Chapter 2
Only a month left until I run away from this routine. Maybe I should start a countdown, and when it goes off I will start a new chapter of my life. Free of talks about the war, free of arguments and people pretending to be your friend. But who am I kidding, you don’t just stop talking about a war that ended recently. It will be a conversation starter for a few years in advance. Don’t know what to talk about? Talk about the war. Don't know what to agree on? Agree on the war. Don’t know why to be sad? Be sad because of the war. Many circumstances and in most of them the answer is simple – talk about the war.
As I watch the sunny days be replaced with a wind, blowing just enough to let the petals of flowers sway, I try to imagine what awaits me. Silent classes, without Ron or Harry whispering in my ear or passing notes under the table. One side of the sofa empty in the common room. Space for new Gryffindors at the house’s table in the great hall. Trips to Hogsmeade in silence. Sitting at Hagrid’s and drinking tea from cups, which are way too big for the average person. Would I miss those moments, when they filled the space by my sides? I don’t know, I need to experience their absence in order to understand what feelings might erupt.
I stood in silence. What was I doing in the Burrow so early? I have no idea. Standing against the wall I looked around. Maybe I was trying to take everything in, take a photo in my mind to remember later. I have so many of these you could start a folder. It wasn’t a job done in a second. You really needed to stare for a while to get the full picture. If you only looked for a second, you would notice a cramped kitchen. But I see a half drunk cup of coffee that Arthur couldn’t manage to finish before work. I see a plate on top of the crooked cupboard, full with a layer of dust. It was Fred’s favorite and George didn’t want anyone to use it, afraid that it would break. I see a handwritten cookbook that Molly started in hopes of giving it to one of her children when they grow up. Its pages are yellow from the tea that has been spilled on it, even though it hasn’t been open in ages. Molly doesn’t touch a thing that reminds her of her trials and errors while creating a family. How can she continue prospering in it when her family isn't whole? I see Ginny’s quidditch uniform folded up and put on the chair. She was supposed to put it away months ago, yet in those months she hadn’t even touched a broom. I see that Molly’s calming teas have been stocked up by Fleur, who was hoping it would help Molly to fall asleep in the night. She also slipped in a calming potion that someone could add to the drinks when Molly wasn’t looking. She didn’t appreciate our attempts in easing her. Yet those potions and teas are the only reason she has been resting more than an hour a night.
I could observe for a long time, always finding more details with backstories. But those thoughts were interrupted by the sun climbing in through the window. I wasn’t a morning person, but this is why I loved the early hours. The sun came in uninvited, touching everything in its way and leaving a gold trail behind. It surrounded the cup, making the remains of coffee on its rim brighter. It climbed into the plate, highlighting the difference in height of each speck of dust. It shed light on the cookbook, you could see neatly written letters on the pages. It soaked into the red fabric of the uniform, making the gold decorations stand out. It touched the jars full of tea leaves, leaving a shine on their shadows. It painted the room in a romantic haze, the one you would read about in a book when it finally reached a happy ending. Then why isn’t this house gifted with a happy ending? Like this haze would only be a mask for someone who came in and didn’t know the pain that empty chair near the table caused. ‘It’s only an empty chair, why do they care?’ they would think. But in their minds they would never imagine a red headed boy with freckles and a huge smile sitting there, sharing the same warm haze the sun gave off.
Maybe it is a life on different parts of the world. Here it’s warm and happy. Maybe we’re all stuck on the other side of life’s sea, where the waves are higher than our fears and winds make our boats turn around and come back to the same shore again. Then how do we reach the other side? How do we find the strength to swim across this deadly ocean of feelings? We seem to drown in it far too many times.
I blinked, noticing there really isn’t much to do around the house today. Still I don’t want to go back home now. Grabbing a blanket I walked out the back door into the garden. I followed the little path to the edge of the hill and went down to the lake. Maybe soaking in some sun would bring me some of that happiness. A handful would be more than enough. I sat down and taking off my shoes dipped my feet into the water. At first it stung, but soon became bearable and even relaxing. I flipped my hair back, letting the sunrays kiss my skin. It would make my freckles pop up more. They were something I was insecure about, but meeting the Weasleys I understood how beautiful they looked. I started accepting myself, still the war did have a hand in changing my appearance. I was skinnier, my face became a bit hollow and dark circles under my eyes followed me even with a full night of sleep. Still I had too little time to think about looks and taking care of them.
A funny idea popped up in my mind. It was like the Burrow was a vacation home. I spent most of my time here, and I will come back once the holidays are in action. I wondered if the Burrow would change in those few months leading up to Christmas. I still hadn’t figured out a plan on how to spend it. Of course it would be normal to spend Christmas with my parents, but I couldn’t abandon the Weasleys. Maybe I could talk my parents into coming here and welcoming the holidays all together. They know how much this family means to me.
But something didn’t make sense. The clouds were flowing way too fast for a summer morning. I’m sure they didn’t have a place to be at, so why the rush? Why don’t they stop and enjoy some of the last summer breezes? Maybe they knew more than we did, maybe something was about to happen. It made a little place in my heart tic, as if a bomb was about to set off. Still I buried that feeling inside, thinking the bomb was neutralized.
I wish I trusted that instinct more.
It was middle of august, a few days after celebrating Ginny’s birthday. Percy was going to come home soon, everyone missed him dearly. Maybe he would mix up these monotonous days. The sun had already left our sights, a flock of grey clouds formed overhead. They brought cold rain with them that soaked the ground. I tried to make the Burrow cozy, a place you would want to stay in during this kind of weather. I made sure it was warm, but still left a couple of blankets here and there for comfort. Found some magical board games and put them out for people to enjoy. I did lure some of them in. Ginny was laughing with George and Bill when Charlie got sprayed in the face with water after failing to detect the opponent’s ship in magical battleship. Their laughter brought a sense of ease. It was like hearing the best music in the world. I couldn’t help but smile myself. Ron hasn’t been around since Ginny’s birthday. I wanted to believe I didn’t care, but I couldn’t conceal that ache from thinking he started to spend nights in the hospital too. Molly was quietly knitting in a corner, lifting her eyes up to her happy children from time to time. The wrinkles around her eyes deepened from lifting her lip corners up. Arthur sat at the table, wearing his glasses and reading documents from work. The ministry needed to recover from the war, which meant that every employed person there had five times more work than before. Still he didn’t complain, he worked hard every day to bring the best for his family.
Errol came flying in, this time actually making it through the window. She caught everyone’s attention. Owls were rarely sent to deliver mail in these weather conditions unless it was urgent. I’m surprised she even made the trip. She spat the letter on top of the other documents Arthur had laid out in front of him. He opened the letter and started reading it while the rest of the house sat as on pause. His eyebrows furrowed more and more with each line he read. Suddenly he jumped up from his seat and addressed his wife.
“Molly, we have to go,” she rose up as soon as his mouth opened.
He helped her put on her cloak.
“Where are we going?” she asked, her eyes were wide, reminding me of a frightened child.
“The hospital, I’ll explain everything on the way,” we heard him say as he closed the door.
We were left inside. It seemed all the air escaped with them. No one talked, no one even breathed for a moment. We all looked at each other.
“What do you think happened?” George was the first to talk.
His voice was cautious, as if awaiting another tragedy to struck down. He always got like this when something unknown would happen.
“Maybe Auntie Muriel had enough of her pathetic life,” Ginny tried to lighten the mood. “She could’ve faked an injury, wouldn’t be the first time” she shrugged.
“I’m not sure that mum and dad would react like that if it was for her,” Bill took a guess, “they would’ve at least rolled their eyes or taken a deep breath.”
“Maybe Ron was found somewhere in Diagon Alley drunk, we hadn’t seen him for a while.” Charlie added a new person to the mix.
“Dad said they were going to the hospital, you toerag,” Ginny corrected him.
“I believe Ron was at the hospital for the last few days,” I added my version quietly.
Everyone looked at me. Something wasn’t right. The tic in my heart traveled up to my ears, ticking every few seconds.
“But he has been there so Lavender wouldn’t be alone, no?” George asked.
“He talked with Harry, something about helping her,” Ginny remembered, “but I don’t believe he went for it.”
“Even if he did, the hospital is full with professionals,” Bill seconded her idea.
He looked at me, trying to calm me down with his eyes. I nodded and turned back around to the food I was making. Still an uneasiness settled down making it hard to breathe.
We continued the evening, only now everyone was on the edge. We were sure that Molly or Arthur would send important news, we just had to wait to hear them. I was tensed up, straight as a string on an instrument. My hands were shaking, I spilled everything I had in them. The tic grew louder with each passing second. An anticipation which robbed me of my sharp mind. I wasn’t able to think nor talk. It felt like the world was about to crash down, with pieces of it falling apart already.
Hours passed. We all ate in silence, in reality just pushing the food around on our plates. No one had an appetite. Now all the coziness faded, only waiting filled every corner. A silvery blue spark travelled into the house, leaving a faint trail behind. A light blue weasel appeared in the center of the kitchen. We all locked eyes on it no matter how far someone was. The mammal shook its head, opening its mouth, then closing it again. When he spoke with the voice of Arthur Weasley it sounded tortured, painful.
“Ron is…” his voice was quiet. All of us held our breaths. “He’s…” He couldn’t find the words.
“There were some unexpected complications… The healers are doing everything they can but… it’s… it’s too late,” his voice broke.
George’s eyes were as wide as ever. Ginny was trying her best to breathe, even though she was slowly losing the battle with control. Bill shut his eyes, pressing his lips into a thin line. Charlie staggered, leaning against the wall with his hand. And I… Well I couldn’t seem to understand anything at this point.
“The healers are taking care of your mother, she fainted and her blood pressure is dangerously high.” He took a pause, unable to deliver clean sentences. “I’m with the administration trying to figure out what happened. I don’t know when we’ll be back. Take care of each other.” He wanted to disappear but stopped, “and remember that your mother and I love you all very much.”
The patronus disappeared.
The world came crashing down.
Ear ringing silence flew by before the sounds of cries followed. Ginny dropped to the floor, weeping and choking on her tears. George ran up to his room and slammed the door. I could see his face shinning as he rushed. Soon sounds of something breaking came from upstairs, you could easily tell he was punching the wall. Charlie went over and hugged his sister, holding her as if he would never let go. His face was distorted with pain. Bill sat down and buried his head in his hands.
The bomb ticking in my ears exploded, shattering every living part of me. I became so numb standing there, my eyes still fixed on the spot the little blue animal disappeared, I didn’t notice the rivers running down my face. My lungs were aching, pleading for air. But I couldn’t seem to take a breath.
I staggered out the door, my feet taking off as soon as the bare soles touched the wet grass. I ran not knowing the destination. A knot that was tide in my throat broke, even I couldn’t recognize my own voice. The rain was coming down, drenching my clothes that stuck to my body like second skin. It mixed with the tears on my face, carving out paths for them to roll down on. I cried into the dark night, with every part of me screaming.
I found myself at the lake. The one that once brought me light breeze and sunshine. The one that I came to for happiness. Now I came with questions I would never have the answers to and with a pain that would never be dulled. How the hell could he just leave? How the fuck could a death be so subtle and calm? Like he just sat with us, stood up and left through the door never to come back. And the most pathetic thing is that it hurt way more. I almost wanted it to be this dramatic massacre of feelings. The one where you’re surrounded with screams. But this calmness drove me out of my mind. It made me insane, tearing every ridge of my brain apart. How could he just die, like it meant nothing? How the fuck was I supposed to deal with it? I raised my eyes up, as if god could come down from that darkness and take me away. My sadness turned into anger.
“I fucking told you!” I screamed to the sky. I screamed as if Ron was sitting up there and could hear my breaking voice.
I felt the ground underneath me, my feet couldn’t hold me any longer. I grabbed onto my chest as if that would ease the pain. I cried because he left. I cried because this wonderful family doesn’t deserve this. I cried because the world was so fucking unfair.
It started to thunder, the nature was mirroring my anger. I wanted revenge, I wanted him to feel what I felt. But how could he feel the pain I felt, if it was caused by his leaving.
A part of me was glad the older siblings were home. Charlie would hold Ginny, let her sleep in his arms if it came to it, before Harry would take over. At least I hoped he would. Bill would go up to calm George down. I’m sure he was mad at the world too. All that was left for me to do was drown in this pain I did not know was possible.
As the wave of emotions came crashing down over and over again my body went numb, my mind went blank. I couldn’t make out shapes in the distance, probably because I was staring at the abys of darkness before me, questioning whether or not it would claim me. I wanted it to go inside my body, to take over all the nerves and for one moment just to let me breathe. My lungs still spazmed, as if racing my heartbeat.
I looked around. Only tiny droplets falling down.
I looked forward at the dark water that reflected my image.
It felt like I had traveled to the other side of the world, leaving the happy and sunny place behind. For as I did not see it in the future. I knew that place was only heaven, too far out of reach. Now I sat on a high cliff with the ocean of feelings underneath. The fog became so thick I started to doubt if anything awaited on the other side. Everything I knew, it all drowned in the middle, taking away my sanity with it. I could try to retrieve it, but fear paralyzed me when I stood in the water and couldn’t even see my feet. All that bravery, stocked up over the months was scattered to the winds, blowing in directions I did not know the names of. The world began to fall apart. Sand molecules rose in the air as the shore disappeared right in front of me. Soon there would be nothing left.
But what can be left, when there was nothing at the start?
I let myself weep for as long as I needed. I knew that going back wouldn’t make things easier. God knows how long I sat there, trying to keep myself from falling apart all the way.
I didn’t hear anyone approaching, but a cloak was placed on my weak shoulders. Hands wrapped around me as I understood that all sound was sucked out of my head. Only whispers of wind were blowing there. A shine of blonde hair sparkled before my eyes as I was pulled close into an embrace. While I watched out for the Weasleys, Fleur watched out over me. She cradled me in her thin arms, knowing that I in fact did finally break. She didn’t talk, didn’t try to calm me down. Just held on so I could feel the warmth radiating off of her, since I couldn’t find the fire that once burned within me.
The clouds parted, clearing some of that darkness. I did not care for it however. I only noticed it since Fleur started to speak.
“We should go inside, you’re freezing.” Her voice was like silk, flowing off of her tongue.
Was I freezing? Or was I shaking from the shock this world had drenched me in? Either way it didn’t matter, there’s no greater pain than the one Ron’s leaving caused. I did feel cold, but it seemed natural, almost necessary.
Fleur tried to help me get up, but I could only express a wooden performance on my part. When I staggered on my feet that had already gone to sleep, she lead me back and up the hill. Now both of us were wet and silent. When we came in she tried to push me further into the room, hoping I would plop onto a couch. But I found I’d rather stay on the ground. Turning to the nearest wall by my side I slid down and hugged my knees. It was quiet inside, only from time to time you could hear someone sniff their nose. Deadly silence took over. Funny, how many deadly things can we encounter in a day?
When I managed to look up Fleur was crouching in front of me, speaking. Her eyes were red from tears too, still the veela in her shinned through as the teardrops only decorated her long black lashes. I saw her mouth move, but I could only hear gibberish. I couldn’t make out words, but her facial expressions gave away the same information she wanted me to hear. She was worried for me, probably asking if I wanted anything. I scanned the room – nothing. Everyone must’ve went up to their rooms. Gosh, I hoped they weren’t alone, since now I couldn’t offer a shoulder to cry on. I just closed my eyes and leaned my head back. I was covered with a blanket in all attempts to help me from getting sick. After that I was left alone.
Minutes, hours, time passed. I might have drifted off and woken up about a dozen times. In the same place, sitting completely still as if I was a statue. I lazily opened my swollen eyes. Now Bill and Charlie were here. My guess would be that Ginny had cried out all her strength to the point of falling into a deep dreamless sleep. George might have wanted some time alone. Charlie was sitting on the couch, looking down at his hands. Emotions were swiped off of his face, only a dead look in his eyes remained. Bill looked at Fleur, who was working in the kitchen, touching her lovingly as a silent communication. A tragedy was painted on his face too, I wondered if he was thinking about his future family and children. Fleur worked fast as a machine, trying to find anything to do so she wouldn’t need to sit down and think. She caught my glance, but I turned my eyes away. A fog of grief had clouded my mind, as if I never knew what loss felt like before. ‘Nice to meet you, loss, I wish you wouldn’t exist.’ I felt insane, talking to myself in my mind. Truth is I didn’t want to talk to anyone around me. I felt that even if one word came out I would be caught in a flu of emotions once again. And vomiting words into someone’s face didn’t seem like the right kind of comforting. Especially now, that I’ve lost all my speaking abilities. I could only scream fluently in pain.
A light came in, but it wasn’t the same sun. It was an unknown being, trying to deprive us of that darkness that I held on in hopes this nightmare would end. Or maybe I was holding on for dear life, since I knew that this nightmare would become true as soon as the light came. I felt tired, betrayed, angry, sad, depressed. Imagine every bad feeling in the books and putting them into one person. I was that person.
“Hermione,” someone shook me gently, almost whispering my name.
I opened my eyes and found Charlie sitting in front of me. I was still on the ground, and those bad feelings were still here. My head hurt, pressing on my temples. My throat was dried out, scratching my vocal chords as I tried to make a sound.
“What…” I stopped. What was I supposed to say?
“It’s okay,” he whispered, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.
“It’s not…” I answered silently.
It’s like we all gave up on life. There was no more strength to move forward. Charlie sighed.
“Where are the others? What time is it?” I asked looking around.
“Ginny is sleeping, George is in his room. Bill and Fleur went to check up on mum and dad, later they will pick up Percy from the train station.”
“Does he know?” I knew how hard these news would affect the Weasleys.
Charlie nodded and I took a breath.
“Why is this happening?” I asked the nothingness in front of me.
“Life does what it wants,” Charlie replied to my question.
“Does Harry know?” I looked up at him.
“Yes.”
“Well, where is he?” I was cautious.
“I don’t know, he wanted to be alone I guess.” Charlie shrugged.
I closed my eyes. Felt like gravity was pulling down harder than most days. I just wanted to lay on the ground and nothing else.
“C’mon, let’s get you something to eat,” Charlie extended his hand to me while standing up.
“Thanks, Charlie, but I’m not hungry,” I said in a dead voice.
“You should chew on something, you haven’t eaten anything since last evening.”
I looked to the window. The sky was painted in orange and yellow colors. They reminded me of his hair. They also reminded me that night was about to fall.
“How long was I sleeping here?”
“Pretty much the entire day. We wanted to move you somewhere more comfortable, but Fleur said to leave you alone.”
“How’s everyone?” I looked for hope in his eyes, hope that at least someone was doing a bit better. But his answer didn’t bring joy.
“Well, George is furious and heartbroken. Ginny… Ginny is in shock. Bill and I just find it hard to believe it.” He sat down in front of me, leaning back against the table’s leg. “It just happened so unexpectedly… Like all was too calm for something so tragic.”
“I want to be so mad at him, but I just can’t…” It was hard to find my voice. “A part of me says it was expected from the beginning. That something would follow up that friendship.”
Then I remembered a crucial detail.
“Charlie, as far as I know, Ron was helping Lavender. Did she…” I couldn’t find the appropriate ending to that question.
“She’s fine.” He cut off, she was the last person he’d want to talk about right now.
“Got it.”
It wasn’t uncommon for us two to talk. Charlie was a very friendly person, the only problem was that most of his friends were in Romania.
“How are you holding up?” He asked carefully.
When I looked up at him I noticed two eyes, full of concern. He was always like a big brother to me, especially after this summer when we got to know each other better. Fleur was like a big sister. But Charlie carried this calmness which you couldn’t find in Fleur’s sharp and defined features and moves. He was like a big bear, just waiting to give a hug away. He was simple, the kind of simple where he didn’t need a lot for his life to be fulfilled. The kind of simple where he wouldn’t question anything and help his family and friends. The kind of simple when I, a family friend, was like a family member, a sibling with a different surname.
“I’m broken.” I was telling the truth. What was the point in lying about how I feel? Anyone could sense it was going to be a disaster.
“At night I tried to fall asleep, hoping I would wake up and Ron would walk in through that door.” Charlie was calm, collected.
“It seems our reality is way too cruel,” I concluded.
“Are you having doubts about the future too? Or is it just me?” He looked at me, brown eyes that followed this family’s genes soaking into the depths of my soul.
“Could you be more specific?” I asked.
“Well… I don’t know,” he brushed his hand through his ginger hair. “I’m afraid I’ll look like a coward because of these thoughts.”
“Charlie, right in this moment you have every right to be scared, frightened or a coward. Your family has been put through a journey not everyone would be able to outlast.”
I liked our heart-to-heart communication. I never felt the need to hide the truth from him. He would usually understand, and if he didn’t – he wouldn’t judge.
“I’m starting to feel like in a game. I had a dream about it.” He swallowed, “all of my family members were in a game. Then, one by one we were picked out and killed, taken away forever.” He looked up at me, a tear rolling down his left cheek. “What if it keeps going? What if after a month another one of us leaves, never to return again? I tried to find the reason why, but always kept circling back unable to get the answers. Why would the universe punish us in a way so brutal that your blood freezes over? I can’t imagine what mum feels… It’s her children, her DNA. Her pride and joy that turned to sadness and hurt.”
“I don’t blame you for thinking this way.” I let the air inside my lungs escape. “But I’d rather not think about another tragedy awaiting. We must keep each other close and if we see someone drifting away we must make sure they’re okay.”
“Easier said than done. I’m pretty sure you tried to talk Ron out of it, didn’t you?”
“I did, but he stopped listening to me a long time ago,” I said with pain in my voice.
“Were you two close? Because I could never figure that out. One moment he’s by your side and the next you’re not talking to each other.” His curiousness was never in the way. Even if Charlie did bring up a subject that was avoided, you felt the desire to talk it out.
“To be honest I never knew where we stood myself. One thing was for sure – I could never replace that empty space in his heart that Lavender left.”
“I’m sorry… It must be unbearable when a person you thought would be the main thing in your life leaves so early.”
I shook my head.
“I didn’t think he would be the main thing in my life, not for the last couple of weeks. It hurts because I spend so much time getting used to his ways and accepting him. I feel at a loss. What are you supposed to do, think and feel when the one you learned to love leaves for someone else?”
He was silent for some time, leaving room for those feelings inside.
“I’m sure you wish to never see Lavender again.” And he was right, I didn’t want to see her face.
“I have more important things to worry about now,” I wiped my tears away.
“And what are those ‘more important things’?” He squinted his eyes.
“Getting myself together and helping your family. How am I supposed to help when I’m weak?”
He looked at me with a warm gaze.
“Hermione,” when he spoke his voice was soft and caring, “you don’t need to feel guilty for being weak. You’ve been brave and strong for longer than you needed. Stop acting like you’re a soldier who has only one porpoise. You are a part of this family and we should be there for you as much as you’ve been there for us.”
More tears filled my eyes. Charlie always made sure I felt important.
“Thank you, Charlie, that means a lot to me. It’s just I can’t let myself feel the grief because then it would be too hard to fight it.”
“Then don’t fight it. Let it settle down and get lost in all other things inside. That’s where it’s supposed to be.”
I looked at him, full of gratitude. I never had any siblings in my childhood. It so happens that life granted me some of the best brothers and sisters.
The next days were agony. Percy came home, his presence meant the world right now. Ginny was quiet, so was George and Bill, and Charlie…And Arthur… Molly was trying her hardest to hold on, but the grieving took away her strength and her health became worse. She had to drink several potions a day to make sure her body kept on working.
Percy tried to distract everyone. He talked about his traveling, where he was and what he did. Ginny listened, so did everyone else. There was nothing more left to do.
Harry felt entitled to the bad feelings following the loss. It made him an asshole in my head. How could he claim the pain that he didn’t even bear all the way? For example, Molly was hurting way more than him. Ginny understood this and they had an argument. It was probably the first time he heard her shouting so loud. At least her heartbreaking voice brought him to his senses. He stopped acting weird and joined us here, in the Burrow. Now he talked to the others more, never letting Ginny go.
I had a pretty good understanding in healing, so I helped Molly with the potions she needed to drink. It was a calm evening. I sat at Molly’s bedside, she just finished eating.
“A drop of Calming Draught,” I always talked with her while helping.
Maybe it looked like I was caring for a child, but she needed to hear someone’s voice.
“And I added that spoonful of Dreamless Sleep Potion to your tea, so make sure to drink it all,” I completed my work and started to gather up dishes.
“You are a miracle,” her quiet voice cut through the silence.
I looked back at her. She was clutching the cup in her hands. Finally she didn’t object to potions that would help her.
“I’m not, I’m just trying my best,” I said softly, touching her outstretched hand.
“I like to believe that you and Harry were sent to my life for the children I’ve lost,” she said in a sad voice.
“We aren’t a replacement, but we are family that will stay close.” I fixed her words, deep down knowing what she actually meant.
“Well then god blessed me with an amazing family,” she smiled and took a sip.
She never believed in god, until now. It was hard seeing her so weak. But I told myself that every day we are helping her get better.
I left the room, silently closing the doors. I put the dirty dishes in the sink and used a charm to wash them. Silent footsteps came from the stairs. I looked back and saw Harry, standing awkwardly in the shadows.
“Is everything alright? Where’s Ginny?”
It was a normal question to ask at this point. He never left her alone. And I tried to come back to the strong Hermione I was before, only breaking down when no one was looking. And yes, I broke down every single time.
“She fell asleep,” his voice was calm.
I nodded.
“Are you hungry?” I asked, glad that he acted as a family member now.
“A bit.”
“Then come and sit down.”
He slowly sat down at the table and I put a bowl of hot soup in front of him. He started sipping on the liquid.
“Do you know where Mr Weasley is?”
“At work, he had something come up.”
I tidied up the kitchen and poured another bowl.
“It’s hard, losing a friend.” I’m not sure whether Harry was talking to himself or me.
“Yeah, I know.” I said.
“I doubt it. It seems you have it quite easy.” He said, and those words made my blood boil.
I put the bowl down, hitting the countertop harder than I wanted, and turned to him.
“Oh, really? Just because I choose to not show my grief doesn’t mean I don’t experience it.” My tone was sharp. He kept looking at me like he didn’t agree.
“Whatever you say,” he didn’t want to argue.
“Harry, he was my friend too. We were all friends. Why do you keep forgetting this fact?”
“Maybe because I had a stronger bond with him.” His tone was climbing too.
“That’s because you shoved me away!” a shout escaped from my tongue.
“Because you were speaking nonsense!” he started shouting too.
“Nonsense?! Was it nonsense that I didn’t want to get stuck on the past?! That I didn’t want to drown myself in sorrow?! Harry, the war is over, why are you still trying to change something?”
“Because I had only one choice, and it brought consequences I can’t stand!”
I stopped. The same problem occurred, he hadn’t changed.
“Harry, did anyone ever told you that you were at fault? That they blamed you? No. Because everyone sees you as a fucking hero, without who we all would’ve been swept off of this world.” I started waving my hands in the air, “has anyone ever said that you were the only one who suffered from the consequences? Look around – everyone had a part of them destroyed in that fight. You are not the only one who feels sad. You are not the only one carrying that burden of lost.” I was breathing heavily at this point. “When will you grow the fuck up and understand that it’s not you against this growing feeling of despair. It’s all of us standing on the same side of that battle. And you are the most important person – the one who stopped the fighting for good. How do you dare still take the blame and act like it’s only you who suffers?”
I looked at him, while he stared me down. I could tell by the look in his eyes that I got to him. Finally.
I took the bowl and ran up the stairs before he had a chance to say anything else. But I stopped in front of the door. Déjà vu feeling took over me as I knocked and carefully opened it.
George was lying in his bed, turned away and facing the wall. He was hugging a pillow so hard his knuckles turned white.
“George…” I put the bowl down and sat on the edge of the bed.
I touched his shoulder gently.
“You really should eat something,” my voice was soft and quiet.
He just shook his head.
“Please? I don’t want you to starve.”
Still nothing.
“I know it hurts…” My voice broke as tears came from nowhere and traveled down my face.
That time he did turn around. His face was red and wet. He looked at me and my heart broke as I saw all of those feelings in his eyes. He was suffering.
“Do you want to hug someone who’s not a pillow?” I asked with a small smile.
He let go of the pillow and hugged me across the shoulders. George was my other brother, making sure that a smile would be on my face at least few times a day. He was the jokester, the humor of this family. But he also was the quiet. I hugged him back, holding him as his shoulders started to twitch.
“How did we get back here?” He talked into my sweater.
“I have no clue… It feels like now I should be the one asking if grieving gets easier. It hit me harder the second time, I wasn’t ready for it.”
He straightened back, wiping away some tears with the back of his hand.
“Imagine having an injury. It hurt the time you got it, but now it’s healing. Now imagine something hitting that same place over again while it hasn’t healed yet.” He tried to explain.
“That sounds horrible…”
“I started to think maybe someone cursed us, the way they do in the muggle world.”
“I don’t think so,” I tried to calm him down. “It’s just an array of events that are out of our control.”
“Do you have any stupid speculation to take your mind away from it all?” He turned to me.
Just looking at him brought pain. This boy has been through so much.
“For me it feels like a net of desperation came down on us. No matter how hard I try to cut the corners and lift it up, the other side remains firmly stuck in the ground.” I looked at my hands. I picked at them from the stress and now they were covered in little scars around my fingernails. I need to remember to heal them when I go home. “I just decided to turn everything off since being a person is a bit too much to endure these days. I let it all out when I’m alone.”
He sat quietly next to me.
“Ron was supposed to help me run the shop…” he said quietly.
At that moment my heart dropped to my heels. George wasn’t only in pain, he felt like he let down both of them – Ron and Fred. He tried so hard to stand up and live so his brother could be proud. It all fell apart again.
“I won’t lie, I’m having a hard time finding the right words to say these days.” I was being honest.
“You don’t need to say anything, you being here helps enough.”
My eyes turned to him.
“You have no idea what I would give away just to take some of that pain of yours away,” I whispered.
“You have enough on your own shoulders, you shouldn’t carry everything on your own.”
The doors opened slightly, Percy’s head stuck out through the crack.
“There you are. I just wanted to thank you for the meal, Hermione.”
“No problem, Percy. I’m glad you enjoyed it. There’s some more left in the kitchen.”
His face light up with a smile as he closed the door and scurried down the stairs.
Yet another funeral. Aren’t you supposed to enjoy summer? It should be the happy and sunny days, when you do what you want and just enjoy life. But here we are, all gathered and dressed in black. Arthur is holding Molly, while she’s on her knees crying out for her lost child. George is further back, he can’t contain his tears too. Bill stands with Fleur, his hands wrapped around her waist. Both of their facial expressions are grey. Harry is holding Ginny, who is close to falling to the ground like her mother. Charlie is standing on the other side, ready to take care of his sister in need. I stand on the opposite side, looking over the entire frame. The details of today’s image don’t look comforting. Many people are standing around the grave, but I care too little about them to try to remember who they are. Faces distorted by pain and sorrow surround the place. If you would look from high up above, you would only see a black dot. No one dares to speak. Few hold handkerchiefs, to collect the tears. Lavender holds a teddy bear close. She got it from Ron while she was in the hospital. I remember seeing him carrying it while leaving the Burrow. I want to believe Fred’s souls also came to this unfortunate event, since his grave is a few feet to the side. It has many candles burning, even some of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes products.
Unwillingly I take another photo in my mind.
This is how I will remember the last of you. I will remember you from the ginger hair in contrast of the black clothing. I will remember you from the freckles on faces of the ones that cry for you. I will remember you from the blue skies today that try to imitate the color of your eyes. I will remember you from the smile I see in your family members sometimes.
I look up and notice Harrys face. It’s dead and tired. His tears have already dried up. I’m sure only now he’s beginning to understand that he’ll have to live without his best friend. Ron won’t be there to talk about battle strategies. Ron won’t be there to listen to his thoughts. Ron won’t be there to back him up in an argument with me. I looked at him, feeling sorry for my friend.
“Don’t worry, Harry,” I said in my mind, “this one really isn’t your fault.”