totally awesome

Before the next clip could play, a few people snatched candy and snacks off the table. Ron picked up the ‘Red Vines’ and tried one.

“Weird,” He mumbled, putting the package back down and taking a chocolate frog instead.

(Fade in to the students holding their wands to the sky. They all head to their seats.)

AD: “Yes, yes, yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter!”

“I don’t have favorite students,” Dumbledore said calmly. “Harry often needs special attention due to the situations he gets himself in.” Draco rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

RW: “Woo! Woo! Woo!”

AD: “He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby-”

All except Harry flinched at the use of the Dark Lord’s name.

AD: “And he’s even got that little lighting scar on his forehead to prove it! And another special welcome to our newest edition to Gryffindor: Mister Ginny… excuse me, Mrs. Ginny Weasley.”

“I don’t look like a boy, do I?” Ginny asked, distressed.

“There aren’t that many girl Weasleys. Probably just got confused,” Ron said, patting her on the head.

GW: “Yeah, I'm a girl, and, um, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the, uh, Sorting Hat?”

AD: “Well, um, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference aren’t going to be back until next year.”

“That’s not a real thing, is it?” Hermione asked through the room’s giggles.

“It is not. And the Sorting Hat cannot fall in love, to my understanding. I'm sure that was included for mostly comedic purposes.”

AD: “Basically I've been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want. I don’t really care.”

“That's not even remotely how it works,” Snape mumbled.

CD: “Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!”

“Are they?” Ron asked. Dumbledore shrugged.

“Some are, I suppose. I’m not sure where that came from, but the audience seems to find it funny.” The group snickered at his joke.

AD: “What the hell is a Hufflepuff?”

That sent the room into a bout of laughter.

(After a few awkward seconds, Cedric sits back down.)

AD: “Anyway, it’s time now for me to introduce my very good friend, and our own Potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.”

“Oh god, what’s he gonna look like?” Harry mumbled to his two best friends.

RW: “Oh man! not Snape! I hope they fired that guy!”

“Ten points from-” Snape began. Dumledore held up a hand.

“Severus, Mr. Weasley did not actually say that. Nothing they do in this will deserve points taken from their house.” Snape begrudgingly agreed.

GW: “Why, what’s wrong with Professor Snape?”

RW: “Uh, nothing, he’s just, uh, EVIL!”

(Snape enters.)

“Not. A. Word,” Snape hissed before the room could say anything. The Gryfindoors (And Draco) found it difficult not to laugh.

RW: “Harry’s nemesis.”

HP: “Come on Ron, he’s really not that bad. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

SS: “Harry Potter!! . . . Detention.”

HP: “What?!”

SS: “For talking out of turn.”

“They got that part right. He does that a lot,” Ron said, looking at Dumbledore. The Headmaster waved it off. Snape himself looked angry at the voice his actor had chosen.

SS: “Now, before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very first pop quiz!”

“Of course Granger is excited about a quiz,” Draco laughed.

SS: “Can anyone tell me what a portkey is? Ah yes, Miss Granger.”

“He actually called on me!”

HG: “A Portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touched it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.”

SS: “Ah very good… Now, can anybody tell me what foreshadowing is?”

“That’s not even related to potions!” Ron protested.

“Ron, do you not get the joke?” Harry asked.

“What jo- ohhhhhhhhhh. I get it.”

SS: “Yes Miss Granger.”

HG: “Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.”

SS: “Perfect.”

RW: “Wait, what was the Portkey again? I missed that one. Not you, oh my god.”

HG: “A Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere.”

Harry didn’t mention it, but he knew exactly where this was going to go. If Cedric was in this show, then he’d likely have to relive his death, meaning they’d use the portkey to get to the Graveyard. Harry tried to shake off the bad feeling he had.

SS: “And remember, a Portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like a football, or, a dolphin.”

“That’s ridiculous. A dolphin would make a horrible Portkey,” Snape corrected.

LB: “Professor? Can, like, a person be a Portkey?”

SS: “No, that's absurd. Because if a person were to touch themselves…”

“Why’d he look at me!” Ron protested as his friends laughed.

SS: “... they’d be constantly transported to different places. A person can, however, be a Horcrux.”

Harry looked at Dumbledore. They were going to talk about the Horcruxes in this show. Dumbledore smiled at him. Harry turned back to the screen.

HP: “What’s uh, what’s a Horcrux?”

SS: “I’m not even going to tell you Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.”

HG: “Professor, what’s the point of this quiz?”

SS: “Oh, no, no, no point in particular… just important information that everyone should know. Especially you.” (Snape points to the audience.)

“No more fourth wall, I see,” Hermione smiled.

“Fourth wall?” Ron asked. Hermione rolled her eyes.

“Have you never taken a class in your life?”

SS: “Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor,”

Gryffindors: (cheering)

SS: “Ravenclaw,”

Ravenclaws: (cheering)

SS: “Hufflepuff,”

CD: “Find!”

SS: “What? And Slytherin.”

Slytherin: (hissing sounds)

Draco buried his head in his hands. “I hate my actress so much.”

SS: “Now, Tradition-... Traditionally, points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule-breaking. Example: ten points from Gryffindor!”

HP: “What?!”

SS: “For Miss Granger’s excessive baby-fat.”

Hermione self-consciously pulled her shirt up higher on her neck.

HP+RW: “Thanks, Hermione!”

SS: “Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new professor of the Dark Arts, Professor Quirrell.”

“Oh boy, how are they gonna do this?” Ron mumbled. Harry sighed. This meant Voldemort was definitely going to be in the show.

(Quirrell enters. He is very clearly two people in a robe, with his turban covering the one in the back’s head.)

The golden trio laughed. “I guess that's one way to make it work,” Ron wheezed.

HP: “Ow! Ow! Ow!”

HG: “Harry, what’s wrong? Do you need help?”

Quirrel: “The House Cup! A time-honored tradition. For centuries-”

DM: “Go home, terrorist!”

“Draco!” Hermione and Harry shouted.

“I don’t even know what that means!” Draco said defensively. Herminoed crossed her arms.

“It’s a very mean thing to say.” She said, not willing to explain further.

QQ: “For centuries, the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House champion. But where does this competition come from? And what are the roots of the tradition?”

HG: “The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.”

QQ: “that was a rhetorical question.”

Hermione looked extremely embarrassed.

“Hey, it’s ok. That was fake you. Real you wouldn’t have made that mistake,” Ron said. Hermoine smiled at him.

AD: “Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.”

Draco scoffed. Dumbledore would never take points from his favorite house.

RW: “Thanks Hermione!”

QQ: “As I was saying, when the tournament first originated, it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks. Challenges! The winner would not only win the cup; but he would also win eternal glory.”

“Or she,” Hermione mumbled. “This is sounding a lot like the Triwizard Tournament. And we all know how that ended,” she said, getting quieter at the end.

HG: “Kind of like a House Cup- or, like a Triwizard Tournament?”

“Spot on!” Harry laughed. Hermione blushed.

“I didn’t realize she was gonna say that as well, ok?”

QQ: “Yes, sort of like the Triwizard Tournament, except, no, not like that at all. There are four houses. How can this be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?”

“The whole school’s thoughts exactly,” Draco said, looking at Harry.

“Nothing about that was my fault,” He protested. Draco scoffed.

HG: “Well, uh, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.”

QQ: “Yes. It is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.”

“Agree to disagree,” Ron mumbled, remembering the countless times his best friend's life was in danger during that tournament.

HG: “I don’t think you heard me. I just said somebody died!”

AD: “Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points.”

“I don’t think anything is wrong with you trying to keep the school safe, Miss Granger,” Dumbledore announced. Hermione smiled sadly.

RW+HP: “Thanks, Hermione!”

AD: “God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you can really be a dumbass sometimes.”

Hermione laughed to cover up the jab to her self-esteem she’d just received. Harry and Ron grimaced at their onscreen counterparts laughing at her.

“You’re not a dumbass,” Ginny assured her. Draco mumbled something, and the Gryfindoors shot him deadly glares.

AD: “Ooh! Ten points to Dumbledore!”

“Can you do that?” Ron asked. Dumbledore shook his head.

QQ: “Yes, yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-”

Turban: (sneezes).

After laughing, Ron considered it. “Yeah, does He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named just like… not sneeze?”

“Doesn’t have a nose,” Harry mumbled. The group snickered.

AD: “Did your turban just sneeze?”

QQ: “Wh-what? No!”

AD: “I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn’t moving.”

QQ: “Oh! That. . . that was simply a fart. Excuse me.”

Turban: (sneezes).

HP: Ow, ow ow!

Turban: (sneezes again).

HP: “Ow, ow, oh geez.”

Harry winced at the sight of his character’s scar hurting.

QQ: “I must be going.”

HP: “Ow, ow!”

Turban: (sneezes again. Jeez. Voldemort needs to get an allergy test.)

QQ: “I simply farted once more! Excuse me!”

“Why am I still eating? Shouldn’t I be waiting until after the speeches?” Ron wondered aloud.

AD: “In accordance with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each house will be selected to compete. So, Snape, would you do us the honors, please?”

“That’s not quite as fair,” Harry said. “Nobody gotta put their names in. It’s dangerous, only people who want to compete should…” He trailed off. “Whatever. It’s fiction, I think we all know who’s gonna be selected.”

“Yeah, Neville!” Ginny said. Everyone laughed at that.

SS: “Yes, Headmaster. First, from Ravenclaw house: Miss Cho Chang.”

CC: “Oh my God, I won. Can you believe that y’all?”

SS: “And next, from Hufflepuff: Mr. Cedric Diggory.

CD: “Well, I don’t FIND this surprising at all!”

CC: “This is perfect! Now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend!”

“But it’s a competition?” Ron said aloud.

CD: “I’m glad as well, my darling.”

SS: “And next, from the Slytherin house: Draco Malfoy.”

DM: “Ha! Ho! I finally beat you, didn’t I, Potter?!”

“The competition hasn’t even-” Draco groaned.

DM: “What do you think of that, huh? I’m the champion this time!”

(Draco lays across Harry’s lap, rolling around. For the remainder of the show, just assume that if Draco is speaking, he’s doing something utterly ridiculous.)

“WHAT IS SHE DOING?” Draco yelled, inching away from the screen. The rest of the room was dying of laughter.

AD: “Draco, would you sit down, you little shit?”

The students glanced at Dumbledore with surprise, but reassured themselves that their Headmaster wouldn’t say that.

AD: “Champion’s just a title!”

SS: “And finally, from the Gryffindor house: Oh my. Well, isn’t the curious. The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.”

“I did not rig the tournament,” Snape confirmed. “That was Barty Crouch, was it not?”

“You’re still a traitor!” Harry shouted. Dumbledore raised his hands for silence.

“It’s quite alright. You two can settle this dispute on your own time. Enjoy the show, please.”

NL: “I-if it’s me, I’ll apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for- for losing.”

SS: “Sit down, you inarticulate bumble!”

The Gryfindors found that a little too accurate to how Snape treated Nevillie.

SS: “It’s Harry Potter.”

RW: “Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!”

“Why am I that excited?! You could die!’

AD: “Well, here they are, folks. The four Hogwarts champions. I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months, and it could be anything. So let’s get to it! Ha, Ha!”

“How much are you willing to bet it’ll be dragons?” Ron asked nobody in particular.

“Of course it’s gonna be dragons. Nobody’s betting against you,” Draco responded.

Several People: “Cho Chang” (x6)

DM: “Malfoy! Malfoy! Mal- Malfoy… Wha-, hey!”

Draco scoffed. He had friends who would cheer for him in real life. This show was just trying to make a fool of him. The screen faded to black.

“That was… interesting,” Snape said. The speaker switched on again.

“Ok, so, sorry to interrupt, but I kinda don’t like the timeline I picked for you guys. Because, like, I didn’t want to grab you as adults, but also I couldn’t snatch you up after going through the most traumatic fight of your lives. But now I have a solution! Hopefully!”

“What is it?” Hermione asked after a few moments.

“I’m gonna give you guys the end of Firebringer treatment.”

“The wha-”