Act 1 Scene 9
(Fade in.)
SS: “The Hogwarts champions shall now enter the champion’s tent in preparation for the first task.”
“I do not walk like that,” Snape hissed.
HP: “Oh man, I can’t believe I have to skip lunch period for this stupid task.”
“I mean… it is important to eat,” Harry defended. Ron chuckled.
HG: “Okay Harry, today’s the day. The day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those notes I wrote for you on dragons?”
HP: “...no.”
“I would absolutely read them!” Harry defended.
“I know you would, Harry,” Hermoine assured him.
HG: “What? Why not?”
HP: “You kidding me? They were so boring.”
HG: “So y-you didn’t read them. You didn’t prepare at all? You’re not prepared at all?”
HP: “Well no, at least I have my wand… um… brought my…”
“How did I forget my wand?” Harry asked, annoyed.
(Hermione hands Harry his wand.)
HG: “...Harry.”
HP: “You’re the best!”
HG: “Harry just, please don’t die today. I don’t want to see my best friend getting eaten by a dragon.”
“Hey!” Ron said. “He’s your best friend?”
“You too, Ron,” Hermione said, putting her arm around his shoulders.
HP: “Realx, ok? Save the tears for my funeral.”
(Draco and Cedric enter.)
CD: “So tell me more about this Pigfarts. I FIND it to be very interesting.”
DM: “Well. While you’re there you have to wear your spacesuit at all times because there’s no atmosphere on Mars. So if a single docking bay door opens you’ll probably die.”
“I’m not dumb enough to believe that,” Draco added rather loudly.
CD: “My, how dreadful.”
Draco huffed and crossed his arms. He didn’t like how Cedric was talking to him like he was a little child.
DM: “Well, but the good news is, if you’re a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back.”
CD: “And he’s the headmaster lion?”
DM: “Who can talk.”
“Wow! He can talk!” Ron said sarcastically.
“Shut it,” Draco grumbled.
“Now now, I'm sure we all know Draco doesn’t believe what his character is saying,” Dumbledore said. Draco nodded.
CD: “Cool… Well hello Harry. How are you feeling today?”
HP: “Hey Cedric. Trying to- stay positive.”
CD: “Well good. I’m having a fine time at the championships. Miss Granger?”
HG: “Hello.”
(Cho enters.)
CC: “Sugar pie!”
CD: “My darling! (kiss) Was that a kiss for good luck?”
CC: “No, that was for being so cotton–pickin’ cute! This one’s for good luck.”
“I get that they’re dating, but doesn’t this seem kind of unprofessional? They are competing after all,” Hermione wondered aloud.
HP: “I hate that guy.”
HG: “It’s okay Harry, you’re going to be great today.”
(Dumbledore enters.)
AD: “Oh god! Granger, I thought you were a boggart. I’m terrified of them.”
“Nothing as inconsequential as a boggart frightens me, I assure you.”
AD: “And what the hell are you doing in the champions’ tent? Get out of here. Ten more points.”
HP: “Thanks Hermione.”
AD: “Are you kids ready to fight a dragon? Of course you aren’t, you’re just children. What the hell am I thinking?”
“Like I said before, I'd never have students fight a dragon.”
AD: “Now outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans. They’re either going to be cheering for you, or the dragon.”
Some laughed, but Harry grimaced as he wondered how many people that day weren’t cheering for him.
AD: “Either way, they’re going to be making some kind of noise. So- in order for this election process to be fair, I am going to randomly select a cardboard cutout size version of the dragon you will be defeating. For you Cedric… Puff the Magic Dragon.”
Harry and Hermione burst into laughter. Upon seeing the dragon on the cutout, the other students began laughing as well.
AD: “(To Cho) Figment the Imaginary Dragon, (to Draco) The Reluctant Dragon. And for you Potter… The Hungarian Horntail the most terrifying thing you’ll ever see in your whole life!”
“That’s certainly what it felt like,” Harry sighed.
AD: “You’ve gotten all complete-”
HP: “W-wait hold on a second. Dumbledore, wait a second. This is terrifying. Those are the cutest things I've ever seen.”
AD: (picking up Figment) This is horrifying! Just use your imagination. Disapparate!”
(Ron enters as Dumbledore exits.)
RW: “Oh my god this competition’s gonna suck. All these dragons are wimps. Accio doublestuff.”
“What am I eating? Why am I always eating?” The Oreos appeared on the table. Ron tentatively took them and tried one. “Oh. I get it. These are good.” He kept the package on his lap and continued to eat them throughout the scene.
RW: “Wow look at that one- Oh my god monster! Is that yours?”
HP: “Yeah!”
RW: “Oh my god it’s awesome. Let me hold it. Oh my god this thing is terrifying. I hope the real thing is smaller. Ferocious. What’re you gonna do?”
HP: “I don’t know, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing. It’s gonna kill me.”
(Hermione enters.)
HG: “Ron- Ron! You can’t be in here, this is the champions’ tent!”
“But you’re also in there now,” Ron pointed out.
(Snape enters.)
SS: “Miss Granger. What the devil are you doing in the champions’ tent? Ten points from Gryfindor.”
HP: “Thanks Hermione.”
RW: “Hey, good luck buddy. Bye Snape!”
SS: “Bye.”
“So he only cares if Hermione is there, but not Ron?” Ginny said, rolling her eyes.
SS: “Cedric Diggory, now is your chance to face your dragon.”
CD: “Alright fellas, wish me luck.”
CC: “I believe in you.”
CD: “That’s all I needed to hear.”
“Honestly, they’re a cute couple,” Ginny admitted. The rest had to agree.
HP: “Hey Malfoy, tell you what, I'll let you switch dragons with me. I’ll give you the chance to switch dragons with me. I’ll give you that opportunity. Tell you what, don’t worry about it..”
DM: “Let me think abou- no.”
“At least she’s not a total idiot,” Draco sighed.
HP: “I’ll, uh, I’ll give you my Gushers.”
DM: “Oh, no, no, I have a Fruit by the Foot. I don’t want to.”
SS: “Cho Chang? Your dragon awaits.”
CC: “Well… I can’t IMAGINE this would be very hard.”
SS: “Then I… IMAGINE it won’t be.”
HP: “Malfoy, come on! Uh, tell you what, I’ll throw in my Teddy Grahams, with the Gushers. You can make little Gusher-Teddy Graham sandwiches.”
“Ok, what are these snacks?” Ron asked. The speaker turned on.
“American snacks.” The speaker turned off.
DM: “Alright, you throw in that pack of Bugles and you’ve got yourself a deal.”
“Idiot,” Draco mumbled.
HP: “Absolutely not.”
Harry smacked his forehead. “Oh god. This guy.”
SS: “Draco Malfoy, your turn.”
HP: “Professor Snape, is there any way that I could, I dunno, forfeit or switch dragons? Or maybe just take a day off- What- what’re you, what’re you. What’re you doing? What is that?”
SS: “I’m protecting you Potter. Welsh Greenbacks can’t stand the taste of Hunt’s tomato ketchup.”
HP: “But I’m not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I’m fighting a Hungarian Horntail!”
SS: “Oho, well silly me, Hunt’s tomato ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love best of all.”
“Of course,” Ron grumbled.
SS: “Good luck Potter. What? No!”
AD: “And now Harry Potter will battle the terrifying Hungarian Horntail, the most terrifying thing you’ll ever see in your whole life. It should be noted that this particular dragon has not been fed in two weeks.”
SPECTATORS: “Come on Harry! Go Harry! You can do it Harry! You got it, yeah! You got this. Just think positive, you can do it! You got it, yeah! You got this!”
(Dragon enters.)
“That’s the dragon?!” Ginny laughed. The rest did as well, looking at the ridiculous puppet.
HP: “Oh my God! Accio guitar!”
“Guitar? No, get the broom! Idiot!”
HP (singing): “Hey dragon.”
“Oh no,” Draco mumbled.
HP: “You don’t gotta do this. Let’s reevaluate our options, throw away our old assumptions, ‘Cause really, you don’t gotta go through this. I’m really not that special, The Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone. The truth is in the end, I'm pretty useless without friends.”
“They got that right,” Harry said. Ron and Hermione smiled.
HP: “In fact, I’m alone. I spend my time in school, trying to be this cool guy, I never even asked for, I don’t know any spells-”
“Not true.”
HP: “- Still manage to do well. But there’s only so long that can last for. I’m living off the glory of a stupid children’s story that I have nothing to do with. I just sat there and got lucky, so level with me buddy. I can’t defeat thee, so please don’t eat me.”
“I’m just asking it to not eat me??” Harry was annoyed at this point, while his friends were cracking up.
HP: “And all I can do is sing a song for you. La-la-la-la-la.”
DRAGON: “La-la-la-la-la.”
“The dragon is-” Draco couldn’t stop himself from laughing.
HP: “La-la-la-la-la.”
DRAGON: “La-la-la-la-la.”
HP: “La-la-la-la-la.”
DRAGON: “La-la-la-la-la.”
HP: “You never asked to be a dragon! I never asked to be a champion! We both just jumped on this bandwagon, but all we need is guitar jammin’. So la-la-la-la-la.”
DRAGON: “La-la-la-la-la.”
HP: “La-la-la-la-la.”
DRAGON: “La-la-la-la-la…”
HP: “Goodnight dragon.”
(The dragon falls asleep.)
HP: “One two three I beat the dragon!”
(Screen fades to black.)
“That easily?!”