totally awesome

(Fade in. Snape walks in with a wreath.)

SS: “Attention all Hogwarts students.”

The real Snape inhaled sharply, trying to remain stone faced against his character’s facial expressions and voice.

SS: “Tonight is our annual Yule Ball, so please remember to pick up your Yule Ball wreath and give it to that special someone.

(Ginny enters.)

SS: “Ah! Ginger!”

(Snape throws the wreath at her and runs away.)

“Our hair isn’t even that red,” Ron defended. Ginny nodded, crossing her arms.

(More people enter, including Harry freakin’ Potter.)

GW: “Oh, hey. Harry Potter?”

Ginny’s face flushed, knowing what was about to come. She pulled her robes up to cover her cheeks.

HP: “Oh, hey Ginny.”

GW: “Fancy seeing you here, huh?”

HP: “Well it’s the cafeteria so yeah.”

GW: “Um, so… um… the Yule Ball's coming up, huh?”

HP: “Yeah, I know it is. Very, very soon, yeah.”

GW: “Um, well were you thinking of going with anybody?”

“There’s no way she’s actually going to ask him,” Draco said. “Didn’t have the guts to in real life either, if I recall.” Ginny glared at him.

“Oooo, you’re gonna ask Harryyyyy,” Ron said, poking his sister in the side.

“Stop it,” She mumbled, face turning even redder.

HP: “I was. I was actually just waiting for the right time to ask somebody and I think… I think that time’s about now so if- if you’ve got something to say just… get it out.”

(Ginny reveals the wreath and squeals happily.)

HP: “Oh, is this for me? Ah, Ginny, how did you know I needed a wrath so I could ask Cho Chang? You’re the best!”

“Of course,” Harry sighed. “I asked Cho but she had already committed with Cedric. Same thing is probably going to happen here.”

GW: “Harry Potter… just- you… Forget it!”

HP: “Alright I will! Cool!”

(Ginny exits, crying.)

“Sorry Ginny. I wouldn’t be that obnoxious about it if you asked me,” Harry said, smiling nervously.

“It’s fine,” She mumbled, still hiding in her robes. Harry turned back to the screen, mentally kicking himself. He needed to get less awkward around her. He was just worrying that the musical would reveal that they’d kissed. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for Ron to know that he liked his little sister.

HP: “Hey, hey Cho Chang, listen, um, I know the Yule Ball’s coming up, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go with me. But just in case you’re kind of on the fence about it, you should know that I play guitar, and that I conquered that dragon’s heart with it, so I think I could conquer yours. (singing) You’re tall and fun a pretty-”

“Wait,” Hermione said, thinking. “Is this the exact same song you played Ginny?”

“I believe it is,” Dumbledore said.

HP: “- you’re really, really skinny, Cho Chang!”

“It really does work better with your name,” Harry added.

HP: “You’re the Mickey to my Minnie, I’m the Tigger to your Winnie, Cho Chang. You’re cuter than a guinea pig, I’ll take you up to Winnipeg- that’s in Canada! Ooh Cho Chang. Ch-ch-ch-ch cha chadda chadda Cho Chang. (speaking) Whatever.”

“How humble,” Ron laughed.

CC: “Well, Harry Potter, bless your heart. Um, but, I'm gonna have to say no? That young strapping boy Cedric Diggory already asked me and I’m gonna go with him. Sorry.”

(She hands back the wreath.)

“What a surprise, she’s going with her boyfriend!” Harry said, trying to show that he wasn’t disappointed about her refusal.

CC: “Come on girls, let’s go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns and make fun of her because she can’t go!”

LB: “Yeah!”

“That’s an oddly cruel thing to do,” Dumbledore noted. “Though I highly doubt the real Miss Chang would be as mean-spirited.”

(Ron enters.)

RW: “Hey there good buddy, how are you doing?”

HP: “Okay…”

RW: “Is that a Yule Ball wreath?”

HP: “Yeah.”

RW: “Who you gonna ask?”

HP: “Well I asked Cho Chang but she turned me down for Cedric… Stuppery.”

“That’s the best I could come up with?”

RW: “Oh my god they’re going together? That’s so great! I love him so- they’re so, cute-”

HP: “No, no.”

RW: “I hate him. I hate him so much. Oh my god he pisses me off, wow.”

“Really just changing my opinion for him?” Ron was a bit surprised. “Ok, you’re my friend, but I'm not gonna listen to everything you say,” Ron defended.

“You don’t need to. Musical me is kind of a jerk.”

RW: “Man, that sucks, dude. I don’t know why she’d turn you down. You’re like the coolest guy in school.”

HP: “I don’t know, I don’t get it. I play guitar, I’m Harry Potter, I’m awesome.”

RW: “Reese’s Pieces?”

Before Ron could once again ask about the American candy, they appeared on the table for him.

HP: “Yeah… I don’t get it man. I mean, I guess I'll just go stag, huh?”

RW: “Yeah, I’ll probably go stag too. And the only two girls that I know that don’t have dates already are Ginny-”

(They both do thumbs down.)

“I’m not that bad,” Ginny said, pushing her brother playfully.

RW: “-and Hermione.”

HP: “Oh my god.”

(They both do thumbs down.)

RW: “And I’m not going with my stupid sister.”

HP: “And I think of Hermione as a sister so that’s out.”

RW: “We are in such a puzzle.”

HP: “What a conundrum.”

“Oh, I wonder what you could do to both have dates,” Draco said sarcastically. Hermione rolled her eyes.

“Ginny went with Neville. Harry and Ron both got dates. This show isn’t accurate.”

(Neville enters.)

NL: “Ah, look at these strapping young men.”

HP: “Hey Neville. Hey, Neville, you want this Yule Ball wreath?”

NL: “Uh yeah, if you’re willing to part with it then I will take this wreath.”

HP: “Hey Ron, let’s go hang out with Hagrid. He can teach us how to dance so we can get in our dress robes.”

“I noticed that Hagrid hasn’t shown up at all,” Ron pointed out. “Do you think he will?”

“If he hasn’t already, then probably not,” Hermione informed him. “But you never know.”

RW: “That can only lead to disaster and hilarity.”

HP: “Well, let’s go!”

(Harry and Ron talk as they exit.)

RW: “I mean, I just don’t know about Hermoine. I don’t think anyone’s asked her yet, you know, ‘cause she’s just- she’s just so butt ugly.”

HP: “Hideous.”

“We don’t think that!” The boys said in unison.

“I know,” Hermione assured them, though she was really getting tired about all the jokes about her being ugly.

(Goyle enters.)

G: “Give that plant, nerd!”

(He takes it and Neville runs away.)

G: “Oh, Goyle rules!”

“Yeah. Accurate,” Draco said.

(Draco and Crabbe enter.)

DM: Yeah so anyway, he was reluctant enough at first, but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down cake-”

(He places down the severed head of his dragon.)

“No way you would’ve been able to chop its head off! And that’s probably illegal,” Hermione pointed out.

DM: “-and lassoed it with my Fruit by the Foot, and beheaded it with a quick slicing charm. Bloody fool… Wh- Goyle? What are you doing with that wreath? What, are you going to ask someone to the Yule Ball?”

G: “...no. Dancing’s for nerds.”

C: “And pretty girls.”

DM: “That’s right. You know who the last girl I'd have asked to the Yule Ball would be? That Hermione Granger.”

“Ugh, not this again,” Draco groaned.

DM: “Not even if we were the last two people on earth and she looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown so every time I’d look at her I’d get butterflies in my tummy. Not even then.”

“Oddly specific, Draco,” Harry teased. Draco refused to look at him.

DM: “You know, they don’t even have dances at Pigfarts.”

Draco sighed in disappointment.

DM: “All of the noise would disturb Rumbleroar’s slumbering cubs.”

G: “Dancing is for pansies.”

DM: “Right.”

(Pansy enters.)

DM: “Hey you there, what’s your name?”

P: “Pansy.”

DM: “Perfect! You’re going to the Yule Ball with me.”

“I asked her much nicer than that,” Draco mumbled. “I’m not a complete twat.”

DM: “Did you see that dragon? Well, it was reluctant enough at first, but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down…”

(Everyone exits. Quirrell and Voldemort enter.)

QQ: “Yule Ball decorating crew! Just a Yule Ball decorating crew coming through. Last minute decorations.

(He removes his turban.)

“Really?” Ginny asked. “Right in the open where anybody could see them?”

QQ: “My Lord, the Yule Ball has finally arrived and I’ve brought the key!”

V: “Yes, I know Quirrell, I hear everything that you hear!”

QQ: “I’m sorry.”

V: “No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped.”

“Wow, he’s… nice to him,” Harry remarked.

V: “I’m just nervous, that’s all.”

QQ: “Nervous?”

V: “No.”

QQ: “Why?”

V: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

QQ: “Hey, it’s just me. You can tell me anything, you know that.”

V: “Yeah, yeah, you’re right, you’re right. I’m just nervous because we’ve been planning this night for so long, and I want everything to go perfectly, you know?”

“I’d never think that he’s nervous right before trying to kill me.”

QQ: “Don’t worry. We’ve mapped out everything. We’ve anticipated every little problem and compensated for it. We’ve even prepared what you’re going to say to Potter when you see him. So just cool down. Relax. By the end of the night you’ll have your revenge and your body back.”

V: “You’re right, you’re right, I’m being… silly. And you know I- Quirrell, over the last year, I’ve- I’ve really grown attached to you. No pun intended.”

QQ: “Yeah, I know what you mean. But, hey, we’ll still hang out. Just because we won’t be attached doesn’t mean we’ll be two completely different people. No pun intended.”

“No way are they sad about splitting up?” Ron said.

“I mean, they’ve been fused together the whole year, it would be kinda weird to be alone after that,” Hermione pointed out.

V: “No, no, of course not, of course not. Hey Quirrell, we should make plans.”

QQ: “Evil plans?”

V: “Oh, uh… no. Casual plans. Like um, we could go rollerblading on a Saturday and then, uh, see a movie at night, huh?”

QQ: “Yeah.”

While most of the room was laughing at the thought of Voldemort rollerblading, Ron and Ginny had just figured out the exact same thing, and were looking at each other with their mouths hanging open.

“Oh my god, they-” Ron started.

“I know!” Ginny cut him off, laughing.

“Huh?” Harry asked, noticing them dying of laughter. Ginny slapped a hand over Ron’s mouth before he could say anything.

“You’ll figure it out eventually.” Her and Ron began snickering and whispering to each other, which enraged the people who hadn't caught on to the romance between Voldemort and Quirrell.

QQ: “It’ll be great because we’d both be able to watch it for a change.”

V: “Yeah, yeah… I bet it’ll be nice to sleep in our own beds, not have someone behind you all the time.”

QQ: “And have the privacy of my old life back again… the solitude.”

Dumbledore winked at the Weasleys, telling them that he’d figured it out. The siblings snickered, trying to remain quiet.

V: “You know, whatever happens tonight, man, it’s been a blast.”

QQ: “Yeah. One crazy year. Hey, promise we’ll go rollerblading and see that movie?”

V: “Oh, man, I promise.”

(Quirrell hugs him.)

“Awwwwww!” Ginny squealed. Draco looked at her with a judgy expression.

“Are you ‘awww’ing the dark lord?”

“Yes I am.”

V: “Okay.”

(Quirrell puts on the turban.)

V: “Quirrell, let’s go plant that key and split. Pun intended!”

(Snape enters.)

SS: “Why Professor Quirrell, what on earth are you doing in the Great Dance Hall? Just moments before the dance?”

“I do not say dance like that,” Snape said, proving himself wrong in doing so. His face flushed as the group laughed at him.

“It’s alright, Severus, let’s not laugh at our professor, now,” Dumbledore said.

QQ: “Just decorating for the Yule Ball. Last minute decorations. Just one final touch.”

SS: “A ladle?”

QQ: “A very special ladle for a very special night, for a very special punch.”

SS: “And what’s so special about it?”

QQ: “Let’s just say they’re Squirt in it.”

SS: “Squirt? Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?”

“I’ve never heard of that in my life.”

QQ: (lying) Is it? I had no idea. Well, we better be going.”

SS: “We?”

“How is he so obvious?” Draco sneered.

QQ: “I… I better be going. Loud music hurts my ears.”

SS: “Okay, well, i’ll see you later then.”

QQ: “Or maybe you won’t.”

SS: “Or maybe I will.”

“Wow. Real slick, Professor,” Ron laughed. Snape’s face scrunched up disapprovingly.

(They share a glance and walk away from each other. Dumbledore enters, bumping into Quirrell)

AD: “Excuse me, it was my fault. Hey Severus!”

SS: “Oh, uh, headmaster.”

AD: “What are you doing here? Getting some punch are you?”

SS: “Oh, no no, there’s Squirt in that.”

AD: “Oh, only Harry Potter likes that hog’s shit.”

“I guess that’s how they’re sure nobody else will drink it,” Harry noted. Hermione nodded. Ron shrugged.

“I mean, if they’re thirsty enough, I'm sure people would drink anything.”

AD: “I’ll stick to my Red Bull, thank you very much.”

A Red Bull appeared. Dumbledore picked it up and read the label.

“Ah, thank you, but no thank you. I have no need for Muggle energy drinks,” He apologized. The drink vanished.

SS: “Oh, well, goodnight headmaster.”

AD: “Severus, I- I saved this last dance for you.”

“Last dance? The dance hasn’t even started yet?” Ginny remarked, fully ignoring the fact that Dumbledore had wanted to dance with Snape.

SS: “Well I would, headmaster, but you see… Well… an old friend is coming back into town tonight.”

AD: “Oh.”

(Snape laughs evil-ly and exits. Screen fades to black.)