Chapter 11
Hermione was a smart young woman. Brilliant, even. She was smart enough to know she had fallen for Theo– fallen for Mystery. Of course, she had known for quite some time now that they were the same person, but she’d refused to accept it, wary of the implications it would have.
There was no denying it now; Theo was her pen pal, and he clearly had feelings for her too. Complicated, big feelings. Feelings she didn’t quite know how to handle. Hermione had been bolder than she ever had before with him, and she couldn’t forget the look in his eyes. He looked absolutely terrified. Of her. Of course, she could also see the longing in his eyes, and she knew he’d wanted to kiss her as much as she’d wanted to kiss him. Hermione didn’t fully understand his reaction, why he had turned and ran from her, but she was smart enough to know it had more to do with the way he viewed himself than the way he felt about her- although it had stung for a moment, she had worked it out in her head shortly after and understood it was not really a rejection. That fact coupled with her blasted Gryffindor tenacity was what led her to be sitting outside the Slytherin common room that same night, waiting rather impatiently.
When the door finally opened and Malfoy appeared, Hermione found herself holding her breath.
“How is he?” She asked nervously.
Malfoy sighed as he motioned for her to follow him around the corner to a nearby alcove. He took a seat on the stone bench, and she followed suit. “He’s asleep. Which is a better state than I found him in,” he muttered.
Hermione felt her heart squeeze with concern. “What exactly does that mean?”
He looked at her pointedly then, as if weighing the risk of being honest with her versus respecting his friend’s trust. “It means he threw a tantrum. And he was absolutely knackered. I’ve never seen him like that, and I’ve seen him go through quite a bit.”
Hermione stilled. She tried to imagine Theo, drunk and out of control, but she couldn’t. Not the Theo she had gotten to know these last few weeks. “I’m trying to understand where all this is coming from, but I have to confess I’m a bit confused,” she admitted, nibbling her lip anxiously.
Malfoy sighed again and rubbed his palms against his eyes wearily. “It’s complicated, Granger. I don’t know how much Nott has told you about his childhood–”
“I know about his father. I mean, I know he didn’t treat Theo well. And I know he lost his mother,” she said, suddenly feeling like she wanted to cry.
“He told you? I’m surprised you got him to open up about that at all,” Malfoy pondered.
Hermione grimaced. “Well, my pen pal told me. But I think we both know they’re the same person, right?”
“I was wondering when you’d figure that out. It took you long enough, Brightest Witch of Our Age,” he teased, but his face was still somber.
“Ha, ha. I think I’ve known for a while now. But I knew he wasn’t ready for me to know, so I had to convince myself I didn’t– if that makes any sense at all,” she said, knowing she sounded slightly nutty.
“No, I understand what you’re saying. You were letting him come to you. I think that was the right move,” Malfoy said, looking at her earnestly. “So you really like him then? As more than a friend- you’re serious about him?”
She nodded resolutely “I really do. I don’t know how to handle this though. I still don’t see why he’s so afraid of me. As soon as I give some indication that I feel the same, er– he does like me, right?” Hermione asked, feeling slightly silly, her face coloring.
“Granger. Yes. You have no bloody idea,” Malfoy said, shaking his head in annoyance. “Like I said, it’s complicated. Without divulging too much, Theo is fairly convinced he doesn’t deserve to be happy. You said he’s told you about his father– how much do you know?”
“Not much,” Hermione admitted.
“I see. Well, it’s his story to tell of course, but you should know that his father didn’t just ‘not treat him well.’ He was, and I’m sure still is, a hateful, twisted person. Even I don’t know the full extent of it, but I know that Theo was terrified of his father growing up, and that he did everything in his power to make Theo feel worthless. When you’re told from a very young age that you’re nothing, it starts to sink in at some point. I think Theo wants to be with you very much, but he’s still battling some pretty dark demons,” Malfoy said, the anger he felt towards Nott Sr. palpable.
He paused before adding something else, and Hermione was surprised at the vulnerability of his words. "I know what that feels like. I mean, Nott had it much worse than me obviously, and it’s not exactly the same, but... well, I’m sure you’re aware that my own family had some... issues, to put it lightly. It's hard to shake that shit off, especially when you’re young and the people who are supposed to care about you are the ones doing the most damage."
Feeling a sense of empathy for both of the Slytherins she didn’t know she was capable of, she gave Malfoy what she hoped was a reassuring smile, aware that he likely didn’t want her to acknowledge his personal confession any further. Hermione hesitated before asking the next question. “Did he ever– I understand if you don’t feel comfortable telling me, but was the abuse physical as well?”
Malfoy didn’t answer directly, but gave her a loaded expression that managed to answer her question without words. “Trust me Granger, I did what I could at the time. Nott practically lived at my house, as often as he could get away. I tried telling my parents, even tried telling Snape for Merlin’s sake, but whether or not any of them did anything to protect him I’ll never know- it certainly didn't seem like it. He’s finally free of his father, thankfully, but I think he has a ways to go before he ever fully escapes him.”
Hermione felt her stomach drop, willing herself not to cry. “I don’t even know what to say,” she whispered. “I guess it makes sense that he has such a hard time letting people in.” She bit down on her lip to stop it from trembling.
Malfoy nodded in agreement. “Yes. And you’re not just any person to him, Granger. You’re not someone he can just ignore. You challenge everything he’s ever believed about himself. But that also means you scare him. I know you said you fancy him, but this is rather heavy stuff. If you’re going to walk away, you should probably do it sooner rather than later.”
Hermione felt her resolve strengthen even more. “I’m not walking away, Malfoy. I don’t just fancy him, it’s more than– I feel quite strongly about Theo. A year ago I don't think I would've been able to handle this, but I’m in a much better place now, and I want to be there for him. I want to help him. How do I do that?”
Malfoy looked at her in surprise, a newfound respect on his face. “All you can do is give him time. Don’t push him, but don’t back away, either. He’ll come to you when he’s ready. But if you really want to help him, you need to make sure he knows you’re not going anywhere. Let him see that there’s no part of him—no matter how fucked up he thinks he is—that would make you turn your back. He has to trust that you’re not afraid of who he is.”
“I can do that. Thank you, Malfoy,” she said as she stood to leave.
He smiled grimly. “S’nothing, Granger. I’m glad you’re not giving up on him. He deserves to have something good in his life.”
*
*
Hermione’s heart was racing as Theo approached her the following day. Gods, he was handsome, she thought. His hair was still damp, his brown waves falling perfectly across his forehead. He looked tired, but his eyes were still that bright, vivid green, amplified by the colour of his jumper. When she smiled at him, she saw his face relax slightly and he returned the smile, his dimples appearing just slightly.
It pained Hermione to say those words to Theo– to tell him she wanted to be friends, when in reality, she wanted so much more than that. But she knew she needed to backpedal a little. She thought of how he’d frozen in panic when she’d practically thrown herself at him last night, and she knew he wasn’t ready yet. As much as she wanted to grab him right now, to pull his face closer and bring her lips to his, she settled for a gentle squeeze of his hand. Theo needed time, Malfoy had said; time to trust her, time to open up to her, time to realize she wasn’t afraid of what she might see when he did. If he wasn’t ready to be with her yet, then she was more than happy to wait until he was– to be his friend in the meantime. Hermione had plenty of patience.
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As November unfurled its first breath, a quiet hum of anticipation seemed to linger in the crisp air. Whether it was the end of term nearing, the upcoming holidays, or excitement about the dance, the energy at Hogwarts had changed. Hermione certainly felt it, and that only made it harder to resist the temptation that was Theodore Nott. Her friend. She tried not to resent the term.
Despite her lingering feelings for him, Hermione actually enjoyed Theo’s friendship. Once he began to relax around her, perhaps no longer feeling the pressure to woo her, she got to see even more of his personality. Theo was witty, thoughtful, and incredibly intelligent. They studied together at least twice a week now, and Hermione found that her marks had actually improved a bit. He encouraged her to think about things in different ways, to deepen her understanding of things she thought she already understood– like Runes, for example. Hermione refused to allow herself to flirt with him overtly, but she still expressed her feelings for him through their connected notebooks. It was silly, she sometimes thought, this dance they were doing– pretending to be oblivious to the fact that they were pen pals, that they each had such strong feelings for each other.
But Malfoy had been right, she’d realized. Theo was beginning to let his guard down, and little by little, she learned more about his past, about the things he kept buried so deeply. Hermione would share things with him, things she didn’t even share with Harry and Ron– and in return, he did the same.
She learned that his father had always been a vengeful, angry man, but that it had gotten worse after his mother’s death. His parents had disagreed about many things; pureblood supremacy, politics, who his mother associated with to name a few– but mainly the way Theo should be raised. His father viewed any sort of affection or gentleness as “coddling” and insisted that his son would become a ‘Nancy’ or too soft. His parents’ marriage had been an arranged one between two Sacred Twenty-Eight families, the Shafiqs and the Notts. Theo’s mother had been raised in a more compassionate, loving household, and although she was devastated over the arranged marriage, she had vowed to raise her son in the same way. Hermione didn’t yet know how Theo’s mother had passed away, but she sensed it was an incredibly painful memory for him to relive, so she resolved to allow him to share it whenever he was ready. The more time they spent together, the easier their friendship became– Hermione found herself truly comfortable with Theo, and he seemed to be moving in the same direction.
It was one of those evenings, the two of them staying warm together in the library as the hours flew by, that led to a realization for Hermione.
They had been discussing their upcoming exams, which had eventually led to talk of the holidays.
“Do you have plans for Christmas, then?” Theo asked.
Hermione sighed. “I suppose I’ll probably go home with Ron.”
Theo studied her. “You don’t sound very happy about it,” he observed.
Hermione grimaced. “It’s not that– I love the Weasleys. They’re family to me. I’m just not looking forward to the holidays in general, I guess.”
“But I thought Christmas was your favourite holiday?” Theo said, then his face flushed, likely realizing that was something “Wildcard” had revealed to him, not Hermione.
She let it slide. “It is, but it’s not quite the same anymore. You know, without my parents,” she muttered. It wasn’t the first time the topic of her parents had come up, but the reminder of them was painful regardless.
Theo looked at her with compassion in his eyes. “I get it, Hermione. At least you’ll be around people you love, right? You can lean on them for support.”
She nodded. “Of course, I’m so grateful to them. They’ve done so much for me. I honestly don’t think I’d be sitting here with you today if it weren’t for them,” she said, wondering if she was ready to talk about this with him.
He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
Hermione decided that if she expected him to be vulnerable with her, she needed to do the same. She took a deep breath. “I wasn’t in a very good place for a little while– right after the war. I think everything just caught up to me all at once, and I sort of fell apart. I just couldn’t take care of myself anymore. It was pretty bad, to be honest with you.”
Theo looked genuinely speechless as she continued. “This is going to sound a bit dramatic, but I think I’d pretty much decided I didn’t want to live anymore,” she said, forcing herself to meet his eye. “Mr. and Mrs. Weasley saved my life. They dragged me to St. Mungo’s. It was awful at first, but I’m not ashamed of the fact that I needed help. I’m doing so much better now, and it’s all thanks to them.”
“Hermione, I had no idea,” Theo said at last. “So you were at St. Mungo’s– what did they do to help you get better?”
“Well, for starters, they had to get me to eat and drink, which I’d been refusing to do. I spent a lot of time working with a Mind Healer– what Muggles would call therapy. I was there for two weeks, but I continued seeing her afterwards. I still check in with her even now,” Hermione said.
“I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a Mind Healer,” Theo said quietly, and Hermione looked at him in shock.
“I guess it’s a fairly new profession- not as popular as it is in the Muggle world,” Hermione said, chewing her lip.
“What exactly do they do?” Theo asked, looking cautiously interested.
“I basically just… talked to her. It was hard at first– I had to talk about things that made me uncomfortable or sad, or even angry. But the more I talked, the better I started to feel. She– Healer Tilden is her name, she helped me make sense of everything I was experiencing. She said it was normal to have trouble readjusting, that I had been through a lot in the last few years and it wasn’t something that could be fixed overnight. That it wasn’t something I could fix myself by reading one more book or learning a new spell or... just pushing myself harder,” she said.
Theo didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. He was listening in that quiet way of his, as if he wanted nothing more than to hear what she had to say. Hermione could feel the weight of his attention, but it didn’t feel heavy—it felt safe, like a space where she could let her guard down a little more.
“I think I was struggling in the beginning because I expected myself to just go back to the way I used to be, and it wasn’t working. I’m never going to be that person again, but I’ve learned to accept that. I actually have a little mantra she taught me– do you want to hear it?” She asked shyly.
Theo nodded. “I’d love to,” he said earnestly.
“I am open to change, and I trust that the future holds possibilities I cannot yet see. It’s something I say to myself when I feel overwhelmed or unsure of what might happen next."
Theo tilted his head thoughtfully. “That’s a good one. I wish I had a mantra. Maybe that would help me with… you know. Everything,” he said softly, avoiding her eyes.
Hermione pondered. “Theo, would you ever consider talking to a Mind Healer? It’s okay if you’re not sure– I’m just curious.”
She watched him mull over her question. “Er, I guess so? I’ve never really thought about it, obviously, but I can see how it might be helpful. I just don’t even know where I’d start,” Theo said at last.
“I could help you,” she said, without a second thought.
His eyes widened just a fraction. “You would?” He sounded so vulnerable then that it nearly broke Hermione’s heart.
She reached for his hand again, hesitating for a moment but then giving it a quick squeeze. “Of course I would.”
Hermione felt him squeeze her hand back, harder than she expected, almost as if she were some kind of lifeline. “Thank you. That would mean a lot to me,” Theo said, his eyes full of something that looked an awful lot like trust.
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“Come in, Ms. Granger,” said the familiar voice of Headmistress McGonagall.
Hermione entered the room, taking a seat in the armchair McGonagall was gesturing to.
“Hello, Professor,” she said pleasantly.
McGonagall smiled. “How have you been, Hermione? I trust your classes are going well?”
Hermione nodded. “Everything’s going very well, thank you. Just preparing for my N.E.W.T.s like everyone else.”
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine, Granger. You always do,” McGonagall said, her eyes twinkling slightly. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure today? Just a friendly visit, or did you have something in particular you were hoping to discuss?”
“I did, actually,” Hermione said, chewing her lip. “I wanted to ask– have you ever considered having a Mind Healer on staff here?”
The headmistress looked surprised by the question, but then her expression changed to contemplative. “I will admit the thought has never occurred to me, although I’m certainly not opposed to the idea. May I ask what prompted this? Unless you’d prefer not to share.”
Hermione hesitated. “Well, for starters, I’ve been seeing one myself since after the battle. And it’s helped me loads.”
McGonagall looked at her with something akin to admiration. “That’s wonderful to hear, Granger. I do wish more people would consider doing that.”
“I agree! Which is why I’m asking about the possibility of having one here. Perhaps they could work alongside Madam Pomfrey– I haven’t really thought through specifics. But I can think of quite a few students here who would benefit from being able to talk to someone, and finding a Mind Healer on their own might feel rather intimidating or overwhelming. It would be nice if the resource was available to them right here,” she finished.
McGonagall leaned back in her chair slightly as she considered, “It’s certainly an interesting proposition, Ms. Granger. You understand, of course, that the decision is not just up to me, correct?” Hermione nodded, and she continued. “You have my word that I will look into it. I do appreciate you looking out for your fellow students. I am asking this only because I’d like to know if there’s any cause for concern– do you know of anyone who is in need of urgent support, someone who might be in danger of harming themselves or others?”
Hermione shook her head quickly. “No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just–” she hesitated.
“Granger, need I remind you that anything you share with me today will not leave this room? If there is someone you are concerned about, I would certainly like to know,” the older witch said, fixing Hermione with a stare that was not unkind, but also left no room for argument.
“It’s Theodore Nott,” she said in resignation.
McGonagall’s eyebrows jumped, but she quickly returned her expression to neutral. “Ah, Mr. Nott. I didn’t realize the two of you were well acquainted.”
“Only recently. We’ve gotten to know each other quite well over the last few months– as friends, I mean,” Hermione added quickly. “Theo is– he’s been through a lot,” she said quietly.
The headmistress studied her. “I am aware of some of the details of Mr. Nott’s situation. Professor Snape and Professor Dumbledore were attempting to intervene on his behalf, but as you may know, there were many challenges. How is he holding up now?”
Hermione felt a pang in her chest as she thought about Theo. “He’s doing okay in some ways, but he hides a lot under the surface. I told him I would help him find a Mind Healer, and that’s what got me thinking about the idea of bringing one here.”
McGonagall gave her an approving look. “He’s quite fortunate to have you in his corner, Hermione. I’m glad to see you befriending someone who needs it, even if they’re in a house you may not particularly like. Please do let me know if anything changes– if there’s anything I can do to support either of you.”
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True to her word, McGonagall had taken action very quickly. The following week at dinner, the headmistress announced that the staff would be joined by Healer Caldwell, a middle-aged wizard with dark hair and kind brown eyes. Apparently, the Ministry had been particularly keen on McGonagall’s suggestion, perhaps having something to do with the positive reaction it would likely have from the public. After introducing himself, Healer Caldwell explained that should students like to make an appointment with him, they could either stop by his office or fill out a sign-up sheet located in the Great Hall which could then be dropped into a locked mailbox outside of his office.
Hermione had wondered what was the best way to broach the topic with Theo, but as it turned out, he did it for her.
As they walked from Charms to Ancient Runes together the following day, he turned to her somewhat nervously. “Hermione, can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” she answered.
“When you said you’d help me– you know, with the whole Mind Healer stuff… er, I feel silly asking this, but you didn’t have anything to do with one suddenly appearing here, did you?” He asked, running his fingers through his hair, which Hermione had learned was one of his nervous habits.
“Well…” she said, leaving the word hanging there as she bit her lip and glanced down at the floor. “I’m sorry if it was overstepping. It wasn’t only for you, though, if that makes it any better. I figured other students would benefit from it as well–”
“Please, Hermione. You don’t need to apologize. It’s one of the kindest things anyone’s ever done for me,” he said, his voice surprisingly thick with emotion. “How did you even manage that?”
“Well, I have a bit of sway with McGonagall. You could say she owes me a favor,” she said, smiling shyly.
Theo laughed. “Thank you. It means a lot, honestly. I suppose I ought to go make an appointment then,” he said, looking a bit anxious at the idea.
“I could come with you if you’d like,” she offered.
He hesitated for a moment before shaking his head. “I appreciate it, but you’ve done enough for me already. I think I can manage the rest on my own.”
Hermione gave him a genuine smile. “I’m proud of you, Theo. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help. Trust me, I would know.”