Act 1 Part 8
(Fade in. Voldemort and Quirrell stubble in, drunk.)
QQ: “I thought walking home drunk was hard before.”
V: “We should’ve realized that with both of us drinking to one belly we’d get twice as drunk.”
“Drunk You-Know-Who really makes me less scared of him,” Harry commented.
V: “Hey Quirrell. Quirrell. Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, you remember that girl you were talking to?”
“Wow, he’s not doing so great,” Ron laughed.
QQ: “Yeah.”
V: “You remember that girl we were talking to? Well I was talking to her sister on my side!”
QQ: “OOOHHHH! So that’s why she freaked out when we stood up!”
“How could someone not tell that they were connected?” Hermione asked.
“For comedic effect,” Draco sneered.
V: “Because she didn’t know that we were the same person!”
QQ: “One person! You know, I haven’t had- I haven’t had this much fun since Nearly Headless Nick’s Death Day party of ‘91.”
“Death day parties are not fun,” Ron groaned, remembering when he, Harry, and Hermione had gone to one.
V: “I haven’t had this much fun since, ah… yeah, well, shit, I can’t remember ever having this much fun!”
“That’s… sad?” Ginny said.
“Don’t feel bad for him, he’s a horrible guy,” Harry reminded her.
QQ: “You never had fun… ever? Doing- doing anything? Maybe that’s why you’re so evil.”
V: “Yeah, maybe. Definitely to do with the fact that Muggles and Mudbloods make me sick to my stomach, but, uh…”
“There’s the Dark Lord we know,” Ron grumbled.
V: “...Yeah, I guess you could be right. I guess, I mean, that’s kind of funny.”
QQ: “What is it, Voldemort?”
V: “Oh, it’s just that I never… i never ever really ever ever really ever ever really considered another reason for me being so evil, you know? ‘Cause normally I just, uh, I just kill people that try to get me to open up, you know? Oops… But uh, it’s- it’s kind of nice to just, um, kind of nice to just talk.”
Nobody wanted to admit it, but the whole room felt slightly bad for the musical Voldemort.
QQ: “You know, I have to admit, I was kind of nervous when you first demanded that you attached yourself to my soul.”
V: “Yeah I could, I could sense that.”
QQ: “But like, now I think it’s… it’s kind of cool, it’s like having a really close roommate or… or even…”
V: “Yeah, like a slave. Like a, like a Death Eater.”
QQ: “No man. It’s like… having a friend.”
“The Dark Lord doesn’t have friends,” Snape added. “And anybody as close to him as Quirrell is would know that.”
V: “I’ve never had a friend before.”
QQ: “It looks like we’ve got one now.”
“Awwww. That’s sweet,” Hermoine admitted.
V: “Who would’ve thought that at the beginning of this year we’d feel like that for each other? I guess everything is different between us now, huh?”
QQ (singing): “I guess it’s plain to see,”
“Oh god, a reprise,” Draco groaned.
QQ: “When you look at you and me, we’re… different. Different, as can be.”
BOTH: “We simply guarantee, when you look at you and me, we’re different, different as can be.”
QQ: “it’s a comedy of sorts, when you’re bound to Voldemort.”
“How would that be a comedy at all? It sounds like it’d be horrible,” Harry remarked.
V: “And i’m happy as a squirrel, long as i’m with Mr. Quirrell.”
BOTH: “We’ll lead them to the slaughter and we’ll murder Harry Potter,”
“There it is,” Harry said, sighing.
BOTH: “We’re different, different, different, different as can be!”
(They dance offstage as the screen fades to black.)
“Well. That was unexpected,” Ginny said after a few moments. “Next?”