4. Where Love is.
"Cuando comenzamos a nacer
la mente empieza a comprender
que vos sos vos y tenés vida
que poca cosa es la realidad
mejor seguir mejor soñar
que lo que vale no es el día
pero el sol está
no es de papel es de verdad
Con tus piernas vas a caminar
luego te empiezan a encerrar
y ahí te quedás con tu rutina
y que vas a hacer
uno se cansa de correr (...)
Y descubrís que amor es más que una noche y juntos ver
amanecer "
The dinner passed uneventfully, Regulus had to accept all the toasts and congratulations from his family, feeling like he wasn’t totally himself, like he was a mere spectator, not the boy that was about to be sacrificed in a ritual for the house of black, he almost felt bad for the poor dude who actually had to go and meet a fucking vampire, but as long as he kept himself out of being that Regulus Black, he was managing the dinner just fine.
After speeches that went way too long, in which he just stood there while everyone talked about “his privilege” or “How exciting it was being chosen ”, some people started to leave, they were all happy and Regulus couldn’t help but thinking he was like a dog that gets all the treats before being put down.
When he felt enough people had already gone, he finally let his mask slip, being once again Regulus the boy wasn’t particularly a positive feeling, if he could just spent the rest of the month in his “out of body” state, he would, but alas God was kind of an asshole to him, so he wasn’t expecting much.
After the anxiety of the dinner, Reg finally could go into the garden, where he took his almost empty pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket.
There were only two cigarettes left, one of which was the upside down “lucky one” he laughed bitterly at how the universe kept mocking him, he was starting to light his first cigarette when he heard footsteps behind him.
He continued smoking, waiting for the person to say something.
Finally, he recognized the blond hair of his cousin Cissa as she sat next to him.
“Can I have one Reg?” she said this so softly that he almost couldn’t hear her.
He offered her his last cigarette, questioning her with his eyes “Didn’t knew you smoked Ciss” he said while putting the fire closer to the end of the smoke, lighting it up. his voice sounded tired, strained, too exhausted.
“Yeah well, Mom and Lucius are talking non-stop about the importance of producing an heir, they are driving me crazy, so this might be my last opportunity to smoke in a while” her words hid some deep resignation that he recognized in himself.
He had always felt close to Narcissa, they were similar since they were kids, always the young siblings, left behind , she, like him understood the value of making your own path while still playing with the rules, precisely why he felt once again the deep nostalgia of feeling always on the edge of saying goodbye.
“And you?” he asked, breathing in the smoke that calmed his mind.
“What about me Reggie?” He ignored the nickname that he usually hated and just answered her. “Do you want to produce an heir?” The silence stretched for a while after the question, like Narcissa herself was having a hard time answering the question.
“I want a child Reg,… not an heir” she finally exhaled the words with a bit of smoke, it sounded too much like a confession, said to the wind, but he knew what she meant, having an heir in the Black family meant, giving your children up if necessary for the family, for the legacy. It meant being completely willing to sacrifice your heir like a pawn if it’s useful for the long game…
Regulus knew he had never been a child, nor a son. All he ever was an heir, and he loved Narcissa a bit more for understanding.
“Then I’m sure you will be a great mother ” it was the truth, he knew Cissa, her warmth, her humanity, not even this family was able to take it from her.
“you were always taking care of us, I remember all the stories you told me, you know?, I wish I could see you bringing a bit of colour into the family” the last phrase made Cissa look at Reg with an emotion he couldn’t quite place.
“Don’t say those things” she barely whispered.
They both knew it was the truth, there was nothing none of them could do to save Reg, but it seemed to her like speaking it out loud would make it more real.
“Ciss… I can’t pretend it’s not true, I will not meet the child, but I just know how much you are going to love them… ” he took the last breath of the cigarette putting it down on the pavement “Do you remember when we were kids, you said I would be the godfather of your children?” They chuckled, remembering those moments.
“I would’ve loved that Ciss” he sighed, so tired of saying goodbye, so sad that he would never see those moments.
They stood in silence for a moment, While his cousin finished her own cigarette, there were no visible stars that night and Regulus was a bit disappointed in the fact that he couldn’t even get comfort from the constellation; as he looked back to Narcissa, he noticed the tears that fell freely from her face, and landed on her jacket.
When he was about to say something to comfort her, she spoke again “Sometimes I forget you are all grownup now…. –she took a moment before speaking again– “you look so much like him when he left”
The words hit him hard, making a knot in his throat, and filling his eyes with tears. He couldn’t think about him right now, it was the only thing he had avoided, he siimply wasn't able to think of his brother.
He needed to change the subject so he said with a light tone “You only wanted me to cry too because you didn’t wanna be the only one, Huh, Cissa?.” he pushed his shoulder against her playfully “How cruel making a dead man cry, I thought with all the speeches before it was clear that I am special and should be treated with the utmost respect” he said imitating the accent of some of the guests from before and laughing from the absurdity of it all.
“You’re an idiot Regulus Black” she pushed his shoulder, now laughing along with him. It was her real laugh, he smiled to himself.
“I’m the future godfather of your child, I can’t be an idiot” he responded.
Cissa had alway been one of the only people that made him feel comfortable enough to joke and talk freely.
As their laughter extinguished, Regulus knew there was nothing more to talk about, so they just stayed there looking at the starless sky.
About an hour later, Bella came to say goodbye and to take Cissa.
As Bella said goodbye to him and continued ahead, Cissa hugged him, it was a hug that felt like an ending, like a godson he would never be able to meet, like cigarettes that they would never be able to share.
He felt her tears on his shoulder and then heard her say “You deserved to have escaped too Reg… Iˋm going to miss you” he just held her tighter and tried to remember the moment as well as he could.
“Bye Cissa” he said, and that was it. one more farewell.
After everyone left the party, Regulus suddenly found himself feeling extremely anxious and sad, how could he not be, he was angry, and Cissa’s words kept rounding in his head; so he did what he had done all his life when he needed someone, and as soon as no one could see him, he walked to Barty’s house.
Barty was his person, he had been there when Sirius left, when his family made him want to die, when he knew he was going to die. they had the kind of bond that is impossible to describe, it can only be felt, he was going to miss him most of all.
When he found himself outside of the window he had climbed so many times before, he picked a pebble and threw it, it didn’t take more than that, and Barty Crouch Jr. was opening the window and letting him climb with a smile on his face.
“To what do I owe the pleasure on this freezing night at 1 am dear Reg” Barty said with a mocking tone in his voice and a smirk that had become so familiar, it made him feel warm inside. Like home.
He simply shrugged, there was no explanation other than the fact that he is him, and Barty is Barty, there is no other alternative than finding him.
Barty looked him trying to figure out his mood, and when he found his eyes he just smiled
“Ah” His expression turned to one of joking professionalism. “Dear Reg, I see you have finally realized that your birthday is coming up and have no idea what to do.” Regulus rolled his eyes, of course he knew about his birthday, and the green eyed boy in front of him most likely knew he was not there because of a festivity crisis, but some stupid conversation like that was exactly what he needed.
“Why yes, I find myself in quite a pickle, I can’t seem to figure out what to do for the anniversary of two decades of life ” he continued the game in the same posh accent Barty was making.
“well could this be the year that our dear Reg finally permits us peasants to escort him to a dancing establishment?”
Regulus thought about the offering, remembering all the times that while Barty and Evan went out to parties, he stayed in his house, too scared of his parents, but that didn’t matter anymore. “It might be a good idea sir”
Barty’s eyes glistened with his excitement, he had tried to convince Reg for years.
They continued smiling and while reg focused on the others eyes, he could see them shining with so much life, so much energy, light.
and Reg confirmed that, yes, he could only describe the boy in front of him as beautiful.
He walked closer to Barty still looking into his eyes, the look the other was giving him turned into one of curiosity, almost a smirk wondering what he was going to do.
“Hey bee…” he started
Barty looked at him with a full smile, and raised his eyebrows wondering what he wanted to say.
Regulus gave one step closer to where his friend was looking at him amused
“Remember the last year of school?” Barty understood immediately what Regulus meant and chuckled.
“Yeah Reg, I remember, we stopped because the pieces of trash that call themselves your parents couldn’t find out” Regulus laughed at the comment about his parents, Barty never failed to insult them at any chance he got.
“Why Reg, want a reminder? for the good old times?” Barty said while standing up, so he was taller looking down at the boy in front of him, they were so close that they could feel each other's breath.
“Yes” he answered firmly, after all it was not unknown to him, he and Barty had been together during most part of their last year of school, both knowing their connection went beyond that of a relationship. this was simply another way in which they were intimate.
Bartys lips on his, felt like a home he had missed, their kisses conveyed all the care and connection between the boys, it was incredible, their lips fitted like they were made to be linked for ever.
That night he and Barty kissed and touched each other with so much care and intimacy that all his worries seemed to disappear in Barty’s arms.
When he was about to fall asleep, Reg murmured to Barty “I love you Bee”
Barty kissed his cheeks and whispered “I love you too Regulus ”
They both knew what that meant.