totally awesome

"I'm just going to give you the end of Firebringer treatment."

"The wha-"

The room was blasted with a beam of Chorn-like power. After about a minute of spasming, the group regained consciousness.

“Bloody hell,” Draco mumbled, eyes wide.

“Yeah, so. Um. I just gave you guys knowledge of what happens in your future. But, I did leave out a couple key events. So you can still be a little surprised. Mostly just the romance and some dying and stuff. Take a sec to process.”

They did.

“Wait, so are you loyal to You-Know-Who?” Hermione asked Snape, confused. He sighed.

“It’s complex. For a while, I was, but now I've grown loyal to Dumbledore. I had to kill him. To protect my cover, so I could take him down from the inside.”

Harry racked his brains. He now knew what each of the Horcruxes were except- except for one. Strange. There was one that hadn’t been implanted into his memory.

Ron and Hermione both considered the large gap in memory from when they entered the Chamber of Secrets for a second time. Why couldn’t they see how they survived there?

Ginny was scared. She couldn’t see if she and Harry had anything in the future. Even after their kiss after the quidditch game, did it really mean anything? Would Harry just move on? She desperately hoped not. Perhaps the parody would tell her.

“OHHHH I get what they were saying about the Horcruxes now,” Ron said, granting nods from the rest of the group.

“Are you guys ready to start again?” The voice asked. The group nodded.

“Damn, loosen up. Alright, we’re starting.” The speaker turned off and the next clip began.

(The scene fades in from black. Ron, Harry, and Hermione are alone in the Great Hall. Everyone else has exited.)

RW: “Harry, you’ve got this tournament in the bag.”

HP: I dunno man, Cedric Diggory, he’s pretty awesome. NOT! HE SUCKS! We’re totally gonna win, it's in the bag.

“Again, I never hated Cedric. He was a great guy.”

HG: “I don’t know, Harry…”

RW: “OH MY GOD, Hermione, shut up!”

“I always value your ideas!” Ron said, backing away from her death glare.

RW: “Why do you have to rain on everybody's parade?

HG: “Because, Ron, this is dangerous!”

HP: “Dangerous? OH come on, Hermione, how dangerous can it be? Especially for me?

“Very!” Hermione shouted.

HG: Wha- you’re not invincible Harry. Somebody died in this tournament.

HP: “Uh, I’m the boy that LIVED, not died.”

Everyone laughed at that one.

“I need to use that in the future.” Harry smiled. His onscreen counterpart was funny, even if he was kind of a douchebag.

HP: “What’s the worst that could happen?

HG: “And I don’t know about that Quirrell character. You know, first he resurrects some horrible ancient tournament, then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt, and you have to admit there was something really funky about the back of his head.

Hermione sighed. She really should’ve been able to realize what was going on with Quirrell sooner. It had taken her a while to even begin to suspect that there was something going on with him.

HP: “Come on, think about it, Professor Quirrell is a professor, and who hires the professors?”

HP+RW: “Dumbledore!”

“I am not the only one who hires the professors,” The headmaster corrected. “Professor McGonagall also assists me.”

HP: “He is the smartest, most awesomest, practical wizard-”

RW: “Beautiful.”

HP: “Beautiful wizard, in the whole world.”

“I appreciate the compliment, Harry,” Dumbledore said through the snickering.

HP: “Why, why would he possibly hire somebody that’s trying to hurt me?”

HG: “Well-, We- I mean, what about Snape? He’s hated you for years! And he’s hated your parents too, Harry. Everybody knows that.”

“I did not hate Harry’s mother,” Snape corrected.

HG: “And he just so happens to pick your name out of the house cup out of hundreds, if not five, possible Gryffindors?”

“At least they’re not acting like they have more,” Hermione said, smiling.

HP: “Yeah, what a coincidence! We lucked out!”

“That is… very different to how I reacted when my name was pulled,” Harry added.

HG: “No, no, no Harry, I don’t think it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort-”

“Why are they using his name so freely?” Ron finally asked. Nobody in the room had an answer, but they agreed that it was unnerving.

HG: “- you made a lot of enemies. Ones you might not even know about.”

HP: “Alright, so let me get this straight. So you’re saying that this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me.”

HG: “I mean, I don’t know! Maybe! Anyway, I-, I-, I just think it’s dangerous and I don’t think you should do it.”

HP: “Alright, Hermione. If it means that much to you, I’ll drop out.”

“If only it were that easy,” Harry mumbled.

HG: “Oh thank you, Harry!”

RW: “Wait. What, WHAT? THE HOUSE CUP? What about all the eternal glory you’d win? Come one!”

HP: “Hey. Eternal glory? I’ve already got that.”

“True,” Ron said. “Also, why am I still eating? What’s the- Why am I doing that?”

HP: “Besides, Neville will be a great champion.”

RW: “No, no, I do not want Schlongbottom to be my champion.”

“Neville might be a good champion!” Hermione defended. In the future, he seemed to be a pretty brave guy.

HG: “Ok, look, all you have to do- oh look, there’s Dumbledore.”

(Dumbledore enters).

HG: “Why don’t you just talk to him now and tell him that you’re dropping out?”

HP: “Um, listen Hermione, Dumbledore and I are really really cool, we’re super tight, and I don’t want him to think that I’m being lazy or disrespectful, or anything-”

“I would never think that, Harry,” Dumbledore assured him.

HP: “- so can you just, why don’t you just tell him? Just tell him I want to work on school or something. Alright? Hey, you got this one.”

(Harry boops her nose).

HP: “You’re the best.”

For some reason, Ron felt a twinge of jealousy at the sight of Harry booping Hermione’s nose. It made sense. They were good friends. But still, Ron didn’t like how close they seemed.

HG: “Alright.”

HP: “You got it.”

HG: “Okay.”

HP: “Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

HG: “Dumbledlore?”

AD: “Yes, Granger?”

HG: “Uh, I need to talk to you for a moment, it’s about the House Cup tournament. Um, well first of all, I think it’s an awful idea, but um, second of all, I don’t think that Harry Potter should compete.”

AD: “Granger, why do you always gotta be such a big old stick in the mud, uh?”

Hermione looked at her Headmaster, and he simply shook his head with a smile, reassuring her that he did not think that at all.

AD: “Pray, tell me why Harry Potter should not compete.”

HG: “Uh, because he… wants to study.”

AD: “Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you.”

“I certainly hope that is not true,” Snape said, looking at the students. They all shook their heads.

HG: “Uh. Okay. Well, he wants to focus on the OWLs.”

AD: “Why couldn’t Harry have told me this himself? He thinks I’M cool. WE’RE tight.”

The group laughed at Dumbledore using slang terms. This was very out of character, but it was amusing.

HG: “Oh Professor… I’m a really bad liar. Okay. I think it’s a ruse. A set-up. And I even think Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter.”

AD: “Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met.”

Nobody commented on that. Though it did make them all severely uncomfortable.

AD: “Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just about as much as he’s trying to kill me! Huh!?”

“Quite ironic,” Dumbledore said, smiling, lightening the mood.

SS: “Why, Professor Dumbledore.”

AD: “Oh! Snape!’

SS: “I just happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this delicious sandwich.”

(Snape pulls out a sandwich with a bomb clearly visible inside it.)

“That’s not even remotely hidden!” Draco exclaimed.

AD: “Why thank you, Severus! Do you see, Granger? How thoughtful!”

“Does he seriously not see it?” Harry asked in disbelief.

“Why is musical Dumbledore so… oblivious?” Ginny murmured.

SS: “Here you are. Professor. Bomb appetit. I mean- Bon appetit…” (Makes beeping sounds while setting the bomb. The sandwich is now ticking.)

HG: “Um, is that sandwich ticking?”

AD: “It looks like it’s LICKING, finger-licking good!”

HG: “Professor, I don’t think you should eat that sandwich!”

AD: “Why, Granger? You gotta listen to Snape more often, you might even get a sandwich out of it!”

(Hermione grabs the sandwich and runs away with it. Run away. JUST RUN AWAY WITH ME YOU WON’T FEEL SO ALOOONE-)

AD: “Granger, what the hell?? Granger, what are you doing!?”

(She throws it offstage and it explodes.)

AD: “YOU DOG-GONE EXPLODED MY SANDWICH!”

“How do you still think it’s her fault?!” Ron shouted at the screen.

HG: “I’m sorry, sir!”

AD: Hey, even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger, he has to compete. Do you see that cup?”

HG: “Yes.”

AD: “It’s enchanted. Whosever’s name comes out of the cup has to compete or else the results would be… bad.”

“They got that right,” Harry said, sighing.

HG: “What do you mean bad?”

AD: “Well, try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.”

HG: “Total protonic reversal!”

“Is that a thing?” Draco asked skeptically.

“I don’t believe so,” Hermionie answered.

AD: “Yeah. So you see, he has to compete, and, Hermione, if it makes you feel any better, the last guy that died in the tournament was a Hufflepuff-”

That one hit a little too close to home.

AD: “- so, um, I’ll keep my eyes open and nothing’s gonna get past ol’ Dumbledore.”

HG: “...All right.”

AD: “Now I gotta go make myself another sandwich, although I don’t know how it’s gonna be as good as the last one. The last one ticked!”

“Because it was a bomb!” Hermione said, exasperated.

HG: “Because it was a bomb.”

The Gryfindoors laughed at that.

“They definitely got some things accurate!”

HG: “Harry, I’m so sorry but, I think you're gonna have to compete in the House Cup tournament. But don’t worry, I won’t rest until I find out what the first task is going to be.”

RW: “And I’ll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.”

“Thanks you guys,” Harry said, putting his arms around his best friends.

HP: “Alright, awesome!”

(Enter Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy, who is being carried by Goyle.)

“Why am I- no! I can walk on my own!” Draco’s face flushed.

DM: “Well. Isn’t this touching?”

RW: “Oh my god, just butt out, Malfoy.”

“I DO NOT ROLL ON THE FLOOR!”

DM: “Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you won’t last five minutes… at Pigfarts.”

“I don’t know what that is!” Draco exclaimed, shaking with anger. The other students were doing their best to hold back their laughter.

HP: “What- alright Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?”

DM: “Oh! Never heard of it?? Ha. Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts.”

HP: “Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t wanna talk about it. That’s like the ninth time you’ve mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?”

DM: “Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy.”

“No it isn’t! Hogwarts forever!” Ron shouted.

DM: “It’s where I'm being transferred next year.”

HG: “Malfoy, i’ve never heard of that.”

DM: “That’s because Pigfarts is on Mars.”

Everyone burst into laughter. Even Snape had a smirk on his face.

“That is the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard,” Draco announced.

HP: “Malfoy you know, we’re trying to have a conversation here, so if you could just leave us alone…”

DM: “Oh, no, I’m not even here.”

HP (turning back to RW and HG): “So anyways, I think we can find out about the first task from Dumbledore…”

DM: “Dumbledore?! Pff. What an old coot!”

“Not my words,” Draco said. The Gryffindor students exchanged glances. That sounded remarkably similar to some of the things they’d heard Draco say behind Dumbledore’s back.

DM: “He’s nothing like Rumbleroar.”

GOYLE: “RUMBLEROAR!!”

Nobody even bothered asking.

HP: “... Anyways, as I was saying…”

DM: “Rumbleroar is the headmaster at Pigfarts.”

DM: “He’s a lion. Who can talk.”

“Wow! Tell us more!” Ron said sarcastically. Draco looked as if he was going to die.

HP: “If you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here. It’s not like- you’re not even eating! Get out of here!”

DM: “Well, I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.”

HP: “Well, ugh, come on Malfoy, just get out of here. Please?”

DM: “Where are we supposed to go?”

HP: “Uh, I dunno…uh, Pigfarts.”

Draco mumbled something.

“What was that?” Ginny asked, smiling.

“It’s on mars.” He said a little louder, face turning even more red.

DM: “Ha ha oh ho, now you’re just being cute. I can’t GO to Pigfarts. It’s on mars.”

“She really is similar to you!” Harry said, laughing.

DM: “You need a rocket ship. Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? Yes you do! You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died.”

“I don’t have a rocketship. Though that could be kinda cool…” Harry said. Draco was calming down. He’d decided just to accept the rolling at this point.

DM: “Look at this! Look at this. It’s Rocket-ship Potter! Oh… oh STARKID Potter! MOON SHOES Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts.”

HP: “That’s it, this is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don’t care if you make fun of me, but if you’re gonna bring my parents into this it’s a whole other story.”

DM: “Woah! Not so fast! Crabbe! Goyle!”

“Are you hiding under the bench?” Ginny snorted.

“It’s not me.”

HP: “Oh sure just hide behind-”

GOYLE: “BACK OFF, NERDS!!!”

DM: “Not so tough NOW, are you, Potter?”

“Says you!”

DM: “Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend.”

“What did you just call me?” Hermione shouted, standing.

“Miss Granger, please. Draco didn’t say anything. We need to separate fiction from reality,” Dumbledore said. Hermione glared at the Slytherin boy. He’d called her a mudblood before, she had no doubts he’d do it again.

HG: “Oh that is it, Malfory! Jelly-legs Jinx!”

“Did she just say the name of the jinx?” Ron asked in disbelief.

“I guess the writers didn’t know the actual words,” She responded.

DM: “Oh, come on!”

GOYlE: “Hey! No fair! Our legs are jelly!”

HG: “Take it back Malfoy!”

DM: “Take what back!”

HG: “Take back what you said about your stupid, made-up space school!”

RW: “Yeah, and all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That’s not even a little bit true.”

Ginny rolled her eyes.

HG: “And say you’re sorry for calling me a you-know-what.”

DM: “I’m sorry!”

HG: “And you promise you’ll never do it again?”

DM: “I promise!”

HG: “Alright. Now next time we tell you to leave us alone, you better do it. Come on Harry, Ron, let's get out of here. Besides… you already ate all my lunch.”

“That’s not possible. There’s way too much food in the great hall.”

HP: “Thanks, Hermione.”

HG: “Unjellify!”

RW: “Wow, that was like, the most bad-ass thing I’ve ever seen!”

“You’re more bad-ass than that in real life,” Ron assured her. She smiled.

RW: “Too bad no one was here to see it though. It was like and outburst of pent-up aggression. Like aaarghhermione!!”

(RW, HG, and HP exit.)

GOYLE: “Wow… that sucked royal hippogriff.”

“Now they’re just making up expressions,” Ron mumbled.

GOYLE: “We got beat by a girl. Who is a nerd!

DM: “I didn’t mean what I said, you know. Pigfarts is real. Am I- am I bleeding? Goyle?

GOYLE: “No.”

“Did he just sniff you for blood?” Hermione asked, creeped out.

“He’s never done that in real life. I doubt that twat even knows what blood looks like.”

DM: “I thought maybe… maybe it was a little bit… Wow… I’ve never been pushed down like that by a girl. Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mud… Whatever.”

Hermone smiled. At least he was learning.

GOYLE: “i can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter-curse was just ‘unjellify.’”

DM: “Right. I’m not surprised. Come on, let’s go watch Wizards of Waverly Place.”

The group looked at Hermione, wondering if it was a muggle thing.

“I’m not sure what that is,” She said. “But it seems like this part is over. Next one?”