The Life and Lies of Gilderoy Lockhart (as told by Peter Pettigrew)

It is safe to say I woke up with a terrible headache and a good amount of horror. This horror was related to a certain handsome blond who was clinging to me, fast asleep. My first instinct was to bolt upright and apologize, but he looked so sweet and peaceful that I thought better of it. Looking around the room, I saw that our only company was a large number of empty booze bottles and, upon closer inspection, a passed-out blonde girl in a Slytherin tie. I took in the scene, recalling how Gilderoy had fallen asleep on me the night before. He seemed to have gotten even closer during the night, his head slumped into my chest and his legs tangled in mine. His always perfect head of blonde waves now sported the worst case of bedhead I'd ever seen. It was adorable, and I tentatively ran my hand through his hair, smiling.

"Good morning, Peter."

I jumped, snatching my hand back. The singsong voice came from across the room, where the blonde Slytherin girl appeared to be awake. I recognized her the second she sat up, rubbing her eyes and smudging electric pink eyeliner across her eyelids. 

"Pandora!"

It was a whisper-shout, since I still did not want to wake Gilderoy, still deep in sleep. 

"It seems they've made quite the mess."

She glanced around, taking in the trashed common room, and sighed.

"Well, I suppose I'll get to cleaning. Do you prefer Joni Mitchell or the Beatles?"

"Actually, can we keep it quiet in here for a bit longer?"

I glanced at the sleeping boy laying on me. Pandora gave a knowing smile.

"Your boyfriend got a raging hangover?"

My head snapped up.

"Wha-he's not my boyfriend!"

"Hmm."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't believe you. He may not be your boyfriend, but you wish he was."

"N-no! He's a stuck up idiot with too much hair who's annoyingly likeable, and he's going to hear you."

Pandora only looked at me, then turned away and began humming, throwing cups into a waste bin with a pleasant expression. There was a long silence filled only by the tune of Blackbird by the Beatles and the sound of my too-fast heartbeat pounding much louder than Gilderoy's sleeping one. Eventually, Pandora broke into song.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All you life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly

She was nice to be around, I decided. And there was the added benefit that her singing seemed to relax Gilderoy even more, and he snuggled closer to me, so close I could feel his breath on my neck. I shivered, and decidedly put my arms around him. He could return to his own dormitory soon enough, but it was early on a Sunday morning and there was no reason not to keep him here for just...a bit...longer...

I woke with a start and found to my great disappointment that Gilderoy was gone and Remus was perched on the side of the couch.

"What time is is?"

My voice came out gravely and I cleared my throat.

"Around two. Gilderoy left about fifteen minutes ago. I tried to tell him you didn't mind, but he seemed pretty rushed to get out. Something about not getting too cozy."

I scowled. 

"How could he get cozier? He was the one who passed out on me."

"I don't think he meant he didn't want to be around you, mate! I think he was embarrassed. All flushed and stuttering and such. I think he likes you, Pete."

"Somehow I doubt that."

I was embarrassed too. I had kept him here, and he was probably upset with me. If I had just woken him up, maybe we could've had a conversation before he ran off. It wasn't even like we did anything. He was drunk and I was taking care of him. Only I fell asleep in the process.

I shook my head.

"Fuck, he must be so angry with me!"

"No he's not, Pete! He's probably angry with himself for falling asleep. Thinks he was a burden or something."

"But he wasn't a burden! It was nice..."

I trailed off, and Remus gave me a look. 

"You could go find him. Y'know, talk to him? He probably feels like shit too, the amount that he drank."

That was a good point. And suddenly I had an idea. 

"Hey wait! You think Lily still has that potion she made for James' hangovers?"

"That's a brilliant idea! I'll get Marlene to run up and ask her. Maybe you should change."

I looked down at my rumpled flannel, worn-out jeans, and the single sunshine-yellow Chuck Taylor on my right foot. The other was placed carefully next to my left foot, no doubt by Pandora.

"Maybe I should shower."

Remus snorted, and I headed upstairs to wash the filth of the party off me.

Fifteen minutes in a steaming hot shower later, I threw on a jumper and some fresh jeans, doing my best to dry my dripping hair with a towel. Remus had left the potion on my bed, and I snatched it up as I ran downstairs to the common room, filled with new bravery. That is, if a clean outfit and a semi-believable excuse to see my very pretty friend counted as bravery. I hoped it did. 

The Ravenclaw common room's eagle knocker eyed me up and down, and I got the feeling it was deciding I wasn't very bright. 

"I need to talk to Gilderoy Lockhart."

It smirked like its suspicions had been confirmed, and spoke in a taunting voice that made me dislike it even more.

"You throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, throw away the inside. What am I?"

"Can you just let me in please? I just need to drop this off."

I waved the bottle in the eagle's smug face.

He only repeated his riddle.

"You throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, throw away the inside. What am I?"

I paused. Then, feeling more intelligent than ever in my life, answered confidently.

"It was a mistake to ask me a food-related question if you didn't want me coming in. The answer is corn."

The knocker scowled, but the door swung open and I stepped into the Ravenclaw common room. It was empty, but only for a moment.

"Pete?"

It was Gilderoy, looking very handsome, albeit a bit unwell, in a grey tracksuit. 

"Oh, uh, hey Gilderoy! Just came to drop this off."

I shook the bottle of potion as he came down the stairs.

"I thought I heard your voice. What is it?"

"It's for the hangover."

It may have been the lighting, but I swear he instantly flushed.

"It'll help, swears. James takes it all the time."

I held it out to him, and he took it, his fingers brushing mine. 

"Thanks, Pete, you're a great..."

friend.

I didn't want to be Gilderoy's friend. 

"You're a great man."

The statement brought me back to the common room, where Gilderoy was staring at me with an unreadable expression. I guessed he didn't even want to be friends anymore. I'd overstepped. He was still staring.

"I'm sorry, Pete."

Gilderoy said it with resolve, his hand raising, and I closed my eyes, preparing for a blow.

There was no stinging slap across my cheek, however. Instead, I felt rough fingers tangle in my hair and then, all at once, I was pulled forward and Gilderoy's mouth was on mine.