Starlight

I don’t care if it hurts

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

Creep - Radiohead

It’s been three days and Regulus still hasn’t seen him. 

He knows Sirius is here. Sometimes he catches glimpses of black curly hair or hears a distant barking laugh, but when he tries to follow them they just disappear. 

Regulus has never liked change. At all. In fact, change is probably what Regulus hates the most. 

Which this summer has not helped with. 

Between That Night, transitioning, moving to a new place with a new person and now going to a new school, Regulus has had more change than he can deal with in the last month. 

The worst was losing Sirius. 

Regulus knows what happened That Night was his fault. And everything that happened afterwards was his fault, too. 

It’s his own fault that Sirius didn’t want to go to the same foster home as him. It’s his own fault Sirius blocked his number and stopped talking to him. It’s his own fault that Sirius wrote that stuff on his locker.
It’s his own fucking fault that Sirius hates him. He deserves it. 

And who does Regulus think he is, trying to find Sirius now? He should just fucking move to a different country or something and let Sirius be. 

But he can’t. 

He can’t, because he’ll die without Sirius. He needs Sirius. 

This summer has been fucking hell and all Regulus wants to do is run up to his big brother and fall into his arms and finally just breathe again.

Regulus walks into the classroom and heads straight for the back. There’s only one seat free and it’s next to someone. Regulus could turn back now and try to find another seat, but then the guy would know that he doesn’t want to sit next to him, so Regulus forces his legs to keep walking and slips into the seat. 

He can feel the guy’s eyes burning into him and Regulus keeps his gaze firmly fixed on his hands. 

“Hello?” 

Regulus jumps slightly and nods. “Hello,” he doesn’t lift his gaze. 

“I’m James” 

Regulus angles his head towards him slightly, taking in his brown messy hair and golden glasses. 

“Reg”

“Huh?”

“I’m Reg”

“Oh, right. Reg. Are you new?”

“Yeah” 

“Cool. That’s cool. I like your hair.”

Regulus might use sarcasm a lot, but he can only really understand it if he does it himself, and even then he’s never sure other people got it. He used to only really do it in front of Sirius to make him laugh.

“Okay,” he says, hoping that’s somewhat logical. 

James just starts to go really red, “Oh, god, that was so weird. I just meant that- er- it looks soft. So, yeah. I like it.”

Oh. 

“Yours doesn’t look soft,” Regulus answers. 

When James doesn’t answer, Regulus finally forces himself to meet his eyes. 

He’s starting at Regulus, with the biggest smile Regulus has ever seen. It’s like the fucking sun.

Regulus looks back away again, feeling himself go red now.

“What?” he rasps, unsure what James is thinking.

“That was just- I dunno, you’re just awesome.”

This confuses Regulus. “I don’t think so.”

“I do.”

“... I don’t think anyone else who knows me would say that”

“Well, then that’s their loss”

Regulus looks at him from the corner of his, staring at one curl on James’ forehead. “Okay”

“Alright”

The teacher walks in then, and Regulus slowly lowers himself onto the table, dropping his head into his arms. 

He still smiles slightly when James carefully places his shoe against Regulus’. 

***

Suddenly, James is everywhere. He walks with Regulus to his classes, and then picks him up, too. 

He sits with him at lunch, and even though neither of them say a single word, James smiles the whole time. 

Regulus has no idea what’s going on. 

But he sort of likes it. 

It’s Wednesday of his second week at school when he’s grabbing his things from his locker, James appears, out of breath, and still smiling anyway. 

“Hey, Reg”

“...hi”

“You, er, you going home now?”

“Uh-hu”

“Oh, cool. Where do you live?”

“Next to the library.”

“Oh, awesome! My mum’s friend works there, Annie, she’s awesome, have you seen her around?”

“She’s my- my foster mum”

“Oh- that’s brilliant! I bet she’s so cool as a mum.” Regulus really does not understand people.

“...yeah, she’s nice”

James is quiet now, and Regulus busies himself with checking everything in his backpack again. 

“Hey, Reg?”

“Hm?”

“Can I hug you?”

Regulus freezes. “...no”

James is quiet again. 

“Can you hug me?” he asks. 

Regulus looks at him, holding his gaze for only a few seconds before looking away again, but it’s enough to warm his chest. Regulus nods slightly and James smiles, holding out his arms. Regulus awkwardly wraps himself around him, breathing in his scent. 

“You smell a bit”

James laughs, his chest shaking with it and Regulus decides he likes hugging James. 

“Can I hug back?” James whispers, and Regulus doesn’t respond for a while, getting used to the feeling of being so close to James. 

It’s a good forty seconds later when he finally nods, and James gently wraps his arms around him, slowly, until Regulus is surrounded by warmth. 

“This okay?”

“Yeah” 

He doesn’t know why James is whispering, but Regulus whispers back anyway. People bustle around them, Regulus half expects someone to say something, but no one pays them any attention, unlike in the last few days, where every third person would make a show out of not brushing against Regulus and laughing in his face. Shame that Regulus greatly prefers this to them actually touching him. 

He pulls away first, but James doesn’t look disappointed at all, instead he’s just smiling away. 

“So, Reg, may I walk you home?”

Regulus blinks. “If you want” 

James nods enthusiastically and runs off to get his stuff, making Regulus pinky promise not to leave without him. 

Regulus doesn’t, instead he stands by his locker, frowning at the deep dissatisfaction that his is the only grey one among all the blue ones. Like, the irony of that? The fact that Regulus is obsessed with patterns and order and all that crap and now he’s the exception of that?

Just as James is coming back, Regulus frowns at himself. Him being the exception feels awfully familiar. 

***

It starts raining as they walk to Regulus’ house. 

While Regulus pulls his coat tighter around himself and starts to walk faster, James just starts jumping around and yelling and singing and trying to get Regulus to join. 

He tells himself he won’t, but ten minutes later he and James are taking turns sliding down a playground slide which is drenched in water, laughing so hard Regulus barely even realises how cold he is. 

James is waiting at the bottom of the slide and Regulus crashes into him, knocking James over. 

Regulus laughs into his chest before rolling off of him, panting and James reaches out, lacing their fingers together. 

Regulus somehow doesn’t mind, and he laughs again, making James laugh again, which makes them both laugh harder and harder and soon they’re clutching at each other, tears forming in their eyes as they hold each other up. 

The fun is interrupted when Regulus’ phone starts ringing. 

He scrambles for it, laughter gone, heart racing when he sees it’s Annie. 

Before he can even say a word, Annie is yelling. “What the fuck are you playing at Reg!? There’s a massive storm outside and you, mister, were supposed to be back an hour ago! Reg, I told you, you can do whatever you want, as long as you tell me. Get home, now.” 

She’s mad. She’s so fucking mad. Regulus suddenly finds it hard to breathe and he scratches at his arm, still staring at the phone which Annie has hung up on. 

“Reg?”

Regulus whimpers quietly and James places an arm on his, but Regulus flinches, shaking it off.  

He gets up, scratching and scratching at his arm. “I need to go”

“Reg- wait- I’ll come with.”

“But you have to go home.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, Reg, I don’t. It’s fine.”

“No, because your parents will be mad and then they’ll- they’ll- you have to go home.”

“Reg, my parents won’t do anything, it’s okay, I promise. Let me take you home first, alright?”

“But-”

“No buts.”

Regulus’ shoulders sag, and James reaches out, slowly, and pulls the hand scratching at his arm away, lacing their fingers together again. 

“It’s okay. Come on,” he grabs Regulus’ backpack from under the slide for him, and they start walking. 

With no chance at scratching his arm, Regulus is forced to take deep breaths, which James takes with him. 

It helps, for a while, but as they get closer and closer, Regulus' heartbeat gets faster, dread eating away at him. 

Once they’re standing at his front door, the breathing is as bad as it was at the park. 

Regulus knows James is just trying to help, but he can’t stand the feeling of their skin brushing together now, and he snaps at James when he gets too close. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” James steps back. “Should I ring the door-”

Annie rips the door open herself just then, but she freezes when she sees Regulus’ probably terrified face.  

“Oh- no, hon, it’s okay-” She steps forward and Regulus, out of reflex, steps back. His legs are trembling, he’s scratching at his arm again and everything feels wrong. 

Just wear the goddamn dress, Raine, or you’ll regret it. 

What is wrong with you? Speak up!

You will look at me when I’m speaking to you, young lady.

It’s a fucking piece of cloth, you useless thing. Pick it up. 

What on earth do you think you’re doing? Open your eyes, right now. 

“Regulus” 

Annie is kneeling down in front of him now, hands hovering in the air, not touching. 

“Reg, look at me. I will never hurt you. Ever. I swear on my own fucking grave, alright? I’m sorry I yelled. I’m so sorry. But I was worried, Reg, okay? Sometimes people yell and get mad because they’re scared. That’s what that was. I am not angry with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? Nothing you could do would ever make me hurt you. Nothing.”

Regulus hiccups and only when he inches forward slightly does Annie finally hug him. 

“I’m sorry,” he sobs, still trembling. Regulus doesn’t remember his mum ever hugging him, and this is already the third hug he’s gotten from Annie. Her blonde hair always smells of strawberry jam and her ridiculous clothes are somehow always the best textures. Sometimes Regulus has the urge to knead them like a cat. 

“It’s okay. I’m sorry, too.” She carefully wipes Regulus’ tears from his cheeks, smiling. “Now get your little ass inside, both of you, you’re going to catch the worst colds of your lives. And don’t worry, James, I’ll let Effie know you’ll be staying the night. No way am I letting you walk all the way back in this rain.”

Only then does Regulus actually remember James is there and he looks at him. 

James’ eyebrows are scrunchy and his eyes look sort of sad, but he’s smiling a bit, too. Regulus has no idea what he’s thinking, but that doesn’t seem to matter all that much. 

Suddenly very much aware that he just cried his stupid little heart out in front of James after having a meltdown, Regulus looks away, embarrassed. 

“Um,” Regulus shuffles his feet, “do you want to see my room?”

That’s a normal thing to say on a sleepover, right?

“Yes, please,” James smiles widely. 

Regulus nods to himself more than anyone, and leads James towards his bedroom.