ACT 2 SCENE 1 (part 1)
PERSON1: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Harry Potter, the boy who beat Voldemort now says he’s back! Daily Prophet! Get your Daily Prophet here!
PERSON2: Harry Potter versus Voldemort, round two! Minister of magic Cornelius Fudge makes a statement!
The students flinched at the sight of Cedric’s actor being reused, but it was easy to deal with through the comedy.
FUDGE: I’ve heard these voldemort rumpus and I for one simply don’t believe it.
“That certainly sounds accurate,” Harry sighed.
PERSON2: Voldemort talks about it on his new FlooTube channel!
“Flootube?” Ron asked.
“It’s a play on a muggle website, I'm assuming, where people can upload their own videos for others to view,” Hermione told him.
“Why would Voldemort make one?” Ginny scoffed.
“I believe it’s to make the fact that the Minister denies his reappearance more humorous,” Dumbledore told her.
VOLDEMORT: I’m gonna find Harry Potter and I’m gonna [bleep] in his [bleep]!
“WHAT?!” Harry shrieked. Ron and Ginny burst into giggles, whereas the rest of the room just seemed downright horrified.
PERSON2: Also does reviews of ‘17 again’.
“Muggle movie,” Said the person over the speaker, chiming in.
VOLDEMORT: Well, it was a little slow in the beginning, but come one, Zac Efron. Zefron! Enough said.
FUDGE: I’ve seen these so-called posts and I still don’t believe it. This is a ruse. You all have been hoodwinked!
PERSON3: Professor Quirrell confesses to murder of Hogwarts student Cedric Diggory, receives life in Azkaban!
ALL: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Extra!
(Ron and Harry enter. Ron is carrying an oversized chocolate bar).
“Okay, serious, do I actually eat this much?” Ron said, getting fed up with the bit at this point.
“No, but bloody hell, where would you get chocolate like that?” Draco laughed. The Gryfindors had to agree, and laughed as well.
HARRY: Man… Ron, this totally sucks, man. This-
RON: This is horrible.
HARRY: Yeah, I know, I mean, look at this. This is… it’s terrible. ‘Harry Potter versus Voldemort: The Fight of the Century’.
RON: No, it’s not that.
“What else!” Harry protested. “Why would you not be worried about that?”
RON: It’s Hermione.
Ron covered his face with a pillow.
RON: It’s just like, I can’t get her out of my head, and every time I look at her, I have these pains in my chest, and I just know it’s her fault. That bitch.
Ron screamed into the pillow.
“Damn,” Hermione said.
“I DIDN’T ACTUALLY SAY THAT,” Ron yelled, voice still muffled.
RON: I’m just not cut out for this, Harry. I’m not.
HARRY: Yeah man, I know what you mean. It’s like, when you’re trying to save the world, and the whole world is just against you-
RON: No, no, no, no, no! This isn’t about you!
“To be fair, Harry should probably be trying to help Ron, even if he is going through some stuff,” Hermione pointed out.
“I feel like You-Know-Who being back is a little more important, but I get what you’re saying,” Harry agreed.
RON: Why does every conversation we have to have have to turn into Potter talk?
HARRY: It’s not Potter talk-
RON: No! No! I’m miserable! And all you can do is talk about yourself. You’re like the most self absorbed guy I know. If you were miserable, I’d be there for you, but you won’t even listen to me, and I'm sick of it.
“I feel like he is miserable, though.” Ron said. “That Ron should be there for him more. I mean, the guy who’s trying to kill him is back!”
RON: So- so, so good luck with whatever you were talking about, and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. ‘Cause me, I am never going to be happy again. So i’m just gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.
“You can fit into a sock drawer?” Hermione said, glancing at the tall lanky boy.
“No. But I guess that guy can.”
HARRY: Ron…
HERMIONE: Were you just talking to Ron?
“I have a feeling that my character is going to be just as oblivious,” Hermione predicted.
HARRY: Yeah, I was trying to tell him about Voldemort-
HERMIONE: Well did he say anything about me?
“Called it!” She announced, trying to avoid any awkwardness surrounding the obvious feelings onstage.
HARRY: Uh, yeah, he said that someone told me-
HERMIONE: Well, was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?
“Actually, it does make sense that she would want an apology,” Ginny pointed out. “The way Ron treated her was really rude.”
“He was drunk on butterbeers,” Ron reminded her. “But you’re right, that doesn’t excuse it.”
HARRY: Um, yeah, I heard about that. Listen, I was wondering maybe if you heard about a little something, I don’t know, that uh. Voldemort is back!
“...Yeah, I feel like they should probably care about that a lot more,” Harry said.
HARRY: Uh, Cedric Diggory is dead! Professor Quirrell was crazy, oh! And now I have to save the world. Did you hear that, Hermione?
HERMIONE: Um, actually, I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times. But never have they been told to me with such sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You’re acting like Garfield on a Monday.
“I don’t know who that is, but I'm still offended!” Harry said, mimicking the movement of his character on screen. Ron and Ginny laughed at that, and Hermione rolled her eyes, pretending she wasn’t smiling.