Act 1 scene whatever I lost track
(Fade into the yule ball. A music-box-esque song plays, and Ron enters, carrying some butterbeers.)
“Ugh, those dress robes look just as bad as I remember,” Ron groaned.
HP: “Hey Ron.”
RW: “Hey, what’s up dude, how’s it going? Have you seen Hermione at all?”
HP: “No, I haven’t. Why?”
RW: “Nothing, nothing. It’s just, you know, I- I heard Parvati Patil telling Padma Patil that she had seen Hermione in the girl’s locker room before just crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall.”
HP: “Why? What happened?”
RW: “I don’t know. Isn’t that like the saddest thing you’ve ever heard?”
HP: “Yeah.”
RW: “I mean, I don’t know, it’s just, it was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize that nobody would ever like her, you know?”
“That’s not true,” Ron said, looking Hermoine dead in the eyes. “I would never say any of this, ok?” Hermione nodded, though she looked hurt by what the actors were saying about her. Ron and Harry both half-hugged her, and she managed a small smile.
RW: “Because of her obnoxious personality-”
“You’re not obnoxious,” Harry assured her.
RW: “- and her ugly face-”
“You’re far from ugly,” Ginny added.
RW: “-and misshapen body,”
“I don’t even know where they got that idea from,” Ron said.
“Guys, it’s alright,” Hermione mumbled, smiling. “I know you don’t think any of this.”
“Yeah, and you talking over everything is getting old,” Draco pointed out. Hermione rolled her eyes.
RW: “But you know, it’s just, I don’t know, I figured she’d get into a least one night of happiness before she realized she was gonna be growing old alone, you know?”
“Ron, we know that you would never be this harsh,” Dumbledore said, cutting off a worried Ron from apologising once more.
DM: “Hey, you two over here talking about Granger?”
“She’s so short…” Draco groaned.
HP: “Malfoy, get out here, it’s none of your business. Why don’t you go dance with Pansy over there?”
DM (to Pansy): “Hey, go get me some punch.”
“He could at least say ‘please’,” Hermione sighed.
PANSY: “Okay. Wait, um, I should tell you there’s Squirt in it.”
HP: “Oh, nice.”
DM: “Squirt? Ugh. Never mind, I'll stay dehydrated.”
“You shouldn’t be dehydrated, Mr. Malfoy,” Snape commented. “Your father wouldn’t like that at all.” Draco did his best to look like he didn’t care.
DM: “go, go powder your nose or something.”
P: “But I just fixed my makeup a little while ago?”
DM: “Ugh, trust me, you need more powder. (turning away from her) Pain in the ass, right?”
Ginny mumbled some things under her breath that would’ve sent her mother into cardiac arrest.
DM: “So anyway, I noticed Granger’s not around here. Probably for the better too. No one would be able to keep their hummus and pita chips down with that ugly mug of hers darting all about.”
RW: “Wow, why don’t you just give her a break for once? Okay Malfoy?”
DM: “Why defending her, Weasley? Have a crush?”
Ron casually scooted slightly away from Hermione. Ginny poked him in the side.
“Oooooo, Ron do you-”
“Shut. Up.” Ron hissed at her, face growing redder. Hermione did her best to ignore them.
RW: “No! No! Why all the insults Malfoy? Covering up a crush?”
“You wish,” Malfoy snickered.
“I really don’t wish, Malfoy,” Hermione responded. The Gryfindors laughed.
RW: “Yeah? Yeah?”
DM: “Oh… right, right. Like I could ever have a crush on that stupid…”
CC: “Oh my gosh! Y’all!”
(Hermione enters.)
CC: “She looks so beautiful! Bless her heart. She looks great.”
(Granger Danger intro begins.)
“Oh nooooo,” Ron mumbled, knowing what was about to happen.
RW: “Here I am, face to face, with a situation I never thought I’d ever see,”
“MY ACTOR HAS A PRETTY GOOD SINGING VOICE, HUH?” Ron shouted before anybody could say anything else. Hermione felt herself begin to blush as the musical Ron sang about her.
RW: “It’s strange, how a dress can take a mess and make her nothing less than beautiful to me. It seems like my eyes have been transfigured, something deep inside has changed. They’ve been open wide, but hold that trigger. This could mean… danger. I’m falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I think I'm falling in love, falling in love… with Hermione Granger.”
Harry and Ginny were thoroughly enjoying how embarrassed both Hermione and Ron looked.
“Got something to tell us, Weasly?” Draco teased.
(The lights dim on Ron and the camera angle changes to show Draco.)
“Wait, why is it moving to me?”
(He walks into the spotlight.)
“WHY IS THE LIGHT ON ME?!”
DM: “What-”
“Nooooooo,” Draco groaned, curling up into a ball. Ron laughed.
“Got something to tell us, Malfoy?”
DM: “What the hell is this? You expect me to sing about her? I don’t care about her.”
“EXACTLY!!” Draco agreed. The Grynfidoors were dying of laughter.
DM: “It’s just a little makeup, Draco, wake up! I’m mistaken. She is the HOTTEST girl i’ve ever seen!”
“Why thank you, Draco!” Hermione giggled. Draco’s face was redder than Ron’s had been.
DM: “Now, because she’s like a girl I've never seen. Don’t know why I’d ever be so mean…”
“Well, it seems that this version of Draco is going to see the consequences of bullying Hermione,” Dumbledore noted.
DM: “This could mean… danger. I’m falling in love, falling in love, falling in love… I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love… with Hermione Granger.”
BOTH: “I want to let her know-”
“A Ron and Draco duet was not something I expected from this,” Harry laughed. Ron was, once again, scooting away from Hermione, knowing his character would be singing again.
DM: “I feel so queasy.”
BOTH: “But I can’t let it show-”
RW: “She’d laugh! Poor Weasley…”
BOTH: “Come on-”
RW: “Ron!”
DM: “Draco!”
BOTH: “You gotta let it go! You gotta let it go!”
RW: “Here I am face to face-”DM: “What?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?”
Draco made a noise somewhere between a scream and a cry. He covered his face with his hands. Harry laughed so hard that he was gasping for air.
RW: “With a situation I never DM: “I want to sing about her, sing about
Thought i’d ever see, strange her. I want to make up, Granger wake up!
How a dress can take a mess I’ve been mistaken. She is the hottest girl
And make her nothing less than i’ve ever seen, now, because she’s like a
Beautiful to me… it seems like girl i’ve never seen, don’t know why, i’d
My eyes have been transfigured ever be so mean!
Something deep inside has changed.
They’ve been open wide but hold that
Trigger…”
BOTH: “This could mean… danger.”
“She can sing pretty high,” Hermione remarked, thoroughly enjoying Draco’s embarrassment.
BOTH: “I’m falling in love, falling in love, falling in love… I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love… with Hermione Granger… with Hermionie Granger… With Hermione Granger… danger!”
(Draco runs offstage, and the screen fades to black).
The room sat in awkward silence. Everyone turned to look at Ron and Hermione.
“Let’s not talk about this right now,” Hermione decided. Ron sighed in relief.