A Brother's Wishes
A Brother's Wishes
(A story seen from the eyes of Sirius Black)
“Sirius Orion Black! You get back here right this instant!” His mother screeched, coming after him up the stairs, steps clipped and hurried.
His heart hammered in his chest, small feet rushing up ahead of her. He felt her tight grip, abrupt and painful, as she snagged his arm tightly in her hold. He turned around, crying out in pain, expression paling as he saw her livid expression. Her wand raised and his eyes widened in terror. No, no, no. He ripped his arm out violently, gasping as he slipped from the sudden movement.
He watched it all occur in slow motion. His mother missed a step and tumbled, ungracefully, and she began to fall. Sirius Orion Black cried out, reaching out a small hand to catch his mother but he missed. He watched her hit the floor, eyes falling shut as the sound of the impact resonated through the house. He looked down at her unmoving form in horror.
No, no, no.
What had he done?
Mother was mean and hurtful but he did not hate her. He never wanted to hurt her. He heard a cry behind him and he turned to see his small brother, staring down at his unmoving mother with wide eyes. He heard the pop of Kreacher appearing in the room. Sirius ran down the stairs. His eyes welled up in hot tears, streaming down his cherubic face. Reggie tumbled after him, unsteady and stumbling, as they both began yelling in panic.
“Mother! Mother! Are you okay?”
Who are you?
Sirius sat on his bed with his knees tucked to his chest. He wiped his wet cheeks roughly and stared ahead blankly. His mother did not remember him. She stared at him like he was a ghost before she succumbed into a deep slumber. The six year old sniffled quietly, listening to the faint sounds around the house.
He heard the footsteps of his father and he held still, scared and stiff. His father never hurt him physically like his mother but he was still wary. Father was not warm. He was always cold and distant. The door opened and Sirius stared upwards, face scrunching in fear. Orion Black was a formidable man with an unforgiving disposition. He stared at his son, face impassive. The young boy began panicking, breath picking up as the silence stretched.
Orion stepped closer, moving in until he towered over him, pausing by his bed.
“You will have no dinner tonight.”
Sirius nodded helplessly, watching his father with watery eyes.
“Father… I didn’t mean it… truly.”
Orion nodded.
Sirius looked away from his unnerving gaze.
Is she okay? Is she hurt? Will she hate me more now? Will she want revenge? Will she make it hurt? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. She’s scary. Father, please save me. Why does mother hate me? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Sirius kept silent.
The tears continued flowing down his face.
Orion watched him silently.
“Cease your tears child. You are my heir. It is unbecoming of you.”
Sirius nodded, rubbing his wet face. His parents hated it when he cried. They said it was a weakness. His father sighed heavily - like he was a total disappointment - and he walked out of his room, door closing behind him. Sirius buried his face into his knees, tears flowing rapidly.
He could not stop crying.
“Will mother be okay?” His younger brother asked softly, as they both lay in bed, staring at the constellation of stars above the older boy’s bed.
Sirius gripped his younger brother tightly in his arms. He did not know the answer. He had not seen his mother in days. She was confined to her home for rest. Only father was able to go in and out and see her. Sirius was scared. Terrified. He did not know how angry she would be after she fully healed.
Reggie tugged on his shirt collar to grab his attention.
Sirius stared down at his little brother.
His expression was searching.
Sirius smiled weakly, nodding.
“I think so.” He whispered.
Reggie continued staring at him, searching, searching, searching. His younger brother was intelligent and observant for his very young age. Only four years old but very perceptive which came with living with unpredictable and dangerous parents.
“Siri, why…” Reggie gripped his collar tighter. “Why does mother hate us?” He whispered weakly, grey eyes growing moist.
Sirius inhaled sharply.
He stared down at his little brother with wide eyes.
Reggie began crying.
“She’s… so m-mean… to y-you… and I h-hate it… and to m-me too sometimes. Why… Why are we n-not good enough?” He hiccuped, burying his face into his shoulder.
Sirius closed his eyes tightly, willing the tears back. He drew his brother close, shushing him softly as he cried against him. He had no answer to his inquiries. He always wondered the same thing every night before he slept as his body hurt from his punishments. Mother never really liked him. She did not love him.
He was always too loud, too expressive, too emotional. His brother learned to be the opposite. When Regulus learned loud was unacceptable, he learned to become quiet. When Regulus learned that expressiveness was frowned upon, he worked to hold his expressions in check. When Regulus saw his brother get punished for being too emotional, he held his emotions back.
Sirius hated it. He hated watching his little brother’s stand in front of the mirror and play at another character that was not his to play. The little boy was crafting a character that was silent, emotionless and inexpressive. He hated it. He was the exact opposite. Too loud, too expressive, too emotional. Too much. Sirius hated himself. He was too much. He was never good enough.
Why am I never good enough?
He held his younger brother tightly and felt his grasp on his emotions break as he cried with him silently under the cover of their constellations.
She stared at him, expression impassive. He felt his heart race rapidly in his chest. She was here to deliver his punishment. She did not look away, unblinking as she continued watching him. Sirius inched closer to his little brother, wrapping his small arms around him. He stared at her in fear as she spoke her first words to him.
“How old are you Sirius?”
Sirius blinked in confusion.
What?
It was a strange question. It had to be a trap. He swallowed thickly, answering her in a soft voice.
Don’t be loud. Don’t be loud. Don’t be loud.
“Six, mother.”
She turned her cold eyes to Regulus, staring at him unblinkingly. His brother began to shake in his arms, hiccuping in fright. Sirius gazed at his unfinished parchment and stared at his mother pleadingly. It was his fault. He had spent most of their study session speaking excitedly about dragons that his brother had been unable to finish his work in a timely manner.
He had to draw her anger towards him.
Punish me instead. Don’t hurt Reggie.
“Mother!” Sirius exclaimed, speaking loudly.
Mother hated it when he spoke loudly.
“I’m sorry!” He continued, getting louder with each word. “It’s my fault! I was distracting Reggie! Please don’t punish him!”
His brother flinched in his hold, a small hand grabbed his side tightly. He prodded him hard. Sirius winced. He knew his brother knew. Regulus was always very perceptive. He knew his mother hated loud noises and he had yelled at her, drawing her ire.
Regulus’ grip tightened and Sirius gripped him back, commanding him silently in ways only known to them. Stay still. He ordered silently. Never. His brother countered without words. He lifted his tiny face upwards, staring up at their mother with wide eyes.
Regulus began crying, hard.
Sirius froze in terror.
Mother hated crying more than she hated loud noises.
No Reggie, please stop. I don’t want you to get hurt.
“I’m s-sorry, I didn’t f-finish everything. I’ll w-write f-faster.” He cried more.
The boys stared at their mother, both in panic, both stepping up in their own way to protect one another. Their hearts beat together in terror, beat erratic and frantic as they gripped onto each other, waiting for their mother’s cruel judgement.
Sirius held onto his younger brother in a vice grip, watching his mother in fear. He froze, eyeing her with wide eyes as she moved closer and knelt by their side. Sirius watched, confusion warring through his mind as she uttered words he never thought he’d ever hear.
Her expression changed. It grew warm (?) Sirius did not understand what he was seeing. Mother was speaking to them kindly. She was not angry.
“Will you give me a chance to be better to you both?”
She smiled.
Sirius stared at her. It had to be a trap. It had to be. Mother was not kind. She simply was not kind. She hated him. She made that very clear every chance she got. His mouth opened without his permission.
“Do you…do you mean that?” He whispered.
She nodded.
Liar.
You hate me.
“Can I give you both a hug?”
Sirius watched helplessly as his brother broke down in honest tears, small body lunging, desperate at the first sign of affection. Sirius stared, watching the scene in front of him. His own eyes welled up in frustrated tears. Mother was cruel. Mother was very cruel. This was, by far, the most painful punishment yet.
It was hope.
He would very much rather the painful slaps or the cruel words. Not this. It hurt too much. He hesitated, as she gazed at him expectantly, she wanted him to join his brother in her embrace. Sirius swallowed thickly and stepped towards her unsurely. She wrapped an arm around him and hugged him gently, whispering promises of love and protection. Sirius felt his tears fall at the false promises.
He would not allow himself to believe but for his brother’s sake, he’d play along, until his mother tired of her new ruse. Surely this punishment would not last forever.
(One Year Later)
Sirius sat in his bed, small knees drawn to his chest. He stared up at the magical constellation of stars on the ceiling (courtesy of Kreacher), waiting as the clock ticked closer and closer to midnight.
A small smile played on his lips as it struck midnight. He was officially seven years old. He turned his gaze to his sleeping brother. He tucked the blankets up over his small body and turned to watch their names in the artificial sky.
Mother had remained kind.
It was strange.
Sirius was tired.
It all felt like a dream. He did not want it to end. He heard the sound of footsteps and he snuck under his covers, closing his eyes tightly. The door to his bedroom opened and footsteps approached his bed. He felt a familiar hand on his head, running through his curly hair gently. He held still.
“Happy birthday Sirius.” His mother whispered softly.
Sirius felt his eyes well up in tears. He felt overwhelmed. He hiccuped and he felt his mother freeze at the sound. He sat up slowly, pulling his blanket down. He began sniffling, fighting back the tears. His mother drew him close, expression patient and concerned.
“What’s wrong dearest?” She asked.
I’m scared.
Sirius wiped his wet eyes, staring up at her helplessly.
“Mother, when will I wake up?”
She stared at him in confusion. Sirius took a shaky breath, small hand resting on his sleeping brother’s arm. He drew strength from his presence. He needed to know. The truth would hurt his little brother too much. Regulus believed his mother’s promise to do better. Sirius was not sure. The dream stretched on and on. Months passed and an entire year went by and his mother continued to be kind.
“Will you become scary again?” He whispered.
He heard a sharp inhale.
“Do you think this is all a dream?” She asked softly.
Sirius frowned. He shook his head.
“I don’t know. It’s all… confusing… Is it not a dream?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.
His mother smiled. Her expression looked sad. It was strange seeing her like that. She reached forward and tucked an unruly curl behind his ear.
“This is not a dream sweetheart. I meant every word. It might take you a while for you to open your heart and trust me but I will wait, even if it takes our entire lives. I love you and I am proud of you. You,” she ruffled his hair. “And your brother,” she chuckled lightly, eyeing the sleeping boy who slept deeply. “Are the most precious gifts life has given me. Your happiness is all I want in this life.” She spoke.
Sirius watched her, grey eyes meeting grey. She did not look away, her eyes were honest. She raised her hand and held out her palm. Sirius stared at her, tears falling silently down his face. She smiled patiently and he rested a small hand in hers carefully. She held his hand gently, expression brightening.
“You’re proud of me?” He whispered in disbelief.
She smiled softly.
“Always.”
He felt a pinch in his heart and he whimpered, beginning to cry earnestly. Nothing made sense but he wanted to believe in his mother, like his brother. He was tired of being careful. He wanted to try to believe. He wanted to believe in his newfound happiness with his family.
It was his deepest wish: To be happy with his family by his side.
He gripped her hand tightly and leaned forward, crying into his knees as she continued holding his hand, not leaving his side as he welcomed his seventh birthday with hope.
The eleven year old made his way towards the Hogwarts Express train, eyes falling on the struggling boy with a worn-down trunk. His mother’s words rang through his mind and he smiled, seeing an opportunity to do good. He stepped forward, hand reaching out to steady the boy who stumbled up the steps.
“Careful.” He said lightly, hand reaching out to help him lift his trunk onto the train.
The boy flinched, turning to him with wide eyes. Grey met dark onyx. Sirius smiled in a friendly manner.
“Here, let me help.”
The boy watched him, eyes looking him up and down warily. He waved his wand, casting a feather light charm, perks of training with his father, and they entered the train together. Sirius looked around, smiling at the sight of many students. He turned to the boy, eyeing his rundown robes and worn sneakers.
“First year?” He asked excitedly.
The boy nodded. He was pale with dark straight hair.
“Me too. I’m Sirius.” He offered his hand. “Sirius Black.”
The boy stared at his outstretched hand, hesitantly clasping it.
“Severus.” He spoke, tone low. “Severus Snape.”
Sirius shook his hand with a friendly smile. He turned to the busy hallway.
“It’s nice to meet you. I’m going to find a compartment. I’ll see you around Severus.”
The boy nodded, watching him with a curious gaze. A loud feminine voice called out to the pale boy and Sirius took that as his cue to leave. He waved to the first year and moved into the crowd, wandering through the train until he found an empty compartment. Sirius immediately opened the window and stuck his head out, waving at his little brother with a grin.
“Black, Sirius!”
He took a deep breath and made his way to the sorting hat. The professors all watched him attentively. He sat on the stool and turned to the crowd of first years that watched him.
The hat touched his head.
“HUFFLEPUFF!”
What?
The eleven year old stared at the letter in apprehension. His peers chatted around him, speaking in excited voices as they surveyed their timetables. Sirius opened the letter with shaky hands, expression nervous. He read over the neat penmanship and he let out a soft chuckle, expression breaking into immense relief.
Dearest Sirius,
Deepest congratulations on your sorting, my child. I am very proud of you and I expected no less. I had a discussion with your father prior to your trip to Hogwarts. He also believed you would not be sorted into Slytherin. Your most dominant quality is your loyalty to those you love, mainly your younger brother. It is only natural for you to be in the house of badgers.
Do not fret about others opinions. It is unusual for a Black to be in the House of Hufflepuff but rest assured, your father and I do not mind one bit. Your father wishes you well and urges you to perform to the best of your abilities. Little Regulus is deeply amused by your sorting. It appears he had a bet in place with Kreacher.
Have fun and enjoy your time in Hogwarts. We look forward to seeing you on the holidays.
I miss you darling.
Sincerely,
Your mother.
The boy’s face lit up in a bright smile and he pressed the letter to his chest, feeling his heart expand in warmth. He pulled out a parchment eagerly and began penning his response with an impish smile.
The young preteen sat at his house table, body vibrating with excitement as he watched the sorting of the first years. His friends laughed at his eagerness, expressions amused.
“Chill Black.” His housemate commented, smirking.
“Never.” Sirius said with a grin.
He smiled brightly, catching the eye of his brother who waved at him eagerly from the entrance. His housemates cooed at the adorable sight of his little brother who lit up brightly at the sight of his older brother, watching the sorting. It was his brother’s first year at Hogwarts.
“Black, Regulus!”
Sirius watched as his brother strutted towards the hat, expression neutral and poise confident. The preteen laughed as the hat covered his brother’s head, wild curls splayed under the talking hat as it began speaking to his brother.
It was only a brief moment before it hollered:
“RAVENCLAW!”
Sirius threw his head back and laughed loudly.
The seventeen year old sat on the floor of his bedroom, papers splayed all over the wooden floor. His bedroom was a total mess but it was organized chaos. He knew where every parchment was and what it indicated. He flipped through the large Atlas in his lap, a smile playing on his lips. A globe twirled on the ground next to him.
The door to his room opened and footsteps followed.
“Have you decided?” Regulus asked, entering his room.
His brother gazed at the mess, chuckling lightly. “It’s always crazy in here.”
Sirius smiled up at his brother. “There’s a method to my madness Reggie.”
Regulus took a seat on the messy floor, picking up the Atlas. He flipped the pages, eyeing the bookmarked pages with a curious gaze. Sirius picked up the globe, tossing it between his hands as he gazed at the fifteen year old teenager.
“Want to join me when you're done or is your plan a boring Ministry job?”
Regulus laughed. “I have not decided but… perhaps a few years of seeing the world would not hurt.”
Sirius smiled, tossing him the enchanted globe. He intended to travel the world and see all that it had to offer. He did not desire a Ministry job or a tethered monotonous life in the unstable climate of Britain. His parents supported him. It was nice to have his family behind his back, supporting his dreams and wishes. Most of his yearmates were dealing with betrothals and taking on duties as Heirs to Ancient Houses. He was spared such fate as his father continued his duties as Head of the household.
The man had thawed over time. He was still more distant than other fathers but he was amiable to his life choices, an exception that was not allowed in other families. He was grateful for the change in his character. He was not tied down to any betrothals as his mother wished for him to navigate his own marital affairs in the future.
Marry for love. She had told them both.
It was a rarity for Purebloods of sacred bloodlines but both boys had taken her words to heart. Neither were interested in pursuing relationships for the time being. Sirius eyed his brother who smiled as he flipped through the Atlas. His brother shared his dream of travel and exploration.
“I’d like to start somewhere small and tropical.”
Sirius spoke excitedly, waving his hands expressively as his brother listened attentively. The pair spent their summer planning. Sirius had graduated with flying colors, as Head Boy, with a perfect performance for all seven years, adored by all his peers and professors. His brother was following in his footsteps, already a Prefect and with many offers for future Ministry positions. Sirius had refused all positions. He was not one to enjoy a life sitting in a cubicle, drowning in paperwork.
He enjoyed his time in Hogwarts greatly but he yearned for an unconventional lifestyle. He was a Black. He had all the wealth to support his uncommon choices. His father did not demand that he fulfill his duties as Heir immediately after graduating. He allowed him a grace period contingent on his performance in Hogwarts. Sirius had exceeded his father’s expectations.
“Siri! Look!” Regulus laughed, showing him an image of strange wildlife. “This one looks like you!”
His brother threw his head back and laughed loudly, doubling over as the elder joined him, finding a more ridiculous looking creature to compare him too. The pair fell over each other giggling and wheezing as the comparisons grew more ridiculous.
Their parents found them, doubled over laughing, with papers and books haphazardly all over the floor. Their father shook his head at their antics as their mother laughed, amused by the sight of her two children snickering among a pile of papers and books.
The seventeen year old stared up at the quaint cottage with wide eyes. His brother stood silent next to him as his parents stood a few feet behind the pair, speaking quietly to each other in hushed voices. Sirius turned on his heel, kicking up sand as his eyes fell on his mother.
“This is it?” He asked breathlessly.
His mother smiled, eyes crinkling and she nodded in acquiescence. Sirius turned back to the cottage on the hill. It was up on a green stony hill, surrounded by shrubs of greenery with a backdrop of thick tall trees. A vast woodland stretched out behind their property, deep and filled with unexplored territory.
The sea stretched before them, waves crashing and seagulls cawing as they circled the air.
“Do you like it boys?” His father asked in a quiet tone.
Sirius turned to his brother and they exchanged excited smiles as they stared up at their new home. He eyed the deep woods and grew curious about the magical community that lived further beyond the woods in the small village. It was much different than Britain. It was warm and tropical, bright and peaceful. Sirius eyed the strange birds flying up in the sky, heading into the vast trees. Regulus stepped closer to him, nudging him lightly.
Sirius smiled.
“It’s perfect father.” He spoke truthfully.
Sirius eyed the magical species with curious eyes. He was eager to begin exploring the new land.
“Race you?” His brother spoke cheekily, grey eyes dancing in mirth.
Sirius squawked in offence as his brother took off towards the hill. He laughed, taking chase as his brother snickered, running faster. Sirius looked over his shoulder, turning to eye his parents who stood by the oceanic waves, expressions calm as they traded quiet words together. He turned forward, wheezing as he reached the top of the hill. He gasped, falling into steps with his brother as they took in the breathtaking scene of the ocean spread out before them.
Sirius threw his head back and let out a cheer, carefree and loud. He pointed up at the sky, beyond the flying birds, to where he knew their constellations would shine over them brightly in the night sky. His brother smiled, leaning into him, as they both stared up at the setting sun.