted and he hated that he couldn’t control it.
Lily places the tray down, wrapping her arms around him, her sweet smell and tiny body feels like a warm cup of tea. “I love you, okay? I know it’s awful, it so awful and if I could take the pain and harbour it myself I would. But we’re all here for you.”
He almost started crying, blinking back a few tears that hadn’t filled his eyes since the day of the funeral. It was all such an emotional mess.
“I love you too, Lils.” He replies, burying his face in her hair and gently rubbing her back.
He loved Lily, too much of the time he spent it seeing her as a coworker, when in reality they’d been friends since they were 6. She was family, and she truly meant everything she said, she would absolutely take all his troubles if she could.
James eventually makes his way out of the kitchen, away from his gloomy mood and instead hangs around in reception, staring aimlessly at Sirius and Regulus’ doors, it was taunting him cruelly, knowing he’s in there and time was being wasted doing absolutely nothing.
He gets out his phone and texts him, sick already at the thought of precious time being wasted.
James: I need to see you. Please.
Regulus: I’m running out of excuses to see you.
James: I’m not asking.
Regulus: Coming.
He appears after a moment, his hair falling infront of his eyes and his hands tucked up into a too bit jumper. He looked at him and smiled, his eyes were bright and he was so so achingly beautiful.
James pulls him into the bathroom, his hands thrusting up his jumper, smashing his lips against him, trying desperately to devour him whole.
Regulus lets him, his lips kissing back just as needy as him, his own hands snaking their way into James’ trousers. He breathes in and forces himself to detach himself.
He blinks up at James, his lips red and swollen, “You okay?”
”No.” He admits.
”What’s wrong?”
James holds him to his chest, not letting him see his face, fearing he might just have an emotional breakdown. “I just don’t want you to go.”
”I have to go, James… it’ll be fine.”
He didn’t believe him, it didn’t sound like the truth. It wasn’t the truth.
”But what then? We’ll never talk again and we’ll be strangers millions of miles away?”
”Londons only a few hours away.”
”It’s too much.”
Regulus pulls back from the hug, his brows knitted. “Look I don’t want to go either… I hate it. But don’t make this harder for me. I have no choice James.”
He was being cruel. He knew he didn’t want to go either, he knew his parents would force him to go, and the logistics wouldn’t make sense for him to stay. But he was hopeless. He was absolutely hopelessly selfish for him.
”I think I could fall in love with you.”
It sits in the air and Regulus looks horrified. It was the wrong to say. People wait months to say that sort of thing. James regrets it instantly, no matter how true he’s said too much.
Regulus backs away from him and shakes his head. “Don’t say that.”
”I’m sorry.”
”I’m serious, what the fuck James!?”
”I’m sorry!”
”No!” Regulus snaps, “You don’t get to have me one time and suddenly I’m yours. You know I’m leaving and you’re going to haunt me with this now!”
James hangs his head in shame. He had been too honest. But it was true, give him another week of those eyes and hands, and he’d be his, he’d be his forever.
”I just-“
Regulus slaps his hand that was reaching for him. “Don’t you dare… that isn’t fair! How can you tell me that, you don’t know what it’s like for me at home!” His eyes are fierce as he shouts at him, “You don’t know that when I go home and Sirius leaves that I have nothing! I have no one and nothing but time to think. It was bad enough we did this once, I knew it was stupid… This whole thing is stupid and now you’re saying this insane stuff about… about love and I can’t take it!”
He leaves quickly, slamming the door on James’ face, he bites his knuckle to stop himself from punching the mirror. Now he had really done it. He had driven him away at the first sign of connection.
He leaves the bathroom, feeling drunk on melancholy, he trails back to his house and lays in bed, swallowing everything he can down with a glass of whiskey. He doesn’t want to think about it anymore. He wants to die at the thought of that being the last thing he said to him.
He just wants more time.