totally awesome

HARRY: Well don’t you think I have a right to be a little stressed out?

HERMIONE: Wh-no. No I don’t.

“That’s not true at all,” Hermione protested.

HERMIONE: You know what, this is just like with the dragon, okay? I stressed out, I told you to prepare, and yet you didn’t do anything, and you were fine. You know, you just played your little guitar. I mean, and I don’t know what you’re crying about, Harry. This is just like when you defeated Voldemort and you were a baby.

“She does kinda have a point,” Draco said. The group shot him glares.

“Her argument didn’t even begin to cover the fact that You-Know-Who is stronger now, and he’d have a whole army backing him up,” Hermione told him matter-of-factly.

HARRY: Hermione, come on. You’re the friend that’s supposed to tell me to go to the library and try to figure stuff out-

HERMIONE: Well you know what, Harry? I don’t do that anymore. (She walks away).

“Rude,” Hermione grumbled.

DRACO: I heard Voldemort’s back.

Draco had his arms in a twist, bracing for his character’s presence.

DRACO: And he’s trying to kill you. What do you think about that, Moonshoes?

HARRY: Malfoy, I honestly see- I don’t see why you’re so happy about this. If Voldemort is back, which he is, you might as well kiss Hogwarts goodbye. You might as well kiss the whole planet goodbye.

DRACO: Kiss the planet goodbye? Having second thoughts about Pigfarts, are you?

“THAT’S NOT A REAL THING!” Draco shouted for what felt like the hundredth time. He looked furious.

HARRY: Malfoy, you’re the last person I want to talk to now, okay?

DRACO: You know what? As soon as you’re out of the way, I'll be the coolest kid in school.

“You’re definitely not that high up on the list,” Ron told him. Draco sneered back.

HERMIONE: Malfoy, that will never happen. Everybody hates you.

“No they don’t,” Malfoy mumbled to himself. Right?

DRACO: Oh right, okay, this coming from Hermione Stranger.

PANSY: She’s right, Malfoy. She’s cooler than you.

CHO: Yeah, even Moaning Myrtle is cooler than you.

“Moaning Myrtle isn’t cooler than anybody,” Ginny mumbled.

“Don’t take his side!” Ron whispered to her.

“I wasn’t, just pointing it out.”

NEVILLE: Take this! Expelliarmus!

(Draco’s pants fall down).

DRACO: No!

The students all burst into laughter. Draco's face turned red and he pulled up the hood on his robes, covering his face.

“Is that a diaper?!” Harry shrieked through his laughter. Even Snape and Dumbledore were chuckling.

“THAT’S UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!” Draco repeated over and over.

DRACO: Ignore it! Ignore it! Don’t say anything! Stop it!

SNAPE: What the devil is going on here?

(Draco is crying).

SNAPE: Draco malfoy, pull those trousers up at once.

DRACO: Professor, I just-

SNAPE: I don’t want to hear it. I need to see you in my office-

(He lifts up his hand, which now ends in a hook).

SNAPE: -Now.

“He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he cut off his hand!?” Harry asked, shocked.

“I’m not a buffoon,” Snape hissed. “I would never make such a large mistake like that.”

DRACO: This is all your fault, Potter! You’ll pay for this! You’ll all pay!

(Draco exits).

“Is she gone?” Draco asked, face still covered.

“Yes. And-” Ginny began.

“Please don’t talk about that.” Ginny didn’t continue. That was probably one of the first times she’d heard Draco say please. Maybe he isn’t completely horrible.

HARRY: (High fiving Neville) Nice. You’re the man.

CHO: That made me feel better.

(Ginny enters, eating Doritos).

HARRY: Hey Ginny, what’s up- Hey, I hope you have something to say about Voldemort.

GINNY: Who?

“How does she not- i’m not-” Ginny gave up and just scowled at the TV.

HARRY: Whatever.

(Ginny offers him Doritos).

HARRY: No, I'm fine.

GINNY: Um, hey Harry?

HARRY: Yeah?

GINNY: Um, so, we kissed. At the Yule Ball? And, well, I thought we were gonna be together forever. But we’re not.

“...Yeah. Just restating the events for the audience, I guess” Ginny mumbled, trying to avoid the awkwardness.

HARRY: Yeah that… pretty much sums it up.

GINNY: Hey, what’s going on?

HARRY: Ginny, this is what’s going on. Don’t you get it? Everyone is in danger who’s near to me. We can’t be together because, well, if Voldemort is back, which he is, then you’re in mortal peril. Don’t you get it?

Ginny was surprised. Was that the reason he’d been so strange about the kiss? Because he didn’t want to endanger Ginny?

HARRY: It’s just like the Spiderman movie. Haven’t you seen that?

“No,” Responded several of the people in the room.

“Spiderman is a movie franchise in the Muggle world about a boy who gets the abilities of a spider,” The helpful voice over the speakers informed them.

HARRY: MJ and Peter Parker can’t be together.

GINNY: But the whale point of Spiderman 2 was that MJ and Peter Parker could be together and-

HARRY: Yeah, I know, but the point of Spiderman 3 was that everything sucks and that falls to shit! Ginny, what I'm trying to say is, I don’t want my life to be like Spiderman 3. I hated that movie. I’m sorry, it’s just, that’s my little way of saying, well, we can’t be together. I’m sorry, Ginny.

(Ginny begins crying).

GINNY: I’m such an idiot!

“That was kinda harsh,” Harry admitted. “Musical me is annoying.”

(Ginny exits).

HARRY: Ugh, I need a- I need a butterbeer.

DUMBLEDORE: Hey! Psst, Potter!

(Dumbledore enters, wearing a different beard over his beard).

“Is that beard his disguise?” Ron asked.

“It appears so,” Dumbledore chuckled.

DUMBLEDORE: Hey! It’s me.

HARRY: Who’re you?

“I guess it worked,” Ron snickered.

(He pulls down the beard).

DUMBLEDORE: It’s Dumbledore.

HARRY: Oh.

DUMBLEDORE: Listen, listen Harry, I’ve got some very important things I gotta tell you.

HARRY: What? Oh, about Voldemort?

DUMBLEDORE: Yes! Things that are absolutely crucial for you to know! But I can’t get into it right now. I need you to meet in my inner office at 10 o’clock. And come by yourself. Bring that uh, Invisibility Cloak of yours.

“You know about Potter’s Invisibility Cloak and you allowed him to keep it?” Snape asked. Dumbledore nodded.

“For a boy in Harry’s position, a cloak can be useful.”

DUMBLEDORE: And don’t go blabbing your mouth about this to anybody. Voldemort has spies that can be anywhere. Even inside of Hogwarts.

Everyone turned to Snape.

DUMBLEDORE: From now on, the only people you can trust, Harry, are me, and Severus Snape.

HARRY: Listen, Dumbledore, I know you don’t want to hear this, but… I am not so sure about Snape. I think, I think- You know I'm pretty sure he’s working for Voldemort.

DUMBLEDORE: What? That’s stupid. You’re stupid!

“I would never say that to a student,” Dumbledore said calmly.

HARRY: No, no, no, I’m actually- I’m positive. That night in the graveyard, some Death Eater cuts off his hand, and Snape shows up without a hand.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh cockamamie! Snape has assured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated incident.

“What a coincidence,” Hermione mumbled.

HARRY: Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?

DUMBLEDORE: Because I love him.

“While I do respect Professor Snape, my days of romance are long gone. I suppose our friendship could’ve been misinterpreted that way,” Dumbledore assured the group. Snape looked disgusted.

“Headmaster Dumbledore is decades older than myself.”

HARRY: Professor, I-

DUMBLEDORE: Hey, I don’t want to hear anything else about it. There is no way that Severus Snape is, was, or ever shall be a servant of Voldemort’s.