Chapter 12
Theo
What is something you’ve done that you feel proud of?
Theo stared at the prompt in front of him. Part of him felt silly– spending most of his days with Granger only to retreat into his room and write to her, pretending he didn’t know exactly who he was talking to. Of course, he wondered all the time if Granger knew she was talking to him. That possibility was harder for him to accept, because it would mean she knew him even more intimately than he’d allowed her to during their time together in person. It would also mean that she had feelings for him, and the most insecure part of Theo had convinced himself that she thought "Mystery" was someone completely different– that she would be mortified when she realized it was Theo, whom she just considered a good friend.
The thing is, if Granger really did only want to be friends for the rest of their lives, Theo knew he would do it in a heartbeat. He would spend the rest of his life pretending he wasn’t desperately in love with Hermione if it meant he got to have her in his life at all. If he thought he’d loved her before he gotten to know her, he was a lost cause now. Hermione was everything he’d imagined and more– brilliant, courageous, thoughtful, tenacious, selfless, with the most immense capacity for kindness despite everything she’d been through.
Theo had been truly in awe of her when she’d opened up to him and shared the things she had been through over the last few years. As if it weren’t enough to bury the bodies of countless friends and loved ones, to stare down the face of pure evil and come out alive, she had lost her parents in the most heartbreaking way he could imagine. And yet, here she was, extending a hand to Theo, assuring him he wasn’t broken beyond repair as he’d believed himself to be. Here Hermione Granger, Golden Girl, war heroine was, reassuring him, supporting him. Gods, he knew he didn’t deserve her kindness, but he couldn’t get enough of it. Like sleep to the freezing, he ached for it, clambered towards it, unable to care if it would be the end of him. Yes, he could convince himself he was content to be her friend and never try to cross that line with her again. But those moments he spent writing to her, baring his soul to her, they allowed him to pretend he was more than that. So he would cling to them until McGonagall herself pried this bloody notebook from his cold, dead hands.
Theo brought himself back to the present as he refocused on the question. Something he’d done that he felt proud of. He felt the cloying voice of his father for a moment, reminding him that he had nothing to be proud of– that he was a disappointment. He could hear the cold sneer in every syllable, echoing in the deepest corners of his mind. For as long as he could remember, Theo had believed it, accepted it like it was his own voice. He never had the strength to argue with it; it was easier to let it drown out everything else. He had learned to carry it with him like a weight he couldn’t put down.
Gritting his teeth, Theo silenced the voice, as Healer Caldwell had taught him. He pictured the healer’s gentle voice as he reminded Theo– “You are not the sum of your bloodline. You are the choices you make and the person you choose to be." He had only been to a handful of sessions with Healer Caldwell, but he could feel the shift in himself even now. He could feel something building inside himself, a resolve and inner-strength he never thought he’d possess. Clinging to that feeling, he began to write.
I guess I would say I’m proud of myself for accepting help. For not giving up on myself. I didn’t do it alone– someone very special to me helped me to do it, but I can feel myself getting better. It’s only been a few weeks, and I still have plenty of moments where I feel pretty bloody worthless– don’t get me wrong. I’m clearly a work in progress. But I feel different now, a bit lighter. So I think what I mean is I’m proud that I’m still trying. I’m learning to listen to myself and not my father, to trust that I can handle the difficult things instead of running from them.
What about you, Wildcard? What are you proud of?
Theo thought back to his very first session with Healer Caldwell– how uncomfortable and anxious he’d been. He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before. That morning, he’d nearly decided he wasn’t going to go at all. However, Hermione, being the intuitive witch that she was, had met him outside his common room that morning, handing him a banana and instructing him– “eat.” Somehow she’d known that he would’ve skipped breakfast, his stomach roiling with nerves.
“I’ve been there too, remember?” She’d said softly, understanding in her eyes.
Granger had even insisted on walking him to Caldwell’s office, linking arms with him as they went. He wasn’t sure if it was to keep him from running away or simply to give him some reassurance, but he clung to her regardless. Once they stood outside the door, she’d looked at him with the most honest, genuine expression on her face and said, “Theo, I am so proud of you.”
She’d never know, but Theo had realized she was the first person to ever say those words to him, and they’d meant more than she could possibly imagine. The session, of course, had been nowhere near as bad as Theo had anticipated. Healer Caldwell was a kind and patient man whose easygoing demeanor made Theo feel far more relaxed than he’d expected. It almost felt like chatting with a friend. A friend who asked him questions like 'and how does that make you feel, Theodore?' Actually, Theo realized, he didn't have any friends like that. Maybe it was better to think of him as his healer.
When Caldwell had asked him the simple question– “Why are you here, Theodore?” Theo had answered honestly, the first thought that popped into his mind.
“To get better,” he’d said. And he had– gotten better, that is. He knew he still had a long way to go, but he finally felt like he wasn’t alone anymore. Going to the first session had been the hardest, but he found himself almost looking forward to them now. It had been challenging for Theo to open up at first– he’d asked the healer right off the bat if he knew who his father was.
“Yes, I do,” Caldwell had simply said.
“And you don't mind– you’ll still work with me?” Theo had asked, anxiously running his fingers through his hair.
“Of course I will, Theodore. Your father has absolutely nothing to do with the way I perceive you.”
The statement had been honest, even clinical in a way, but hearing those words brought Theo more comfort than he could’ve imagined. He hadn’t realized how much pain he carried with him in regards to his father– it was beyond just the way he had treated Theo, it was the gut-wrenching guilt he felt about being related to him. About being the son of someone hateful enough to eagerly join forces with the darkest wizard in recent history, to enthusiastically help carry out a genocide in the name of pureblood supremacy. Although Theo had never harmed a living thing, he was thoroughly convinced there was blood on his hands– blood his father had spilled. He was still working hard to disentangle himself from Nott Sr.’s grips, from the darkness that had permeated his childhood. Caldwell was helping him– some days, he asked him to pretend his father was in the room, to say what he’d never been able to say to him. Those days were particularly hard for Theo.
Most recently, they’d begun exploring the topic of his family legacy– what parts of his family’s history he was proud of and what he felt most ashamed of. Of course, everything he was proud of had come from his mother, and Caldwell helped him to understand that despite his family’s history, he could choose to break the cycle, just as his mother had. The healer had instructed him that when he was having a hard time separating himself from his father, he should tell himself– “I do not carry the hate of those that came before me. I choose love. I choose to fight against the darkness that once claimed my family. I will build my own legacy.”
“Kind of a mouthful,” Theo had joked.
Caldwell had snorted in response. “It is. Feel free to shorten it as you see fit, but it can serve as a reminder that only you are responsible for defining your identity, for defining your future. You can reject everything your father tried to teach you– in fact, you’ve already been doing that since you were a child. Hold tight to that voice, the one that’s always told you he was wrong. That is who you are.”
Yanking himself out of his own thoughts, Theo smiled to himself as he saw Granger’s response appear.
Mystery– I’m so happy to hear you say you’re proud of yourself. I could tell you that I’m proud of you a million times (which I am, by the way), but it wouldn’t mean anything until you feel some of that pride on your own, too.
I think I’m most proud of my resilience. I used to think that word meant just maintaining a brave face no matter what had happened to you, but I think it’s much more complex than that now. I’m resilient because I let myself feel the pain of everything I went through. I let myself grieve, even though it hurt terribly. I wake up feeling lucky to be alive most days, and it’s not because I pretend those memories don’t exist. It’s because I’ve accepted them as a part of who I am, and I’ve let them turn me into a kinder, more open-minded person. I’m far from perfect, of course, but I like to think I’ve become someone that I can be proud of.
I could have become jaded, I could have turned my anger and hurt outwards. But I’ve befriended people I never would have been able to before all this, and I think my own experiences are what has helped me to empathize with them. Does that make sense?
Even though he’d gotten to know her so well, Theo was still blown away by Hermione every day. She was right, of course. Her resilience was one of the things he admired most about her. She could have shunned any Slytherin who crossed her path, and she would have been well within her right to after the way so many of them had treated her. But instead, she’d found it in her heart to reach out to Theo who had so desperately needed it, even to forgive Draco, who had bullied her relentlessly, whose family had tortured her. He shivered at the thought. Granger was far stronger than he could ever be, but he didn’t resent her for it. He just felt lucky that she was strong enough to look past everything and be his friend.
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With the impending N.E.W.T.s lurking on the horizon, Theo and Hermione found themselves in the library nearly every night. Theo would have thought he’d be far too distracted to actually study with the witch he was in love with, but to his surprise, they worked quite well together. They split up the chapters in their textbooks and compiled their notes into a study guide, which Hermione managed to duplicate using a spell Theo hadn’t even heard of so they could each have a copy. They quizzed each other, debated topics to help prepare for the essays they’d need to write, and scoured the library for books to broaden their knowledge on anything pertaining to the exams. Although their schedule only overlapped three times, they were taking nearly all of the same courses, which worked out nicely.
Theo had never had a friend who cared as much about academic success as he did, and he could tell Hermione felt the same. Her loyal companions, or half-witted sidekicks, as Theo referred to them, rarely showed their faces in the library, but when they did, Hermione insisted they join the two of them, much to Theo’s chagrin. Despite his misgivings, Theo found that he actually didn’t mind Potter, once he got past the whole hero-complex thing. Weasley was another story, but they mostly just ignored each other anyways. Theo didn’t dislike him per se, but he found they had very little in common and didn’t particularly appreciate the way the redhead watched his every move, his beady eyes narrowed in suspicion. But of course, for the sake of their lovely mutual friend, the three boys begrudgingly tolerated each other when they had to.
Theo couldn’t pretend he wasn’t jealous of the ease in which the male Gryffindors interacted with Hermione– the way they could casually sling an arm around her, the way their nickname for her, ‘Mione rolled so easily off their tongues; of the history they had with her. They knew her in a way that Theo likely never would, and he found himself envying them for it. While he and Granger had spent a great deal of time together and knew each other rather well, their friendship was still new.
It was one of these evenings, where Weasley and Potter had joined them- much to Theo's annoyance. Weasley was being particularly chummy with Granger that day, leaning over her book so close his jaw was grazing her hair, wrapping an arm casually around her chair as she studied, and pestering her non-stop with questions about Potions. Granger, saint that she was, didn’t seem to notice or mind, and answered all of his questions patiently. The ginger embodiment of idiocy must have been in a particularly feisty mood, because he was clearly goading Theo.
A shit-eating grin on his face, Weasley interrupted Hermione's concentration once again to ask "Hermione, can you remind me of the difference between powdered root of asphodel and powdered moonstone? I keep getting them mixed up." It was bloody stupid question, one he obviously knew the answer to, but Granger had launched into an explanation anyways. Theo could feel his face flush with jealousy when Weasley locked eyes with him and rubbed Granger’s arm affectionately, saying “What would I ever do without you, ‘Mione?”
Hermione finally seemed to catch on after that, her eyes following Theo’s ill-concealed annoyed gaze to Weasley’s smug expression. She shrugged Weasley off her and said “Perhaps you’d find someone else to bother for stupid questions about Potions?” And then to Theo’s surprise, she stood up and came to sit next to him instead. He certainly wasn’t complaining, especially when she threw him a smile and wink before scowling at Weasley.
Seeming to sense the growing tension, Potter stood up. “Well, I’m off to bed. Coming, Ron?” He shot his redheaded friend a look.
Weasley’s eyes darted between Theo and Hermione before he stood to follow. “Fine. See you later, ‘Mione? Nott.” Theo gave Potter a nod, barely suppressing an eye-roll at Weasley.
Granger turned to Theo once the other two had left, looking slightly bashful. “I’m sorry about Ron. He can be a real prat sometimes, but I promise he’s not that bad once you get to know him.”
Theo raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think he has any interest in getting to know me, Granger.”
“Hermione,” she corrected him. “And he’ll come around eventually. He’s just… protective.”
“And he thinks I’m someone you need to be protected from,” Theo said, trying to keep his tone neutral.
“No– I mean yes, I guess in a way he does. But I sort of understand where he’s coming from. It doesn’t give him an excuse to behave so poorly, but he just doesn’t– er, he doesn’t want to see me get hurt,” Hermione said, biting her lip.
Theo felt a knot in his stomach. “Why would he think I’d ever hurt you, Hermione?” He asked quietly, afraid of what she might say.
She looked conflicted. “It’s nothing, really– I don’t want you to beat yourself up.”
“Please just tell me,” he said.
Granger sighed. “It’s just– that night at the Three Broomsticks a few weeks ago, after you ran away from me… Harry and Ron were waiting for me inside so I could go talk to you. When they came out to look for me, you’d already left and I was rather upset. You have to understand, I didn’t realize why you’d left. All I knew was that I’d sort of er– thrown myself at you, and you said you were sorry and ran away. I thought it might be because of me– because you didn’t want me.” She looked like she wanted to cry.
The knot in Theo’s stomach tightened as he looked at her. “Hermione– that’s so far from the truth. I just wasn’t–”
“You weren’t ready. I know that now, Theo, and I promise I don’t hold any of it against you. But at the time, it felt like a rejection, and it hurt,” she was looking at him anxiously, and he almost felt like she was testing the waters, seeing how he’d react- seeing if he was going to flee.
He took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Hermione. It didn’t even occur to me that you might view it as a rejection– I was so caught up in my own feelings about the situation. I can understand why it hurt and why your friends would feel protective over you now,” he said, keeping his voice steady.
“I know you don’t think this way, Theo– but a small part of me thought it might have been because I’m a Muggle-born,” she said, her voice small. Theo’s mouth opened to protest, but she continued. “Trust me, I know it’s silly. You’re not like that, I know. But there’s just this deep-rooted insecurity in me that resurfaces sometimes. It’s nothing you did or said, it’s just– me. Or my past experiences. I don’t know,” she said, wringing her hands, tears beginning to fill her eyes.
Before he could stop to overthink it, Theo found himself reaching for her. She froze for a second, but he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms tightly around her body. He had never hugged her before. How had he never hugged her before? What the hell was wrong with him? He never wanted to let go. It felt like basking in the sun on a cool day– warming him from head to toe, banishing all the darkness.
“I’m so sorry, Hermione. I’m sorry anyone ever made you feel that way- I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I’m sorry I made you doubt even for a second that you were anything less than perfect,” he murmured into hair hair, scarcely believing the words were coming out of his mouth.
When he felt her hands slip around his waist, returning the embrace, he felt his mind unraveling. It was all he could do not to let his hands roam, to touch her everywhere. Her scent was intoxicating, and he could feel her breath against his neck, could feel the wet spots her tears had left behind on him. Knowing it was completely inappropriate, Theo felt all of his blood rush down southward, and he tensed, praying she couldn’t feel it. And then, because the Gods were cruel, Granger decided to choose that very moment to let out a little sigh, exhaling her soft breath against his ear as she nuzzled her head into him further. Fucking hell, she had no idea what she was doing to him. It was pure torture.
Theo considered himself a very respectful young man, but he realized with abashment that if he didn’t do something to… relieve himself at some point tonight, his imagination was going to run a marathon with what was happening in this very moment. Hermione finally pulled away and looked up at Theo, and Merlin he was helpless for her. With her curls escaping from the bun she’d piled them into, her eyes still watery, cheeks flushed, and her lips pulled into a perfect little pout, he thought she must be the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. In that moment he wanted to tell her so badly– he wanted to confess every pathetic, yearning thought he’d had for her since he was thirteen years old. He wanted to drown in her eyes, to lean down and crash his lips against hers and drink in every single sweet little breath that left her gorgeous mouth.
Say something, a voice in his head urged. Anything. She was staring at him still, and it almost felt like she was willing him to do it– to beg her for a chance, to pour his heart out. But she had told him they were just friends, and then she’d said the last time this happened, the last time they had been close to acknowledging this thing between them, he had hurt her. Theo couldn’t bear to hurt her again, and despite the changes he’d felt in himself recently, he couldn’t bring himself to take the leap without knowing how she felt in return. So instead, he reached out and tucked a stray curl behind her ear, trying to keep his fingers from trembling. He didn’t say anything, but prayed that his eyes conveyed at least some of the things he felt inside.
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Theo awoke in the earliest hours of the morning the following day, realizing with horror that he had been having a not-so-innocent dream about Hermione. How the hell his mind had managed to conjure up the image of Granger on her knees in front of him, he had no idea, but he was fairly appalled at his subconscious for it. Gods, he needed a cold shower or something. It was like he was going through puberty all over again, and he needed to get a grip. Rolling over and attempting to ignore the very unwelcome presence in his trousers, Theo reached for his notebook. With only three-ish weeks to go until the end of term, he dreaded the end of his only method of communicating freely with Granger; the only way he was able to confidently express his feelings.
What’s something you’d like to say to your pen pal face-to-face?
Fucking hell, Theo thought. I’m hopelessly in love with you and I just woke up from a naughty dream about you?
He groaned as he rubbed his in frustration. Deciding now was probably not the best time to answer this question, he opted for the aforementioned cold shower. He had a session with Healer Caldwell at eight, and as much as he liked the man, he didn’t think it would be appropriate to show up with a raging boner.
Two hours later, he was sitting in Caldwell’s office, finding himself more anxious than he usually was during his sessions. The healer studied him curiously.
“Is everything alright, Theodore? You seem a bit tightly wound today,” Caldwell observed.
Theo felt himself blush. “Everything’s fine. Er, I guess it’s fine. I’ve just been thinking a lot. About Hermione, I mean.”
Caldwell raised his eyebrows. “More so than usual?”
Theo resisted the urge to glare at the man. “Erm, I suppose. I think it’s just– we’ve been getting closer lately. And more… er, physical. Not in that way, though,” he rushed to add.
“You mean in a friendly way?”
“Yes. Well, friendly for her, maybe. But it’s just sort of messing with my head, I guess,” Theo said, purposefully looking anywhere but into his healer’s eyes.
“Ah, I see. Theodore, it’s important to understand that everything you’re feeling, especially when it comes to your attraction to Hermione, is completely natural,” he said. Theo wished the floor would open up and swallow him. “At the time when most people were going through puberty, you were in survival mode. You experienced a massive amount of trauma at that critical time in your life. Now, as you start to heal, those feelings might surface in ways that are new or unexpected.”
“It’s bloody embarrassing,” Theo mumbled. “I’m pathetic enough around her as it is. Now I’m going to have to hide the fact that every time she so much as breathes in my direction, I want to shag her bones off.”
Healer Caldwell smiled. “Who says it’s something you have to hide, Theodore? It’s just a sign that, perhaps for the first time in a long while, you’re beginning to feel safe enough to experience these emotions. She’s someone who has offered you kindness, warmth, and understanding. And that’s very powerful. But it doesn’t have to be complicated or turn into something that you feel guilty for. It’s just your mind and body responding to someone you trust. How can you be sure she doesn’t return those feelings?”
Theo looked at him in confusion. “She said she just wanted to be friends,” Theo said slowly.
“If I understand it correctly, Hermione set that boundary with you when it became clear to her that you might not be ready to engage in a relationship with her. She chose to step back and become your friend so she could continue to support you as you healed, but I don’t recall you ever telling me she had indicated that she had no interest in ever pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Is that correct?”
Theo pondered this. “I guess she didn’t say it would never happen. But I assume she would let me know if that had changed, right?”
Caldwell gave him a knowing look. “Perhaps she would, but remember Theodore, she was the one to put herself out there last time. Is it possible that she’s waiting for you to do the same?”
Theo frowned. “She said it hurt her, you know. I didn’t tell you this yet, but she told me that it felt like a rejection when I left her there that night. That she couldn’t help but feel like it might have been because she’s a Muggle-born, that I might not want her because of that. Even though she knows I don’t think that way,” he said, his throat constricting at the reminder of her words.
The healer nodded sympathetically. “I can certainly understand why she might perceive it that way at first, can’t you? It sounds like Hermione is protecting herself right now. As you know, it’s hard to be vulnerable with someone, especially when you’re not sure if they’re going to leave you hanging again. Perhaps she’s hoping you will be the one to let her know how you feel this time.”
The thought alone made Theo’s pulse quicken. “I want to– but it’s complicated. I know Granger is my pen pal, but I don’t know if she knows it’s me writing to her. What if she thinks it’s someone else, and she’s disappointed when she realizes it’s me?”
Caldwell chuckled a little, and Theo stared at him. “I apologize, I don’t mean to laugh, Theodore. It’s just that Hermione seems like a very intelligent young woman, don’t you think?”
“Yes. She’s the smartest person I know,” he said, confused.
“So wouldn’t a smart person like herself be able to put the pieces together by now? She knows what house her pen pal is in, their interests, their mannerisms. You’ve revealed personal details of your life, both through writing and in-person conversations. Surely, there’s some crossover there. Not to mention the fact that she happened to befriend you right around the time that you two began writing to each other. Either that is a very strange coincidence, or Hermione has known who her pen pal is for quite some time now,” Caldwell said, leaning forward in anticipation of Theo’s response.
Theo’s mouth opened and closed. “I just– it’s just really hard for me to believe she could actually want me,” he whispered.
“It’s not hard for me to believe, Theodore. You have a lot to offer, and I think Hermione sees that. It’s just going to be up to you to decide when it’s time to show her you’re ready for a relationship with her. If that time is not now, then so be it- that's perfectly fine. But if it is, I’d suggest you go for it,” the healer said, and Theo got the sense he was holding himself back from adding “before it’s too late.”
“There’s this dance in a few weeks. It’s supposed to be the time where the identities of our pen pals can be revealed if we choose. Should I tell her how I feel then?” Theo asked, heart already racing as he imagined what that would be like.
“Is that when you’d like to do it?” Caldwell asked.
“I dunno,” Theo said slowly. “It feels like a lot of pressure. And what if I tell her how I feel and she turns me down in front of the whole school?” His healer asked.
“You said the two of you have gotten to know each other well. Do you think Hermione would purposefully embarrass or hurt you in front of others?”
“No,” Theo said quickly. “She wouldn’t. I just keep jumping to the worst possible scenarios, but I’m also afraid I’m going to miss my chance with her if I don’t just go for it,” he said miserably.
“You don’t need to make a decision right this minute, Theo. You certainly shouldn’t jump into something you’re not ready for, but I think this sounds like it could be a healthy, wonderful relationship for you. I think once you allow yourself to accept Hermione’s feelings for you, the rest might fall into place,” Healer Caldwell said.
“If only it were that easy,” Theo mumbled.
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It took Theo nearly the entire day to answer the prompt, but he finally did it once he was alone in his room. He wondered if Hermione hadn’t answered because she’d been waiting for him to go first, sort of like what Healer Caldwell had explained.
Ah, this is a very loaded question for me. There’s a lot I’d like to say to you in person. I think I’d begin by saying some of the things I’ve already said to you on paper. It’s so much easier for me to be bold when I’m hiding behind this blasted notebook. Honestly, as embarrassed as I am to say it, I’m bloody terrified. You intimidate me– I know you don’t mean to, but you do. I’m afraid if you heard me say these things to you face-to-face, you might not want me.
His heart was racing as he waited for her response. After what felt like an eternity, her words began to appear on the page.
Would it help if I told you I was scared too, of the same things? Because I am. I have to ask, and I’m sorry if the question freaks you out– Mystery, do you think you’re going to want to meet me at the dance? I’ll understand if you’re not ready. I just want to know.
Granger had just asked the very question he hoped she wouldn’t– one he was still unsure of himself. He was so torn. He felt in his gut that Granger wouldn’t give him another chance if he let her down this time. Theo knew she would still be his friend; she wasn’t the type of person to turn their back on someone, regardless of how she felt about them. But it wasn’t enough for him. He’d waited most of his life for Hermione Granger, and he knew he’d hate himself if he didn’t seize the opportunity to be with her.
I’d like to. I’m fucking scared, but I want to. Do you?
I wouldn’t push for anything more than you’re ready for, but yes, I do. Very much.
Two more weeks. Theo had two more weeks to work up the nerve to stand in front of her and confess his feelings. Two more weeks of pretending to be okay with being her friend, of keeping a respectful distance. He just prayed he wouldn’t disappoint her again.