Chapter 1
The sun shone a bit brighter without all that black magic in the air. We won – this thought stayed in everyone’s head for a while. No more fear of being captured, tortured or killed. No more hiding and living in the shadows, life can finally be normal.
The death eaters were rounded up and locked in Azkaban. Their wands, overflowing with darkness, were snapped. They won’t take away lives, bits and pieces of souls. The footprints of evil were being erased. Dark magic shops closed their door forever. The families of death eaters were at risk, but the ministry of magic would do what is right. Now we didn’t need to look for witnesses – the whole world could testify. It’s like everyone could finally inhale after holding their breaths for so long.
Slowly but surely Hogwarts recovered too. Many witches and wizards came to help. We fixed and rebuilt the broken parts of the castle, stocked cupboards with supplies, brought life back inside. It was ready to welcome new and returning students. McGonagall was the new headmaster of the castle. We all knew she would take great care of the students. Laughter could fill the halls once again. Children will be safe in this new world we will create.
The hardest part was saying goodbye to our loved ones. The feeling of victory didn’t take away the pain. Tonks, Lupin, Fred, Colin, Snape… Endless thoughts and scenarios of “what if?” No one could replace them, and no one will. The only thing we could do is stay strong and let the memory of them blossom inside us. They wouldn’t be forgotten, not a chance.
Molly became quiet. George never left his room. Ginny hexed the gnomes in their garden every chance she got. Ron often went for walks, alone. Bill got caught up in growing his new family and fixing his old one. Charlie tried to be home as often as he could. Arthur worked hard, but even he couldn’t pretend like everything was fine. Nothing would cover up the gap Fred’s passing left. Fleur and I helped them around the house, making food and just staying close. Harry lost himself, drowning in his made up guilt. Why made up? Because no one blamed him. He saved the whole world, yet still it wasn’t enough. While everyone saw him as a hero, he saw himself as a villain. Like now, with Voldemort gone, he was the worst person ever. I tried to get through to him, help him, comfort him. He was having none of it.
“Did he calm down a bit?” I asked Ginny one evening.
Molly found Fred’s old sweater and bursted into tears. She wanted some time alone so I offered to make dinner.
“He still mostly talks about how he is to blame, what he could’ve done differently” Ginny was folding the rest of the laundry.
I let out a breath.
“He needs to move on” I concluded.
Ginny turned to me, almost offended.
“Would you get over someone’s death so quickly?” She raised her voice.
“That’s not what I mean” she was on her nerves all of the time and anything would tip her over. “Harry needs to understand that everything is in the past and he can’t change it. The longer it takes for him to understand that, the longer he won’t be able to get back on his feet.”
Ginny still seemed hurt, she avoided my eyes.
“Let me try to explain it – imagine that now he spends a year or two drowning in guilt. When that finally fades away, the grieving will start. He will relive the memories of those who passed and start to blame himself again. In that time about four years will pass and he still won’t be moving on. He won’t be able to focus on his job, his life, you and creating a family.” Those last words made her stop and think. “Ginny, I’m not trying to erase Fred. I just want for all of us to keep living. And Harry is at a stop right now, he isn’t moving forward, he isn’t living.”
She looked up at me with teary eyes. I went over and hugged her.
“It’s hard for all of us, but we need to stick together.”
Ginny nodded.
“You’re right. Sorry, I just feel so angry at the world.” She cried quietly into my sweater.
“And it’s okay to feel angry. Ginny, you are the bravest, the strongest girl I know. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be vulnerable. We all are, that’s what makes us human.”
We stood there for some time. I held her in my arms, feeling like a big sister. The Weasleys have become my family, and I was so thankful to have them in my life.
“Let me finish dinner and then we can all eat” I said quietly while she let me go.
I went back to the pots and pans. I was here almost every day. The Weasleys needed support and I promised that I would do everything to help them. I shared the burden of loss, taking some weight off their shoulders. Ginny helped Harry, at least he let her in. He shoved everyone else out. Ron and Molly were exceptions. Molly was a mother figure for him and he didn’t think he could ever pay her back. With Ron they talked about the war, going over different plans and how they could have affected the ending. I thought differently, that’s why he resented me. I suggested not to get stuck in the past. All he heard was ‘move on, it’s over and you could’ve done better’.
So, I was there for everyone. I even started to get close to the other Weasleys. Bill acknowledged my thoughts and ideas. Charlie was just looking for someone to talk to. The Burrow was quiet. Even though about ten people were there every day, you could still think that no one was home. No laughter, no commotion, no steps and no conversations. I was there for everyone, but no one was there for me. Of course, I can’t complain. I wanted to do everything for those around me. But I still felt lonely on the inside. My parents came back, they listened, but they couldn’t really help me. I needed someone who lived through it. Someone, who knew, who saw. During the battle there was too much noise – now, there wasn’t any. The silence started to get to my bones and ringed in my ears. I just needed someone to talk to. But I won’t just go out of my way and complain. I won’t show it.
“Molly, dinner’s ready” I said through the open door.
She was sitting on the grass, clutching the sweater in her hands to her chest. She wept every day, and every day it didn’t get easier seeing her like this. I went over and helped her get up. Her eyes were red from tears, dark circles under them. She had nightmares every night. Arthur stayed up with her, and went to work with no sleep. I sat her down at the table and put a bowl of hot soup in front of her.
“Eat it, while it’s still warm, okay?” I said in a soft voice and was about to walk away when she grabbed my hand.
“How could I ever thank you for everything you do?” Molly looked at me.
“No need for that, I’m happy I can help,” I said as I caressed her hand and went to pour another bowl. “Ginny, get Harry and Ron” I asked and walked up the stairs.
Charlie and Arthur were at work. Bill and Fleur were at their home. That only left us with…
“George, can I come in?” I knocked on the door. I heard a faint approval and walked in.
The room was a mess, but George didn’t allow anyone to touch Fred’s things. He wanted them exactly as he left them.
“I brought some dinner,” I handed him the bowl.
“Thanks,” he took it, “You’re so kind to come here every day and help.”
“That’s the least that I can do,” I said and sat on his bed next to him.
He started eating in small sips.
“Does it ever get easier? Grieving?” He asked after some silence.
“I’m not sure, I guess it depends on you how you let it affect you” I answered.
“How am I supposed to live when a literal half of me is gone?”
I took a breath.
“I would make sure that you made that half of you proud. Live, like he wanted you to live.” I looked at him.
His whole face was red, eyes tired. He looked straight in front of him.
“George, I know it’s hard… But, as painful as it is, the world didn’t stop spinning. So why should you stop?”
He swallowed and froze.
“Fred wouldn’t want you to stop. You know it.” He turned to look at me.
“And what if I don’t feel strong enough to move again?” His voice cracked.
“That’s what family and friends are for. To help you, to support you.”
I looked around and noticed some of Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes candy on the floor.
“He wouldn’t want you to close the shop. He would want for you to keep joking with the customers, inventing new candy. He would want for you to be a part of the family you’re in.” I turned back to him, his eyes were glued to the candies on the floor. “He would want you to keep going. Wouldn’t you want that if the roles were reversed?”
I could see his thoughts running.
“I would,” he said quietly.
“So do it for him. Not Ron, not dad or mum. Do it for Fred.”
He nodded. I patted him on the shoulder and started walking towards the door.
“Hermione,” I turned around, “Thank you. You have no idea what difference you’re making for us all.”
“You’re my family, and I would do anything it takes for you,” I smiled and walked out.
Kingsley took charge in the ministry. As the new minister for magic he helped the wizarding world pick up the scraps and put ourselves back together. He even offered me a position, saying that it would be an honor to work with someone so smart ant talented. I was flattered, but didn’t take the offer. My goal didn’t change – I wanted to finish my studies at Hogwarts. That meant a seventh year there. Ron and Harry weren’t coming back, so I was all alone. I would still see some fellow gryffindors and Ginny, but it wouldn’t be the same. The war made us all grow up fast. It felt like our priorities and responsibilities were forcefully put in place and action. Now, that we can take a breath, we weren’t capable of going back and learning some things from the beginning. We can just work on ourselves and hope for the best.
It was the end of July. One more month until going back to school. My parents were forgiving. Of course, they didn’t support my decision about their safety, but that was all in the past. At first, they were skeptical about my return, but when I explained that it’s safe, they were rooting for me again.
So, that was basically my routine. Stay with the Weasleys, help at home, spend time with my parents and repeat.
Ron was a separate subject. And, to be honest, I was so lost in our relationship. We weren’t a couple, but we had some feelings for each other. We experienced some romantic moments, shared a kiss or two. Our hands always found a way to the others palm. And when he felt overwhelmed he would lay in my embrace. And when he felt angry I would hold him back and he would listen. And when he needed to talk, I would be there to hear what he had to say. And when he couldn’t sleep I would sit beside him, silently watching as he played chess. But at the same time we were always at each other’s throats. Shouting and arguing was frequent, yet I was the one who always had to step down. He didn’t really comfort me, he wasn’t there when I cried at night. He didn’t know me that well. He admitted that he felt something for me, that I’ve become more beautiful, that I was all grown up. He liked some of my qualities, but that wasn’t enough. I tried to get things moving, but it felt more like friends than lovers. The worst part is that I needed someone beside me, someone I could trust. Someone who cared about me and thought I was enough. Ron was the closest and the only option. No other boys around me. Harry was with Ginny. George wasn’t my taste. Neither was Ron, but I could’ve made it work for the sake of not being alone.
While I held Ron through his worsts, he held Lavender. She survived the war, but was badly injured. Ron visited her often. A few times a week. Even though they broke up, the feelings didn’t seem to die. He felt sorry for her. Don’t get me wrong – I did too. But with him it was different. He sat at her bedside, sometimes even missing time with his family. And when he’d come back, he always said: “sorry, but you know she’s just a good friend.” So was I, Ron, so was I.
One night he came back late again. The others were already in their rooms, preparing for sleep.
“You’re still here?” He asked when he came in.
“I was just finishing cleaning up,” I answered, “I’ll be on my way soon.”
He nodded and sat down at the table.
“Can we talk about something?” He seemed down.
“Of course,” I said and leaned back on the kitchen countertop. “Is everything okay?”
He wasn’t fast to speak.
“There’s this situation and I’m not sure how to act on it.” He said slowly.
“I’m listening” I encouraged him.
He looked at his hands.
“Lavender needs a medical procedure. But she’s too weak to wait for new organs to grow, so they turned to the muggle ways. Something called donors?” He raised his head and our eyes met.
“Yes… A donor is a person who gives blood, cells, tissue, or an organ for use in another person” I looked at him incredulously, “Where are you going with this?”
He nodded his head as he turned away. It seemed it was uncomfortable for him to talk about this.
“These donors should be a match to the person in need.” He slowly said. “And I am a match for Lavender” he lifted his eyes once again.
I stood there, shocked.
“Ron, weren’t you the one who despised muggle doctors for ‘cutting people up’?” I asked.
He shrugged.
“You can’t be serious” I said more to myself.
“They are professionals, and Lavender wouldn’t need to wait.” He tried to justify everything.
“Ron, how many times have they done this? Do you think enough to do everything without a single risk?” I was mad, “Do you understand, that Lavender wouldn’t be the only one at risk? You would be too.”
“I trust healers, they know their job.” He started to talk faster and angrier.
“When it comes to transplants it doesn’t only depend on the doctors. When they make something regrow it automatically grows to be a part of you. A transplant is putting a foreign body inside yours and hoping that it will work the same. Why do you think many casualties happen? Because a patient’s body doesn’t accept this foreign organ. And it’s a risk for you, since your body has to adjust to living without something.”
Ron sat silently, with his head low while I moralized.
“Ron, if she waits, everything can be safer for the both of you” I walked to him and put my palm on his.
But he took his hand away and stood up in front of me.
“And why should she wait if she can use that time for actual living?” He said to my face in a non-friendly tone.
“Because we have more time than chances.” I looked straight at him. I felt hurt that he didn’t quite understood the importance of this. “Ron, your family is going through a tragedy, how do you think it will affect them? Even if you do survive you’ll have to stay in the hospital for a long time. They need you now more than ever, healthy and by their side.” I pleaded.
“I could be in two places at ones: by their side and by Lavenders side” he concluded.
“Ron,” it was hard to hear what he was saying, “Family should be more important to you now.”
“And why do you get to decide that for me?” He asked, “Lavender is a good friend of mine who deserves more than she has. You have all of us by your side, Hermione, and she has basically no one. Her relationship with her parents is bad. She has two friends. And you have plenty. Why do you want to take that away from her?”
His words couldn’t be further from the truth. I looked at him with teary eyes, waiting from him to say that he didn’t mean any of it. But his eyes showed only determination.
“You’re right, you are the one to decide what to do,” I said as I walked around him.
I took my sweater and head to the door, but my hand froze on the handle.
“But it will be me who will have to comfort them” I said and left into the cold night.
I came back home and collapsed on the floor. The Weasleys’ life was broken, and I tried to glue the pieces back together. But Ron didn’t think that it needed so much care, he’d rather care for his own things. He thought that, because his family had me, he didn’t need to play his role of a loving son and step up for them. He didn’t think that it was wise considering my words. He and Harry lived in a world of their own. They didn’t see the full picture, they didn’t want to.
But hearing Ron speak like that it broke my heart. It gave me the evidence to put the pieces in place. He only saw me as an object worthy of respect only when he needed someone. While I tried so hard to put any negative feelings behind and accept the best of him. I opened up, left room for new feelings even though it was crowded inside. But I was taken as a babysitter, a person who carries all the burden. But what am I supposed to do when I finally learned to love him? When a piece of my heart belongs to him in a way he could never understand? It’s not destiny, it’s an attempt to live. During all our school years he gave me mixed signals. I was the one who had to figure his puzzles out, while he jumped through the options of his feelings for me. One day he loves me and the other – not anymore. How pathetic. How childish.
The more time passed, the more I understood that not all things were going good. During the war the outside and the inside were broken, smashed and tortured. How come when there’s peace on the other side of the widow I still feel fighting inside? I broke down with everyone, but now, I can’t seem to get back up. I spend so much time worrying about everyone else, building up the life of today and tomorrow, but I don’t know how to fix myself. Father used to say “when you grow up you will understand”. Haven’t I grown up? Because I don’t understand anything at all…
Now I’m like ice. I’m strong and confident when others lean on me. I know I need to keep them up. But when I’m all alone I start to melt. I melt into a puddle on the floor with no strength. I can’t seem to hold myself up. My instincts tell me to close up, go away. How can I, when so many people need help? The desperation for everything to be okay is killing me. I can’t go back to normal, that’s lost somewhere far away. So now I just need to exist. Don’t let anyone in, don’t let anything out.
We have a little joy, we call him Teddy. Harry was so delighted to take care of his godson, but that soon faded away and guilt replaced his fatherly instincts. He blamed himself that this sweet boy will grow up without parents.
“But, Harry, he has you,” I tried to get to his head. He wouldn’t listen.
So, from time to time, I went and visited Andromeda and Teddy. I brought him toys and read books to him. Harry had stopped coming here a while ago. Neither Andromeda, nor I understood why. Yes, he blamed himself, but why would he leave this boy alone? It’s not like he gave bad influence. But Teddy was happy to see me every time. He would hold my hand and show me his Metamorphmagus abilities, I don’t know if he understood that or not yet. We talked with Andromeda for hours if we could. We shared stories of our Hogwarts years, life experiences. She was always sweet and gentle. I was so sorry that she lost so much.
I visited their graves. All of them. I left flowers and lit candles. I spoke about their families, what they’re doing, how they are holding up. I couldn’t find the right words for Snape. I tried to talk about how much he helped me, how much I learned from him. But still, every time I would go silent. Sometimes I just stood there, thinking if he had the same doubts inside, if he struggled with his life. We had hated each other all those years, now I didn’t hate him at all. I wondered if he would feel the same way. I left him a lily every time.
And there I was. Sitting on the floor of my room, looking up at the ceiling. My face stained with tears that shined from the moonlight. I often stared at one dot. I’m not sure why. Most of my time was spent on thinking. I just couldn’t seem to understand why I felt the way I did. Around others I felt motivated, I wanted to share that motivation with everyone. They all said I was the strongest after, because that’s what I wanted them to see me like. Strong and confident. But when I was away from everyone that mask would fall off. It’s like being a death eater in my own way. I actually thought so much I came up with different explanations why I was like this.
My first guess was that I was destined to die. That would explain my different mood around others. That would explain the distance from the ones I love. If it was destined like this, then they were supposed to act like this when I would be gone. They would be cold, depressed, lonely like during any other loss. Maybe destiny didn’t have enough time to change their feelings and moods towards me. But I don’t believe that I was so lucky to escape deaths grip. If I was destined to die, I would have died. I’m smart, but I couldn’t play with death like that.
My other option was that I’m just stupid and can’t understand how life after battles work. I could say I can’t come to terms with the fact that it’s normal to grieve for long. That it’s normal to lose yourself in a dark place. But what would that knowledge give me? If we were all in a dark place, who would help us? Who would push us forward?
Sometimes I’m afraid that those people never meant anything to me. That’s another speculation of mine. If I truly loved them, I would be sad. If they meant what I thought they did then I would cry non-stop, think about them and feel down at the mention of their names. But I did love them, I do feel down without them.
Then what is wrong with me? Maybe, somewhere in those ruins of a castle, that once resembled my second home, I buried myself long ago. Maybe I knew I couldn’t get out of that battle in one piece, so I left a piece behind. How do I get that back? How do I feel whole again with a gap inside? How do I close off all those doubts and thoughts? They’re starting to haunt me… They’re starting to say things that are irrelevant now. I struggle with my mental health, with my looks. I think too much about girly things that should not matter now.
No, my biggest problem is that I think. That’s all.
“A bit to the left,” Ginny guided the floating decorations.
We were getting ready to celebrate Harry’s birthday. One big celebration, first one like this after the war. We invited friends and family. It would be an amazing time to just be together.
Ginny and Charlie decorated. Fleur and I helped Molly with the food. Arthur and Bill were at work, though promised to come back earlier than usual. Ron was… nowhere to be found. Harry paced around waiting for guests, talking to George. He finally left his room.
Molly was an expert in setting the table. She knew where to put everything so it would all fit. She looked alive, happy for once.
“How are you?” Fleur asked when Molly left the kitchen.
“How can I be?” I looked at her with a smile.
“You take such great care of everyone else,” she said, looking back at the others, then back at me “Who takes care of you?”
I breathed in.
“I’m fine on my own” but I know she didn’t believe me.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel good, you know that. It’s just hard, seeing you put your all into helping others and knowing that you’ll probably break soon…” she continued cooking.
“Why do you think that?” I asked.
“Because I know how it goes. After things like this. Everyone breaks after wars and fights one day. I’m not saying you’ll go crazy. It can be small things, but you feel the breaking point.” She explained.
“Well, maybe I already had my breaking point and now I’m back on track?”
She looked at me and smiled sadly.
“You haven’t. Maybe others don’t see it, but I do. Just know that we’re all here for you,” she walked away.
Only if she knew that I’ve been broken for a while now.
Guests started arriving. Harry hugged every one of them. The conversations and presence off everyone brought the Burrow back to life. Everyone was glad to see each other. They talked about what they’ve been up to, what are their plans for the future. I stood further away, watching from afar. I couldn’t seem to be in the middle of it all, it seemed overwhelming.
Ron came back later in the evening. Everyone was already there.
“Where have you been?” I approached him.
“None of your business,” he said lazily.
“Ron, it’s your best friend’s birthday. You couldn’t even come home earlier for that?”
“I’m not the only one in his birthday party, I didn’t miss anything.” He wanted to walk away but I stood in his way.
“Ron, this is important. Family and friends gather around for the first time since the end of the war, and you come in the middle of the night?” He rolled his eyes. “Look, be with Lavender all you want, as if you don’t already spend all your days there, but prioritize your family and other friends. Especially if you don’t see them often.”
“Yeah, yeah…” He pushed me aside and walked to Dean.
I knew I didn’t have the right to moralize him, but I had enough of him not being here.
“Everyone, I would like to make a toast.” I heard Harry say.
Everyone locked eyes on him.
“I am thankful that you came, it means a lot to me. I’m also grateful to have so many amazing people in my life. I couldn’t have done anything without you. I am thankful to my beautiful girlfriend,” he hugged Ginny, “For always staying at my side. I’m thankful to the Weasley family for loving me like a son and brother.” He smiled to Molly, Arthur, Bill, Charlie and George. “I’m thankful to my best friend Ron,” he looked at Ron, “For having my back and helping me.”
He stopped for a bit.
“I am thankful to Hermione,” he looked at me and everyone followed his gaze, “For rebuilding what we have left.”
I looked at him, not knowing how to react. I didn’t smile, didn’t nod my head in agreement. What about me helping him and having his back? Does he really think of me as only responsible for picking up the broken pieces and putting them back where they belonged?
“I know that all of those who left us are in our hearts. We will always remember them.” He stopped to take a breath, “I raise a toast to a brighter tomorrow.” Everyone followed his lead and lifted their drinks in the air.
The party was in full swing. Some people were intoxicated, but it only made them more relaxed. They sat around and talked, loud laughter filled the Burrow. Some of them danced to the old vinyl record player Arthur had. The boys invited the girls for dances too. Small Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes toys flew around. From time to time you could hear a pop and small fireworks would go off in a corner of the room.
I helped cleaning up, didn’t feel like partying much.
I looked over at them. Ginny was sitting on Harry’s lap, his hands wrapped around her. The others sat cross-legged on the floor. It was supposed to feel like home, but it didn’t fully represent that idea to me. I watched the faces of these people who were my friends. I’m not sure how I would call them now. For all I know, they wouldn’t say that I’m their friend. They would go about how I changed.
“Hermione became so serious after the war.”
“Hermione doesn’t laugh anymore, does she even talk to someone?”
“I bet she never leaves her room.”
“She became weird.”
Of course I didn’t pay attention to their comments. Not openly. I would wonder from time to time if it’s me who changed, or them. It just doesn’t seem fitting to me right now. The war had enough damages on everyone, we should accept people the way they are. But I learned to be alone again. Drifting further and further from Harry and Ron I had to do something. It didn’t seem they wanted my company, so I learned to be a friend to myself. Ron and Harry may have brought out the extrovert in me, but it’s like a plant. If you don’t water it, give it sun and so on it will wither. The extrovert in me died, the introvert came back to claim the free spot.
That was what I was most afraid of going back to Hogwarts. That without them it would be hard and challenging. Now I have a hunch that it will be easier than I thought, maybe even enjoyable. I will be able to study on my own, no secret missions during the night, no saving the world.
There was one thing I was still scared of. Since the end of the war I became a big part in the Weasley family. Not only as a member, but a helper. I’m afraid that when I go back to Hogwarts, no one will be there to help clean the house or make dinner. No one will be there to comfort the weeping Molly. No one will be there to encourage George.
It became crowded inside so I went out. The Weasleys had a bench in their garden that perfectly overlooked the fields with a lake. It was beautiful, even during the night. With no lights from busy streets you could clearly see the stars, make out constellations. Gosh, if the Weasley kids knew how fortunate they are to have so much beautiful nature around. I would already be sitting with my telescope, drawing the dots and lines on paper. Not that I couldn’t do that now.
I heard steps on the wet grass and soon Ron sat down next to me. He was holding a glass of champagne in one hand, the other he threw over on the back of the bench, almost on my shoulders.
“What are you doing here?” He asked.
I shrugged.
“I just needed some fresh air,” I answered.
We both looked up, maybe hoping to see a shooting star. But who am I kidding, even if we did, I still know we would ask for different things. He took a sip.
“It’s beautiful,” he said, still looking up.
“It is,” I added quietly.
“Why did you became so distant?” He asked out of the blue.
I turned to him. His eye had a thin haze from the alcohol. Ron, when given the chance, started to drink a lot. There were times when I would drag him to his room and leave some water and a hangover potion near his bed. Now his eyes showed minimal struggle to focus on something. His cheeks slightly reddened from the drink too. His freckles tried to stand a chance against the flowing blood that died his face that reddish color. Yet still they almost disappeared into the tint. You could see them if you were really close. His lips twitched faintly from time to time, with some crumbs left in the corners from the last muffin he ate.
I let out a sigh.
“War affects everyone differently,” I fumbled with my hands, “I guess this was the way it played out for me.”
He furrowed his brows, not hiding his disagreement.
Over this time I learned a lot about the human psychology. I learned to read body languages, reactions. I acquired the skill of understanding emotions and a bit about how to help others cope with them. I could tell a lot about a person just from looking at him. Maybe that’s why I became so dull – because I started analyzing others. I became meticulous, observant. All this information about others might have erased a part of me. That’s why I started seeing everyone else more clearly than myself.
“I wish it hadn’t,” I was swimming through my thoughts when he woke me up. I had to remember what we’ve been talking about.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
He scrunched his nose, like he always did when he was getting ready to explain his thoughts.
“I wish the war hadn’t affected you this way. I would want you to be like you were before.”
I looked at him, the question sitting on the tip of my tongue. Whatever, he probably won’t remember this tomorrow.
“Would you like me more if I was the way I was before?” The question seemed confusing, but had a meaning if you studied it carefully.
Ron had to look down to think of an answer. I could see him thinking as his eyes ran from one grass blade to another. He bit down his lower lip and stayed silent.
“There’s the answer for you,” I said and looked away. “No one needs the past me, she was weak and… and had place for improvement.”
He still didn’t raise his eyes.
“And now you’re strong?” He asked under his breath.
“I’m stronger, that’s a step up.” I answered. “I’ll go check on them,” I said standing up.
But Ron caught my hand and stood up next to me holding it.
“Hermione, no one needs you to be stronger, you were fine the way you were.”
“Ron, people change, and so did I,” he was still holding my hand. “It’s natural and you can’t blame me for it.”
“I don’t blame you, I just think you were… well, better,” he said shyly.
I stared at him. For a moment it seemed like I was talking to a kid.
“Ron, I grew up.”
He looked me in the eyes.
“I still wish you didn’t,” he was stubborn. He took a lose strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear, not moving his hand away. “Then we could’ve grown up together.”
I watched his eyes, looking for a hint of his feelings. He cupped my face with that one hand and slowly pulled me closer. My heart started to beat faster. I was still angry at him for acting stupid, but now all that seemed to drown in the moment. When he got close enough he gently pressed his lips to mine. You could call that a caress instead of a kiss. The moment that connection happened someone set off more mini fireworks close to the open window. You could hear laughter from inside. At that moment I imagined like it was New Year’s Eve. As if we were sitting and celebrating with our friends, hand in hand. As if we ended the last year and started the new one with a New Year’s kiss.
But that was far from truth. His lips tasted sour from the champagne. The drinks residue burned the marks where I bit my lips. Not to mention, Lavender’s perfume was infiltrated in his shirt. Even when it was a gentle touch, it felt cold and unnatural.
Just not meant to be.
This brought up the pain in the back of my heart. I, again, remembered how I needed to learn to love him. Was that all a waste? Maybe there’s still a chance.
“I should go,” I whispered and walked away, praying he didn’t see the corners of my eyes glistening.
Some people already left. A few were sleeping in crammed armchairs or at the ends of sofas. I summoned some blankets and covered them up. The table needed some cleaning, I rearranged the leftover food and brought the dirty dishes to the sink.
“You okay?” Ginny came in.
“Yes, I was just putting away some stuff,” I answered.
“Cool,” she stayed, looking around. “Are you exited to go back to Hogwarts?”
“I guess.” I smiled. “It’s always fun there, but I’m sure it’ll be a bit different.”
“Yeah…”
I looked at her.
“Are you exited?” I asked.
She thought for a minute before answering.
“I am but I am not at the same time,” she started giggling and I joined her.
“How come?”
“It’s always fun going back, but I’ll miss Harry.” She said.
“Well, you’ll see him during holidays, and you can send each other letters,” I suggested.
“That’s a good idea, I don’t know how I didn’t think of that. Sometimes I wonder how you’re still without a boyfriend.”
I sighed.
“Maybe Victor Krum wasn’t the worst option.” She started thinking out loud.
This idea made me laugh.
“So, you suggest that I should write a letter to him, saying we should renew our friendship?” I asked.
She caught my good mood and smiled too.
“What? Maybe something would work out between you two,” now she spoke with her hands, waving them in the air.
“Maybe, but I think I’ll focus on my studies for now.”
It was already late, but I still decided to go home. When I was sure that Ginny could handle the few people, who were still awake, I apparated home.
My parents were already sleeping. I quietly entered the house and locked the doors. My legs brought me straight to my room. It was already covered in the night’s darkness. I lit up a candle and started getting ready for bed. When I laid down I started to think, what Hogwarts would be without Harry or Ron. To be honest it felt less like going back to school and more like going to, I don’t know, a getaway. I had enough knowledge to skip this year, but I wanted to do everything the right way. Still this meant that I will have a lot of free time on my hands. I already made a plan of going to the library and visiting Hagrid. Maybe I should explore the surroundings, go on walks. It’s my last year, I want to enjoy it.