Chapter 3
What is grief? It’s an intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.
There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Well, according to the scientists who wrote that, I’m not normal. I jumped over the first stage, diving deep into the second one. The day after the funeral I sat on my bedroom floor thinking why. Why was it so easy to believe that heartbreaking fact? After some thinking I came up with two conclusions. The first one is that Ron was dead to me on the inside for a long time. I buried my forced feelings over and over again, always digging them back up in hopes they could come to life. It’s the same as digging up a skeleton, believing it will be a normal person once again. I let my heart grieve for him all those days he was with Lavender instead of home at the Burrow. It hurt back then and it was unbelievable back then. It took time but I started to believe it, so now it was a faster process. The second conclusion is that Ron prepared me for this. It’s like his growing anger issues that spilled out on me were pushing me away. Maybe it was his way of saying goodbye. But I got used to it, to him not being there anymore. He did this himself. It’s because of his own actions that I didn’t even have a speck of doubt. It was simple – he was just gone, and that was just the truth. And, oh boy, was I angry. If he would’ve walked through that door I might’ve just killed him myself. I was mad because he didn’t listen, because he acted stupid. I was furious because he didn’t care the way he should’ve, and I’m not even talking about me. Even if I was a zero in his scale, I would’ve sat there at the bottom without making a sound. I was angry because there, sitting at the bottom I looked to my right and saw his entire family on the same level. I was angry because he threw it all away.
Then I was smart enough to jump over the third stair, welcoming the same sorrow from number four as I did before. I had nothing to bargain with. I told myself long ago that he didn't deserve me to ruin my life for him. Maybe I had a lot to offer for the bargain, but I wanted nothing in return. I couldn't make up anything that would help me now. I couldn't make up anything that would be worth it. Funny, dad said I was never good at bargaining. I always followed the rules too strictly. This habit kept my brain safe from going into endless one-sided conversations about bargaining with the air in front of me. I was somber, but I wasn't crazy. I was sad leading up to this, I am sad during this, and I will be sad after this. The only thing that's different is that with this 'depression' state you didn't only feel sorrow. It hurt from the inside - that was the hardest part. Like every thought that popped up in your head was a new needle poking at you. And sitting at home, with the moon leaving a trail of light on the walls, those thoughts kept multiplying to the point there wasn't a place a needle wouldn't hurt. That's why I would sit still. I would often sit still and look straight. I never saw anything by the way, just didn't want to be left alone with that darkness my eyelids carried. Someone figured out this tactic of mine. Now Charlie, George, Ginny and Fleur knew that if I was sitting still and not blinking - it was bad inside. I would sit so still that my muscles would start hurting. God forgive me if I moved, then I'd be met with a wave of pain. The silent tears flowing from my eyes dulled the pain, but only until they dried out.
As for acceptance - I really don't have much to say. Maybe the effects for this step will appear in the future. As for now I feel… I feel like I do and don't accept at the same time. I accepted the fact he's not here anymore. I accepted that he won't help his family, he won't crack a joke or talk with his siblings and parents. I accepted that I won't see him again. But I can't accept that I lost a friend. I can't because he was one of a few of them I had. I can't accept that everything happened because of his feelings for her. I can't accept that he left us because of his feelings for her. He left me because of his feelings for her.
And, once again, I felt stuck in-between two universes. One of them was the present day – me now. Yet the other was a life that could have been. I have no idea why I started to think about these things right now. I thought about what would be if this was a ‘normal’ life, I was a ‘normal’ girl and that would’ve been a ‘normal’ relationship. In other words – if there wasn’t a magical world. If the muggle world was all that was left. I would probably be jamming out to break up songs, just to cry the next moment. I would tell myself what an amazing boy-friend Ron was and how much I’ll miss him. I would tell the girls that what we had was special and that I’ll never forget him. I would be the one clutching a cheap teddy bear to my chest that he would’ve bought me for Valentine’s Day. I would keep an old photo of us awkwardly hugging under my pillow, hoping that he would visit me in my dreams.
But I don’t feel that. None of it. I don’t talk to myself about what an amazing person he was, I don’t talk about him to others too. Maybe I’d be considered selfish, but I don’t feel like I’m missing him that much too… I miss seeing him as a part of the Weasley family, that’s it. I don’t wish for him to visit me in my dreams. I just don’t need him…
I must admit, I am very scared. But not for the reasons you would think. I don’t want to cause negative thoughts among the Weasleys, but the idea that I don’t feel very different without Ron here is terrifying. My heart flickers not because of the loss or the longing, but from fear of what someone else will say or think about me if they find out. I’m scared it will look like disrespect. And, to be honest, I don’t know how to go about this.
One day passed. Then – the next
A week, and some more.
I was met with the realization that my trip to Hogwarts would be happening in a few days. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Everything came and passed so fast. I thought I was okay, but I was wrong. I got caught up in the spiral trap of time.
With the minimal yearning and the easy-flowing life following the loss I thought I’d be fine. Then reality decided to play tricks on me. Yes, my feelings have been extinguished like wildfire, yet the dangerous mixture of sorrow and confusion flowing through my veins, poisoning my blood held me back. I thought about him more than I liked, though this didn’t grow my longing. I thought about how his life would have evolved, what would he work and what kind of house he would have. I thought about me attending his wedding, only as a guest of course. I couldn’t see myself at the altar, wearing a pearl white dress with a bouquet of flowers in my trembling hands. Not with him. I thought about how many children he would have, and who would they resemble. I imagined Molly finally finding peace at heart with her grandchildren in her arms. I imagined even I would play with those little kids, the same as I do now with Teddy.
I visited his grave. I lit a candle every time I was there. I would stand there, looking at his name engraved on the tombstone, thinking about what to say. In those moments I feared to say too little or too much. Every time I would open my mouth and start speaking about the adventures all three of us had, I would shut up. Feelings would get the best of me, breaking down, my face wet from tears. From the side someone could think I was grieving for a boy, a friend. But that wasn’t the case. I cried because my consciousness was slowly deleting our memories. I couldn’t remember the vivid details following our conversations, the way I remembered everything else. I had a good memory, nothing slipped past my eyes. But now it was beginning to fade.
I forgot what his voice sounded like, what he said. I forgot how that happiness felt when we were younger. But the worst part was everything was fading from my favorite moments. Call me a freak, but at the end of every day I would recall the day and pick out my favorite moments to repeat in my head. As if I drew a line of the day’s passing time and mark a dot on the most pleasing events. Now it felt like someone took an eraser and erased those lines, starting from the simple dots that had the most meaning. That would leave me sobbing at the cemetery, realizing that my own mind was cleansing my head of his toxic behavior I endured. But my head didn’t know me well, that’s why it couldn’t distinguish the good memories from the bad, so, everything disappeared.
I worked myself off, giving all of me to the Weasleys. I was filling these shoes of expectations nobody but me set. Was I trying to fill the empty space of a son, a brother? I could never do that… And I hated myself for it. I hated that I couldn’t make everything good again even if I understood it was not in my hands to fix. I cleaned and baked, and took care of everything. Yet, at the end of the day I was left unsatisfied. Like I could’ve done more. Fleur was working hard too, only her presence resembled more of a delicate swan, whereas I resembled a clumsy cat, like Crookshanks. She would often ask and even demand that I would take some time off and relax. I never found the right words to explain that I couldn’t stop this race against life I started. I was racing for a better future for the Weasleys, for Molly’s wellbeing, for the Weasley sibling smiles. Even Harry noticed it.
“Hermione, take a break. You’ve been working since the morning…” he spoke so softly I wasn’t sure it was him. I hadn’t noticed how dark it got outside, I’ve been so caught up with my dosing off.
“I can’t, I need to finish.” I answered, using all of my last energy to portion, label and put away the new batch of fresh Calming Draught and Dreamless Sleep Potions for Molly.
“Hermione,” Harry took me by the hand and I turned to him, “leave it. We can finish the work for you. You need to rest, you look awful.”
And he wasn’t lying. In the reflection on his glasses I saw my face, but I wouldn’t call it that. My face had become pale, only dark circles outlining my eyes like a panda. My hair, that was detained and put in a tight bun in the morning, was now disheveled and sticking out like antennas. What signal was I trying to catch? The calmness of my mind couldn’t be achieved.
So, here I was. Packing my trunk for a new school year. All the books and potion making supplies neatly found their places near the hopes of finding my own peace. I was impatient about Molly’s grief that took so long to go away, but now I understood her. Maybe it wasn’t longing or the loss of a close member that fueled my disturbance. It was the pieces of me scattering back on the ground every time I thought I got it all back together. I prayed that something would take my mind of things, helping me to move on from this shutdown. But how was I supposed to achieve it? Making new friends? How the hell would I do that, taking into account that it was my final year? Gosh, I think this will have to be another impromptu performance.
A picture fell out of a book I was handling. I picked it up and three faces stared back at me. A girl with bushy brown hair, brown eyes and large front teeth. Next to her was a smiling boy with a thin face, black hair and bright green eyes. On his left stood another boy - tall, thin and gangling, with freckles and a long nose. My smile was unrecognizable, Madam Pomfrey is to thank for that. My hair had been tamed by now, finding the natural curl in it. Still, when I looked closer, I could see the lie behind those brown eyes. That girl was happy, I’ll give you that. But she was suffering from thoughts of not being enough, from fear that one day these only friends of hers would leave. I’m so glad I underwent that parting later and that little girl could be happy having her best friends around for a bit longer. As time passed, still staring at the photo, I understood the hard truth – nothing would replace the friendship we had once. New things could only cover up or push it down to the deepest parts of my brain. Yet nothing and no one that stepped in wouldn’t fit those silhouettes.
Back at Kings Cross station. Standing on the platform Nine and Three-Quarters, getting ready to step on the train for one of the last routes to Hogsmeade station. My parents were catching up with the Weasleys, talking dearly as if they were friends from childhood. George helped me with my trunk. Ginny sobbed into Harry’s shoulder while he looked around cautiously. Students from different years moving around, shouting and laughing.
“Ginny, we have to go,” I carefully approached the couple after hugging goodbye with my parents.
Ginny nodded and recoiling gifted Harry with a passionate kiss. He was in a short shock before savoring these moments. Me and Ginny would come back on Christmas, but they have gotten used to being together all the time and this parting would bring some discomfort.
We got on the train and waved to the people on the other side of the window. Soon they all turned into an array of passing colors as the train gathered its speed. Ginny went on to look for her friends. She did invite me to join her, but I politely declined. I found an empty compartment and positioned myself closest to the window. My current book found its way to my hands and the letters started forming sentences in my head soon. My eyes would wander off to the window from time to time, getting the rest they needed. It felt weird. After so many times of taking this train I sat alone. Not including second year of course. It’s like the lights weren’t the ones lighting up the entire compartment on those long journeys, it was our conversations. Our words left shadows on the walls, spilling out with every jump of railing. Nervous comfort settled in. I wanted to remember everything.
*Clink*
Another photo in my mind with worn out seat cushions. A big framed window in the middle between two seats. Metal shelves for overhead storage. Sliding glass doors, covered in handprints. Faintly yellow flickering lights. The atmosphere of calm I didn’t want to let go.
My reading was interrupted a few hours later with a clicking sound. The doors slid open and a familiar face appeared. He stared at me for a few moments. Maybe he didn’t recognize me, it had been a long time since we saw each other. Maybe he was confused seeing me here. Then a low bass caught his vocal chords.
“Can I..?” Blaise Zabini asked, unsure of the thing he questioned.
His eyes looked at the empty seat in front of me before turning back to me. I followed his glance and answered.
“Of course.”
He silently closed the door behind him and sat down. He was well mannered, respectful of personal space. That’s why he didn’t trespass mine, well, mostly. I caught him looking at me a couple of times when he didn’t think I’d notice.
The next hours passed silently. I would catch myself having to reread some of the lines in my book because I would drift off again. I looked at Blaise and tried to study him from the new perspective of human psychology I learned. He was always lean, yet it seemed he lost even more weight. His cheeks became somewhat shallow, jawline pooping out sharp. His face always had the same expression of nothingness. It's his eyes that spoke the language of emotions. His lips were almost always pressed shut in a line, I would guess this habit grew from the shame of showing emotions his parents could have given off. As far as I knew he was a quiet kid. I started to think about where he was during the war. If he fought or ran. And if he did have the courage to stand up with his wand in his hands, did we shot spells for the same reasons, the same beliefs? I chuckled in my mind. It wouldn't matter which side he took, if Harry saw me sitting in the same compartment with a slytherin he would still say "You're fraternizing with the enemy!" Wait, no... That was Ron's line...
Suddenly a figure appeared in the doors, pulling them open and staring at the boy in front of me.
"There you are. Been looking for you."
His voice went silent as soon as he saw me. Draco Malfoy had changed a lot. Physically, I mean. His silver locks were still neatly slicked back, with a few strands hanging loose. I didn't want to admit it but it suited him. But the similarities of him before and after the war stopped at his grey eyes, ever so deep and mysterious. His face had too been shallowed, the color got paler if that's possible. Even though his figure slimmed down muscles formed on his arms, well as much as I saw. I didn't think he would change mentally. Even now sitting in his visual field I expected to hear those bullying lines in his cold tone. I got used to this weapon of his, always shooting bullets, looking how much damage each one provided. In those seconds of his stare, I myself came up with some of them. "How can you even breathe in the same compartment as this mudblood?" "Have you sat here to level out the scales of purity in blood? I'm sure with the both of you still a half-blood wouldn’t come out."
But he was silent. He looked at me for a while, his eyes trailed over me on the last seconds before he turned to his friend.
"I wasn't up for talks," Blaise answered simply.
Draco's gaze fell back on me as if thinking "you'd better be here? With her?" But no words representing his mind came out.
"I was about to go get dressed, you're with me?"
Since when was Draco Malfoy so nice? It had come as a shock to me, I wasn't used to hearing him talk so politely. Actually, I hadn't heard him in so long I forgot the cold tones his voice possessed. But it seemed his voice had also gotten an upgrade. I hated to admit it but those chilling vibrations of his vocal chords scratch a part of my brain in the right way. Like I could listen to it for a long time and not get bored. His voice seemed soothing, like poising flowing from his tongue...
WHAT THE HELL HERMIONE? WHAT AM I THINKING?
They both disappeared behind the doors while I wanted to hit my head on that window and leave a mark of my stupidity. But I needed to change into uniform too, that was my next move.
The trip in the carriages was silent. I sat with Ginny, Luna and Neville. None of us dared to speak. It was so quiet you could hear the sticks crunching under the wheels as we passed the forest. Night was falling, pulling a blanket of stars over the world. Seeing the castle in all its glory made my heart flicker. The lights from its windows gave off a welcoming feeling. Stone walls were standing strong once again. Any imprint of the war was erased, you couldn’t even tell that half of the castle was mostly ruins three months ago. This made me feel uneasy. Shouldn’t we be proud of our history? Surely it was one of the most important historical events that happened on these same grounds. But looking at the standing castle it seemed like nothing ever happened here and the war was just a nightmare that’s too hard to forget.
We walked inside, the surge of magic filling up our lungs as air. Here I felt powerful, talented. Here I felt like I was enough.
The big corridors reminded of our experiences back in the day. When it felt like this castle was a separate world, too big to ever be explored whole. So many unrevealed secrets, hidden passages and mysteries waiting to be solved. The desire to start a new adventure fueled my running blood. But soon that blood went cold. How am I supposed to go on adventures, reveal secrets and do all those fun thing without my friends? Maybe I was smart, but that wasn’t near enough. In that moment I understood that those adventure seeking moments were my life. It was the only thing I breathed for. Gosh, I even studied all for it, using my wits to contribute in out trio journeys. How am I supposed to just let that lifestyle go? How can I sit calmly, knowing that some mysteries are bound to be solved? Either I do it alone or not do anything. Both ways I’ll be the only one feeling the emptiness of something I thrived for back then.
My doubts about the forgotten history were silenced as soon as I walked near the great hall. McGonagall loved every single of the castles students dearly. That’s why the walls just outside the giant doors were covered in paintings of faces that I thought I’d never see again. Students of different ages smiled at me, with a glimmer of proudness for their bravery. Every single kid that died in the battle wouldn’t leave us, they would stay here, with everyone, in the heart of Hogwarts itself.
Ginny sat next to me at the gryffindor table, Neville right in front of us on the other side. All tables were missing chunks of the houses residents. Empty spots which would soon grow full of newcomers. Seeing this view made me sad, it felt the unity of us was missing something. The ghosts, ever so caring, decided to fill in some of the gaps, sitting next to students, telling the stories of their lifetime. I saw Nearly Headless Nick down the table, babbling away about the headless hunt.
Then the doors opened and Hagrid leaded a row of scared little first-year students that were walking neatly in line like ants. They winced from every sound, looking around like scared animals. Yet fear in their eyes was soon replaced with fascination, some couldn’t help but open their mouths in awe. Seeing these little lives I thought to myself that it was worth it. That I will fight a hundred wars more just to lay a safe foundation in these children’s lives. I remember the very day I was standing there, at the end of these long four tables. Many kids around me were coming up with different reasons for the enchantments and how they work. I was the nerd who silenced every wrong guess and academically explained the function of each individual speck of magic. Back then they already looked at me like I was crazy. But I wasn’t crazy, I was interested beyond reason. Every line, every fact from those history books were engraved in my mind, coming up with a quick answer whenever someone had a question. It was the sorting hat which gave me confidents for my knowledge and interest in learning. Even though I’m a proud gryffindor, I could’ve easily been a ravenclaw. After the sorting I tried my best to never be ashamed of my intelligence, for it can provide a lot of advantages.
The kids got sorted one after the other. Every house supported a new student at their table clapping, shouting and hugging the little frightened wizards and witches. Gryffindor was the loudest, the whole hall echoed from the cheers after the sorting hat would shout “GRYFFINDOR”. Yet I felt the instinct of a bigger sister and got worried that the slytherins wouldn’t get the students exited. But when I looked over to their table I caught a glance of grey just leaving my face. He turned away instantly. Weird, Malfoy never had time to even look at the hideous mudblood. But my heart calmed down when I saw the new little slytherins smiling and talking to the older students. I didn’t have the chance to get back at my thoughts since Ginny tugged on my sleeve.
“Is it bad that looking at them, I imagine mine and Harry’s child there?” She asked, smiling at the swarm of black cloaks in the front.
“No,” I shook my head, “I think it will be amazing when they attend.”
“I’m so happy that the war is over. New possibilities are scattered around and I can feel safe knowing that once I start my family it will all be peaceful.” She put her head on my shoulder.
“I hope.” I thought to myself.
I do believe that we should always think three steps ahead. Planning isn’t stupid - it’s necessary. You never know what might happen tomorrow, even in an hour. That’s why it’s dangerous to live in a dream world, you have to always be ready for anything. But in this second I didn’t want to agree with myself. I felt the urge to just let go, throw all that thinking about the future aside and just live. What’s the point of carefully arranging tiles for your path and then following it? Is our life a game to be played strictly, not only by the rules but by the limits we corner ourselves into? I want to be relaxed this year. To experience something that makes me feel good not just because it adds odds to my future, but because it just feels good.
The group of first-years ended and McGonagall got up. Everyone went silent, thousands of eyes locked on her.
“Welcome, everyone,” she started, her voice stern, “I must admit, I’m not very good at speeches, but I felt silence wasn’t the best way to start a new year.”
She swallowed.
“I wanted to take this time to welcome our new students. You’re in good hands, and help will always be given at Hogwarts to those in need.” She looked over the pinkish faces, sitting in the front of the tables. “I also wanted to take time to remember,” her voice cracked, “remember the cruel we had to suffer through. It is so unfair that these strong walls, which became so sacred, couldn’t save many. I wish that all of you don’t forget about our recent history, about the brave souls that fought and didn’t make it just so we could have a normal life again. Outside in the corridor you probably saw the array of paintings, depicting the students we lost. They deserved so much more than just to have themselves drawn in colors, they deserved the peace that followed the end of war. I am thankful to all who fought in these very halls, who gave a piece of themselves away. You are all gifted with bravery, patience and thoughtfulness. And I, as the headmistress, am proud to have all of you here today, united by the magic flowing in us. I’m proud of these students who lived through hell to bring heaven. Thank you all.“ Applause interrupted as she smiled to the whole great hall. “Now I wish for all of us to have a moment of silence for the lives lost.”
Everyone was calm, quiet. Seemed like you could hear heartbeats from all sides. I looked over, Ginny was brushing away a tear. We all took a moment to remember the brave, smart, loyal and cunning. Some faces popped up in my mind. Snape, Fred, Colin… The world would be better with them here. Snape would sit with the teachers, looking over the first-years and scanning for the ones who could cause trouble. Fred would like to visit, selling his and George’s candy in Hogsmeade. Colin would talk with the new students, muttering everything in one breath and smiling so wide no one would believe is possible.
“Thank you, and now – the feast.” McGonagall left the stand and food appeared on the tables.
It overfilled everyone’s plates with tasty goodness that left you drooling. The first-years had calmed down a bit, now smiling in shock from the magical delivery of food. Everyone dug in, not wasting a second without a full mouth.
After the feast everyone stood at the door, letting the first-years through as they followed the prefects. Ginny was somewhere further away with her friends while I stood near the wall. I scanned the faces which were happy and a bit embarrassed in front of older students. You could tell they were all excited to start this new journey.
I felt a breath on my shoulder and turned my face just slightly to look at who it was. And I froze noticing Draco Malfoy right behind me. “This is the closest we’ve ever been” I thought, and that thought sent shivers down my spine for some reason. He looked at me for some time before bumping into me as he passed by. Strange.
Hagrid was waiting outside the great hall.
“Oi, Hermione!” He waved and I came closer.
“Hagrid, it’s so nice to see you,” he hugged me with his giant palms.
“You too.” He straightened back up.
Ginny approached us and he gave her the same warm welcome.
“Ye grew up, both of ye,” he smiled, “did ye saw the first years? They’re so short.”
He started laughing.
“I’m glad you are the one guiding them into this new scary world, I can’t imagine anyone else in that position.” I said.
“Thanks, I was glad too when I found out. By the way, McGonagall’s wanting you in ‘er office. Better be on your way.” He looked at his clock.
We waved goodbye and hurried to the headmistress.
“What do you think she wants from us?” Ginny asked while we climbed the stairs.
“I’m not sure, maybe something about our schedules.”
She looked at me with a smile.
“There’s our Hermione, jumping straight into work.”
We both giggled and went on.
I barely raised my hand to knock when we heard her voice.
“Come on in.”
Inside we froze, seeing that we weren’t the only ones here. Malfoy stood to the side of her table.
“Hold on, mister Malfoy.” McGonagall’s voice rang. “Hello, girls, I’m happy to see you. Come on up.”
Slowly walking up I noticed Draco wasn’t looking at our direction. We stopped at the front of the table.
“First thing, I wanted to express my condolence. The loss was… unexpected and if I or the staff can help in any way, let me know.”
Malfoy raised an eyebrow, studying our reactions, but he was the least I cared about. Her words brought me back to the cruel reality. Ron was gone, not everyone could speak out about that and I understood that we would be hearing about it for a while. I wasn’t scared of it, I can’t even say that I’m someone who should get this kind of sympathy. I wasn’t his family. Well, maybe from the outside it looked like our friendship was everything, that’s why. But I was worried about Ginny. If all the comments about her brother’s death would fall on her shoulders she could break. It’s hard to live with that weight of loss on its own, but it’s worse when people around start talking and reminding it every passing second. Even now I saw her eyes fill up with tears. I silently hugged her around the shoulders.
“You two are very strong and I can only imagine how hard it is.” McGonagall’s voice seemed dulled, as if she was holding back tears too.
Strong, weak. Who is the one to decide who’s strong and who’s not? Me and Ginny are both weak and strong in many different ways. Only we express it differently. Ginny usually shows emotions, only reduced. I, on the other hand, can’t do that. I listen and am strong for everyone else, but when I’m alone – I break. I break so hard I question if putting myself back is a possible solution. Should I be strong for myself?
“I wanted to discuss some things with Hermione, so you, Ginny, can go rest.” McGonagall said softly.
Ginny nodded and turned away.
“Goodnight, professor.” I saw her lifting her hands to her face. That meant that McGonagall’s words got to her.
“Hermione, I didn’t have to think about this for long,” the headmistress said. “I just couldn’t seem to pinpoint your location to tell you.”
She looked up at me.
“I’m sorry, professor, I’ve been spending all of my time at the Burrow, the Weasleys needed some help…”
“It’s okay, I understand,” she nodded her head, “well, I decided to make you head girl.”
She extended her arm with the ‘head girl’ pin between her fingers.
“I know you are capable of the responsibility. You’ve grown so much mentally, and I hope this won’t be a burden.”
“Of course it won’t be,” I said, taking the pin and twisting it around. “Thank you, professor. Is there any more information?”
“Not much, only that very few slytherins came back for a seventh-year,” she looked at Malfoy, whose gaze was fixed somewhere far away, “in an attempt to save some of the professors’ time I decided to link the classes of their house to some others. I do not think that a half-empty class would bring a good atmosphere.”
I nodded. It seemed logical, no?
“So you will share some classes. I hope the arrogance has been knocked out from some of them.”
The corner of her eyes fell on Malfoy again.
Hold on, why was he here?
“I also wanted to ask a favor.”
“Yes, professor?” Why was I nervous?
“You see, mister Malfoy fell behind in the last year he was here. I was hoping you could help him get back on track, or just help in general.” Her eyes laid on me.
I turned to Malfoy, now he was staring somewhere off to the side.
“You’re a smart girl and I can’t think of anyone who could help as much as you. This would take away the stress from some of the professors.”
I thought for a moment. Malfoy fell behind and he needs to put in effort to graduate this year. She’s asking me to be his… mentor of a kind. This might mean one-on-one meetings with him. But I can always end them. But what if he starts insulting me? I can always report him. But what if he doesn’t show up? A lot of reasons for and against, like armies, standing on the opposite sides of the battlefield. Yet one stuck out most.
But he need help.
And wasn’t I the one who helped everyone? Didn’t I want to spread positivity? I felt so responsible for the Weasleys that now I needed that responsibility filled up again. It felt like a void without it. And who better to push down that void that Draco Malfoy? I hope it will turn out fine…
“I’ll help.” Two words escaped my mouth.
That was all it took for Malfoys eyes to sparkle in a way I didn’t yet understand.