Remus Lupin was about to throttle his friends.
Somehow, against all odds, the four seventeen-year-olds had managed to sneak out of Hogwarts and end up in America. No one, least of all Remus, understood how they'd managed to pull this off without dying or being caught. All that mattered now was that they were in some grimy alleyway that practically screamed murder scene, hiding from Muggles who might catch them using magic—or James’s invisibility cloak.
"Pads, put that down—no, not on that!" Remus snapped, rubbing his temples. "Merlin save me."
“Guys,” Peter suddenly whisper-hissed, pointing toward the street, “I think that’s… Ian Musk?”
“What?” Sirius squinted.
“Or Elon? Something like that. My cousins told me about him. Apparently, he’s some billionaire douchebag who makes flamethrowers and stuff.”
"Ugh, fuck billionaires," Sirius groaned dramatically.
"Not to burst your bubble," Remus muttered, "but your whole family are billionaires."
"Yeah, and they suck," Sirius shot back.
“Anyway,” James cut in, “he’s a git, right?”
"Yeah!" Peter said eagerly. "He’s always talking about leaving Earth for Mars and exploiting workers or something. And he named his kid something weird, like… math homework?"
“Sounds awful,” James grinned, the familiar spark of mischief lighting his eyes. “Lads, I think it’s time for some payback.”
“Oh, hell yes,” Sirius said, his face splitting into a grin. “Suck it, Liam Musk!”
“Uh, it’s Ian,” Peter corrected.
“Whatever.”
“Remus, you in?” James asked.
Remus sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, fine. Whatever stops you three from committing actual crimes."
The boys whooped and huddled together, plotting their next move.
"We should jinx him!"
"Nah he's a muggle, we can't use magic."
"I wouldn't be too sure about that- look at the shape of him. That's no human shape. He's gotta be some sort of goblin or maybe a mix?"
"Still, i wouldn't risk it."
"Ugh fine. What do we have on us?" The boys quickly emptied their pockets to take stock of their supplies. Between the four of them, they had: two pieces of gum, a lighter, a pack of cigarettes, a pen, their wands, a chocolate frog, and a suspiciously crumpled letter James refused to share.
“Well, that’s pathetic,” James grumbled. “What’re we supposed to do, offer him gum?”
“I vote we light him on fire,” Sirius added with a grin.
“Absolutely not,” Remus said, horrified.
“ROCKS!" Peter said suddenly, pointing at the ground.
“What about rocks?” Sirius asked.
“We throw them at him,” Peter explained. “While hiding under James’s cloak. He’ll never see us, and he’ll think he’s losing his mind!”
James’s face lit up. “Pete, you absolute genius! Grab some rocks, lads!”
They scrambled to collect an assortment of pebbles and stones, then huddled together under the now-cramped invisibility cloak. Quietly, they followed Elon Musk down the nearly empty street.
Peter handed James a rock. “Prongs, you can do the honors.”
“With pleasure,” James whispered, winding up and expertly hurling the rock. It hit Musk square on the back of the head.
Musk stopped, rubbing his head and spinning around. “What the…” he muttered, squinting into the empty street.
The boys muffled their laughter as he shrugged, muttered something about “the aliens,” and kept walking.
“Nice shot!” Sirius whispered.
“Thanks, Pads. Your turn.”
They took turns pelting Musk, snickering as he flinched, stumbled, and spun around each time. At one point, Musk tried walking backward to catch his invisible attackers, only to smack straight into a lamppost.
“That’s almost too easy,” Sirius whispered, shaking with silent laughter.
But then—
THWACK.
A particularly large rock smacked Musk on the back of the head with an audible crack. The billionaire crumpled to the pavement.
“Oh… oh no,” Remus muttered, staring at the unmoving figure.
“Bloody hell,” James breathed. “Padfoot, you killed him.”
“Hey! It was Pete, not me,” Sirius hissed. “Plus, he's breathing. I think. Probably.”
"What?! It wasn't me! I swear guys. I’m pretty sure it was Padfoot-"
“No it wasnt! It was totally yo-”
"Shut up!" Remus hissed, crouching over the unconscious billionaire. "Merlin's beard, this is bad. We're in America! Do you know what they'll do to us if we get caught?"
"Uh... put us in Azkaban?" Peter asked nervously.
"Worse!" Remus snapped. "We can't stay here-"
"Wait," Sirius interrupted. "Before we panic, he's not dead, yeah? Just… stunned a bit."
"Stunned?!" Remus gestured at Elon Musk's limp form. "You hit him so hard he might have a concussion!"
Peter leaned closer. "He's muttering something."
They all crouched as Musk groaned, "…Mars… Dogecoin… flamethrowers…"
"See?" James grinned. "Bloke’s fine. No harm done."
"Except for the assault part," Remus said dryly.
James pulled a scrap of parchment from his pocket. Before anyone could stop him, he scribbled a note and stuck it to Musk’s chest with a chocolate frog wrapper. It read: Courtesy of the Marauders. Don’t mess with the little guy.
Sirius howled with laughter. "Brilliant!"
Remus groaned, dragging them under the invisibility cloak. "Come on. Let’s go before someone sees us."
As they hurried off, they heard Musk groan and sit up, muttering, "Bloody aliens… I’ll tweet about this later."
James smirked. "The day Elon Musk got taken down by Hogwarts' finest. Beautiful."
Remus sighed but couldn’t help smiling. "You’re all ridiculous."
"And you love it," Sirius said.
"Unfortunately," Remus muttered as they vanished into the night.