Chapter 8
The grandfather clock was ticking as Regulus sat at the window, watching the snow fall lightly, the wind was gone and now all that was left was his empty room and his bags packed. Sirius was gone, laying up with his new friend, happier than ever.
Regulus was miserable, he wanted nothing more than to be gone immediately, he contemplated just walking out, taking his stuff and making a run for it. Leaving everything else behind, but he wouldn’t make it far, and it wouldn’t matter anyway.
Mother and Father were back in the morning, the storm was gone and everything would go back to the way it was.
Except it wouldn’t. James was now scorned into his brain with what he said and it would now haunt him for the rest of his life, not because he didn’t want it. But because he wanted it so badly it made him want to die.
He would never have it. He would never be able to sit with him at a table with his family, holding his hand and telling stories of how they met and what their plans for the future were, it was bad enough he was gay, he knew this life would be lonely for him, for others maybe not. But Regulus knew if he wanted to keep his family and the lifestyle he had, he could never be with a man.
In private yes. But in public, no. James doesn’t deserve to be hidden, he needs someone like him, someone who he show off, not someone who was scared to death at the thought of being publicly exposed to who he loves.
It was all so awful.
He didn’t have the strength of Sirius, who was already planning on telling his parents about Remus after he had finished university, because he had a plan now. He was going to finish his degree and come visit Remus bi-monthly, a happy agreement they made, and his parents wouldn’t be surprised. They had been dissatisfied with Sirius his whole life, because he was never not himself. He was unashamed and when his father first asked him at 14 if there was any girls he was interested in he simply said, ‘No but a few boys.’ and that was it.
They no longer tolerated Sirius’ comments and thought he was joking, some sort of weird thing that they have ignored ever since and would never comment in it again.
Mother and father saw Regulus in a different light, he was their pride. He never spoke out of turn, always did as he was told and never ever acted out of line. He had perfect grades and he would inherit the families wealth, whereas Sirius would be given a fair share, under the condition he would act how they would want, which he wouldn’t do. He would say no, he’d rather go broke than live a lie.
And that was where they were different.
Regulus was too much of a pussy.
Regulus wipes at his eyes and rests his head on the cold window, his eyes stinging with regret with how he acted. James was too sweet not to say something so beautifully stupid. He had been horrible to him, he had pushed him away and now he’s going to have to leave him with that.
It’s not right.
It’s not right at all.
Just when he had got himself together there was a loud knocking in his door, he thought it was Sirius who probably locked himself out, so he answers it but James is there.
Stinking of alcohol, his eyes downcast and his body slumped. He was drunk. Not the drunk he had seen the other night. Pathetically drunk.
”M’so sorry.” He slurs.
Regulus looks at him and shakes his head. “It’s fine.”
It wasn’t but it was no use saying anything else to him in this state.
”It’s not. You… you’re right I’m horrible and I didn’t mean to say it, M’just an idiot.”
”James it’s fine, go to bed.”
He shakes his head, stepping in the room and closing the door, his hands reaching for him, and Regulus lets him, he breathes in the smell of his chest and finds himself drunk with him. James holds him tight and close, his heart beating quickly in his chest.
”I care about you, I really do and I understand.. I really understand.”
Regulus feels tears stinging his eyes all over again. Oh don’t do this! Don’t make this harder than it already is.
”I don’t want you to think of me badly.”
”I wouldn’t.” Regulus whispers. “I wouldn’t ever.”
James pulls back and kisses his forehead, his face trying to keep its gaze on his eyes. “You are my friend first. And I want you to know that.”
”I know, James.”
”When you go it will be okay… we can still be friends. You can visit me and I can visit you.”
Regulus nods, his throat aching with tears that threaten to spill at any moment. He was being so sweet, so beautiful and sweet.
“I know we had sex and stuff… and it wasn’t a mistake for me. But… but i’m still your friend.”
”I’m still your friend too.”
James nods and sits on his bed, nodding to himself as his eyes focus in on something on the wall. he isn’t sure what to do with him now, he has no strength mental or physical to get him to leave.
Regulus sits beside him, taking his hand in his. “Lets get you back to your room?”
”No I wanna be with you.”
”James-“
”Please,” James whispers, his eyes shiny and haunting. “Please I just want one more night with you.”
He should say no. He should say its a terrible idea. That the meeting in the bathroom was a bad enough idea. But he can’t! He has no self control and the thought of one last night in his arms is enough to make the pain of leaving tomorrow a bit less severe.
So he takes him down, holding him up as they go to his little house, James already kissing at his neck as soon as the door closes. Regulus closes his eyes, his clothes falling from his body as James kisses his body with hot wet kisses.
They shouldn’t do this.
But he just can’t stop.
Soon they’re tangled together, moaning out and gripping each other for dear life, their bodies hot and hard.
James is thrusting hard and his drunk head is now focusing on giving Regulus exactly what he needs. “I wont forget you.” He whispers in his ear as he buries himself deep inside of him.
Regulus gasps, scratching down his back. “I promise I wont either. I absolutely promise.”
They come undone and immediately go under the covers, chest to chest and staring at each other. It wasn’t a mistake or maybe it was. But he can’t bring himself to regret it, not when he feels like this.
”You’re the best and worst thing that ever happened to be James.”
James smiles sadly. “Likewise.”
And so they sleep, or try to, after hours of staring and whispers of their plans together if they weren’t going to be separated they sleep.
And in the morning he knows his time is up, James was already up, with 2 teas ready and his eyes red. He was upset. Regulus was devastated seeing him like that. Unsure and sad. It made him ache.
They drink their tea in silence and when the clock strikes 9, Regulus dresses in silence. James walks him to the door, stopping him and staring down at him with such fierce eyes. He was so so beautiful.
Regulus reaches up to his face, cupping his cheek, tip toeing to kiss him gently. “Take care of yourself, James.”
James nods. “I wont say what I want to… but I want you to know that I’ve never felt this way before.”
He understands. Completely. Utterly.
”I know, sweet boy.” He whispers. “I feel it too. But I have to go, don’t be sad. I couldn’t bear it.”
James kisses him softly on his forehead, his hands loosening around his waist. “Look after yourself, Regulus. Please.”
He takes one last look at him, his face and his body and closes his eyes before taking one last kiss of his lips and not daring to look back as he opens and closes the door.
Sirius is waiting in the hall with their bags, a question on his lips that Regulus shakes his head with a silent promise to tell him later. He would tell him the truth. He would say how awful it had been. How he wished he never came, but above all, he would say how much he wanted to stay.
He wanted to stay so badly.
Mother and Father arrive and Remus checks them out, his eyes on Sirius who can leave happily, knowing this isn’t the end for them. Just the beginning.
The drive back to London was miserable, silent except for Father answering a few phone calls.
When they arrive back to the house Regulus feels the all familiar coldness filling his body, he closes the door to his bedroom and sits down on his bed.
He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t even know what to do. His phone isn’t ringing with James begging him to return. His parents are fine. Sirius is happy. Everything has changed yet nothing at all has.
His phone vibrates.
James: Merry Christmas.
Regulus stares at the message and then deletes his number, his phone being thrown to the side of the room with such force he heard it shatter.
Merry Christmas.