Not Inevitable

Deceiving the entire school and his parents turned out to be much easier than James anticipated. It was as simple as Regulus had suggested. He told McGonagall he was going home and he told his parents he was staying at school. They were probably disappointed he wouldn’t be home for the holidays, but they didn’t let on in the letter they wrote back to him. They told him they loved him, to look after himself, and that they'd see him in July. His parents know he’s only staying to help a friend, it’s not the first time he’s done so. This is just a different kind of helping.

The boys packed their bags, just as they would have to go home, but instead of walking to the train they walked to the room of requirement. They got there before the Slytherins this time and took the opportunity to properly explore the room.

They started with the upstairs, which held ten four-poster beds, much like those in their dorm, but with white curtains instead of red. Three beds were against the back wall, the wall with the door, three beds were along the next wall, facing the rest of the room though there was a curtain to the side that would separate those three from the rest of the room, and four along the far wall. Though still a very large room, it was not as big as the room below it. There was plenty of space in the middle of the beds to be used as a common area, already filled with blankets and cushions and bean bag chairs, but easy enough to cross with just a handful of steps as opposed to the dozens it takes to get across the room downstairs. On the other side of the room from the beds was a bathroom, even larger and fancier than the Prefect bathroom.

Regulus really thought this room through, James thinks. The four boys immediately go to the four beds on the far wall to drop their bags, automatically choosing the same order as their dorm– Peter closest to the door, or in this case closest to the other beds, then James, then Sirius, then Remus. Not that the order matters much when they’re only in their own bed half the time. That’s going to be a little awkward, James thinks. But the Slytherins will just have to deal with it.

Lily takes the bed closest to Peter. James feels a little bit bad about that, making her the odd one out. She must see him starting to panic about it because she smiles at him and rolls her eyes. “Relax Potter. It’s okay. Besides, that’s probably what the curtain’s for. Giving us girls the option not to look at you icky, gross boys.” James lets out a small chuckle.

“Besides,” Sirius says, “she’s never going to sleep in her own bed anyways. Not when she could be in mine.” He blows her a kiss and wiggles his eyebrows while Lily just laughs.

“Oi!” James says, grabbing a pillow off his bed and launching it at Sirius’s head. James knows now that he’s not in love with Lily. He and Lily had that conversation towards the end of last year and they’re better for it, but James hasn’t completely changed his ways and Lily hasn’t asked him to. It’s more of an inside joke now or maybe a sentimental or nostalgic reflex. It probably doesn’t seem like anything has changed between them to anyone outside of their friend group because Lily still tells him off just the same. But it is different. Because James is no longer expecting anything from her.

“Yes,” Lily says dramatically, playing into Sirius’s game. “I’m afraid I may never fall asleep outside of Sirius Black’s arms ever again.”

“And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to rest again without the delicate sound of Lily’s chainsaw snoring in my ear,” Sirius adds, clutching his hands to his chest like some old-timey lovesick character in a play.

“Oi!” Lily grabs her own pillow to throw at Sirius.

Everyone laughs as the Slytherins walk up the stairs.

“What’s so funny?” Barty asks, seeming put out about missing the fun. The Gryffindors just laugh harder.

Nothing much happens for most of the afternoon. James and his friends talk and joke and carry on just as they do in the Gryffindor common room. Barty and Dorcas fall in with them quite quickly, their particular brand of sarcasm fitting in nicely. Pandora chuckles often, adding her thoughts here and there. Evan doesn’t say much or laugh much, but he seems to be enjoying the company. Regulus doesn’t say anything, remaining on the outskirts of their group. He doesn’t look mad or sad, but he doesn’t look happy, or even just content either. He looks like he’s trying to disappear inside himself. James hates it when he does that. Or, more accurately, he hates every bad thing that’s ever happened to Regulus that forced him to learn how to do that.

But Regulus stays. He doesn’t run away to the dungeons or some other hidden corner of the castle. He doesn’t even go downstairs. He stays right where he is, at the edge of their group, but in it all the same. Eventually they get hungry enough to go explore the kitchen downstairs, but even then Regulus stays. He sits down at the table right next to James in fact, while Remus throws together something for them all to eat. James refuses to read into that.

But then they’ve finished eating and James is itching to get started, to do something, anything, that might change the fate of the ten kids sitting at the table. Everyone else seems to be on the same page, looking to Regulus.

James can tell he doesn’t like being the center of their attention, but he takes a deep breath and starts speaking anyways.

“I have this idea, but I’m anticipating that you won’t like it,” Regulus says. No one says anything. James looks at him and nods slowly, Go on. “The problem is,” Regulus continues, “Is that in order to get good at legilimency and occlumency, we’re going to have to practice it on each other.” James sees Regulus’s eyes drift to Sirius as Sirius winces. “That means we’re not going to be able to keep any secrets from each other.”

Oh, is all James’s brain has to say. Now that Regulus has said it, James knows it's true. They can’t practice digging around in each other's heads without finding out everything they might try to hide. James looks to Remus, the person in the room with the biggest secret, to James’s knowledge. His eyes are tight, but he doesn’t say anything. Remus knows it’s true too.

“Okay,” Barty says, interrupting the silence that fell over the group. “What’s your bad idea then?”

“Or your good idea,” Pandora adds, shooting Barty a warning look.

“I think it’s in our best interests to share our secrets voluntarily, before someone has the chance to take them from us against our will.” Another beat of silence.

“You’re right,” Remus says quietly. “That’s a bad idea. Unfortunately I think it’s also the right way to do it.”

“Remus!” Sirius says, knowing exactly what his secret is.

“It’s okay, Pads,” he responds, then he lets out a small chuckle. “It’s probably a good litmus test anyways. If we can’t agree to accept each other for who we are, secrets included, then Regulus’s great spy plan will never work anyways. And it’ll make a difference, that we tell each other willingly. You know it will.”

Sirius looks like he still wants to argue, but he looks over at his brother and decides against it. No one else argues either.

“Alright, so your end of the spell is pretty simple,” Regulus says as he waves his wand, bringing ten empty vials from the pensieve shelf over to the table. “You just–”

“What?!” Sirius yells. “You want us to show everyone our deepest darkest secret?”

“Um, yes?” Regulus says, tilting his head. “Didn’t we just establish that?”

“What’s wrong with just telling each other, ya know, using our words like big kids?”

“Well that’s not really the same, Sirius.”

“Sure it is. I say the thing and then you know the thing. Boom, done.”

“Not ‘Boom, done,’” Regulus says, a hint of anger detectable under his even tone. “Using legilimency means that someone else is going to see it, not just know it. Sirius, you know that. I know you know that. And you know you know that or you wouldn’t be having this reaction to the idea.”

“It’s okay, Pads.” James tells him, putting a hand on his back. “Whatever it is, isn’t going to change anything. Right?” James now looks around the table sharply, daring anyone to disagree.

“Nope,” Remus agrees. “Nothing’s going to change. I think we have to be realistic that things will potentially be awkward for the rest of the night. But if we all promise to do our best to get over it as quickly as possible, everything will be fine.” Everyone nods.

Remus turns to Regulus. “Alright, I just think about it, right?” Regulus nods, and then Remus closes his eyes. He takes a breath. “Okay, do your thing then, Black.”

It takes a few minutes for Regulus to pull everyone’s memories, but then they’re all standing in a circle around the pensieve, clutching their secrets in their hands.

James is panicking. First, he’s panicking about sharing his secret, knowing that there will probably be some very big reactions to it, Sirius especially. But maybe Sirius’s reaction will be smaller for his brother’s sake. James knows that Regulus asking for his help means everything to Sirius, he thought he’d lost Regulus for good. Sirius isn’t going to throw this second chance away, no matter how angry he might be at what he sees.

But then he’s standing in a circle around the pensieve and he’s panicking about something else entirely. The last time they stood like this, they didn’t survive. They literally stood here and watched everyone around them die. James knows he can’t do it again. He also knows that that’s not what’s happening. It’s going to be purely memories this time, no terrible futures. But his body doesn’t seem to know that. His heart is beating too fast and he can’t seem to pull enough oxygen into his lungs. He’s squeezing Sirius’s hand, and Sirius is squeezing right back. Regulus is staring down at the pensieve like it’s going to reach out and grab him.

Remus is the one to break James out of his spiral. “Okay, I’ll go first,” he says. No! James thinks, back to the first kind of panic. Remus can’t go first. Remus shouldn’t go at all. How are they going to be able to stop the others from telling everyone Remus’s secret once they know? This can’t happen. I can’t let this happen. James reaches out to grab Remus’s arm, stop him from pouring the silvery contents of his vial into the basin, but he’s not fast enough. By the time James gets a hold of his wrist, the water is already liquid silver.

“It’s okay,” Remus reassures him. “I want to.” And then James’s feet leave the ground and he’s being tugged upside down and then rightside up as the mist builds up walls around him.

They’re in a very small room with no windows and only a single door in front of them. The walls are gray, probably some kind of cellar. A young boy, five or six years old, is kneeling on the cement floor, pounding on the door and crying.

“Please,” the boy shouts. “Please mama. It hurts! Let me out! Mama, please!” The boy pleads with the door for a little while longer, eventually coming to the conclusion that no one is going to help him. He stops yelling then, simply sinking to the floor, crying softly.

And then the boy is yelling again. No, not yelling, screaming. He’s screaming, not even able to form words, just sounds, as his bones start breaking and his shape starts changing.

James has seen this first hand, and it’s always awful. But it’s even worse watching five year old Remus go through it than watching sixteen year old Remus go through it. At least when sixteen year old Remus transforms, his friends are there to help him, to keep him company. Five year old Remus is all alone.

He looks around at his classmates. Remus is remarkably calm watching his younger self break apart. James probably should have expected that though, Remus never was one to dwell on pain. I feel it when it’s there and then when it’s gone, it’s gone Remus had told him the first time his friends witnessed the transformation. There’s no way that’s the truth, James knows, but Remus pretends it is, even to himself.

Everyone else looks the same way James feels: saddened by the boy in pain. But no one is backing away from teenage Remus. No one is calling him a monster or raising their wands.

The room becomes silent as the transformation finishes. The wolf in the cellar is much smaller than the one James knows from the Shack. His paws are too big and he doesn’t seem to know what to do with his tail.

“Aw,” Sirius croons at Remus, Now-Remus, leaning into his shoulder “You used to be so cute, Moony. When did that stop?” Remus rolls his eyes and light-heartedly pushes Sirius away. Sirius just laughs and then the walls are swirling away.

Remus’s whole demeanor changes when the walls reform into those of a small kitchen. He braces himself for whatever is about to happen.

A boy, Remus, eight or nine now, walks into the kitchen from a door off to the right. “Dad!” he says excitedly when he notices a figure at the table. “Are you okay?” he asks, once he realizes the figure is slumped over in his chair with his head in his hands.

Little Remus walks over to his dad, and the pensieve pulls James and their circle along to follow.

Remus’s father has his wand in one hand and a piece of paper under the other. I’m so sorry, my son, the note reads. The sandy haired boy goes to his father and tries to wake him up, poking him. “Dad?” He pokes him again, then shakes his shoulders when the man doesn’t wake up. The man tumbles to the floor, landing on his back. His eyes stare blankly up at his son, but they don’t blink. He’s dead, James knows. He killed himself. That, James hadn’t known.

He looks to Remus, who is staring at the floor, at himself and his father. James reaches out and grabs his arm, pulling him into a hug, quickly joined by Sirius, Peter, and Lily. The walls disappear and they tumble back through space to land in the room of requirement.

Remus breaks up their hug, staring across to the Slytherins, waiting to see what they do.

“So that’s why they call you Moony, huh?” Regulus asks him. Remus laughs and nods

“So you gave them their stupid nicknames as revenge?” Regulus teases. Regulus teases, James thinks. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. Maybe everything will be just fine.

“No, they came up with the stupid nicknames all on their own.”

“Yeah, I can explain that one!” Peter says, holding up his vial. He had been just as nervous as James a few minutes ago, but now that Remus is in the clear, he seems very excited to share his own secret. Honestly James is too. It’s the best, most complex magic they’ve ever done. He’s looking forward to showing it off a little. Old habits die hard.

Peter dumps his vial into the pensieve and James lands on his feet in the Gryffindor dormitory.

Twelve year old James, Peter, and Sirius are all huddled on top of James’s bed whispering excitedly.

Little Remus opens the door to the dorm and the three other boys freeze, staring at him grinning. Remus doesn’t say anything, just gives them a questioning look before deciding he doesn’t want to know what they’re up to and walking past them to get to his own bed. He barely has a chance to sit down before Sirius jumps from James’s bed and tackles Remus in his.

“Guess what Moony?” Sirius says.

“I don’t think I want to know,” Remus responds from underneath the other boy.

“Oh yes you do!” Peter pipes up, him and James moving to join their friends on the other bed.

“We figured it out,” James says. The three of them wait, with mischief in their eyes and grins on their faces, for Remus to cave and ask them what they’re talking about. He does.

“What did you figure out, exactly?”

“Your furry little problem,” Sirius answers.

Remus panics underneath him. “No. There’s no cure. Whatever you think you know, you don’t.”

“Yes, we know that.” Sirius rolls his eyes, exasperated. “We figured out something else.”

“We’re going to become animagi!” Peter exclaims.

“What?” Remus asks, genuinely dumbfounded. James remembers being proud about that. Remus is a hard person to truly shock.

“We’re going to become animagus,” Sirius repeats, shaking Remus’s shoulders.

“That way,” James explains, “We can keep you company during the moons!”

“No!” Remus shouts, back to panicking. “You can’t! I’m not in control during the moon, I’d hurt you. I could kill you.”

“That’s the thing,” James continues. “You won’t. You’re dangerous to humans, not animals, and we’d be animals. It’s perfect!”

“No!” Remus shouts again. “Even if that is true, which I’m not sure it is, you could still get hurt.” Remus pushes Sirius off of him and stands up. “Not to mention it’s an extremely complicated and dangerous process. You could get yourselves killed before the wolf has anything to do with it!” He looks very intently at Sirius. “You can’t do this.” Sirius simply rolls his eyes. Remus turns to James instead. “You won’t do this,” he demands.

“But–” Peter starts. Remus doesn’t stick around to hear any more, leaving the three boys alone in Remus’s bed.

“We’re doing it anyway, right?” Sirius asks the other two boys. Peter and James both shift their gazes away from him.

“I don’t know Sirius,” James replies. “He said he doesn’t want us to. He seemed like he really meant it.”

“Yeah, he probably did,” Sirius says angrily. “It doesn’t mean we have to listen. He’s just scared, and he’s allowed to be scared. But we’re his friends, so we’re allowed to help him whether he likes it or not!”

The mist swirls as Peter’s memories bring them further along in time, to the very beginning of fifth year. James remembers this part too. It’s one of his favorite memories.

This time, the three boys enter the dorm, where Remus is already laying in his bed, reading a book. He looks up at them when they enter, sees their nervous fidgeting, feeling their chaotic energy, and goes back to reading his book. The three boys line up at the foot of his bed.

“Moony,” Sirius announces. “We have something we need to tell you.”

Remus’s eyes go wide, undoubtedly expecting the worst.

“Something to show you, actually,” James says with a wink, telling him everything is alright.

“Okay…” Remus says, still hesitant. “Show me what?”

“This!” Peter yells. And then Peter is gone and in his place is a large brown rat.

“Remember that solution we had to your furry little problem?” James asks. “We did it!”

“No you didn’t,” Remus says angrily, “Because I told you not to.”

“We know,” Sirius says, “We did it anyway.”  And then he jumps up, but when he lands on Remus’s bed, he’s a large black dog.

“Of course you’re a dog,” Remus mutters. “And what’re you? A cat?” He asks James harshly.

“Not quite,” James says laughing. And then James is gone and there’s a very large stag in the middle of their dormitory. Remus lets out a small sound of panic, backing up away from him.

James, Now-James, laughs along with his friends as they watch themselves run around their bedroom as animals.

When his feet land back on the stone floor of the room of requirement, Lily’s green eyes are piercing his.

“I don’t believe it,” She says, crossing her arms.

“I don’t see why not,” James replies, smirking. “But I’ll prove it if you want me to.” James doesn’t wait for her to respond before he transforms. Lily’s mouth falls open.

“Lily,” Sirius says, “Meet Prongs.”

Prongs bends his knees, kneeling down in front of Lily. She reaches out and touches his nose. “No way,” she breathes. Prongs rolls his eyes and she laughs. When she takes her hand away, James is back on two legs.

He looks across to the other five kids. They also have their mouths hanging open. James just grins.

“Well at least now you guys know this is going to work,” James says. Regulus tilts his head to the side, confused. “We became illegal animagi as teenagers. It shouldn’t be too hard to learn how to play a few mind games,” James explains with a shrug. Regulus’s lips curl up in the corners and his eyes brighten for the first time all day.