Sirius would find it merciful.
That's what Remus held on to. Sirius died, but he would think it was mercy over murder. Remus knew Sirius was struggling. Anyone could see it. Sirius was itching to leave that awful house, he wanted to help, to fight. He wasn't made for sitting down and planning while everyone else risked their lives. Remus should have gotten him out of the damn house. They could have gone to the country. Just the two of them. They could strategize and help prepare, but they would also be able to walk through the outdoors. Get fresh air. Harry could have joined them for holidays. It would have been nice.
Tonks put down a drink in front of Remus. He didn't know what it was and he didn't care. He was going to drink many of these because he's a werewolf and that means he has increased metabolism because his life isn't hard enough. They were at one of the orders safe houses because Remus couldn't stand the idea of going back to that house. He used to hear about it, when they were kids. Sirius never gave too many details and Remus didn't ask any questions. Seeing the house.. where Sirius grew up... not to mention the giant portrait of Sirius's abuser screaming at them... Remus should have grabbed Sirius's hand and left for the country.
But he didn't. And then Sirius was stuck there for months after twelve years of having all of that abuse brought back through memories.
Sirius would find death merciful.
"My mum was his cousin you know."
Her mum was his favourite cousin. Her mum was the only one that supported his idea to run away.
"I did." He doesn't know why the kid latched onto him. It's just the two of them still here, the rest had already left. They've never spoken. Sirius would try to find similarities in the kid and her mum, but the kid used her morphing to appear as different from the Black family as possible. Sirius didn't blame her. He used to say that the only thing she could get from their family was either madness or paranoia. Remus had pointed out that Sirius didn't get either of those things. Sirius had looked at him and smiled, if you don't think I'm mad then you're as crazy as I am.
Remus was fine with being mad, if that meant they got to be crazy together.
"When I told her he was innocent, do you know what she said? She said that it was about time people got their senses. She said that the day Sirius betrayed the Potters would be the day that she rejoins her family." The kid spoke. Remus met Andromeda a few times before the end of the first war. They never told her that they were together, but she knew. She had come up to him and made sure no one was around before saying 'I will always take his side and if I hear that you have let him down, I won't hesitate to make my family proud and hurt you'.
"I don't doubt it." Remus refilled his glass and downed it. He refilled it again.
He had always thought he would be the first to die. James had ripped the cigarettes out of his hand time after time, but Remus never stopped. He had assumed the lycanthropy would kill him early in life. The pain of his bones breaking, his skin changing, him clawing at himself. He never worried about smoking killing him because he had almost known that the wolf would kill him before anyone else. When he was sixteen he told James to plan him a good funeral. Five years later he planned James, and now he must plan Sirius's.
"I can't imagine how Harry must be doing."
Another failure of his life. At one point in time he was Uncle Moony. He was the boys second godfather in all but title, now he was practically nothing. Sirius was so good to that boy. Despite everything, despite the trauma, Sirius made sure that Harry felt nothing but the love he deserved. Sirius was a great godfather and he would be heartbroken to know that he only got to be Harry's godfather for such little time.
But that doesn't mean that Sirius wouldn't find death merciful. Yes he wanted to be there for Harry, and yes he would hate to leave that boy, but his life seemed to always have it out for him. First his parents, then the war, then Azkaban, then running, then back in that house. He never got a break. He never got peace. But he would get that peace in death.
Sirius would find it merciful.
An end to the suffering. Too bad Harry had to suffer from it.
"They were family. It's a shame they were broken up so soon." He said. He didn't know how to help Harry. He was only Marauder left at then end of the first war, and he couldn't help Harry. He was too torn from his own suffering. It seems history is doomed to repeat itself after all.
He poured another drink.
"I'm sorry for you too. I know you two were good friends."
Friends. That's what everyone called them. They lived together during the war, just the two of them, and people called them friends. Sirius had kissed him publicly, and they were still just friends. They used to laugh that people were more disgusted that they were two men than the fact that Remus was a werewolf dating a non-werewolf. They laughed how bigotry seemed to be the one thing that brought blood supremacists and equal rights activists together. Sirius's family used to send him death threats all because he 'decided to disobey them by being queer'. It's almost right that it was Sirius's cousin was the one to kill him.
"Thank you." Remus looked at the kid in front of him. Her aunt killed her cousin and she didn't know either of them.
Bellatrix hadn't even meant to kill him. Remus has seem her kill before like it was nothing. She had tortured his friends until they didn't even remember who they were. She would have no problem using the killing curse on anyone else in that room, but not Sirius. She stunned Sirius. If he had fallen in a different direction, he would have lived. He fell backwards and Remus wasn't quick enough to catch him. He could still be alive, but then he would be back in that house. He would be stuck inside unable to help. He would suffering.
Sirius would find death merciful.
Remus hopes that someday soon, that mercy finds him.