Chapter 10
Theo
Theo spent the rest of the afternoon in a daze, his cheek still tingling from the feeling of Granger’s lips. After spending the last twenty-four hours sulking and wallowing in self-despair, the speed in which Theo’s mood had shifted nearly gave him whiplash. He knew he’d behaved like a petulant child, snapping at Draco and then spending the better part of yesterday ignoring him– not to mention giving Granger the silent treatment. He thought of what Granger had written about trust yesterday– “it’s also about believing in someone, even when you don’t have all the answers. It’s about feeling secure enough to be vulnerable.”
He had jumped to conclusions so quickly, assumed the worst of his best friend and the girl he was in love with, and he knew it had come from his own insecurity. It was so hard for him to believe that someone like her could possibly want him, so it had felt like the natural order of things for her to end up falling for someone else– someone close enough to him that it would hurt even more. He still felt terribly guilty, and although Draco had accepted his apology without a second thought, he felt he still owed Granger another apology for his behaviour. At least, that’s what he told himself as he forced his unwilling feet to move towards her where she stood at the bar. The Three Broomsticks was especially crowded on this Friday evening, and he found himself glad for the loud buzz of voices around him.
“Granger,” he said, as he came to stand next to her. Conveniently, she seemed to be alone, and he wondered where her less-intelligent companions might be.
Granger’s face lit up when she saw him, which made him feel a bit wobbly on his feet. “Nott! I didn’t realize you were here,” she said.
“Yes, well, I had several other very tempting offers– highly exclusive events, you see, but I thought I’d grace you with my presence instead,” he said, wondering where the hell this sudden burst of confidence had come from.
Granger grinned. “Of course– I’m honoured, really,” she giggled.
Feeling encouraged by his success, he asked “Can I get you a drink?”
She bit her lip to stop from giggling again, and he followed her eyes to the completely full drink in her hand. Ah . Nice going, Theodore .
“And I was off to such a good start,” he mumbled, knowing his face was flushing.
“You’re doing great, Nott,” she said kindly, reaching over and brushing his forearm.
Theo had to close his eyes for a moment to keep from letting out a groan. He truly was pathetic– any semblance of self-control went out the window when she was nearby. “Theo,” he said, his voice thick.
“What?” She looked confused.
“Can you call me Theo? I’ve never been particularly fond of my last name,” he said, avoiding her gaze.
Granger tilted her head to find his eyes again. “Theo,” she breathed, and he felt goosebumps prickle his skin at the sound of his given name on her lips.
Theo gripped the edge of the bar to regain some of his composure. He had sought her out for a reason, he reminded himself.
“Granger–”
“Hermione,” she interrupted. “If I’m calling you by your first name, you’ve got to do the same.”
“Fair enough, Hermione,” Theo said, relishing in the feeling that he’d been granted the privilege of calling her by it. “I owe you an apology for earlier today. It was incredibly immature of me– I behaved like an absolute prat.”
“You mean when you thought I was secretly in love with Malfoy?” She said, and he saw that her lips were curled into a teasing smirk.
He supposed he deserved to be mocked just a bit. “Yes. It’s none of my business who you fancy, and I shouldn’t have reacted so poorly.”
“Do you want to make it your business, though?” Granger asked, fixing him with a heated stare.
Theo felt his throat dry once again, his mind completely blank as he struggled to form a response. “I–erm, I’d never presume to–”
“I’m just teasing, Theo,” she said, but he could see from her face that she had been at least partially serious.
Theo gulped, feeling like he’d just buggered things up especially badly. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this, as you can probably tell,” he admitted, hating how vulnerable he sounded.
Granger closed the distance between them, standing close enough that he could feel her jumper brush against his fingers. “You know, you don’t have to say all the right things, Theo,” she said gently.
Theo could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he nodded mutely, hanging on her every word.
“You’ve got a lot more to offer than you seem to realize,” she continued, her hazel eyes searching his. “And besides, I wouldn’t be standing here right now if I didn’t like being around you. You have to know that, right?”
Theo desperately wanted to look away, feeling like she had his darkest secrets laid bare in front of her. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, knowing he was only making things worse with his silence.
Granger seemed to understand what he was failing to convey, at least to some extent, because she reached up and brushed her hand against his cheek, resting it there for a few seconds as she continued to look into his eyes. Theo felt himself chasing the touch, turning his face slightly to lean into her hand almost involuntarily. “I–” he started.
“Nott? Oh, fuck–” a familiar voice shattered the moment, and Theo felt himself simultaneously relieved and furious.
Granger had jerked her hand away in surprise, but kept her eyes on Theo as Draco approached, as if reassuring him that she had meant every bit of it.
“Well, I’ve gone and pissed on your parade, haven’t I? So sorry, lovebirds,” Draco said, and Theo threw him a withering stare.
Granger was the first to speak. “It’s fine– unfortunately, I’m starting to grow accustomed to your ability to pop up at the worst possible times, Malfoy,” she joked, but her tone had a touch of annoyance. She turned back to Theo. “I should be going– my friends are probably ready to leave. Goodnight, Theo. Hopefully I’ll see you around this weekend?”
Theo nodded weakly. “Goodnight, Hermione. See you around,” he said, already mourning her absence as she turned to walk away.
After staring at the back of her for what felt like minutes, Draco’s snort broke the silence. “Merlin, you two really need to get a room,” he said, then took on an obnoxiously shrill voice that sounded nothing like Granger. “Goodnight, my sweet Theo– it pains me to leave you, but alas, I must.” Theo opened his mouth to tell Draco to shove it, but his protests only seemed to egg his friend on. “Goodnight Hermione– love of my life, light in the dark; I shall dream of you tonight,” he said, adopting a ridiculously deep voice.
“Sod off, Draco,” Theo snapped, not bothering to hide his irritation. “Hermione’s right, you really do have a gift for showing up exactly when you’re not wanted.”
Draco shrugged, unaffected by his friend’s words. “This pub is open to the public, you know. How was I supposed to know you two would be reenacting a bloody romance novel in the middle of a bunch of hormonal teenagers? I didn’t realize I’d be interrupting the world’s most bizarre staring contest. Also, what is this Hermione and Theo business? Since when are you two on a first name basis?”
Theo chose to ignore all of his friend’s questions as he followed him back to the table the group of Slytherins had claimed. He tried to participate in the conversation, maybe even more so than usual, but his mind was elsewhere. Did Hermione have feelings for him? Feelings for him , Theo– not just the faceless pen pal she’d gotten to know over the last two months? His infuriatingly determined inner-voice insisted that someone like Hermione Granger, Golden Girl, would never stoop so low, but what other explanation was there for her behavior? Granger was best friends with two boys, and Theo had never seen her caress their cheeks or stare deeply into their eyes. Actually, just the thought of her doing that to anyone else was enough for him to clench his fists in possessive anger. Gods, he needed to get a grip.
Just then, as if his mind had conjured her up, Granger was walking past his table with the living proof of her patience, Daft and Dafter in tow. She caught Theo’s eye as the trio headed towards the exit, giving him a smile and a wave. As he returned the gesture, he didn’t miss the fact that she completely ignored Draco, and it pleased him more than it should have.
“Right, so is anyone else wondering what the fuck that was about?” Pansy’s voice interrupted his regularly scheduled pining session.
Theo turned towards her, reluctant to acknowledge her words. Knowing Pansy, she had nothing particularly kind to say. “What are you on about, Parkinson,” he sighed.
“Why did Potter’s Mudblood just eye-fuck you? And what was that stupid little wave you just gave her?” Pansy demanded, loud enough for the tables around them to hear as she imitated the gesture Theo had just done.
“Watch it, Pansy–” Draco started to say, but Theo cut him off as he jumped out of his seat, spilling what was left of his drink and shattering the glass against the arm of his chair.
“Shut the fuck up, Parkinson,” he hissed. Pansy cocked an eyebrow at him, looking obnoxiously unbothered.
Suddenly, Goyle’s voice cut in as he placed an arm around Pansy. “Relax, Nott. Nothing wrong with a roll in the hay with a Mudblood now and then. No one’s going to judge you if you have to go dumpster diving to have a little shag–”
Theo felt his chest rising and falling rapidly, not caring that there were many eyes on him. “I swear to Salazar, Goyle, call her that one more time and I’ll hex your bloody face off,” he said, slamming his fist on the table.
“Damn, Nott, it’s nice to see you grow a pair for once,” Pansy smirked, fully aware that she had hit a nerve.
He could feel Draco yanking on his arm. “You’re bleeding, mate,” he was hissing. “People are staring.”
Shaking his friend off, Theo made a beeline for the door, knowing he would do something stupid if he stayed there any longer. Draco got up to follow him, but he shook his head, hoping he would get the message that he needed a moment alone to collect himself.
As he stepped outside, the blast of cool air seemed to calm his body just the slightest bit. He slumped against the wall, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this angry– at least, the last time he’d been angry enough to lose control like that. Gulping in the fresh air, he forced himself to uncurl his fists. He had no idea how he was supposed to walk back into that room and act as if none of that had just happened. How he was supposed to sit with the vile excuses for humans that were Parkinson and Goyle when–
“Theo?” The unmistakable voice of Granger said.
Fuck . He opened his eyes and found her standing in front of him, concern lacing her face. “Are you okay?”
“Grange– Hermione. What are you doing here? I thought you’d left,” he said uneasily.
“I did– er, I was going to, but I heard a little commotion right as I was walking out the door so I turned around to see what happened. I missed the beginning of your row, but Luna happened to be nearby and filled me in on what you did,” Granger said, biting her lip.
“I’m sorry you had to see that. I don’t normally behave that way, I swear–” he started, his heart sinking at the realization that Granger had witnessed his barbaric display.
“Why would you apologize? Theo, you just stood up to your friends for me. Why on Earth would I be upset at you ?” She demanded, her voice fierce.
Glancing down, she must have noticed the blood Draco had mentioned before. “Theo! You’re bleeding,” she gasped.
“I’m fine– it’s just from the glass,” Theo said nervously.
Before he could protest, Granger was reaching for his hand, stroking it gently. “Let me heal you?” She asked quietly.
“You don’t need to–” he began, but she cut him off.
“Please. I want to,” she said, eyes pleading.
“Okay,” he said, watching as she whispered the spell and waved her wand over his bloody knuckles.
She held onto his hand long after the wounds had disappeared, running her fingers up and down the spots she’d just healed. He wanted to drop to his knees, to beg her to touch him more, to touch him everywhere. Instead, he just whispered “I’m so sorry.”
Granger looked up at him, still cradling his hand in hers. “Why do you keep saying that? You have nothing to apologize for.”
He hung his head. “I don’t know. It wasn’t noble or whatever you think– I’m not proud of losing my temper like that. But the things they were saying–”
Granger stepped closer, her amber eyes burning. “I know what they said. And I know what you did. Do you know how attractive that was, Theo?”
Theo stared at her, his mind racing. “What?” He asked dumbly.
“I said,” Granger took a deep breath before stepping closer– close enough that he could feel the ghost of her breath against his neck. “What you just did was incredibly attractive to me.”
What was that famous Muggle saying? The ball was in his court . He knew this, and yet he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. He stared at her lips, his eyes tracing the shape of them. His brain begged his body to obey, to lean in and kiss her. He could smell her sweet, floral perfume, could hear her breath quickening as they looked at each other in anticipation, but he couldn’t budge. He could tell Granger wanted him to reach for her. She was practically begging for it, waiting for him to take the plunge.
After an eternity of silence, he finally managed to say “I’m sorry, Hermione.” And then, Theo did what he did best. He ran.
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Back in his dormitory, Theo fucking raged . He’d never lost control like this, never given into his more primitive urges with such abandon. He hurled objects everywhere; anything he could get his hands on, and when that didn’t scratch the itch, he punched a hole in the wall, just like his father used to. The memory gave him pause, however, and he didn’t do it anymore after that. Instead, Theo found himself summoning the communal Firewhiskey from the common room as he slumped against his bed, not bothering to conjure a glass.
He knew he was being melodramatic; he would’ve scoffed at any of his friends for behaving this way– surrounded by shattered glass, open books, tousled blankets, and nursing an entire decanter of Firewhiskey, but something about it felt cathartic to him. It felt better than curling up in bed and crying like a child the way he wanted to. Gods, he was angry. And he had no one to blame but himself. Why was he so hell-bent on self-sabotage? Why was he so determined to ruin what could very likely be the first and only good thing in his miserable life?
This was it, Theo knew. There were no more chances after this. Granger had blatantly told him she found him attractive, and he’d stood there staring at her like a bloody half-wit before quite literally running away. How was he supposed to face her after this? He would have to go back to pretending he didn’t exist, back to sitting behind her and memorizing the way her curls fell, the way her whole body tensed with excitement when she knew the answer to a question before throwing her hand in the air enthusiastically. This was precisely what Theo had feared when he’d allowed himself to get too close to Granger– that she’d realize he was a coward, that he was completely unworthy of her. The thoughts swirled in his mind as he tried to drown them with alcohol. Pathetic .
So, that was where his best friend found him roughly an hour later.
“Bloody hell, Nott,” Draco said as he hauled Theo to his feet, yanking the near-empty bottle from his hands. “The fuck is wrong with you?”
To his surprise, Theo found that the anger had mostly drained from his body, replaced with the all too familiar sense of self-pity. “I fucked it all up, Draco,” he said, displeased with the undignified way his words slurred.
“Shut up, Theo. You didn’t fuck anything up. Except maybe your room,” Draco said, glancing around in shock.
“I did, though. She wanted me to kiss her–” he slid back down the wall, landing awkwardly on his elbow. “She wanted me to kiss her and I fucking ran away.”
Draco scrutinized him, shaking his head. “I’m assuming you’re referring to Granger, yes?”
Theo looked at Draco, marveling at his stupidity even in his drunken stupor. “Obviously.”
The blonde gave him a look. “I figured as much. Clearly, you didn’t fuck it up as badly as you think you did, because she just ventured down to the bloody Slytherin dorms to come looking for you.”
Theo shot up. “Hermione’s here? Where is– why didn’t you tell me?”
Draco gently shoved him back down against the wall. “I told her to come back in the morning, Nott. She gave me quite the battle, but I assured her I had it under control.”
Theo attempted to get up once more. “Why would you do that– you have to let me see her, I need to explain–”
“Stop it, Nott. You’re not getting anywhere near her tonight– you’d hate yourself tomorrow if she saw you like this. I figured as much when it smelled like a bloody distillery within a five-foot radius of your room, so you’re welcome for saving you the embarrassment,” Draco said, yanking Theo to his feet once again and hauling him into his bed.
“I’m a bloody idiot, Draco,” Theo said, watching as his friend put his room back in order with a couple flicks of his wand.
“Yes, you are. Get some sleep, Nott. Here’s a Hangover potion for tomorrow– you’ll certainly need it,” he said before turning to leave.
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Theo was awoken the next morning by the sound of tapping against the glass of his bedroom window. Groaning, he rolled over, appalled at the way his head was aching, and grabbed the Hangover potion Draco had left on his bedside table. After gulping it down quickly, Theo turned towards the sound, noticing with curiosity that there was an owl at his window. He opened it up, giving the bird a gentle pat as he pulled the parcel from its talons. The brown feathered creature took off over the lake, and he glanced down to unroll the piece of parchment. With a lurch of his stomach, he immediately recognized Granger’s handwriting.
Good morning. Hope you’re feeling okay. Meet me in the library at noon?
-Hermione
Theo’s pulse quickened as he glanced up at the clock on the wall. Eleven. He had an hour to pull himself together. Praying that the Hangover potion was able to do most of the work, he jumped in the shower, grateful for the way the water washed away most of the reminders of last night’s poor choices. Reaching into his drawers, Theo pulled out a pair of plain black trousers and a dark green jumper. Glancing in the mirror, he ran his fingers through his hair and hoped for the best as he headed to the Great Hall to shove some sustenance down.
He approached the library anxiously, unsure of what he was walking into. This could very likely be the part where Granger told him she wanted nothing to do with him– she was definitely the type to feel like she owed him the dignity of a face-to-face conversation to let him down easily. He took a deep breath as he headed in, seeing Granger waiting for him at the table they’d sat at last time.
“Hi,” she said, smiling as he approached.
“Hello,” he returned, pulling out a chair to sit to her left. He eyed her nervously, waiting for what she wanted to say.
“About last night–” she began.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Hermione,” he interjected. “Please forgive me for behaving like even more of a tosser than I thought I possibly could.”
Granger looked at him gently. “It’s okay, Theo. You don’t need to apologize. There was a lot going on and– you have nothing to apologize for. Okay?”
He breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay.”
She looked a bit nervous as she began to speak again. “I care about you a lot, Theo. But–” Theo’s mind went blank. There was that word, but . He braced himself for the words that came next, knowing it would hurt like hell regardless.
“I think I might have moved a little too fast. I’d like to start over– at least for now. Is that okay? Can we just be friends for the time being?” She was looking at him anxiously, chewing on her lower lip the way she so often did.
Theo didn’t know what to say. He was expecting so much worse– he thought for sure she was going to tell him she didn’t want to see him anymore, but she was asking him permission to slow down. To be friends. For now .
“I– of course, Hermione. Of course we can be friends,” he said softly, looking at her in awe.
He saw the relief wash over her face. “Thank you. I’m so happy to hear you say that,” she said, reaching over and squeezing his hand.
Theo had to pretend her touch didn’t electrify every nerve in his body. Just friends . It was certainly more than what he’d started with– as someone she didn’t even know. He would take what he could get, he thought. Whatever it took to be close to her.