A Brother's Wishes II
A Brother’s Wishes II
(A story seen from the eyes of Regulus Black)
Small panicked footsteps echoed through the dreary halls of Grimmauld Place. The four year old boy pressed his small hands to his ears, eyes burning hot as he ran from the sound of angry screams. He threw the door open to his room and ran inside, grey eyes searching desperately for a place to hide.
Regulus Arcturus Black dove under the covers of his bed. He lay shivering in fear as he awaited his punishment. The door to his room slammed open and he lifted his head up in fear. His older brother entered the room, gaze frantic and expression determined.
The older boy ran up to him, seizing his arm. He pulled him off the bed.
“Hide.”
He ordered urgently, shoving him into the closet with wide fearful eyes.
Regulus opened his mouth to protest, eyes widening as his brother slammed the door closed, locking it. Regulus pounded his fists against the door - SIRI! - The bedroom door was thrown open and he watched through the cracks helplessly as his brother turned to face their livid mother.
Walburga Black raised her wand and his brother began screaming .
Regulus sat by his brother’s side, crying helplessly over his unconscious body. He held his hand tightly in his small hold, hiccuping as his brother remained unmoving. He stayed seated, watching as the sun began to sink into the horizon. It felt like forever. Time stretched on and on as the night fell.
He felt his brother’s fingers twitch in his hold and he gasped, watching him eagerly. Sirius let out a pained groan and his eyelids fluttered open. Regulus cried out as his brother began to sit up. He threw his arms around him and clung to him tightly.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He repeated. “It’s all my fault Siri. I made her mad this time.”
His brother patted his back tiredly, pulling him into his embrace.
“Did she find you?” He asked in a hoarse whisper.
Regulus shook his head. “No.”
He cried harder. His brother always cared about his well-being and neglected his own. He stood as his shield and protector, against the cruel punishments and admonishments of their mother. Sirius always got hurt because of him. It was unfair. His brother deserved better.
The older boy shushed him, holding him in his hold as the younger cried. It was his fault. He had messed up over dinner and his mother was livid at his imperfect manners. He ran away in fear as she picked up her wand and his brother took on his punishment.
Regulus hated it!
He wished nothing more than for his brother to never hurt again. He wanted him safe and happy. It seemed like an impossible wish in House Black. Regulus hiccuped and he gazed through bleary eyes to the bright stars out their window. He gripped his hurting brother tighter, eyes locking on a shooting star and he wished with every fibre of his being.
Please, just this once, grant my brother happiness.
The small boy paced his room anxiously, moving back and forth as his best friend and house elf watched him in concern. He tugged on his loose curls and bit his bottom lip, fists clenching and unclenching. Regulus groaned, turning to his elf with watery eyes.
“What do we do Kreacher?” He asked helplessly. “When mother wakes up, she will hurt Siri.”
“Master mustn’t be foolish.” The elf spoke carefully, looking at him imploringly.
Regulus pouted, staring at him with watery eyes. Kreacher was able to read him very well. He could never hide anything from his best friend.
“But I don’t want Siri to hurt!” He cried out.
“Master Regulus mustn't get hurt trying to protect Master Sirius.”
Regulus groaned, laying flat on his face on his bed. What do I do? He had no solution. His mother would wake up and there would be a bloodbath. He rolled around in his covers, body covered in multiple layers of fabric. He felt a soft hand on his head and he sniffled as his best friend patted his head in comfort. There was no way out. Sirius had not meant to hurt their mother. His older brother had so much love to give and he loved his mother. It was an accident.
But mother would not see it that way.
Regulus gripped his pillow tightly, burying his face into the silk covers. He sat up abruptly as he heard the familiar footsteps. The door was thrown open and his older brother stood on the threshold, face breaking into a soft smile.
“Why the tears, little brother?” He asked teasingly as he walked in.
Regulus huffed, falling back into the covers. Sirius walked over, sitting on the bed next to the lump under the sheets.
“Up, up Reggie.” He ordered.
Regulus ignored him, burrowing in deeper. His brother laughed at his stubbornness and grabbed the entire bundle, hoisting his resistant body up in his hold. Regulus squawked in offence as he was dragged off his bed. He went limp in his arms, grumbling and sniffling sadly.
“Siri… Am I bad… for not wanting mother to wake up?” He whispered.
Sirius continued carrying him, walking through the quiet cold halls. Regulus poked his head out of the sheets, staring up at his brother who stared ahead as they walked the dark halls. He made his way into the Black library, setting his brother on the couch. He wandered to the shelves, picking up a book on dragons and he settled next to his little brother with a complicated expression.
“You’re not bad Reggie.” He whispered with a smile. “I… I wished the same.” He confessed.
“Do you think I’m a bad person?”
“No!” Regulus protested immediately. “I just… don’t want mother to wake up and hurt you.”
Sirius ruffled his hair. “I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.”
Regulus stared at him, shaking his head. His brother was not fine. He was scared that one day it would be too much and his brother would leave for good. Sirius was strong. He was a formidable shield and sturdy as a statue but… statues crumbled with time. He did not want to lose him. Sirius was all he had. It would break him. He did not want to live a life without his brother by his side. It was not worth it.
Regulus tucked his body into his brother’s side and listened to the fictional story of dragon adventures, mind far away with fears of future abandonment and impending loneliness.
The four year old stood in front of the mirror, practicing his facial expressions. He stared intently at his cherubic face. He smiled then allowed his face to fall into an expression of impassiveness. He practiced a few more times, frowning. It was not good enough. He sighed, starting again, practicing controlling his features and reactions.
Expressing himself freely often landed him in trouble.
He gripped his cheeks, glaring at his reflection.
Do not smile widely. Do not laugh loudly. Be quiet. Be careful. Do not show how you feel.
He heard a sigh and looked over to the door. Sirius stood at the edge, watching him. He had not heard him come in.
“I wish you wouldn’t do that Reggie.” He said softly.
Regulus frowned. “But I have too. Mother hates it when I’m free with my expressions.”
Sirius stared at him, expression angry. “Mother isn’t always right you know…”
“But… she’s Mother.”
“And she can be wrong at times, perhaps many times.”
Regulus shuffled uncomfortably. He did not know how to respond to such statements. It felt wrong. Mother knew best. But did she? She always hurt Sirius and sure, his brother was loud and stubborn but he did not deserve to bleed and cry in pain. Mother knew best but was she also wrong? He did not know. Adults had the answers to everything. They were not wrong. It was all very confusing.
His brother entered his room, gripping his wrist.
“Come, we have to complete our studies. And…” He looked at him carefully.
“Mother is awake.”
Regulus felt his heart drop.
“Will you give me a chance to be better to you both?”
Regulus laid in bed, eyes on the constellations playing on his bedroom walls. His eyes hurt from all the heavy crying he did. His mother had given him a hug. It was the first hug he received from his mother that he remembered. It felt very nice. It made him feel all warm and hopeful. He gripped his blankets tightly, hands tugging on the soft silk sheets.
The boy turned on his side and stared out the window, watching an owl fly by.
Is this real? He wondered. If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.
Regulus stood in front of the mirror practicing his facial control. He inhaled deeply, holding the neutral expression for as long as he could. The door to his room opened and he froze, turning to face his mother with wide eyes. She stared at him with a strange expression. He had not seen that look on her face before and did not know what it meant.
“Am… am I in trouble?” He whispered in panic, wringing his hands nervously.
His mother stepped into the room, shaking her head. She knelt down and took his hands into her hold gently.
“Regulus, what were you doing in front of the mirror?” She asked gently.
Regulus looked off to the side. “I.. I’m practicing.”
“Practicing what?”
“My expressions.”
His mother fell silent. Regulus clenched and unclenched his fingers as he trembled nervously.
“Oh dearest.” She said softly. “You don’t have to do that.”
She reached forward and patted his head gently. “You’re allowed to show any expression you want. You’re a child sweetheart. You should be expressive and open with how you feel.”
Regulus stared at her in confusion. “But you said… showing how I feel is unbecoming of my status as a Black.”
She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes as if she was in pain. He watched her in puzzlement. She was not making any sense. She ordered him to do one thing and now was asking for the opposite. He did not like it. It scared him. The rules were changing. He did not want the rules to change. If they changed, he would make more mistakes. He could not predict his mother’s reaction and it unsettled him.
He stared up at her, feeling very tired.
New rules.
He nodded.
He had no choice. Mother was in control. She made the rules. He would follow her new rules and hope they did not land him in trouble. He released a shaky smile, lips wobbling unsurely, as she smiled back at him, expression remaining sad.
Regulus froze as the fork slipped from his fingers. Everything felt hot and his head was hurting terribly. He stared up at his mother with wide eyes, bottom lip wobbling in fear. He always had perfect manners but he slipped at times.
He was so tired.
Everything ached.
Everything felt hot but he also felt cold.
He felt his brother stiffen next to him.
His father lowered his goblet, watching the scene with a neutral gaze. His mother stood up abruptly. He heard the tap tap tap of her stride as she neared him. His eyes fell on the fork that landed on the floor and he sniffled. He did not mean it. The fork suddenly felt too heavy. Too much. He curled into himself as his mother stood over him. He closed his eyes tightly as she moved .
He felt a soft hand on his forehead and he opened his watery eyes in confusion.
Her touch did not hurt.
“Mother?” He heard his brother whisper, sounding hesitant.
Everything was growing blurry. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he heard the voices of his family above him. He felt the ground shift beneath him and he felt warm, cradled in a gentle hold. Regulus stared into a curtain of dark hair and he gripped the soft fabric in confusion as he continued sniffling.
“He has a fever.” He heard his mother say softly.
“Let him rest.” His father spoke.
The voices fell quiet and he closed his eyes. The tap tap tap of his mother’s heels continued as she moved. Oh. She was holding him. He gripped her tightly, crying into her shoulder. He felt gentle pats on his head and he whimpered. His vision was swimming and he felt terribly fatigued.
He closed his eyes and lost consciousness.
He was running, sprinting, breaths uneven as he rushed through the dark halls. They were not ending. They stretched on and on as he ran desperately. He tried to speak but his voice would not come out. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt.
Tap, tap, tap.
The noise of the footsteps followed him in the dark, getting closer.
He stumbled, falling onto his knees. He cried out, turning around to stare into the dark.
Tap, tap, tap.
The noise was closer.
“M-mother.” He breathed, eyes watering, as she stepped out of the shadows.
Her lips were pinched together, expression displeased.
“I’m sorry.” He cried out in vain as she lifted her wand.
Her voice was a vicious whisper and he screamed, falling into the darkness.
Regulus shot out of the bed, a scream on his lips. He looked around him with wide eyes, gazing at the walls of the bedroom. He heard a shuffle and he blurrily looked around him. He hiccuped, loudly, seeing her worried expression.
It was Mother.
She looked different.
She was not angry.
Worried?
Regulus lifted his arms, lower-lip wobbling as he sought out her comfort. He wanted this version of his mother forever. He stared at her through his tears pleadingly. It was a dream. A nightmare. A manifestation of his fears. She was not Her. She was kind. She was not the monster in his dreams. She was kind and she promised to love him. He wanted the monster gone forever. He wanted Her to be his forever mother. He did not want the monster to return.
He wanted to believe in her promise to him.
“Will you give me a chance to be better to you both?”
Yes. His heart answered for him. I will give you a chance.
“Mother.” He sniffled, expression begging for comfort.
His mother stepped forward and engulfed him in her arms as he cried , gripping her tightly.
The young boy gripped the thick branch with his small hands and he hoisted his body up with a smile. Her brother stared down at him from his spot on the tree, grinning challengingly at him. Regulus laughed as he climbed upwards. He glanced down. His mother stood watching them climb the tree, a smile played on her lips.
Regulus steadied himself on the branch and stood up on wobbly feet.
“Be careful darling!”
Regulus waved down at his mother with a smile. He looked towards their property. The wind fluttered through his curly hair and he heard his brother holler at him playfully, urging him to climb higher. The seven year old gazed up at his older brother, a challenge in his eyes. He gripped the next branch, finding his footing. He glanced down at their property, pausing as he saw the figure of his father watching the scene unfold.
He missed his step and felt his stomach plummet. Oh no. His brother was yelling. He sounded scared. Sirius was too far. Regulus felt the air whip around him as he started to fall. He closed his eyes tightly.
It would hurt.
Wait.
Where was mother?
Ah, I’ll be fine. It’s okay Sirius. Don’t be scared. I won’t get hurt.
His lips twitched in a smile as he felt the warmth of familiar magic slow his descent. He felt a warm embrace and the smell of flowers engulfed him. It smelt like home . Regulus opened his eyes and his mother smiled down at him.
“Silly child. I told you to go slowly.” She reprimanded lightly.
Regulus threw his arms around her neck. “I knew you’d catch me!”
She laughed lightly, hugging him back. He gazed upwards, seeing his brother staring down at them with wide eyes. Sirius shook his head, expression bright with relief. The elder boy smirked.
“You lost Reggie!”
Regulus pouted in dismay.
The boy watched his brother fix his robes. He held back the tears with burning eyes. The Hogwarts Express stood behind them. Sirius turned to his family with a bright smile and his grey eyes fell on his smaller form. His expression grew softer and he stepped forward, hugging his younger brother tightly.
“Don’t forget me.” Regulus spoke desperately, gripping him tightly as he felt his tears slip.
“Never.” Sirius promised.
His brother stepped away, exchanging soft words with his mother. Regulus gripped his mother’s robes, eyes taking in his brother’s features sadly. He was missing him desperately already. He watched as his brother rushed to board, pausing to help another first-year with his trunk. He leaned into his mother's side, sniffling as she ran a hand through his hair.
“He’ll be back.”
“I’m scared that he’ll forget me… that he’ll find company he’d prefer over me.”
His mother knelt in front of him. She took his hands into hers and she smiled at him.
“You are the center of your brother’s world and you always will be. As he is yours to love and cherish, you are also his to love and protect. Look-” she inclined her head to the train. “Do you truly think that he would forget you?”
Regulus looked up and he giggled through his tears. Sirius was half hanging out the window, waving to him frantically, a wide grin on his face. He looked very silly and hardly the dignified heir of House Black.
“Bye Mother! Bye Reggie! I will take Hogwarts by storm!” He promised, his smile impish and grey eyes bright.
Regulus gazed at the brightest star in his life and he believed it. He could not imagine a world where his brother would abandon him or choose another person over him. He rushed towards the train, stopping by his brother’s window.
“Siri!”
Sirius grinned down at him.
“Reggie!”
He did not need words. His brother understood him perfectly well. They smiled at each other brightly. Their mother stood at a distance, watching them both with a soft smile. The train whistled and Regulus stepped back, watching his brother wave until he disappeared from sight. He wiped his wet face, feeling lighter. He turned on his heel and rushed to his mother, gripping her hand.
“Let’s go home mother!”
The boy laughed loudly, upper-body resting on the table as his shoulders shook in mirth. His father sipped his tea calmly as his mother tsked in the background softly as he lost it at the breakfast table. He heard the grumble of Kreacher as he lost his bet against his best friend.
“Hufflepuff!” He giggled with glee, waving the letter in his hands.
“Settle Regulus.” His father said quietly.
“Oh let him have his fun.” His mother said with a smile.
His father sighed, eyeing her with a contemplative gaze. Regulus continued giggling as his mother shook her head. Her lips lifted upwards in amusement.
“But father! Hufflepuff! Oh this is just delightful! Can you imagine how everyone will react?” He continued snickering.
“I do not know how anyone expected he’d be anything else.” His father spoke. “Loyalty is your brother’s greatest defining characteristic.”
Regulus quieted down, smiling softly at the letter. He looked up at his parents, eyes growing soft. His father was right. His brother was always his protector. The boy grabbed his quill, ignoring the rules of no-writing at the table during eating in favour of responding to his brother’s letter immediately.
Dear my badger brother.
He began with a grin.
The eleven year old laughed and he shoved his brother away from him, ignoring his squawk of indignation. He gave a smirk over his shoulder, making his way onto the train with confident steps. He intended to make his own friends, just like his brother did. He wanted to pave his own path, independent of Sirius. He waved at his brother, intending to meet the elder sibling’s friends later, strangely his brother’s closest friend was a half-blood Slytherin.
Regulus ignored the eyes that followed him, whispers starting up as he walked past. His brother was famous. The whispers were curious and excited. Regulus poked his head into a compartment, eyes falling onto a pale freckled boy who had his nose buried into a book. The boy did not look up, eyes locked on the words in the page, deaf to all the noise around him.
Regulus smiled, intrigued.
He closed the door and stepped in, taking a seat across from the other first year. The steam engine whistled loudly. Regulus turned to wave to his mother, smiling brightly as he poked his head out the window and called out to her.
She smiled and bid him a good year with soft eyes. The train took off and the boy turned to find a curious gaze. Blue met grey. Regulus smiled in a friendly manner, eyes taking in his compartment companion.
“Hi.”
“Hello.”
“I’m Reggie.”
“I’m Barty.”
The boy smiled, blue eyes curious. Regulus felt his smile stretch, growing more genuine. He wanted a friend to befriend for his character, and not his name or his wealth or status. His mother stressed the importance of making real friends to him and his brother. The boy introduced himself in a similar manner, with no hint of his family relation, simply just his own name.
Regulus liked him.
“What’re you reading?” He asked curiously.
Barty’s eyes grew brighter. He lifted his book and leaned forward, speaking excitedly, reserved energy diminishing with each second. The scenery changed and the boys shared various snacks from the trolley as the hours flew by.
“Black, Regulus!”
Regulus turned to his new friend and waved, a smile on his face. He saw Barty’s eyes widen at his family name and he inhaled deeply, schooling his face into a neutral position as he moved to the front of the hall confidently. The hat was placed on his head and it immediately blurted:
“RAVENCLAW!”
Regulus heard the loud cheer in a familiar voice and he hopped off the stool, smiling at his brother who was cheering up a storm from the Hufflepuff table. Regulus took a seat and searched the crowds, eyeing the boy on the train, who smiled up at him as he caught his gaze. Regulus felt his relief overtake him and he smiled back, giving the first year a wave.
“Crouch, Bartemius!”
Oh.
The boy stepped towards the front, eyes locking on him for a moment, expression thoughtful. Regulus gazed back, curious. The hat covered the boy’s eyes. It was quiet for a moment. The first year watched the sorting eagerly. The hat appeared to be laughing before it bellowed:
“RAVENCLAW!”
Regulus clapped enthusiastically, face breaking into a happy smile. Barty made his way over, plopping into the seat next to him. He turned to him with a slight smile.
“So Black huh?”
Regulus snickered.
“So Crouch huh?”
The boy chuckled, eyeing him in amusement. The rest of the sorting went by hurriedly as the pair chatted excitedly about their anticipated classes.
The seventeen year old stepped out on the front porch of his family cottage, eyes taking in the familiar landscape. He inhaled deeply, turning to his parents with a soft smile. His brother rushed ahead, eager to begin their travels as he bounced on his feet impatiently. Regulus shook his head fondly and turned to his mother, grey eyes growing soft.
“Take care of yourself, mother.” He stepped forward, encasing her in a tight hug.
He was much taller than her now.
“Write to us.” His father spoke.
Regulus nodded, offering his father a handshake. The pair shook hands formally, grip firm. The Hogwarts graduate turned to his travel companion and he shook his head in amusement as Sirius twirled the portkey between his fingers. His brother smirked, grey eyes bright. The pair turned to their parents and gave a last wave. Sirius gripped his brother’s arm in a firm hold and he smiled down at him.
“I got you.” He assured.
Regulus nodded. “Always.”
The portkey activated. Their parents faded from view, their expressions proud. The landscape shifted and the two brothers embarked on their first of many many journeys.