Starlight

I miss you more than anything

I don’t need the world to see

That I’ve been the best I can be

But I don’t think I could stand to be

Where you don’t see me

Francis Forever - Mitski

Regulus sits on his bed, staring down at the paper in his hands. It’s a copy, a bad one, with fuzzy edges, but the words are still clear. They still cut through him like he’s glass. 

James is on his way, Regulus knows. He was going to wait, but he couldn’t. He had to know. Effie had been nice. Regulus had no idea why she was asking him all these questions but he answered anyway, and in the end she gave him a chocolate lolly. 

She had asked to talk to Annie then, and Regulus waited in a small room, a little brown haired boy next to him who had snot on his forehead and kept poking Regulus’ shoe. 

He’s never even heard of it before. Autism. ‘A neurodevelopmental condition of variable severity with lifelong effects that can be recognised from early childhood, chiefly characterised by difficulties with social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behaviour.’

He has the urge to run and shove this paper in Sirius’ face. Maybe he’d scream. Maybe he’d just cry. Maybe Sirius would cry. 

How does that feel, huh? 

I told you I wasn’t faking it. I told you. 

It wasn’t my fault. 

Annie knew, Regulus realises. Or at least she suspected it. That first day of school, when he had that meltdown, she said they should see a doctor. She doesn’t touch him unless she’s sure it’s okay. She never turns on the big lights. Her clothes are always soft. She doesn’t mind if he’s quiet. If he’s too blunt when talking. If he’s rude. 

She knew the whole fucking time. 

James has to place a hand on his shoulder for Regulus to realise he’s there. 

“Reg?” 

Regulus can’t bring himself to say anything, so he hands the paper to James and looks out his window at the dying oak tree that sits behind the house. It was struck by lightning a few years ago, Annie told him, and now the black wood is rotting, life slowly seeping out of it. 

“Reg?” James says again, a sound to his voice Regulus has never heard. “You know this-” he waves the paper around “-doesn’t change anything, right? You’re still you.”

The intensity of James’ stare is a little overwhelming and Regulus looks away, ducking his head. 

“It does change it a little,” Regulus whispers and when James opens his mouth he keeps talking. “I just mean- it explains a lot”

James sighs and pulls Regulus into his side, kissing his hair. “Has it happened a lot? Over stimulation?”

“...yeah. My parents were very loud.”

James lets out a pained noise and Regulus closes his eyes. “Annie says I might get a service dog”

“Is that good?”

“I don’t like dogs”

“You don’t like anything”

“I like cats and you”

He feels James’ chest spasm slightly, and he smiles a little. “Well-” James coughs, “-I don’t think they have service cats.” 

“Do you think the dog will shit on me?”

“Wha- Reg, it’s not a puppy you found in a bin, it’s a trained service dog. It’s not going to shit on you, I promise”

“How would a dog even help?”

“It’ll know when you’re getting stressed and help you out. Comfort you and stuff.”

“But I have you for that”

James laughs, “Reg, I don’t compare to a service dog. I can’t always tell if you’re okay. I’ve only ever seen you not okay like twice.  And the dog can probably tell before even you can.”

“Sure.”

“Do you know what I would give to be able to have a dog I can take to fucking school? You do realise that’s like everyone’s fucking dream, right?”

“Sure.”

James laughs again. “You little hermit.” 

Regulus turns his head to him, startling when he feels James’ breath on his face.
Regulus doesn’t mind James, or Annie touching him anymore, he’d even go as far as saying he likes it, but he couldn’t even deal with Sirius touching his face. It’s just like- his face is not something he likes to be covered, unless maybe if he’s burying it in his pillow or something.  He remembers when he was little there was a small fair at his school and Sirius wanted to go get their faces painted. It was fine for a few seconds but the feeling of the sticky paint and the lady’s hands and the make-up sponge just freaked him out and he wouldn’t stop crying until Sirius got it all off. Sometimes his mother would grad his chin while she yelled at him and every single time Regulus would feel off for days. 

His face is just something that cannot be touched by other people. 

So when James reaches out and cups his cheek, Regulus flinches back. James pauses, surprised, before guilt covers his features. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just- not my face.”

James nods, smiling softly. “Got it.”

He wraps his arm around Regulus’ waist instead, pulling him in and Regulus gladly cuddles closer. 

***

The dog’s name is Bootes. 

Regulus thought service dogs had to be breeds like golden retrievers or labradors, but Bootes is some kind of border collie mixed with australian shepherd and at least 10 other things. His fur is patchy, light brown with white flecks and floppy ears. Like James said, he’s clearly trained. He sits patiently next to Regulus, staring up at him, not moving at all apart from the soft panting. He’s not too big, which is a relief for Regulus because big dogs are a little scary. He knows they probably won’t do anything but the fact that they could is scary enough. 

Bootes and Regulus have known each other for four hours now and Regulus has to admit, he’s not that bad. 

Regulus reaches out and carefully pets his head, and Bootes huffs softly, but he stays still. 

“Regulus? Are you hungry?” Annie yells from the kitchen. Regulus stands up and Bootes immediately does as well, walking beside Regulus as he makes his way to the kitchen. 

Annie smiles at them, “Getting along?”

“Hmm.”

Regulus takes a seat and Bootes settles next to him, paw touching his foot. 

“He’s very cute.”

“I guess.”

“Are you excited to show him off tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have to tell people not to pet him. And I don’t feel like having to hold off a crowd of bloodthirsty 13-year-old girls who won’t stop cooing at him.” 

Annie snorts into her glass. “Ugh, I should have recorded that, that was brilliant.”

She ruffles his hair gently and side steps Bootes, who doesn’t even look at her, his gaze focused on Regulus. 

Regulus feels a bit bad. Aren’t dogs supposed to like being pet and stuff? How’s it fair that Bootes never gets to be pet by anyone except Regulus?

He reaches out and runs his fingers through Bootes’ fur. His ears twitch and Regulus smiles. Bootes has a funny face, he decides. He constantly looks like he’s confused. 

Regulus has the sudden urge to ask Bootes if he liked that and shakes his head. He refuses to be one of those people who talks to their dog. 

“Aww, you like that, don’t you?” 

Regulus is sitting on his bed, his dignity thrown out the window as he runs his hands through Bootes’ fur, who’s lying on his lap. Despite his tail wagging gently, he’s still very clearly paying attention to Regulus, gaze fixed on him. 

He has his own doggy-bed that’s sitting next to Regulus’, but Regulus, unable to resist, gestured for him to come onto his bed, with the intention that he’s going to use his new furry friend as a pillow. 

Bootes doesn’t seem to mind whatsoever and he curls up with Regulus, biting down on the blanket and pulling it over them. 

In the morning, Regulus wakes up to a wet snout against his cheek and he rolls over, half, stuffing his face in Bootes’ fur. The alarm on his phone goes off and Bootes jumps up, trotting to Regulus’ desk and grabbing his phone before bringing it back. Regulus turns the alarm off and gets up, scratching Bootes behind the ears. 

Okay, so maybe he actually loves this, but he’s still a cat person, okay? Thank you very much. 

Bootes has a little vest, the words, ‘Service Dog, please don’t pet me’ printed on it on both sides. It’s a nice light green, and has little dark green paw prints running along the side. He has a plain black long lead and another that’s more like a handle, barely thirty centimetres long. Annie puts all of Bootes' things, a portable water bowl, treats, a little fold up mat, bags for his shit, and little doggy shoes in Regulus’ bag, and tells him to tell her if anyone says anything and the not so polite things she’ll do to them.  

And then he leaves. 

He’s using the short leash, Bootes’ fur brushing against his leg occasionally. He finds it much better to walk along a busy street with Bootes, mostly because people don’t get so close now that he’s in the way. 

James is already waiting where they usually meet, grinning widely. 

“Ughhh, he’s so cute, Reg. I’m not allowed to pet him, am I?”

“I don’t think so.”

James sighs. “Will you pet him for me?”

Regulus smiles softly and pats Bootes’ head. James’ grin widens. He holds out his hand and Regulus takes it, now sandwiched between James and Bootes. 

“So he’s trained for helping with Autism, right?”

“Mhm. Still not sure what exactly he’s going to do about it, though”

“You have so much faith in him,” James gently pets Bootes head once, who’s still walking along beside Regulus, staring up at him. He completely ignores James except for slightly turning his head. It’s a funny sight, and Regulus smiles, petting Bootes properly. 

“He was a very good pillow last night.” 

James giggles, “Reg, that is not what he’s here for.”
“Sure. He didn’t seem to mind though.”

James squeezes Regulus’ hand and they round a corner, the school now in sight. 

As they walk closer, Regulus feels his heart beat louder and louder in his chest. What if Sirius sees? What’s he going to say? Regulus knows he wanted to tell Sirius earlier, but the thought of Sirius feeling guilty about everything he’s said without even knowing makes Regulus want to cry. 

He doesn’t want Sirius to feel bad, but he so desperately wants him to like him again. Wants to talk to him again. 

Bootes nudges him before they enter the building, moving around him and blocking the way. Regulus tries to make him move but he refuses, jumping up on his back legs. 

Regulus vaguely remembers being told this means he should sit down somewhere, maybe even the floor, but he really can’t be bothered right now. 

Regardless, Bootes keeps persisting, to the point where Regulus huffs and sits down on the damp stone floor. 

Bootes settles himself on Regulus’ lap, his warm body pressing gently against his chest. 

“Reg? Watcha doing?”

“Sitting”

James sits down, too, confused. 

“Okay. Why?”

“Bootes told me to”

“Okay. Why?”

Regulus looks at James, who genuinely seems to have no idea what’s going on. 

“I’m nervous.”

“Oh.” James softens, “Reg, we’ll be fine. I promise. Me and Bootes will keep you nice and safe.”

Bootes sticks his wet snout in Regulus’ cheek just then, making him smile. 

“Okay,” he says quietly. With his fingers tangled in Bootes’ soft fur, feeling his doggy breaths rise and fall against his chest, he has to admit it feels better than crying in the bathroom on his own. 

Unsurprisingly, people stare when they walk into the school. Though there are no herds of 13-year-olds trying to pet Bootes, Regulus still feels a bit uneasy as he makes his way to his locker. 

Bootes sits down between his legs while Regulus gets his stuff, people passing by them, whispering and pointing. 

None of the teachers say anything about it, which relieves Regulus. He was terrified he’d have to explain the situation to someone. 

Bootes just lies quietly by Regulus’ feet in class, or he sits under the desk, head on Regulus’ leg. He doesn’t make a sound, patiently staring up at Regulus, and he strokes through his hair with his free hand, taking notes with the other. 

He and James sit outside for lunch, even though the weather’s getting worse now that summer is ending, and Bootes walks around a little bit, sniffing at trees before trotting back to Regulus after his break. 

“He’s really well behaved isn’t he?” James wonders. 

“Hmm.”

“If I were a dog, I think I’d just sleep all the time.”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “If you were a dog, James, you’d be the kind who barks at literally nothing and is scared of birds.” 

James huffs, nudging Regulus with his shoulder. “You’re so mean to me.”

“You deserve it.”

James fake gasps, a smile slowly making its way onto his face. “How dare you!?”

Regulus just smiles at him, the school bell ringing.