The graveyard was dark and foreboding, a perfect backdrop for the theatrical display Voldemort was putting on. Astra Potter stood bound to a gravestone, her vivid green eyes glowing faintly in the dim light as she watched him pace back and forth.
“…And so, Astra Potter,” Voldemort declared, his voice dripping with menace, “you stand before me, helpless, as I, Lord Voldemort, rise again! Stronger than ever! The most powerful wizard in the world!”
He flung his arms wide, his robes billowing dramatically in the cold night air.
Astra arched a brow, unimpressed. “You’re really leaning into this whole ‘evil overlord’ thing, huh? You’ve got the speech, the robes, even the melodramatic pacing. Very impressive. Ten points for effort.”
The circle of Death Eaters stilled. Bellatrix Lestrange looked like she was ready to scream bloody murder, while Wormtail’s eyes darted nervously between Astra and Voldemort.
“This is no joke, Potter!” Voldemort snapped, his red eyes narrowing. “Do you think this is funny?”
“Well, yeah,” Astra replied, tilting her head. “I mean, come on. You’ve got, what, a dozen middle-aged goths in cloaks standing around watching you monologue? I’m just waiting for the smoke machine to kick in.”
A strangled snort escaped from the back of the group. Voldemort froze, his pale face twitching as he slowly turned to glare at the offenders.
“WHO DARES…”
“Sorry, my Lord!” Wormtail squeaked, trembling so violently he almost dropped his wand. “It.. it won’t happen again!”
Voldemort’s gaze lingered on Wormtail for a long, icy moment before turning back to Astra. “You insolent child,” he hissed. “You dare mock me? The greatest wizard of all time?”
Astra snorted. “Greatest wizard? Please. You’re not even the scariest person here. Bellatrix is giving me serious ‘psycho aunt at Christmas’ vibes, and Wormtail.. well, he’s just kind of sad, isn’t he?”
“I..I’m not sad!” Wormtail protested weakly.
“Quiet, Wormtail!” Voldemort barked.
“Honestly,” Astra continued, ignoring them both, “you’re trying so hard to be intimidating, but it’s just not working. Maybe it’s the whole ‘no nose’ thing? Or the fact that you spent 13 years as a creepy little ghost baby. Either way, it’s not giving ‘terrifying dark wizard.’ It’s giving… ‘failed science experiment.’”
The Death Eaters shuffled awkwardly. Bellatrix’s lips twitched like she wanted to scream, but even she couldn’t completely suppress the snicker that escaped her throat.
“I DO NOT NEED A NOSE TO INSPIRE FEAR!” Voldemort screeched, his voice cracking slightly.
Astra pretended to think. “I mean, sure, you could go the whole ‘fear without a face’ route. But let’s be real you look like someone dunked Gollum in bleach and told him he was in charge of a drama club.”
Lucius Malfoy coughed into his hand, trying desperately to mask the laugh that bubbled out. Voldemort’s eye twitched.
“I will enjoy making you suffer, Potter,” he hissed, his wand trembling in his hand.
“Right, right,” Astra said with a shrug. “You keep saying that, but all I’m seeing is a lot of yelling and not much follow-through. What’s next? The Cruciatus curse? Maybe a little Avada Kedavra action? Ooooh, maybe you’ll hit me with a mean glare! Oh, wait you already tried that. Didn’t work.”
“CRUCIO!” Voldemort bellowed, aiming his wand at her.
The spell shot forward, but Astra flicked her wrist, summoning her wand from Wormtail’s pocket in one smooth motion. She waved it lazily, deflecting the curse with ease.
“Nice try,” she said, smirking. “But you might want to work on your aim. Or, I dunno, get a wand upgrade. Yours looks like it’s compensating for something.”
“HOW DARE YOU!” Voldemort screeched, launching another spell. It missed Astra entirely, striking the gravestone behind her. The top half crumbled to the ground.
“Wow,” Astra deadpanned. “Missed again. Maybe try glasses? They’re very in right now.”
Voldemort let out an inhuman screech, his frustration palpable. “WORMTAIL! Kill her!”
Wormtail jumped, fumbling for his wand. Before he could do anything, Astra turned her gaze to him.
“Oh, Wormy,” she said sweetly. “You couldn’t even manage to tie your own shoelaces without tripping. What are you going to do? Accidentally poke me to death?”
Wormtail flushed crimson, dropping his wand in his panic.
Voldemort looked like he was about to explode. “I will destroy you myself!” he roared.
“Sure you will,” Astra said, smirking. “Just like you destroyed me last time, right? Oh, wait you didn’t. A literal baby beat you. Still embarrassing, by the way.”
The Death Eaters couldn’t hold it in anymore. The snickering turned into full-blown laughter, several of them turning away to hide their faces. Even Lucius had given up pretending and was openly chuckling into his hand.
Bellatrix tried to intervene. “My Lord, if I may…”
“SILENCE!” Voldemort screamed, spinning on the spot. “ALL OF YOU SILENCE!”
Astra took the opportunity to snap the last of her bindings and Disapparate with a cheeky wave.
Voldemort stood there, trembling with rage, staring at the empty spot where Astra had just been.
“Well?” he barked, turning back to his followers. “WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?”
The Death Eaters froze, some wiping tears of laughter from their eyes.
Bellatrix stepped forward, bowing low. “Nothing, my Lord. You were… magnificent.”
Voldemort’s glare could have melted steel. “Magnificent,” he muttered under his breath. “No nose, she says. Snake cosplay. I’ll show her magnificent…”
Behind him, Wormtail tripped over his robes, and the laughter started all over again.