totally awesome

Ginny: “Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madam Malkins!”

Ginny buried her head into her hands at the sight of her portrayal.

RW: “No, no, no, no, no.”

GW: “And use those sickles mom gave you for my robe fittings!”

HP: “Um, who’s this?”

RW: “Oh, this is stupid little dumb sister Ginny. She’s a freshman.”

“I don’t think you’re dumb!” Ron said, blocking her sister from hitting him.

“For- uh- you guys who don’t know, Freshman is a first year in American schools.” Hermione said, scooting away from the fighting siblings.

RW: “Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter. It’s Harry Potter.”

GW: “Oh! You’re Harry Potter! You’re the Boy Who Lived!”

“I wasn’t that weird around you, was I?” She asked.

“From what I remember, you just wouldn’t talk to him,” Ron said. Ginny blushed. This was gonna be very embarrassing for her.

HP: “Yeah, you’re Ginny.”

GW: “It’s Ginnevera.”

“If anybody ever calls me that, it’ll be the last thing you ever do,” Ginny said, glaring around the room. Even Draco didn’t bother testing that theory.

HP: “Cool! Ginny’s fine.”

RW: “Stupid sister!” (Ron claps his hands over Ginny’s head, which I'm assuming is meant to be a slap. Let’s just say the room interprets it that way as well.)

Ginny slapped her brother (though not hard enough to really hurt).

“I kinda deserved that,” Ron said before anybody could turn on her.

RW: “Don’t crowd the famous friend.”

(Cho’s intro music begins playing.)

HG: “Do you guys hear music or something?”

HP: “Music? What are you talking about?”

RW: “Yeah, someone’s coming.”

HP: “Someone’s coming.”

RW: “Woah.”

(Cho Chang’s friend group enters.)

“Is that meant to be Cho?” Harry asked nobody in particular. Ginny groaned. If Cho was in the show, that means Harry was going to be pining for her the whole time.

Cho’s Group: “Cho Chang! Domo arigato! Cho Chang! Gung hei fat choy-Chang! Happy happy new year Cho Chang!”

The boys visibly flinched backwards at the dance moves of the group.

GW: “Oh, who’s that?”

HP: “That’s Cho Chang.”

RW: “That’s the guy Harry’s been totally in love with since freshman year.”

“I don’t- that’s not-” Harry groaned.

HG: “Yeah, but he won’t say anything to her.”

RW: “Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot!”

Draco snorted. “What wise professor gave you that pearl of wisdom?”

(Ginny runs over to Cho.)

RW: “What, what?”

GW: “Konichiwa Cho Chang, it is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasly.”

Ginny groaned. “I don’t talk to her like thatttt.”

Lavender: “Bitch, I ain’t Cho Chang!”

“She’s not?” Harry wondered aloud.

RW: “That’s Lavender Brown! Racist sister!” (He slaps her again).

Cho: “It’s all right. I’m Cho Chang, y’all.”

“Why is she southern?” Ginny asked, laughing. Draco snorted at her accent.

HP: “She is totally perfect.”

RW: “Yeah, too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory though, huh?”

Everybody went silent. Harry dipped his head with respect. The speaker turned on once more.

“Listen, Cedric is gonna be in this a lot, ok? Just appreciate it, no need to get sad.” The room nodded.

HP: “What? Who the hell is Cedric Diggory? What is that? Who is that guy?”

(Cedric pushes the group to the ground).

“That boy does have a bit of a resemblance to Mr. Diggory,” Dumbledore said, smiling.

CD: “Cho Chang! I am so in love with Cho Chang! From Bangkok to Ding Dang! I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!”

HP: “I hate that guy! I hate him!”

“I didn’t hate him. He helped me out a lot,” Harry said, frowning. Hermione mumbled something and patted him on the back.

RW: “So, are we gonna get those robes or not?”

GW: “All right, all right, I’m going!”

RW: “God, sister!”

(The group exits, and Neville enters.)

“Who’s that meant to be?” Draco asked.

(Neville bumps into Crabbe and Goyle.)

NL: “Ahhh!”

Goyle: “Present your arm, nerd!”

NL: “W-w-w-w-what are you-”

Goyle: “Indian Burn Hex!”

NL: “Owww!!”

(The group re-enters.)

RW: “Aww, Crabbe and Goyle!”

“Those are meant to be-?!” Draco burst into laughter. The rest of the room laughed as well.

GW: “Are you ok?”

HP: “Hey, why don’t you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?”

“That’s Neville?” Hermione laughed. He looked nothing like the sweet Gryffindor they knew.

Goyle: “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Harry Potter. You think all because you’re famous you can boss everyone around!”

HP: “No, I just don’t think it’s cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville! C’mon!”

Goyle: “Oh, you know what I think? I think glasses are for nerds! Break!”

“He acts like Goyle…” Harry mumbled.

Goyle: “We hate nerds!”

Crabbe: “And girls!”

“But- Crabbe is played by a girl!” Draco said, astonished.

“That’s the joke, Malfoy,” Ron said.

“I don’t think male characters should be played by girls. It’s ridiculous.” He crossed his arms.

RW: (scared) “Well you asked for it! You don’t mess with Harry Potter! He beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby!”

“I’m hiding behind Hermione…” he mumbled, ashamed of his onscreen self.

HG: “All right everyone, just calm down. Oculus Repairo!”

HP: “Woah, cool!”

Harry smiled, fondly remembering the first time he’d met Hermione on the train.

HG: “Now let’s leave these big, baby, childish dorks alone.”

Draco: “Did someone say Draco Malfoy?”

Draco practically screeched. “I’m played by a girl! A girl! In a wig!” The rest of the room (minus Snape), erupted in a cacophony of giggles.

“She honestly kind of looks like you,” Ron wheezed. Draco crossed his arms, face flushing with embarrassment.

“Please don’t play me weirdly,” he mumbled to himself.

HP: “What do you want, Draco?”

DM: “Crabbe, Goyle, go be a pair of total duds and pay for my robes, will you?”

(Goyle grunts, and the two leave.)

DM: “So Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you’ll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard.”

Draco looked enraged at the turn and flick of robes that his actress did.

HP: “Hey, listen Malfoy. Ron and Hermoine are my best friends in the whole world.”

Harry put his arms around his friends at the same time as his actor.

HP: “I wouldn’t trade them for anything.”

Ron pushed his sister away (lightheartedly), same as the show. They all laughed together.

DM: “Have it your way. Wait, don’t tell me: red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion. You must be a weasley!”

Ron grimaced. Draco had definitely said that before, word for word.

RW: “Oh my god, lay off, Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay? But she’s my pain in the ass.”

“So are you, Ron,” Ginny said smiling.

DM: “Well isn’t this cute. It’s like a whole loser family. Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!”

Draco buried his head in his hands as the room, mostly the golden trio, laughed.

“Is that even a real school?” He asked.

“Not to my knowledge, no.” Dumbledore answered, smiling. Even Snape seemed to be enjoying the comedy.

DM: “This year you bet, gonna get out of here!”

“She’s singing…” Draco groaned.

DM: “The reign of Malfoy is drawing near. I’ll have the greatest wizard career, it’s gonna be totally awesome! Look out world, for the dawn of the day, when everyone will do whatever I say! And Potter won’t be in my way, I'll be the one who is totally awesome!

Goyle: “Yeah you’ll be the one who is totally awesome!”

The group whispered to each other about the actor’s deep voice.

HG: “Guys, come one, we’re gonna miss the train!”

(All the students line up onstage.)

All: “Who knows how fast this year’s gonna go? Hand me a glass let the butterbeer flow!”

“We look ridiculous,” Harry said, chuckling.

HP: “Maybe at last I'll talk to Cho!”

RW: “Oh no that’d be way too awesome!”

All: “We’re back to learn everything that we can! It’s great to come back to where we began, and here we are, and alakazam!”

“Is that a real spell?” Ginny asked.

“No, it’s a thing Muggles say when they’re pretending to do magic, I think,” Harry answered.

All: “Here we go, this is totally awesome! Come on and teach us everything you know! The summer’s over and we’re itching to go!”

NL: “I think we’re ready for; Albus Dumbledore!”

The group leaned forward in anticipation of how their Headmaster would look.

Dumbledore: “Wecloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome-”

Everyone laughed at the man wearing a cheap beard, tossing out flowers.

“Well, I suppose it’s nice that I have a good voice,” Dumbledore chuckled.

AD: “- all of you to Hogwarts! I welcome all of you to school! Did you know that here at Hogwarts, we’ve got a hidden swimming pool?”

“We do not, Mister Weasley,” Snape answered before the boy could ask.

AD: “Welcome welcome welcome Hogwarts, welcome hotties nerds and tools!”

The room was taken aback by his wildly different portrayal on stage, but quickly found the joke funny and laughed.

AD: “Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts, I'd like to go over just a couple of rules. My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me… Dumbledore. I suppose you could also call me Albus, if you wanted detention. I’m just kidding. I'll expel you if you call me Ablus.”

“I would not actually expel a student for that,” the Headmaster clarified. Former headmaster. Harry kept forgetting that he was… dead.

(Dumbledore exits.)

All: “Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It’s all that I love and it’s all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends! To Gryffindor!”

The Gryffindor students cheered.

All: “Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw! Slytherin!”

Draco cheered for his group, smiling when he realized they were the loudest.

All: “Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!”

Dumbledore: “I’m sorry what’s it’s name?”

All: “Hogwarts! Hogwarts!”

Dumbledore: “I didn’t hear you kids!”

All: “Hogwarts! Hogwarts!”

Harry: “Man, I'm glad I'm back!”

Ron and Harry clapped their hands, smiling.

“That first song was… long.” Snape said. “I hope the rest are shorter.”

“Oh, cheer up, Snape,” Dumbledore said. “We’re stuck here, might as well enjoy it.”