totally awesome

(The scene quickly fades into Quirrell, who obviously has another person standing back to back with him).

“Is it weird that I'm kinda excited to see You-Know-Who’s face? I really feel like they’re gonna make him weird,” Ron said. A few people nodded in agreement, but Harry felt tense. He wondered just how close it was going to seem to the real Dark Lord.

QQ: “Fools! They’re all fools. They think they’re safe… they think they’re back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts! Little do they know the danger that’s lurking right under their noses, or should I say… on the back of their heads… 

(Quirrel tears off the turban to reveal Joe- I mean, Voldemort’s face.)

VOLDEMORT: “ARRRGHHH!”

Harry had anticipated being scared when the Dark Lord’s face was revealed, but instead he found himself dying of laughter.

“Oh god, that looks nothing like him!” He snorted.

(Voldemort choughs.)

V: “Uhhhh, I can’t breathe in that damn turban!”

QQ: “I’m sorry, my lord, it’s a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived- that when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on…”

V: “Yes, that when my body was destroyed, I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest, eating bugs and mushrooms and- yuck- unicorn blood.”

Harry and Draco shuddered at the memory of encountering a dead unicorn being fed on.

QQ: “Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.”

V: “Yes. Nobody must know any of that.”

“How convenient for the audience,” Snape said, “That they explained it to them. If anybody overheard that, they’d be dead. This makes very little sense.”

“It’s not supposed to,” Ginny mumbled.

V: “Now… Quirrell! Get me some water!”

(Quirrell picks up a water bottle.)

V: “Now Quirrell! Pour it in my mouth!”

(Quirrell pours it in his mouth. It’s really funny.)

“I guess I never really thought about how he’d drink water,” Hermione said, laughing.

QQ: “Your plan to infiltrate Hogwards on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege.”

V: “Yes yes yes,I’m done with the water. We must not have any more foul ups like tonight in the Great Hall.”

QQ: “I’m sorry my lord, YOU sneezed.”

V: “I know that! Get me some Nasonex, you swine!

(Quirrell uses it on Voldemort, and then himself.)

“Gross!” The students shouted in unison.

V: “And wash that turban! It tickles my nose.”

QQ: “Yes, my Dark King.”

V: “Ok, just… relax with the ‘Dark King’, okay? I… I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort, we’re there. We’ve reached that point.”

“The real Dark Lord wouldn’t do that, I must say,” Snape added. Draco nodded cautiously. He believed him. Even Draco’s father was afraid of him, he didn’t doubt You-Know-Who’s authority.

QQ: “yes, yes my- Voldemort.”

V: “Now Quirrell? Get us ready for bed.”

“Is it a little strange for anyone else watching him be so… normal?” Hermione asked.

“Yeah, he’s just doing, like, normal things? I guess I thought he made evil plans 24/7.”

V: “We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Mmm… tonight, in the Great Hall, he was so close I could have touched him. Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell. I can taste it. It tastes like… Cool mint.”

QQ: That’s our Listerine, Voldemort.

“Did he just drink mouthwash?! That’s not good for you!” Hermione exclaimed. Ron grimaced. That did sound gross.

V: “Yes. Excellent. Well… goodnight, Quirrell.”

QQ: “Goodnight.”

(They lay down, Voldemort face-down on the bed.)

“Oh god, I never thought about how they would sleep!” Harry laughed.

V: “Okay, okay, I can’t do this. You gotta roll over. I can’t sleep on my tummy.”

QQ: “I always sleep on my back. I have back troubles! It’s the only way I’m comfortable.”

“You’d think they had this figured out already,” Ron said. “It’s like this is the first time they slept together- wait no, that- that sounds wrong.” He wrinkled his nose. “Great, now that’s in my head.” Hermione and Harry laughed at him.

V: “You roll over right now or I'll… I’LL EAT YOUR PILLOW.”

“That’s the best threat he could come up with?” Draco asked.

“Considering the circumstances, that is quite threatening,” Dumbledore chuckled.

V: “You’ll be having a dream that you’re eating a giant marshmallow, but really you’ll wake up and your favorite goose-feather pillow will be missing!”

QQ: “Fine, we’ll compromise. We’ll sleep on our side.”

(They roll over to their side).

V: “Ok. I guess I can do this.’

QQ: “Well, goodnight.”

V: “Goodnight, Quirrell.”

After a moment, Ginny asked, “Why aren’t the lights going down yet?”

V: “Hey Quirrell.”

“Oh, god.”

V: “How long have those robes been on that chair?”

QQ: “I… I think they’re from last night. I just put them there for now.”

V: “Well, are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What’s your plan for these?”

“I never expected to hear You-Know-Who talking about… laundry,” Harry said, smiling.

QQ: “I figured I’d just leave them there for now, and maybe put them away in the morning, ok?”

V: “Uh, no. No, that’s not ok. I can’t go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair. That chair is going to start to smell like dirty clothes!”

“I feel like in the grand scheme of things, that’s not super important,” Draco decided.

QQ: “Look, I promise I’ll put them away in the morning!”

V: “You put them away RIGHT NOW! I COMMAND YOU TO GET UP AND… FOLD THEM, AT LEAST! Make it into a neat pile!”

QQ: “Look, if we’re going to be in this situation for a while, we’re going to have to learn to live with each other. Now, I’ve been single for all of my life, and I have some habits, and sometimes I leave laundry around.”

“I wonder if they actually had arguments like this,” Harry speculated. Hermione held back her laughter.

V: “Well, I believe everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods have their place.”

“Boo!” The Gryfindoors shouted.

V: “And so. Do. Your. Clothes. Namely- A DRESSER!

QQ: “Well. Aren’t we an odd couple?”

“Oh no. There’s gonna be a song, isn’t there?” Draco said, tensing his muscles in anticipation.

QQ: (singing) You won’t sleep on your tummy,”

V: “You won’t sleep on your back.”

“Isn’t that- you know, nevermind. it’s just for the sake of the song,” Hermone decided.

BOTH: “We’re quite a kooky couple, you’ll agree.”

QQ: “We share some hands and fingers,”

V: “And yet, the feeling lingers…”

BOTH: “We’re just about as different as anyone can be…”

“They’re really not,” Ron murmured. “Both evil. That’s pretty notable.”

V: “You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill!”

QQ: “You think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!”

“They are!” Hermione agreed.

“He’s the bad guy, remember?” Rom reminded her. She nodded her head, embarrassed.

QQ: “Sipping tea by the fire is swell,”

V: “Pushing people in is fun as well! I like folding all of my ties,”

QQ: “And you have no friends- hey that’s a surprise.”

“He’s quite bold talking to the Dark Lord like that,” Snape drawled. “Though I suppose You-Know-Who has no choice but to be on the back of his head.”

BOTH: “I guess it’s plain to see, when you look at you and me, we’re different, different as can be.”

V: “You’re a sissy, a twat, a girl! I’m the darkest of lords.”

QQ: “I’m the brightest professor here, I’ve won several awards!”

“Not even remotely true,” Snape hissed. Dumbledore nodded.

“Yes, as far as I'm aware, Professor Quirrel was not the recipient of any notable awards. I suppose they are trying to make him a more well-rounded character.”

V: “My new world’s about to unfold,”

QQ: “You got beat by a two-year old.”

“I wasn’t even two! I was younger!” Harry said, smiling.

V: “I’ll kill him this time, through and through,”

QQ: “Or you might just give him another tattoo.”

“It’s a scar!” Harry protested through his friend’s laughter.

BOTH: “You really must agree, when you look at you and me, we’re different, different as can-”

V: “I’ll rise again, and I'll rule the world! But you must help me renew… for when our plan succeeds-”

QQ: “Prevails!”

V: “Part of that world goes to you,”

“Would it really?” Draco snorted. “I doubt he’d give anything to anybody else.”

QQ: “When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers!”

V: “When I rule the world, I’ll have- snakes!”

“Those are both things they can already do,” Ginny pointed out.

V: “And goblins and thestralsQQ: “And Jane Austin novels!”

A fleet of dementors and giants

And werewolves and all my

Death Eaters!”

BOTH: When I rule the world!”

(The screen fades to black on their wicked laughter.)

“That was…” Ron trailed off.

“That was unnerving and strange,” Draco finished. “I never want to hear You-Know-Who sing again.”