Almost Enough

Angela raced home in the rain, her breath coming in short rapid gasps, she could tell a panic attack was approaching and she needed Amanda as soon as possible.
~~

The clock on the wall of their apartment ticked softly, the air heavy with unknown. On the other end of the call she could hear Angela sobbing, and Amanda felt utterly helpless. She should have pushed Angela to stay this morning, instead of just brushing her busy schedule off like normal. Her hands trembled as she held the phone up to her ear, words tumbling out of her mouth trying to calm Angela down.

“It’s okay baby I’m here, please just be safe. Pull over if you have to, just don’t hurt yourself.”

The time moved so slowly, and Angela wouldn’t speak. Amanda strained her ear trying to pick up any sound that might let her know where Angela is at, if she is close to her. “Ang, can you tell me if you are close?”

“F..five..m..mi..minutes.”

“Okay, remember, don’t rush, you will be here soon.” Amanda paced around the house, constantly checking out the window for Angela’s car, her senses were heightened, and she tried her best to ignore Spork barking in the background. She had no idea what to do, so she sat down on the couch, looked out the window, sat down on the couch again, ran to the bedroom, walked back into the living room, and finally planted herself at the kitchen table.

The whole time Angela was on the other end, but her sobs became whimpers, and her breathing steadied for a moment, until she pulled into the parking lot. Amanda raced out the front door, slamming it shut. She ran down the stairs and out the door, the rain slapping her skin as she hit the cold Autumn air. By the time she reached Angela her body was soaked, she shivered in her wet clothes, but her mind was set on helping her girlfriend.

“Ang.” She breathed into the air, and watched as Angela stepped out of the driver’s side. She ran to her, and together they embraced in the rain. Angela went from whimpers to basically full body convulsions, her fingers clawed Amanda’s skin, trying to ground herself in her presence.

Both women were drenched, their hair sticking to their faces, Angela’s face red with exhaustion and sadness. Amanda just held her close, and Angela looked up, her eyes glazed over. Amanda searched for any sign of life, but was only met with a ghost.

“We need to get you inside.”

Amanda had to basically drag Angela into the house, eventually giving up and bridal style carried her into the living room. Angela only clutched on, her head never moving out of Amanda’s chest. Amanda carried her all the way into the bathroom, and set her down gently on the toilet seat.

Amanda stripped herself first, getting into warm, dry clothes. Once she finished as fast as she could, she moved over to the heartbreaking sight in front of her. She signaled for Angela to lift her arms up, and Amanda removed her shirt, and then helped her shimmy off her wet jeans and underclothes. She turned the bath on, feeling the water to make sure it was just right, and guided Angela to sit.

Once in the bath Angela leaned backwards, small streams of tears flowing down her face. Her head met the wall, and she looked up at the ceiling. Amanda turned the water off once it reached the appropriate amount, and searched the cabinets for wipes. Angela always tried to look her best at a gig, so she had to wipe off the remaining bit of makeup that melted off between tears and raindrops.

She wiped Angela’s face gently, holding her face like it was fragile enough to break, thinking to herself how it was already broken.

The whole time Angela just looked up, her eyes never wavering from their spot on the ceiling, only occasionally meeting with Amanda’s, before she quickly looked away. “Amanda…I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.”

“What do you mean?”

Amanda reached over Angela, pulling out the shampoo, and gradually massaged it into her scalp, her fingers working through tangles. “Baby, it’s okay. What is going on in your mind right now.”

“I hate it here.”

“Hate it where?” Amanda took in a slow deep breath, preparing herself for what was said next. Her mind assumed the worst.

“In my body, in my head, in my never ending cycle to be the best. I can’t handle it. I did too much, but it’s never enough. I’m destroying myself, I can’t ever achieve all of the dreams I have so what is the point?”

“So, what should we do? You know that I will always be here for you.”
“I think I need some time to myself.”

Amanda’s hands stop moving. “Okay…what do you mean by that?”

“I just…I may stay at Chanse’s for a while. If that’s okay? Angela closed her eyes, telling herself if she can’t see Amanda, she can’t see her either.

Amanda didn’t answer, she got up, left the room, and out the front door.

~
Angela rinsed out her hair, her hands barely working enough to get it all out. Her hands were numb with shot nerves. She didn’t bother to do anything else, she put on clothes, packed a bag and grabbed Spork. Taking her phone out and ignoring all of the messages from her friends, she called the only person she could think of that wouldn’t blame her for what she just did.

“Chanse? I fucked up so bad. I need to come stay with you.”

On the other line, she heard a gasp. “Bitch, what did you do? Where is Amanda?”

“I told her I needed a break. And obviously she still lives here, and I need to get some space. I fucked up so bad, but what’s said is said. I can’t go back right now. Please, Chanse.”

“Ang, seriously?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, come on over.”

~

Amanda could not breathe. This time it was her turn to let all senses take over and cry until her throat ached, and until her eyes were swollen. She had no idea where she was going, but she couldn’t stay in that house. After everything Amanda has been put through with Angela, this is how she repays her? Amanda loves Angela with her whole entire being, with her soul, this cannot be the end. It was just a break.

The only place she could think to go was the ocean. The rocky shore of the beach was overcome by waves pulsing as the wind blew them harshly against the shore. She did not want comfort from the beach, because nothing in the world could soothe her right now. She comes here because the water understands sadness, the waves know rage, and the ocean understands heartbreak.

The rain was relentless, and as she parked her car and made her way towards the water she welcomed the harsh kisses of raindrops, needles against her tan skin. Across the uneven terrain of sand, her feet sliding on slick rocks she approached the water, not a single other person around her. No one was crazy enough to approach the beach in weather like this.

She could barely see past the downpour, waves surging and the sound roared in her ears. She doesn’t dare sit, if she did she knew the water would suck in her in, and she would let it. Lighting ripped across the sky, and without thinking, Amanda opened her mouth and yelled. She screamed. The sound was raw, her voice hoarse, a sound pulled so deep from her body she could not place it, and by the end her voice was gone. Stolen by the wind and the waves. She stood there empty, her heart breaking inside her, she did not feel better, but she did feel quieter.

She stayed until the cold reached the inner workings of her bones, the rain beating down on her, the wind shrieking. This storm will pass, and so will the one with her and Angela.

“I hate it here.” Is all Amanda could muster, before turning around, and heading back to the car.
~
At Chanse’s apartment, another storm was brewing, and Angela thought she was going to actually die. “She didn’t say anything. She just…left.”

“Yeah bitch! What did you think she was going to do? You have been together for years! I seriously cannot believe you Ang, you need to fix this.”

“How can I? Chanse, I really thought you would be the one person to not judge me for this.”

“Ummm no. Just because you are pissed off about not booking an audition you worked hard for, it does not give you the excuse to destroy my friend from the inside out. You have a great relationship with Amanda. Go get her back before you lose her forever. I actually cannot believe you right now.”

“I know, she helped me through so much and then I just took it for granted.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I need to go.”

“Yes, you do.”

Instead of heading back to the apartment, where Amanda now lays curled up in their bed, her mind searching for any place to go to that she wasn’t physically in. Angela took a left instead of a right, and ended up at a bar.