Return to the heart

A week before the day he had been dreading, the day every single person in town had been talking about –some loathing the idea of giving up a young man who they had seen grew up to be killed, while others were more excited for the  great sacrifice that was going to grant them luck and possible eternity– the days were moving slowly, For Regulus it felt like the time had been changed to a gooey substance, slow, suffocating, he felt as if he was moving through it against his will, able to see everything and every moment that got him closer to the end. 

And today, the time was feeling especially slow. 

He opened his eyes, and was immediately too aware of the pressure in his chest, the thick air in his closed room, and the cold sweat that was sliding down his back. He hadn’t liked his birthday in a long time. Every year just a reminder of his life destined to be cut too short. 

Many people used to ask him if he was afraid, before they realized talking about the sacrifice with him would get them no answers, usually he was annoyed by the questioning, the morbid light in the eyes of the curious that only talked to him eager to meet someone that was this close to death, but even if he did wanted to reply, most of the time we wasnˋt sure how he felt about it. 

Sure he was scared when he thought about the specific details, he had always hated blood, violence, ever since he was small and Sirius used to say he wanted to die a heroic death, like dying as a knight protecting a castle or defeating some great beast; not even then, in those afternoons filled with childhood dreams and illusions, Regulus wanted anything more than a quiet death.

He still remembered sometimes the long conversations sitting in the field outside of their house. 

—--------------

“Definitely want to die as a knight…. WAIT- NO. as a mighty warrior protecting a town… OR hanged for stealing a great treasure, definitely that!! ” His brother said happily.

He had asked about what he was going to do after they left the house, and this is what the conversation had become. 

“Why would you like to die as a thief, Sirius?” he laughed as he imagined the absurdity of the heir of the noble house of black, hanged for stealing. 

“because…” he rolled his eyes, as if his reason had been obvious “it is exciting, it would be such a great adventure Reg, imagine, people would talk for ages about the incredible life of Sirius Black” his tone was amused, but Regulus could hear clearly the longing in his voice, a longing for legacy, for a name. 

“It's not my fault you are so boring Reg” his brother teased, laying down in the grass, definitely still thinking about his dumb dreams of a majestic death.  

“At least iˋll get to see my grandkids” he answered while pushing his brothers shoulder lightly “beside, I could still have an amazing death, just a romantic one” he let himself dream about all of those love stories he borrowed from the library, the amazing stories that kept him up at night, dreaming of a world in which love could be so grand that it defeated everything

For a kid that only knew the cold of the house of Black, a glorious death meant nothing compared to a life filled with love. “Think about dying in the arms of the one you love, old and surrounded by your friends, the family you have created, that’s way cooler than dying alone as a thief” he ended his argument decisively, raising his head to show that he had in fact won the discussion. 

“Pfff you are too romantic for your own good Reggie.”  He rolled his eyes“Besides, there is one flaw in your logic,I wouldn't be alone, of course I would need a loyal friend to tell my story, you would be there to write down my last words!” He said this with so much certainty that it made Regulus feel proud of the fact that his brother wanted him there, even in such a gruesome imagination. 

He pretended to think before he answered “hmmm, Im no sure Siri, I would be too busy living in my house with the love of my life” he looked at the indignation in his brothers face before laughing “but fine, maybe I could fit it in my schedule, just to make sure everyone knows what an idiot you where in your life”

Regulus only managed to take a breath when he was rolling on the ground with his brother, who was trying to stuff grass in his hair and mouth while screaming to him “you wouldn’t dare, you traitor! you have to tell them about my great adventures!” 

Between trying to catch his breath and avoiding the attacks of his older brother he managed to say “I’m sure everyone- will love to hear- about the great- Sirius Black– falling in a puddle— when trying to flirt” he said between the grass attacks.

Sirius looked at him with total betrayal in his face“You’ll see how I will be the only one visiting when you’re old and single”  he said, darting his tongue out.

Between more jokes and play fighting they both ended up laughing,, filled with grass and with their faces red from the sun.  

Even remembering the punishment that they both had to face for staining their clothes with grass, this was one of Regulus’s  favourite memories. 

—------------------

He thought about that and many more conversations that took place before his brother abandoned him; all the times Sirius had told him he was dumb for wanting a love like the ones he spent his day reading about.

It surprised him how much he had changed, and how much time had hardened him. 

As he woke up and looked at himself in the mirror before starting to get ready, he looked at the hard lines in his eyes that used to be so soft, the grey in his gaze colder than it used to be, a constant line of worry between his eyebrows, something cold and empty in his demeanor, he knew what had caused this, but still, looking at this aged version of himself, too worried, to cold, to angry, only made him feel empty at the reminder of another year lived, one more year, his last age ever.

He couldn’t help that  he felt slightly jealous of his brother, the main character in the memories that always plagued him in his birthday, that face that never turned sour, not even in the end, always a fire in his eyes, always a smile in his face, his loud laughter, his refusal to lose his brightness, he felt jealous, as the man that returned his stare in the mirror was nothing but an empty carcass, an actor for everyone, and there was nothing left of that little kid who used to dream of a love bigger than himself, he now knew that it didn't exist -Not even his brother loved him enough to save him-

He turned that thought away and with a heavy sigh continued to get ready for the day. 

—--------------------------

As he walked down the stairs, he noticed his parents waiting for him at the table, and tried to get past the hall and out before they could notice him, but the voice of his father calling him stopped him.

He breathed deeply and turned around, his face a mask of indifference once more

He continued breathing as the voice of his mother ringed in his ears “Good Morning Regulus. Were you not planning on joining us for breakfast today?” she said this with her typical composure, her gaze looking at his son in search for any mistake in his appearance. 

“I’m having breakfast with Barty ”he muttered, as quietly as he could, trying to avoid any of the conflict that the mention of his best friend could cause.

Walburga and Orion, both furrowed their eyebrows, such a similar gesture formed through years of proximity..

“You will not see that boy today Regulus, we are having dinner with your cousins, and that's final” her tone cold, controlled, expecting any flaw to explode into the burning anger Regulus knew so well. 

Any other day he would’ve sat down, shut his mouth and ate dinner and then found the perfect excuse to go out without upseting his parents, but today, as he recognized in the voice of his mother the cruel certanty that he would do as he was told, he felt the anger take a place inside his chest There is no fucking way i’m letting them ruin this for me aswell, he thought as he turned around and walked towards the door. 

The voice of his mother sounded incredulous as she ordered him to get back, but he couldn’t listen to her as the thumping of his heart in his ears made itself present along with the memories of other times he or Sirius had disobeyed an order it’s not like they can kill me anymore he thought bitterly 

And then with the angry sound of his name being screamed from his parents, he closed the door and ran. 

His heart was so loud he could barely think, as memories he never wanted returned to the surface, memories of crying, screaming for his brother and nobody showing up, of covering bruises and hiding marks from his friends, and the same cruel voice and piercing silver eyes in every scene, scrutinizing him for every little mistake, every hint that he might be even a little bit as his brother.   

As he arrived to Bartys house, he could no longer breathe properly and was very agitated when the boy with dark hair opened his door. Even in his state, he did notice the dark bags under his friends eyes and the sort of distant quality to his eyes.

In another time he would have asked immediately about it; after years of him Evan and Barty being each others only comfort, they had learned to read every tiny expression and sign in one another; he knew that look most likely was a result of one Bartemius Crouch sr.; and he was tempted to ask, to try to be there for Barty as he had been many times before. 

But everyday that got closer to June, he could notice his friends slippin away from his reach, Evan seemed more quiet,  closing his mouth even when clearly he wanted to say something, getting this dark expression out of nowhere and always saying “it's all fine Reg, let it go” every single time he tried to ask. Barty also seemed to talk less to him about his problems.

Even if he knew they never treated him like most of the town did, like he was some porcelain that had to remain untouched, he still could feel his friends, maybe without noticing themselves, being more cautious. 

So he decided to ignore the signs in his friend's  face, and opt for receiving the hug that awaited him instead. 

He tried to relish in this hug, the smell of Barty, his first love, his best friend, the smell of the cigarettes he never went anywhere without, and the distinct smell of wood and dust that was so distinct of his house, and the old attic in which he always went to think and be alone.

Regulus would definitely miss these hugs. 

As Barty started to speak he let go “So birthday Boy, what are the amazing plans for your twenty years of annoying me, huh?” he smiled, at the easy way they always got comfortable with each other, like there was nothing else to worry about but them. 

he smiled too as he began to walk outside of the house acting as if he didn't know his friend would be very excited by is next words “I was promised a dance Crouch, don’t tell me you weren't planning to deliver” he  said a bit teasingly, knowing if anything, Barty never broke a promise.

He could hear the scream of excitement right next to him, and he chuckled softly at the knowledge of his friend's reactions “You were serious about that?!!!, what about your parents did they actually let you?” he sounded completely incredulous.

“Well, don’t make it seem like I’ve grown another head Bee” Regulus said as he rolled his eyes, clearly amused at the expected reaction “I did say I would go, didn’t I?”

The loud laugh of Barty warmed his cheeks and made him smile as well, he truly didn't think he could love someone as much as he loved his friend, and he felt it even strongly with every second. 

“God Reg, you have just given me permission to make this the best night of your life, are you aware?” The smile stretched across his entire face, the dark look that haunted him a few minutes ago, gone and replaced by undeniable excitement.

He arched his eyebrows, turning to look at him, as they were approaching Evans door “Why does that sound like a threat” he sighed the words, wondering if he had made a mistake. “You better let Evan be the voice of reason in this”

Bartys eyes became bigger as he smiled at his words “that's because it IS a threat dear Reg” his look a bit crazed by excitement, and the clear resolution in his face to not let anything even resembling reason, interrupt whatever plans he was making. 

The door opened as he was about to reply, and the relaxed voice of Evan Rosier, interrupted the conversation “Happy birthday Reg” he hugged him with a warm quality that only his hugs had.

As they broke the hug, he handed him a tiny box, covered in a velvety green exterior. It looked very elegant but before Regulus opened it, Evan said “Don’t open it until later, ok?”. 

He nodded and thanked his friend  “Whatever you ask Ev”

“Why don’t you ever reply to me like that Regs…. so polite.” Bartys voice had a joking indignation to it and Regulus could only stare at him with his face blank and reply. 

“Because Evan actually deserves it, everytime we listen to you we end up in some crazy fuckin situation” he said this as he put the tiny box in his trousers pockets. 

“Lier!!!!” Barty screamed as he looked at his friends “When have I ever guided you wrong, Back me up Rosier, tell regulus I only lead us to fun and good decisions” he protested with a hint of amusement in his own voice. 

“I thought we had already given up on making Reg an actually socialized person Bee” he said as if he was analyzing a case. “Besides, as much as I love to prove Regulus wrong…” Regulus scoffed and showed his middle finger to his supposed friend who now has earning the title of traidor

Evan continued “... you do make us end up in some fucked up situations, my veredict is that you are both idiots who would have died years ago if it wasn’t for me ” he said smugly, raising his shoulders.

Immediately Barty and Regulus, their previous conversation forgotten, started to enlist everytime Evan Rosier had been exactly the opposite of prudent of responsable. 

Barty was in the middle of a story about that time Evan had decided that the best way to gain money was to reach into the old well outside of town, –which only lead to having to be rescued by firemen, while Regulus and Barty laughed their faces off with the pure red face of Evan as they pulled him out, and a two week cold–,  while Evan was trying to cover his mouth with his hand and Regulus was laughing so hard his stomach hurt, as they arrived at the center of the town. 

“So birthday boy, what do you want to do first? ” Barty stopped his story to ask. 

“Probably already had breakfast with your parents right? ” Evan offered, as he usually was demanded to attend breakfast. 

Regulus considered telling them about that morning, but he decided his parents would not ruin this day for him, so he just hummed and answered the previous question “I'm going to Merlin’s ”

Barty let out a loud complaint and turned to Evan pretending to cry “where did we go wrong with this one dear” he said pretending to faint, getting caught by the blonde, who followed his act. 

“Must be the amount of sad sappy books we allowed, oh god, I knew they were a bad idea” he replied with the same exaggerated voice. 

“I can't believe any son of mine would spend their birthdays in the library, buying old books, it's inconceivable,.. are you sure he’s mine?” he said taking a step back and looking at Evan dramatically.  

“I would never, ever be unfaithful to you dear, I'm afraid we must accept our son as he is… the biggest nerd in this whole town” his voice was dramatic, as he pretended to comfort Barty and cry. 

Regulus looked at this whole exchange unimpressed “You both are ridiculous” he deadpanned and started to walk to the library not caring if the other boys were following him. 

He heard the voices behind him “Wait For us! "They catched up to him and continued to talk about his choice for a birthday activity. 

he ignored them as he entered the small store with a wooden sign outside, the bell rang and he entered leaving his friends behind, as they surely would just make any game possible to not get bored in the store they already knew top to bottom because of him.

…………………………………..

The store was a small space filled with shelves that almost had no room anymore, they sold every single artifact or book necessary for working with runes, and he had come to love every corner of the old store deeply.

As the door opened, the familiar smell of wooden shelves and old papers hit their noses, Regulus immediately parted to look at the books on runes and olden magic to see if they had anything he hadn't read already. 

Ever since he had recollection, he had been enchanted by runes, such powerful instruments, that most people were too lazy to learn how to manage, he used to want to be a rune healer,but as with most things in his life,  his mother had never approved, the life of a rune master always one of an hermit, always submerged in books to try and perfect the knowledge to perform incredible acts of a magic that otherwise had been long lost, he thought of runes as one of his only acts of defiance, it was an interest he had maintained through the years, learning in secret without his parents noticing, and slowly become more and more familiar with the sigils and symbols in the old books he kept hidden in Evans house.

He continued reading along the book spines to see if anything new had arrived at the store, runes being such a uncommon practice, rarely anything new appeared in the store, but he had managed a sort of friendship with the old man that managed the business, and as he was also very interested in runes, even though he never got the experience to perform more than a few simple spells, he still shared long conversations with Reg about the complex magic that they both were so passionate about. 

He was reading the back of one book he didn’t recognize, as an unfamiliar voice reached him. 

“That one came just last week, a rare issue” 

He looked up from the book he had decided to buy, and saw a familiar girl that shared the copper colour of the storekeeper's hair. 

As she looked up, he saw recognition in the girl's face, and a flicker of suspicion seemed to flash in her eyes, before being replaced with a guarded look. 

Regulus wondered what had caused such a reaction, but he couldnˋt say he wasnˋt used to getting different ways to respond from the people that knew who he was, and what was about to happen to him. 

He was about to respond to take the redhead out of her thoughts, when she seemed to realize she was staring. 

“Sorry, Are you interested in buying this?” she asked, back to her kind voice, maybe a bit more serious than before. 

“Yes, I'll take it”,

“Are you Mr Evans’s daughter? you two look alike” he put on his most pleasant act, trying to get away from her prying eyes as soon as possible, he liked going to this store, specially because the owner never treated him any differently, so he wanted to buy his book and leave the place that now made him feel stuffy and uncomfortable. 

“Ah yes I’m Lily” she said while finally heading to the register “You know my dad?” 

“We’ve gotten to talk a few times when I buy spluplies” He answered Lily, who now appeared to have overcome her initial reaction and was trying to find the price of the book in her dad’s documents. 

“Didn’t know you liked runes” she said quietly, like she was talking to herself, but he heard her, and tensed automatically. 

“Well you don’t know anything about me, why would you know this.” He snapped at her, his tone suddenly sharp and annoyed. 

Regulus hated how everyone seemed to think they knew everything about him, when all most people knew was who his family was. 

Lily looked surprised that he had heard her, but quickly responded to his annoyed tone, answering with a sharp look, she almost looked like she wanted to roll her eyes. How can Mr Evans have such a disrespectful daughter? He thought looking at her with now clear annoyance. 

“Maybe you’re right, but doesn't everyone know you here?” she said, her voice cold, like she already knew everything she needed to know he was apparently not in her affections.  

before he could answer back, she muttered under his breath “Oh our holy saviour, so brave for making such a sacrifice” . The sarcasm was palpable in every syllable. 

Regulus felt like he had been thrown a bucket of cold water in his head, upon hearing the words his parents had repeated so many times to him before, suddenly he didn’t feel like replying to her anymore, just one more person that felt entitled to make assumptions about him and his family. 

She apparently was expecting a reply, because as he stood in front of her, his yes a bit glazed and his posture like a statue, no longer present, but stuck to the memories of his family; she looked surprised, even maybe a bit ashamed of how she let her thought slip, they both just stood there, her looking at him, and him too far to reach into his own mind. 

“Umm, I’m sorry, I know how much this whole tribute thing means to you and everyone” she said cautiously, probably  trying to fix her words. 

Regulus could hear her but he wasn’t aware of his surroundings, not sure of how long he had been in silence, until he felt the familiar touch of Evans hand in his shoulder, grounding him back to reality, reminding him that he had just been there to buy a book. 

When he returned his gaze to the redhead, he recognized regret in the small almost unnoticeable frown, the lines present between her eyebrows, but he truly didn’t care, he just looked at her in a way he knew made his eyes look remarkably like her mother’s, a look that made the silver turn sharp and dark. “You know nothing” restrained anger arising in him, that familiar frutrassion for how unfair it all was. 

She opened her eyes slightly, now looking careful as she asked slowly “you- you don’ agree… with them?....”

her words didn’t process fully in his head, still lost in his head, but he did hear the loud thud of the counter as he saw Bartys hand slam against it, ¿When had Barty gotten there?. 

“If you don’t shut up now with your dumb questioning, I swear I'll kill you” Bartys voice sounded low, paused, threatening, slipping through his teeth, now accompanied with a look thatnmeant he wasn’t kidding. 

The surprise was clear in her face, he noticed she jumped a little by the sound, her eyes were big looking at him, with a look so questioning he was about to ask what had made her look so bewildered at the response. 

But Evan interrupted once again, no sympathy in his voice “How much is the book so we can get out of this shithole” 

“20 quid” the reply came automatically for Lily.

Regulus snapped back to reality and left the money on the counter, getting ready to grab his book. 

But as soon as he reached for it, he felt the arm of the girl in front of him, grab his own and pull him close, now seeing eye to eye, she was searching for something, and Regulus usually a master in putting his emotions behind a wall, was so surprised that he took a moment longer to snatch his arm away and tear his eyes from the girl in front of him, that aparentl found some answers in his gestures because her eyes looked utterly confused, and glassy like she was about to cry. 

He didn’t get the chance to ask what the hell was her problem, when he saw the shadow of a blonde familiar face, that before had been grabbing his shoulder, move across the stand and in a matter of seconds push the girl against the wall, putting his forearm right under her throat. 

She let out a gasp and looked panicked as Evan looked at her with every ounce of hatred he could gatter and spoke to her again. “You ever fucking touch one of my friend again, and Ill make sure you regrett your decition for the rest of yourse misserable, pathetic life.” he spatt the word and as she was just quiet looking at him with crazed eyes he growled “You hear me?”. 

The girl could only nod as he stepped away as fast as before, 

Regulus was simply tired of all this fuss, and grabbed his friends. 

“We’re going” he declared, the three young men making their way out of the store, before reaching the door Regulus turned around and said a last thing “Say thank you to you father for the book, he is a nice man, and doesn't deserve me being rude just because he happened to have a prejudiced, asshole of a daughter” he scoffed as he went out of the store, his head hurting, and his friends at both sides of him. 

They left the store, leaving a shocked Lily Evans, that couldn’t seem to process what had just....' happened, she remained static against the wall of the shop, until she realized she  wasn’t breathing, as a sharp breath reached her lungs, her legs failed her and she landed in her knees, staring at the floor. 

the only thought present in her mind, turning around and around, making her feel dizzy: Was I wrong about Regulus Black? . 

She didn’t move for a long time. 

—---------------------------- 

A few hours after the incident going to the bookstore, Regulus was standing in front of a mirror in Evans’s house, still thinking about the erie look Lily Evans had given him after he was leaving the store, even after Brty an Evan assured him that they would kill her if she ever said anything like that again, and that he should be enjoying his birthday, he couldn't seem to shake the feeling of the moment. 

But his friends were right, he was supposed to be celebrating, so he was now  for his friends to get the “supplies” necessary for getting him ready for the party. 

 He found amusing the amount of excitement in Evan, and Barry's face when he asked what one was supposed to wear to those events, and that's how they came to the  in which they apparently had decided to turn him into a makeover project. 

He could hear his friends arguing inside the closet for the clothes they wanted to chose, he could hear Evan ask to Barty if he actually had any idea on how to dress like a human being, and Bartys loud protest afterwards, He closed his eyes and smiled to himself listening to the boys he loved more than anything in the world bicker, lately he was just getting aware of how many things he was going to miss. 

He stopped listening to the voices and as he opened his eyes he was faced with the confused faces of his friends that had both their arms filled with clothes. 

He arched his eyebrow at the perplexed expressions of his friends looking at him “What.” 

Barty started to talk “ Reg are you… feeling ok?” 

Now Regulus fel confused, why would he not be ok, he was simply sitting closing his eyes for a minute. “The hell do you mean Barty?” he asked, clearly confused. 

Now Evan answered, now with a tiny almost unnoticeable smile in the corner of his mouth “You were sitting here with your eyes closed and smiling like a crazy man” he said amused. 

“Smiling Reg. Smiling.” Barty looked almost disturbed, whereas Evan was simply smiling at the confused face of Regulus. 

He looked dead serious at his friends, wondering how he could actually like these two idiots “I’m allowed to smile you psychos, why is this a conversation”

“I didn’t think you remembered how to smile that big Reg, surely your muscles must have lost their mobility after using them so little” Bartys voice sounded truly confused, even when Regulus could now see they were only teasing him. 

“Fuck off you both, I smile all the time.” he claimed as he the first thing he found which turned out to be a pen at Bartys face, he moved just in time and the pen hit the wall with a small sound.

Evan laughed loudly at the indignation of his friend “Sure Regs whatever you say, may we know what was making you smile that way? ”

Regulus was NOT going to tell them he was thinking about their friendship. no way. He would never hear the end of it, so he just rolled his eyes. “I was thinking of that time you idiots, had to walk all of town naked because you didn’t check the current before going swimming in the lake, that always makes me smile” he answered with a tone completely relaxed, even though he knew his friends hated to remember that embarrassing afternoon.

The indignation in the faces in front of him, were worth everything, even when they both started to attack him with everything they could find, he tried to dodge as much as he could, when without notice he felt the impact of the muffin Evan had been eating before right in his nose. 

He was prepared to attack back, but suddenly his friends burst out laughing, so hard he could barely stay mad, ha laughed too at the easy dynamic he always had with them. 

“LOOK! EVAN! He's doing it again, he’s smiling!! what is going on? is this an alternative universe???” Barty continued to laugh loudly and Regulus could only laugh back and hit him lightly in the head, feeling truly happy to be with them instead of in the stuffy dinner his mother was probably preparing. 

When it was dark outside they were finally ready to go out, after two hours of fighting over the outfit for Regulus, while Barty had tried to get him to wear the most batshit crazy outfits know to man, which had made him refuse to even try them on, Evan gave him options so revealing he turned completely red after one second looking in the mirror. So finally after a lot of denied outfits, he was finally comfortable in a breezy white shirt that was a bit see-through, enough to stop the comments telling him he was being a prude. 

Barty was finishing getting ready and they were all excited and happy. 

“Are you completely sure you don’t want something more… fun?” Evan asked once again, he dressed in an outfit his mother would have a heart attack only looking at. 

“I’m perfectly comfortable as it is Rosier, for your information not everyone is a slut” he teased, pretending to be annoyed. 

“I’m just saying, you looked hot in the blue shirt” 

“Not happening Rosier.” he said as Barty entered the room ready to go out. 

“Oh Come on Reg. I think we both know you are anything but a prude really” Barty said while looking for the rest of his things. “You don’t even imagine Evan, the things he wanted to do… they made pure young me blush” he ended talking fast as Regulus sprinted to shut his mouth with his hand, the taller boy avoiding him while Evan continued to ask Barty about how he had been corrupted by the immorality of Regulus. 

He was red ll the way through his ears and he finally was able to put his hand over Bartys mouth “I swear if you don’t shut up, I won't go to the party”

The boy he had restrained  raised his hands in surrender and suddenly Regulu felt his hand being licked.  

“You are disgusting Crouch” he screamed trying to wipe his hand in the other boy's clothes. 

“Weren’t saying that the other night you Reg? If I remember correctly you were saying the opposite”

Before Regulus could sprint to try and shut up Baty, Evan finally was able to stop laughing and interrupted “alright, alright, lets end poor Reg's suffering, lets go.”

And so after a few minutes more of arguing, they were walking to the old pub right outside town. 

As they were approaching the familiar road, Regulus remembered the goal he had for tonight, his need to make up for all the time lost, for everything he was missing, so he made a small sound so his friends would listen. 

“Ev… I know you guys try dust when you go out…”  The blonde's face became wary of what he was about to say “I want to try it” he determined.

The green eyed boy that was walking ahead of them turned around “I don’t know Reg, it can be a lot”

Evan agreed with him “yeah, not sure it’s a good idea” he shared a look with Barty, a bit of concern for their friend. 

Regulus felt annoyed at their protection, h didn’t want them to treat him like he was fragile, he was determined to enjoy everything he had been denied so far and so he made that known to the boys in front of him “You do it al the time, I know you do, So why am I any different?” he argued. 

The green eyes of Barty searched for his own“You're not, but we have tried it before, in safe spaces, we don’t know how you can react” his voice was calm, like trying to talk to a reactive animal. 

“Am I not safe with you both?” he insisted, his choice clear in his mind “You had every chance to explore, to party, to be free, you know I didn’t, this is the only chance I’m going to get, this is my last opportunity to try to live, like you do… please…” he begged his friends, knowing they understood how he felt about all the restrictions of his life. 

Evan replied instantly “You do live Reg” he sounded sharp as he said this

“You know that’s not what I mean. Let me see the kind of life I could’ve had in another world, the kind of person I could've been if I hadn't been born in that cursed house, if everything hadn't changed” he knew he probably looked ridiculous and improper begging, but the reality of his birthday just made him more and more dessperate to cling into the last remain of life he had left, he felt like an addict, trying to grab on to everything he could before he lost his chance, and the thing he loved the most about his friends is that he knew no matter what, they never treated him with pity. 

There was a silence between them, and it was broken by the steps in the gravel of Barty as he continued walking, the other boys followed him in silence. After a few minutes he heard Barty sigh heavily and finally raise his shoulders. “Ok Reg. If that's what you want.. how could we say no to the birthday boy” Regulus chose to ignore the sadness that threatened to filter between the words and simply nodded, sure of what he had decided. 

……………………..

He and Evan were standing outside of the pub, as Barty had gone to get the dust from a seller they knew, The blonde boy had been quiet for a while, but it seemed he accepted what was going to happen as he was excitedly talking to Regulus again, about the cute bartender he had met the last time they had gone out. 

They were talking when they saw the familiar boy walk towards them with a little bag and a bottle of water in his hand. The bag contained white dust that looked almost like salt, and he waved it a bit in front of them. 

“Are you sure of this?” He raised his eyebrows and smiled slightly. 

And when Regulus said yes without any doubt, he opened the bottle and poured the dust inside it, shaking it.

 “Ok then, Let's do this” the wide smile in his face returned as he took a big gulp of the water and passed it to Regulus. 

He tough for a minute about how his mother would freak out if she found out, but he resolved he didn't’ care that much, so he took a big breath and drank from the bottle, that he passed to Evan, who finished it, and the three of them went to the door of the pub, talking excitedly. 

……………….

They had been there 20 minutes, and he didn’t feel any different, maybe it didn’t work for him or something, he felt disappointment but regardless he was happy dancing in a circle with his friends against the dozens of people that were moving as one inside the pub. 

He was bopping his head along with the live music, and he saw Evan and Barty jumping when an energetic song started to sound. 

As he was tired, he went to the bar, and ordered something to drink since the dust hadn't changed him at all. when he was waiting for the bartender to make his drink, he scanned the room, many familiar faces where there, but they all seemed too drunk or high to notice he was there I have to be careful to only be seen dancing with girls anyway he though, still aware of the possibility of anyone seeing him and telling his family, he continued staring at the crowd as the bartender handed him a glass, he downed it in one go, and kept swaying softly by the bar, his gaze suddenly stopped in the eyes of the one person that wasn’t ignoring him, he made eye contact with piercing hazel eyes that where staring and seemed to shine with something. 

He couldn't look away, they shined so much, they looked so deep, it felt like they turned red at times, how odd… those eyes looked so mesmerizing, he almost didn’t realize when the new song started because he was still looking directly into the boy that was right across from him. 

He felt unsettled, that guy was definitely not from this town, he had never seen him before, so what was he doing here, still staring at Regulus like he wanted to eat him. 

Had he been there a minute? or an hour? he didn’t recognize the face, he wanted to know him, what was he doing here, what did he want and why was he staring at him like that. so deeply. such a weird expression. 

As someone touched his arm, he broke eye contact, feeling the touch like it was heavy in his skin, sending a million sensations through his arm, he looked down and there was a girl with dark long hair inviting him to dance, her voice sounded like it echoed so it took a long moment to realize what was happening, but suddenly he found himself downing another drink and leading her to the dance floor. 

As the next song started to play, he felt the music curse through his body, his heart beating with the beats, the vibrations, and every touch of the unknown girl, feeling deep, profound, connecting, and oh,the lights, the people, he felt happier than he had in years, he couldn’t believe it! he was dancing and for once he forgot about his family and Sirius and everything else, he just existed for this moment, and this girl that started laughing happily as he twirled her, he laughed with her, and their laughs echoed through the whole place, being the loudest sound in the world. 

She said something he didn’t understand, so he got close and she repeated “You are cute” she laughed, her laughter made him happy so he started laughing too, not even aware of why but so so happy “Do you maybe have any more of what you're on?” she asked. 

“What do you mean what I’m on?” he screamed at her to listen even though he wasn’t sure if it had been too loud or too quiet. anyways she seemed to understand

He recognized the amusement in the girl as she said “Whatever you took, your pupils are big as plates, do you have more?” she said lighly again, still dancing to the music. 

What did she mean, the dust didn’t do anything so he only took his two drinks, he laughed again, what a funny girl, she must be on drugs or something, he didnˋt knew how long he had been laughing for, she said something about his pupils, why did she?.

He stopped dancing for a minute to look around and Oh.

We could see the energy of everyone around him, every single person, they were just bodies made of light, and everyone was so happy, so full of life, he felt full of life! This was amaizing. 

If thats what it felt like for Barty and Evan, how could they try to deny this to him?

He started walking to the bar again, not noticing leaving the girl behind who just shrugged her smile not wavering and continued dancing. 

He asked for another drink and while he was waiting he turned his head at the familiar voices of his best friends. 

Evan's blond hair was sticky with sweat and Barty just looked like a mess, his mouth stained with lipstick from someone he surely had been kissing.

“Reg! where the hell did you go!” Evans' voice was so melodic, so beautiful, he had to remind him of that, to speak more, it sounded like he spoke in a tune, like he was singing. He started laughing again. 

The bartender gave him his drink and he downed it in one go. 

“Hey! Regulus! How are you? " Barty asked again, and he realized he hadntˋd replied to them before, two pair of eyes were staring at him with concern waiting for him. 

“I have live coursing through my blood, in my skin, in my organs” he announced happily

Barty seemed to relax a bit after he answered “Is that a good thing Reg?” he smiled while saying that and Regulus could only think about it. 

“Your smile is bright Bee, did you know that?”

He heard the laugh he loved “I don’t think I did, thanks Regs” 

“Yep, and Evans' voice has music in it, it is amazing, and I have life” he continued to ramble as the thoughts formed into his brain “ Is this what everyone feels? Is this what life feels like?” he was out of breath  just from the feelings that were amplified in very possible way “I’ve never felt alive before, I’ve been a walking corpse ever since I was born, A ghost since Sirius left” he laughed when he thought that it was such a funny concept, a walking corpse. 

He didn’t notice the alarmed faces of his friends as he mentioned his brother, he hadn’t talked about him in years.  “It is so funny, being born to be a sacrifice, it’s like I never fully latched to life, like everyone at some point got life in them, you know?, but my life I have to hold with both my hands or it will slip out, you know?, you both are so full of life, that's a reason why I love you” He smiled and went to hug his friends that were paralyzed in their spots, not sure of what to do. 

“I love feeling alive…” He said once more lost in his thoughts“ What a shame” he shrugged like it didn’t matter to him, because in that moment it didn’t, he wasn’t the boy that had begged for his brother of for his life, he was someone else, someone that had life, he felt sorry for the other poor soul. 

“Reg… I think you nee-” he didn’t hear the rest of the sentence, because he found again the red eyes that were staring at him, directly. 

He started to walk towards the man, without hearing his friends calling him as he got lost in the middle of the bodies moving along each other like waves, like the clouds moving in tandem, he was part of them, finally part of the world of the living, he drank something he hadn't noticed was in his hand, and continued to walk towards the eyes that were now curious. 

He finally got close to the man and stood in front of him, he was beautiful, his skin looked perfect, captivating, he had brown curls that fell to his face and his eyes, his eyes were oceans deep. 

He desperately needed to know how his voice sounded so he asked “Why are you looking at me?” still lost in the eyes that didn’t seem to decide their colour.

The man smiled and christ, he was the most alive person in this whole room, his smile made his entire face change, he lost his air at how beautiful this man was, a worker from the bar offered them another drink, he finished it and as the man said very calmly  “Because beautiful things deserve to be looked at” he smiled.

 Regulus needed to continue listening to that voice, and he was about to ask him more, anything to keep him speaking. 

Then he felt the alcohol hit.

Those words were all he remembered and then he didn’t know what happened, it was like his head had turned off, his wires disconnected. 

At some point he remembered being back with Barty, he remembered kissing him in a corner where nobody could see them, the familiar lips in his, both tasting like alcohol and nicotine.

Now he was dancing with a girl, and he looked at some green eyes staring at him, he thought they were Bartys, but as he looked at the rest of the face, he noticed the red hair and freckles of Lily Evans, looking directly at him like she had seen a ghost, he was going to approach her, but the song changed and that was the last thing he knew of that. 

…..

He took a deep breath and the only thing he was aware of was the cold of the ground outside the  bar, and the hands of his best friends holding him and speaking to him as he arched once more, and puked more of everything he had drank or eaten that day. 

He felt Evans voice against his hair, soft and full of love “Its ok Reg, you are fine, this will pass” He felt like he was going to die, he wasn't sure his friend wasn't lying but it felt nice listening to him, Barty was helping him pull up his hair and was rubbing circles in his back. he puked even more and felt a sob break through his throat, he started crying, gasping for air, even when he still felt sick.

“Oh Regs, it’s going to be fine, this happens to everyone, it always passes”

Regulus felt sadness like everything in the world was now colourless, empty, 

“I hate being a ghost again.”

The only thing remaining in him was his crushing guilt and the only things he heard in a long time as he was standing in this cold alley, were the words of his friends.

“we are here”

“we love you”

“It will be Ok”

“Keep breathing”

“It's ok”

“breathe”

“breathe”

“breathe”

—---------------

He was conscious again, he felt the cold hitting his face, he was more aware than before as Evan and Barty were helping him walk uphill.

He fixed his gaze in the road around tham and  recognized the path to Evans house, which made him stop in his tracks.

“I need to go to my house” his voice felt hoarse, it was rough and it hurt a bit.

Barty looked at him like he hadn’t understood the words he said “Regs, there is no way you can go home in this state… stay with us, tomorrow you will need company.  If you want you can go back then”

Both boys continued walking with Regulus but he stopped again “I’m feeling better now, I just need water”

“Regulus-”

“You don’t get it," he replied, "if I'm not there today they will kill me, They will. If I’m back at least today things won't be as bad, I know her” he tried to reason, he knew exactly what he had to do, and if he wanted to be alright, he needed to be home as soon as possible. 

“No.” Evans' voice sounded angry, worried. 

“I have to, you know I do, I can’t hide from her forever and I can’t even get out of this fucking town, The latter I go home the worst it will be for me”

He recognized the look that he had seen ever since they found out how exactly things were inside the manor, he knew they wanted to say anything but they all knew he was right. 

“You have to, If you don’t take me there, I will go myself” he stated, he was tired and  his face must have looked awful, with tear streaks in his cheeks and dark bags under his eyes. 

He felt the tension of his friends but finally they agreed. 

When he was standing looking at his house, he felt Bartys hold get stronger not wanting to let him go.

“I wish I could protect you” his eyes were watering filled with impotence. 

“I’m fine, I don’t need you to protect me ” and maybe it was the rest of alcohol in his system, or everything that happened that night, but he let himself be a little bit vulnerable “This is what I’m used to, its fine, I'm just glad I got to see the world of the living, it is amazing… thank you”

Evan made a sound like he was drowning trying not to cry and he hugged Regulus trying to say everything he couldnt put into words. 

“I'll see you guys tomorrow, or maybe the day after, I promise, I’ll be fine, I'm going to get as much time with you as possible before June” he said calmly, back once again to the resignation, to ignoring the pain in his heart that made him feel like a black hole was emptying him. 

He started walking to his house, and didn’t turn around to see the two only people he had in the world breaking down in each other's arms. 

He opened the door to the cold house, trying to make as little noise as possible, and closed it behind him. He had a moment to let his eyes adjust to the darkness, when the voice he should be expecting made him shiver “Had fun in your little bar Regulus?” he turned to the living room, and saw both his parent standing staring at him, nothing in their eyes, cold, empty, inhuman.

“You reek of alcohol” his father said as he walked close to him, he couldn't’ move, everything was still spinning. 

He stood still like a puppet, such a normal state for him, waiting for the impact, for anything, and then he felt his arm being pulled up the stairs, his father was holding him with so much force that he felt his arm burn, trying to keep up with him. 

His father  stopped in front of the old door to his brother's room, which had been emptied completely, only the cold floor and the window visible, his father pulled him along, and pushed him inside. 

He knew they were talking to him but he couldn't make anything out of it, his head was splitting with a headache and he had landed in his knees, everything hurt, we was going to be sick again, the only words he heard before his father locked him in the room was “You are stupid if you think you’re going out of this house alone ever again” .

The door closed loudly and it made him jump.

As he sat with the familiar silence, he felt sick, his head hurt, his hands had been scratched against the floor, and he thought of everything that had happened in his birthday, trying to remember the amazing feeling that he had felt before, the beauty he had seen in everyone and everything around him, and maybe some hazel eyes that were still in his mind. 

Slowly he let himself down on the cold floor, and thought again and again at least this will be over soon. everything will be over soon.