Chapter 13
Luna watched Harry leave hand in hand with Ginny and couldn’t help the ache she felt in her heart. She knew why she felt that way and had rationalized it a million times since she had slept with Harry: he only cared for her as a friend, just as he had made clear before they slept together. But that didn’t stop her heart from hurting. This situation left her feeling so vulnerable. Harry was so kind and attentive to her. They got along well and seemed to share a rare connection, but at the end of the day, he had chosen someone else.
Why would he choose her, after all? Ginny was beautiful, played Quidditch, was popular, and a Weasley. While she was just Loony, now filled with trauma and completely broken.
“Luna? Are you listening? Are you okay?” Hermione’s worried voice brought her back to reality.
“Sorry, I got lost in thought.” Luna knew very well how to wear her dreamy mask to keep others from seeing her true feelings.
“I was saying I’ll send you the schedules by owl tomorrow. You can owl me if you need any changes,” Hermione said with enthusiasm.
“Thank you! I’m sure it will be perfect,” Luna replied softly. She and Hermione had had many differences in the past, but the war had changed that. It wasn’t worth holding on to small things anymore.
The three of them shifted the conversation to what they thought Hogwarts would be like and how it would feel to return to classes after the war. Luna half-listened, her mind drifting back to what had happened that morning. She hadn’t thought ahead about what bathing would entail, but when she realized she’d need Harry’s help with it, her heart had skipped several beats. She knew she wouldn’t feel fear being touched or seen by him—not after what they’d done—but she also knew it would be a very intimate situation. Harry, as always, had been a gentleman and did what he thought was right, but Luna had seen the discomfort in his eyes. She felt embarrassed to need his help for something so personal. He had a girlfriend, and obviously, Luna was just a pregnant friend.
Luna snapped out of her daydream when Harry and Ginny returned. Ginny was openly smiling, and Harry’s hair was messier than ever. Luna hated how that made her feel. Everything had been easier when she was only thinking about magical creatures, but she’d lost that when her father left her behind. The thought filled her with anger, which mingled with jealousy. Luna remembered her mother saying that anger only made people do things they’d never do when calm. So, she swallowed the pain of jealousy, the pain of torture at Malfoy Manor, the pain of physical abuse, the pain of being abandoned by her only family. She swallowed everything swirling in her mind, even as she vaguely sensed she was close to choking on it all. Then she put on her dreamy mask and the vacant smile that distanced her from the world and made people call her crazy. She tried to box it all away and remain the unshakable Luna everyone thought could never break—though she was already broken.
“Sorry, but I’m feeling a little tired. I think I’ll go to bed.” She kept her mask on and added, “I think the nargles are scrambling my brain.” This was the point when people would humor her, laugh just enough for her to quiet down, and let her leave because it was easier than dealing with her ideas.
Immediately, Harry let go of Ginny’s hand and started walking toward her.
“I’ll take you. Sorry! You’ve been in that chair for so long; I should have noticed,” Harry said, ever considerate and quick to blame himself. But Luna couldn’t bear the thought of being touched by him in that moment. He probably smelled like Ginny, and that thought made her shudder.
“Thank you, Harry, but I think Nev can take me. Right, Neville?” She turned to her friend, silently pleading for him to agree.
Neville looked at her for a second. “Yes, of course!”
Harry stopped abruptly, already close to her chair, and looked as though he’d been slapped. Luna tried not to shrink under the expression on his face. His eyes told her he had noticed the rejection. Even if it was silly, and they were all friends, Luna told herself. Now he could stay with Ginny and his friends, without her sickly presence hovering nearby. A lump formed in her throat, but she simply smiled dreamily as Neville picked her up.
As they ascended the stairs, Neville asked, “Should I ask what happened out there?”
“Oh, I don’t know what you mean,” Luna said dreamily, with all the innocence she once had.
Neville laid her on the bed and waited for her to get comfortable. Then he offered his kind, sincere smile.
“Luna, you know you can tell me anything, right?” His voice was gentle.
“I know, Nev. Thank you for that.” She squeezed his hand. But she couldn’t say anything about Harry—nothing good would come of it. She was just his pregnant friend, and that had to be enough for her.
“Still, you’re not going to tell me why you didn’t let Harry help you?” He raised an eyebrow.
“I just wanted him to have more time with Ginny and his best friends.” It wasn’t a lie—not entirely.
“I see.” But he seemed to know there was more and didn’t press.
“I wanted to thank you. I started mental healing sessions at the end of last month. It’s been a good start. I thought of sending an owl to ask if she could come here for the sessions while I’m on bed rest.” Luna shifted the topic, but she genuinely wanted to say that.
“That’s great to hear! I’m sure she won’t mind.” His smile was wide and genuine, and Luna returned it. She didn’t have many friends, but she knew Neville was a very precious one.
“I hope so. But tell me, how are you feeling about returning to Hogwarts?” She and Neville had endured dark times the last time they were at school.
“Honestly, I’m a little nervous. But I’m also excited. Hannah’s coming back too.” He smiled shyly. Neville had always been bashful, and even though he had become a war hero, some things hadn’t changed.
“That’s wonderful! Hogwarts isn’t under the Carrows’ control anymore. Everything will be different, and I’m sure with Hannah there, you’ll adjust quickly.”
“I hope so, but I’ll come visit you during the holidays.”
“Please do. And write me letters!”
“I will.”
They talked about lighthearted things for a while longer, and Luna almost forgot the turbulent feelings she’d been experiencing earlier. Friendship could heal even the deepest wounds, and she was grateful to experience that.
The conversation ended when Neville noticed she was starting to drift off. He kissed her forehead, said goodbye, and left.
“Thank you, Harry, but I think Nev can take me. Right?”
Harry stepped back as though he’d been slapped. He hadn’t expected Luna to reject him so openly. And she didn’t even look at him as she said it. She was there, her big eyes fixed on Neville.
Harry knew it wasn’t a rejection; she had every right to choose who would help her. But it felt like one. That was his responsibility.
He was worried and wanted to take care of her, but she seemed to be using the opportunity to climb into someone else’s arms. Harry clenched his fists as he watched Neville pick her up, giving her a gentle smile. She didn’t even spare a final glance for those left behind.
Harry didn’t know why it upset him so much, but it did.
She was his Luna and they were his babies. It was his duty to care for them. Well, she wasn’t his Luna, but she was the mother of his children, and that was something.
“Come on, Harry, sit here with me, so we have more time to talk.” Harry barely heard Ginny’s voice but followed her to the chair beside her, not really paying attention.
While Ginny spoke, Harry tried not to look at the door leading outside. Where was Neville? If she was tired, he should have just left her there and come down.
“Harry? Are you listening?” Ginny was staring at him.
“Sorry, could you repeat that?” He tried to focus on her.
“Are you going to visit me on the weekends in Hogsmeade?” She seemed hopeful. Harry didn’t want to remind her that he couldn’t leave Luna alone for an entire day, so he simply confirmed.
“Yes, of course.” He would explain later why he wouldn’t.
He glanced at the door again. Neville was still upstairs.
“Do you think I should go up to check if everything’s okay?” He interrupted whatever Ginny was saying.
“No, Neville’s up there. He can take care of her.” Her smile was suggestive, and it only made the knot in Harry’s stomach tighten.
What if they had something more than friendship?
That thought made his stomach churn. But, of course, he was only worried about his kids. Luna could do whatever she wanted, but he had to protect his children from harm—though Neville wasn’t dangerous, it still worried him. Harry was already confused and frustrated. All these emotions were clouding his mind.
Luna was his friend, nothing more. Why was he jealous of her? It was awful to think of her as his just because she was pregnant.
When Neville finally came down, after what felt like hours, Harry stood up, interrupting whatever Ginny was saying, not that he had been listening.
“Is everything okay with Luna? You took a long time up there!” Harry wished he hadn’t sounded so accusatory, but now there was no going back.
“She’s fine, she’s sleeping now.” Neville looked at Harry, who stared back (Stop! Harry told himself, but didn’t break the firm gaze). “We were just talking,” he added late, continuing to observe Harry strangely.
“Oh… I was just worried.” Harry sat back down, unsure if he felt relieved or not, and pretended not to notice Ginny’s furrowed brows or Hermione’s suspicious look.
It wasn’t long before everyone left, despite Ginny trying to stay a little longer, needing Harry to explain that he had to prepare dinner and adjust some things. Harry just wanted the day to end.