Forevermore

It was a matter of habit that Hermione was in the library on Sunday morning. In many ways it had always been her safe space. She tucked herself into her favourite table by the corner, with all her text books spread across the table. Her mind however, was far far away.

The party had gone on till late in the night. Everyone had been pleasantly buzzed and, having played the games, were considerably more relaxed around each other. Hermione had come out of the cupboard and drunk a few shots in rapid succession, trying to break the irresistible urge to move closer to Malfoy, to feel his breath on her skin, maybe taste – NO. She had shut down that track of thought immediately. Once the shots had taken effect, and her brain was happy and fuzzy, she had stayed close to Neville and then Theo, them being the only two people she had felt safe enough to talk to and be around. Harry and Ginny had disappeared, and it wasn’t hard to guess what they were up to. Ron had started being super handsy after drinking quite a bit himself, and she had felt it more prudent to stay away from him lest she cause a scene. Neville had talked with Hermione for the longest time, telling her all about his summer. Then Theo had come over and asked Hermione if she wanted to dance with him. She had loved dancing with Theo. He was fun and a great dancer, and hadn’t made her feel at all conscious of herself. She had caught herself smiling and laughing freely multiple times, something she hadn’t done in a while. They had twirled together, Theo telling her absolutely ostentatious stories about his escapades in Hogwarts.

Then, she had made the mistake of looking over to Malfoy. He had been looking at the pair of them, wearing a look of pure loathing on his face. Hermione had turned red with embarrassment and left the party shorty after. Now, she sat in the library trying to make sense of the events of last night. Of all the things Malfoy had said. And of the ways she had felt around him. It was such a massive contradiction, who he had been when it was just them, and the way he had looked at her when she was with Theo.

She was rescued from her thoughts by Harry’s voice.

 “Hermione Granger in the library on a Sunday,” he said fondly coming over to her table. “All must be right with the world then.”

“Ha-ha Harry. I’m glad that you’re here actually. We haven’t had any time to ourselves since we’ve been back. Fancy a stroll in the grounds?”

“That is why I am here actually, to snatch you away. We are going to Hogsmeade, that is - you, Ginny, Ron and I.”

“Oh,” she said her face falling a little. Harry immediately caught on.

“Is everything alright with Ron and you?”, he asked shrewdly.

“What did my ass of a brother do?” said Ginny as she appeared, sliding into the seat vacant next to Harry.

“Sorry, I involuntarily overheard. So, what has he done now?”

This was not a conversation Hermione particularly wanted to have.

“It wasn’t anything he did. It was just um – bad timing, I suppose,” said Hermione cautiously.

“SPILL”

“Well, I- um, I mean – we…” stuttered Hermione.  

“Nothing happened. I mean, that’s the problem – that nothing happened. You know we were taking our time to find our footing during the summer, and we hadn’t really figured out our relationship. Even when we did spend some time together, it was like we were back in that phase where we didn’t know how to be around each other, and there was just so much we were processing with my parents and Fred’s passing.” She stopped for a breath, having said all this speedily.

“One night, when the two of you were out on a date and Ron and I were spending time together, one thing led to another and he – we were kissing – and um he wanted more. And I was going along with it, but – um – it didn’t  feel right. I mean I did want to – before - but I just wasn’t in the right headspace that day. So, I said that we should stop, and that I didn’t want to – um – you know, go further – just then. But you know how Ron gets. He took it personally and got hurt, and then got awkward. I tried to talk to him about it later, but he just kept avoiding me, and found excuses to not be alone in the same room as me. As of now, I have no idea where we stand. And since we’ve been back, with everything else going on, the space between us has just grown.”

She let a long sigh out. It felt good having shared her predicament, even if it was a bit embarrassing.

Ginny looked stunned, like she didn’t know what to say.

Harry looked a little weary from having to once again mediate as the voice of reason between his two best friends.

“It looks like you guys need to talk Hermione, even if he is being an ass. You both need to figure out where you stand. Otherwise one of you will get hurt.”

“To friendships”, toasted Ron as they sat in the three broomsticks. They were at a table in the back so as to not attract too much attention, as people tended to fawn over the three of them, especially Harry.

“And to having a normal year”, said Harry raising his glass.

“What normal is that? We are bunking with Slytherins for merlin sake,” snorted Ron.

“Ron you really need to get over it,” scolded Ginny.

“Get over it? Are you listening to yourself right now Gin? They were all with the death eaters; one of them was a death eater! After everything we’ve been through, after everyone we lost, how can you talk about moving on?”

“Ron, mate. They were just kids; they are just kids. Most of us are barely eighteen,” said Harry rationally.

“Yeah, but we managed to choose the right side. Why are we suddenly letting them off the hook? They were in full support of a dark wizard! He would’ve killed us all; he did kill you.”

Hermione was quiet during the entire conversation. She didn’t agree with what Ron was saying, but she also knew him well. Ron was the most emotional of them all. It is what made him so loyal as a friend, but it was also what made him the most prejudiced. He didn’t see the irony in it.

“Hermione you’re friends with Theo now, tell Ron if he’s a big bad villain,” said Ginny.

Hermione groaned inwardly.

“Do – not – start,” gritted Ron through his teeth, turning towards her.

“I cautioned you to not be friends with him, and then yesterday you were actually dancing with him!”

“Ron he and I are just getting to know each other. He is not a bad person. Dancing with him was just fun, like dancing with Harry or – you.”

Ron turned a deep shade of red at her words.

“You know what, I’m going to go get myself some liquorice wands from Honeydukes. You carry on with you little ‘unity’ manifesto. I’ll see you back at school.”

There was a time when Hermione would have got up and gone after him, would have apologised, would have felt hurt that he was fighting with her about boys after all these years. Now, she was too tired, too depleted, too muddled maybe, to care. Something had broken between them, something she couldn’t fix with sheer will.

They left the pub a little sombre.

“I need to pop-in and get a few quills and few other bits and bobs,” said Ginny.

“Why don’t you both go ahead. I think I’m just going to walk back,” said Hermione glumly.

“Look it will just take me a few minutes, then we can all go back together.”

“No really Gin. I need to clear my head a little. I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

She had just started her walk back when she saw Theo sprinting towards her.

“Hi Hermione! Why are you all alone on this glorious day?” he enquired.

“Hey, I just left Harry and Ginny. Fancied I would take a nice solitary stroll.”

“In that case, may I walk beside you? We can both be lost in our own solitary thoughts. You won’t even know I’m there.”

“Sure, Theo”, she smiled.

A minute passed before Theo could resist the urge to speak again.

“You know, I had a really lovely time last night.”

Assuming he was talking about the party, she replied “Yeah. Me too. You are a brilliant dancer by the way.”

But she saw that she had misinterpreted his words, because Theo turned a light shade of pink and replied awkwardly, “Yes. No. I mean, dancing with you was a delight. But maybe I should’ve been clearer. I meant I had a really great time last night – after the party.”

“Oh” said Hermione realising her faux pas.

But before she could feel further mortified, he linked his arms with her and continued talking with ease, “yes, you see after you left and I finally had eyes for anyone else, I happened to talk to Susan. And you know how irresistible I can be. So one thing led to another, and we had a positively explosive night.”

Hermione laughed a loud laughed, garnering her a few stares from the people around them.

“Sorry. Sorry.” she chuckled, because Theo had made the most adorable mock-hurt face.

“I didn’t realise,” she said catching her breath, “that we had progressed to that stage in our friendship where we talk about our ‘explosive’ exploits.”

And she proceeded to break into a fit of laughter again.

“Explosive. Fiery. Incendiary. Impassioned. Eruptive,” hammered away Theo.

She looked at him fondly and said “I wish we’d known each other sooner Theo.”

“I’m actually glad we know each other now,” he said moving closer to her and wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

She realised they had stopped outside Honeydukes, right as Ron came out and bumped into them, while they were wrapped in embrace.

“I don’t believe this!” shouted Ron.

“Ron, don’t. It isn’t – “

But before Hermione could get more out, she was cut off by Theo.

“Hey, Weasley. I know you guys have been friends for way too long for me to butt in. But I do request that whatever this is, you guys take it somewhere more private.”

Hermione couldn’t put this off anymore. Harry and Ginny had been right. She and Ron needed to have this out. No more evading.

She turned around and mouthed ‘sorry’ to Theo, then took Ron’s arm and apparated to the only place she could think of which felt even remotely like home.

They popped into Grimmauld Place clumsily. The flat had been uninhabited for the most part, but Harry had cleaned it up and the living area was unrecognisable now, with a warm rug and comfortable chairs and couches.

“Ron, what has gotten into you!” exploded Hermione.

“Into me? What has gotten into you?!” he said heatedly.

“Is this about us Ron? About me saying ‘no’ that day?”

“Of course it’s about us Hermione, if there even is an us. You haven’t spent a minute alone with me since that day. And since we have returned to Hogwarts you’ve just been buried in your books. And then everywhere I turn you’re just hanging out with Theo, even after I expressly told you not to!”

“Ron, this is getting out of hand.  Just sit down for a second and listen to me, really listen to me. Theo and I are just friends.  Yes, I’ve known him for only a week, but I instantly connected with him. There is something about him that makes me feel comfortable in my skin. I don’t feel like I need to be anything but who I am naturally, when I am around him. That being said, I want to reiterate that there is nothing romantic between me and Theo. Just minutes before he was telling me how he had the most amazing time yesterday night – with Susan.”

“Susan – Bones?” he said blankly

“Yes. That very one. Now let me be very clear Ron. It doesn’t matter if he and Susan are together or not; you do not get to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with.  What happened between us the other day only shows how bad we are at really communicating with each other.  You are absolutely right, I did avoid you, but so did you. There were so many times when I came to talk to you, and you literally ran away. If I’m being perfectly honest, that day, I only meant to say that I wasn’t ready for us to go further in our relationship. We were being so awkward around each other. And all I could think of while we were kissing is that if we didn’t stop, it would only get more awkward. There is so much we have been through Ron and I know what an amazing person you are and how big your heart is, but I just feel like I’ve always got the short end of the stick when it comes to you. You keep playing me hot and cold. Even now, you’re the one who is jealous of Theo, but somehow, it’s my fault. And if I really dug in deep, the rest I could probably live with, could defend; but when you left me last year, knowing exactly what was at stake, it broke something inside me. I love you Ron, you are so monumental in my life, but I don’t think I can trust you with my heart again.”

She broke down, sobbing and sinking into the couch.

He came and sat down beside her.

“I’m sorry Hermione,” he whispered, taking her hands in his.

“You have always meant so much to me. You always will. I don’t know if I will ever be the guy you deserve, but I don’t want to lose what we have, whatever we decide to label it. Let’s just take some time and get our bearings, alright?”

“Ron I’m not asking you to wait for me, and I don’t want to spend this year constantly wondering where we stand.”

“You can do whatever you feel is right. If being friends is what you need, then that’s what we will be. All I’m saying is, that I’m not giving up on us just yet.”