The First Time You Ever Saw Me Cry
Sirius is looking at himself in the big mirror of Lily’s bathroom. He stands there, with just the light of a few scented candles that Lily always likes to light up. He looks at the shadows on his face, the ones cast by the soft light and the ones burned into him like a second skin. His reflection stares right back and they seem strangers to each other. He and his reflection, two in one. He didn’t feel like himself, it was him, but not at all.
As he blinks, that image doesn’t change. He looks at his features, his defined jaw, his long black hair that needs a cut since November, his small button nose. His eyes are the worst though, he can’t look at himself in the eyes. Those that were so full of life, joyful, now just look tired and hollow. They speak for Sirius, for his internal turmoil. He looks away. Tries to smile. He fails. It looks as fake as his parents’ friends, and Sirius wants to scream at the sight. He runs a hand through his long hair in frustration, not knowing how he’s supposed to hold himself together tonight.
He's never been so nervous in his life, not even on the night when he ran away from home, did he feel as sick in the stomach as right now. It is unmistakable, the shake of his trembling hands as he grabs the sink, the incessant buzz that he feels inside his head. He’s tried to ignore it, he truly has, and for the past days it seemed to be working alright. More or less. But with the incoming dinner tonight, he’s been forced to face the inevitable.
He washes his face, as if that will help. As he brushes his fingers against his neck, trying to freshen up a bit, he feels the quick pulse of his heartbeat, indicating how much anxiety he has underneath his fake façade. “Get it together,” he says to his reflection. “You can do this Sirius, just hold it in tonight and it will be fine.” He doesn’t feel any better after that little speech though. His chest still feels heavy with guilt and regret.
He takes a deep breath, but that isn’t good enough. He feels like something he can’t control is coming his way while being beyond reach at the same time. He feels powerless over this sensation, as if the only option is to endure.
And then he thinks of Remus. Just bringing it to the front of his mind hurts. It seems so far away and at the same time the wound is still as fresh as the first day. He remembers how much Remus loved Christmas, the winter in general. That makes him smile for a second, only to remember that night. December 28th. That memory follows him like a hound with a bone. He can still sense the cold he felt when he left their flat, when he ran away. He can also picture Remus’ face perfectly; how broken he looked as well as resigned. Did he just accept it? Sirius can’t understand why Remus never fought him back that night. It made things easier, of course, but Sirius will ultimately always be selfish, and deep down he had wanted Remus to go after him. And he didn’t.
Sirius leans down, pressing his forehead to the edge of the sink and closes his eyes. He breathes in and out again, trying to take back control and push those memories back as they threaten to bring him to his knees. The ache is still there, but he manages to calm himself somewhat.
Once he’s alright, sounds from outside start to penetrate Sirius’ mental barrier, bringing him back from that dark place. At least he’s not alone, he has his friends with him. He turns around, leaving his reflection behind as he opens the door of the bathroom. He walks through the corridor and enters the living room. He sees the Christmas lights, the big tree decorated by all of them and he smiles softly. Then he sees his friends, chattering animatedly. Lily, Peter, James and Pandora are already preparing everything for the night. He greets everyone with his famous overbearing hugs, and he feels better now. He needs these people.
He met Pandora yesterday when they hung out to prepare some food for today. Sirius knew her from school, of course, but he hadn’t talked with her before. She’s… special, for sure. Sirius doesn’t know how to explain it, but her… aura, is ethereal, like she is here but not completely, and very calming. Sirius will need a lot of that tonight, so he better stick to her. She also says the most out of pocket shit he’s ever heard. Like yesterday, when she told him “Someone with his exact same features would appear on Christmas”. Sirius thought that it better not be Santa, or he might get offended. But all in all, she’s very sweet, and she and Lily make a really cute pair.
He starts helping set the table for everyone (it is indeed a very long table) when James approaches him. “Hey mate, you alright? You seemed a bit out of it for a second there,” he says putting one hand on Sirius’ shoulder. His eyebrow is raised with suspicion.
“Yeah Prongs, perfect. Very exited for Christmas,” he answers smiling as convincingly as he can. Which doesn’t seem to work, apparently, as James only stares at Sirius for a minute and then sighs.
“Outside. Corridor. Now,” James mutters and doesn’t leave Sirius time to argue, already being out of the room. That man is fast. Sirius shoulders slump, with no other option but to follow his friend. He knows better than to piss James off.
“I know you’re lying Sirius,” is the first thing that James tells him when they’re alone. “You’ve been lying for weeks; don’t think I haven’t noticed. You’ve been out of sorts all year, we all know that, but this is next level. I gave you space to handle it on your own, but maybe that was my mistake,” James continues, probably cursing to himself for not saying any of this sooner.
Sirius can’t look him in the eye. He knows Prongs is right, he almost always is. He just can’t handle the truth; it’s way too painful. And Sirius is a coward. Why can’t Sirius say everything that is oppressing his chest out loud? He feels that ache again, pounding in his ears. “James… I, I can’t talk about this,” he manages to answer to his friend.
James seems to be hanging on the last thread of his patience, a bit desperately, when he speaks again. “You can. Padfoot come on, you always tell me everything. Why is it that you don’t trust me with this? There is very clearly something wrong and I just want to help you.” He looks at Sirius with his big doe eyes and Sirius breaks a bit. “It’s time to talk about this Sirius. Before tonight comes.”
Trying to compose himself, Sirius stands a bit taller as he inhales and exhales once again. He runs a hand through his hair, and he knows he has to speak. He wants to tell James everything, he really does, but he’s just so ashamed about his decisions and actions that he hasn’t done it yet.
James waits patiently with his arms crossed now, knowing that Sirius will talk if he lets him gather his thoughts. The tension in the air of Lily’s corridor is heavy, but he doesn’t push, and Sirius breathes. He loves James. He always knows what to do for him and for all their friends, how to be there for them. Sirius swallows, his mouth is dry. Still, he tries. “I don’t even know where to start… Everything is wrong, everything is messed up and it’s all my fault!” He breaks at the end.
James rubs his hand on his arm, up and down, reassuring. “You’re not the only one who has screwed up something in his life, mate. But you need to stop running from this. It’s been a year. A year of avoiding it. Of pretending everything’s fine. We both know it’s not and by doing this you’re only making things harder for yourself.”
Sirius closes the distance between them and hides his face on the crook of Jame’s neck. James hugs him for some time, and Sirius holds back his tears, knowing that if he starts, he won’t stop any time soon. Words seem to flow free out of Sirius now. “I thought I was doing the right thing, that if I ended it, I’d be able to... I don’t know, fix myself. Stop hurting people; him.” His voice cracked on the last part. “But I just... I feel like I’ve ruined everything.”
James’ voice is soft but firm on his ear. “You didn’t ruin everything, Sirius. But you can’t keep pretending like anything happened. You don’t have to do this alone either, we’re all here. Just talk to Remus tonight, see how it goes.”
Sirius shakes his head, his throat tight. “It’s not that easy. I fucked it all up, Prongs. I broke his heart in the worst possible way. I was heartless.” He pauses, his voice almost a whisper now. “And I’ll never be able to fix that. I’ll never be enough for him. I don’t think I can face him.”
James places a hand on his shoulder and steps back to look at him, a grounding force. “Sirius, I understand. I really do. And maybe you did hurt Remus that badly, maybe he deserves a good apology, and something more. But you have to face him. Because if you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” Sirius looks at his friend, staring at James with a mixture of fear and uncertainty. He has avoided this moment for so long, it feels like the walls are finally closing in.
“Okay James,” he says with his heart on his throat, “okay. I’ll try.”
After calming down, they go back to the living room. The low hum of voices and laughter drift through the door, eyes shifting toward them. It is at that precise moment that Sirius can hear the sound of a loud overly confident voice that he knows all too well.
“Ah, there you two are!” Gilderoy Lockhart's voice rings out, cheerful and too bright. His presence is unmistakable, dressed in one of his signature, overly flashy suits, a perfect grin plastered across his face. Peter is right behind him, looking a little more laid-back than usual but still with that same familiar, almost apologetic smile.
Sirius’s lips tighten slightly. Gilderoy’s entrances always have that effect, like a whirlwind of charm and drama. But he can’t deny it: the guy has a way of making everything feel... larger than life. He hasn’t seen him in person since school, but his TikTok for you page sometimes shows him his videos. “Gilderoy,” James greets, the tone light but amused. “Making an entrance as usual.”
Gilderoy chuckles, giving a dramatic spin before landing effortlessly beside Peter, who shoots Sirius a quick, slightly apologetic look. “Why, of course, James. If you can’t make an impression, what’s the point, right?” His smile widens, turning to Peter with an exaggerated wink.
Peter just shakes his head, but it’s clear he doesn’t mind. “Right, sure, Gild.” Sirius exchanges a look with James, who seems to be trying to hold back a grin. He finds Gilderoy just a bit too much. But he is Peter’s boyfriend, and while Sirius will never fully understand the attraction, he has to admit, they are... interesting together.
“Didn’t know you were coming early tonight,” Sirius quips, his voice slightly higher than he intends. His eyes briefly meet Peter’s, then flick to Gilderoy, who is already drawing attention from the others in the room.
Gilderoy catches the tone, but it doesn’t seem to faze him in the slightest. “Oh, Sirius, you know me. Can’t show up too late and without some flair.” His eyes twinkle mischievously. “But don’t worry, I’ll keep it subtle tonight.”
Peter rolls his eyes, though there’s affection in his gaze. “You’ve been subtle before, Gild. Doesn’t work out so well.”
“Well, I can’t help that I’m just naturally fascinating,” Gilderoy retorts smoothly, leaning against the back of the couch and casting a glance toward the rest of the group, his smile never wavering. Sirius tries to shake off the irritation that always follows Gilderoy’s presence. It isn’t the man’s fault he makes Sirius feel like he’s constantly overshadowed, always trying too hard to be seen, to be heard. Those are Sirius’ issues speaking. And Gilderoy has changed a lot since school, according to Peter.
He also can’t deny the uncomfortable truth: as much as Gilderoy grates on him, there’s something undeniably magnetic about him. Something that even Sirius can’t fully dismiss. Sirius glances at Peter, catching the way he throws in a cheeky comment here and there, matching Gilderoy’s energy. He’s smitten, no doubt about it, which is all Sirius needs to know, honestly.
It’s in the way his grin lingers a little too long after one of Gilderoy’s dramatic remarks, or how he leans closer like he’s soaking up every word. Sirius doesn’t get it, Gilderoy is loud and thrives on attention, everything Peter claims to avoid in strangers. And yet, they click. Maybe it’s because Peter sees through Gilderoy’s showmanship to the part of him that craves acceptance, or maybe it’s how Gilderoy lifts Peter out of his shell when they’re out in the world. Whatever it is, Sirius can’t deny they balance each other in a way he didn’t expect.
The living room buzzes with overlapping voices and the occasional burst of laughter. Sirius leans back in the armchair, legs sprawled out like he’s trying to claim as much space as possible. His fingers tap rhythmically against the armrest. “Why are there so many of you?” Sirius says just to be annoying. He gestures vaguely, as if the group had materialized out of nowhere just to irritate him. “It’s like you’re multiplying.”
“Don’t be dramatic, Sirius,” Lily quips, perched neatly on the sofa with a glass of wine in hand. She’s dressed effortlessly as always, but her sharp smile suggests she’s ready to spar. “Not everyone here is as insufferable as you.”
“Excuse me, I’m delightful,” Sirius counters, throwing his arms over the back of the chair in a mock display of confidence.
“Debatable,” Pandora chimes in from her spot on the floor, cross-legged with a plate of snacks balanced on her knee, looking as if she’s come out of a fairies’ painting. “Though I’ll give you points for the hair. It’s very cosmic.” Sirius doesn’t even want to ask what that means.
“Cosmic?” James, lounging beside Lily, nearly snorts wine out of his nose. “Looks like he fought the wind and lost.”
“Ha, ha, Prongs, you’re very funny. Also, that’s ironic coming from you.” Sirius deadpans pointing at his friend’s nest of hair and shooting James a warning glare.
“Oh, don’t be mean, James,” Gilderoy interrupts smoothly, his voice carrying a practiced charm. He’s leaning against the mantelpiece, every inch of him composed like he’s waiting for a photographer to appear. “Some people have a natural flair for chaos. It’s quite endearing.”
“Careful, Lockhart,” Sirius replies, a smirk tugging at his lips. “You’re close to entering my good graces, and we both know you don’t want that.”
“Please, Sirius,” Gilderoy says, flashing a dazzling grin. “You couldn’t handle me.” Peter, sitting quietly on the arm of the sofa, nearly chokes on his drink, coughing as he tries to stifle his laughter. “Careful, Gild. Sirius might take that as a challenge.”
“Challenge accepted,” Sirius shoots back, raising an eyebrow in mock seriousness.
“Alright, alright, children,” Lily cuts in, her tone sharp but not unkind. “Can we at least try to act like adults for five minutes? Or is that too much to ask?”
“Define ‘act like adults,’” James says, leaning back with a grin. “Because if it means sitting quietly, I’m out.”
“You’re always out,” Pandora teases quite ironically, grabbing a handful of crisps from her plate. “You’ve got the attention span of a teaspoon.”
“Oh, that’s rich coming from you,” James fires back. “How many unfinished projects are cluttering up your flat, hmm? Ten? Twenty?”
“At least I start projects,” Pandora counters, pointing a crisp at him. “Your big accomplishment this week was losing your keys for the third time.”
“That’s unfair,” James protests, looking genuinely offended. “I also lost my wallet. Twice.”
“Impressive,” Gilderoy says with a slow clap. “Truly inspiring levels of incompetence.”
“I aim to please,” James replies with a wink.
“God, you’re all exhausting,” Sirius mutters, but there’s a faint smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he picks at the sleeve of his jumper. Tonight might not be so bad after all.
Lily shakes her head, exasperated but fond. “You love it. Don’t even try to deny it.”
“Fine,” Sirius concedes with a dramatic sigh, stretching his legs out even further. “I love it. Now someone pass me a drink before I start to regret my life choices.” The room erupts in laughter again.
The doorbell rings, and for a moment, the chatter in the room dies down. James, already halfway through an exaggerated story about his latest escapade, is the first to jump up, grinning.
“Oh, that’ll be the girls,” he says, practically bouncing on his heels. The door swings open, and Mary steps in first, her curls bouncing with each step. She flashes the room a dazzling grin, her presence immediately brightening the space.
"You all better have been good," she teases, her voice warm and playful as she scans the room. "Because Santa’s bringing the party."
Behind her, Marlene strides in with her usual confidence, her wolf-cut hair falling messily around her face. She surveys the group with an arch of her eyebrow, a smirk tugging at her lips. “Wow, this place looks exactly like the chaos I imagined," she comments dryly, slipping her jacket off. "I hope there’s food. If there’s no food, I’ll flip the table."
Mary chuckles at Marlene’s words, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "Always dramatic," she murmurs fondly, before turning her attention back to the group. "But yeah, we brought the holiday cheer. You’re welcome."
Sirius watches the pair with a raised eyebrow. "Marlene’s right, though. I swear every time we have dinner, someone threatens to flip a table."
“You say that like it’s a bad thing," Marlene shoots back, the fire in her eyes unmistakable as she looks directly at Sirius. "In fact, it sounds fun."
"Don’t get any ideas," he warns with a grin, though the spark of challenge in her gaze makes him hesitate for a moment. James steps in with a dramatic flourish, ushering them toward the seating area. "Come on, no table-flipping yet. We’re saving that for dessert."
Mary laughs, slipping easily into the group dynamic, her voice carrying effortlessly across the room. "It’s the Christmas spirit, James. We’ve all got a little chaos in us tonight."
Lily, raising an eyebrow at the two newcomers, crosses her arms with a smirk. "That’s an understatement."
"Well, it’s us or nothing," Marlene shrugs, plopping down on the armrest of a nearby chair and resting her chin on her hand. "You know how it is."
"And we wouldn’t have it any other way," Mary adds with a wink, taking a seat next to Marlene. Mary looks around the room, her eyes landing on Sirius for a brief moment before she tilts her head curiously. "So, is Remus still coming?" she asks, her voice light but with a hint of concern.
For a split second, Sirius freezes, air caught in his lungs. He hadn’t even thought about Remus at this moment, that part of the night he’s been trying to avoid. It feels like a punch to the gut, and he exhales sharply, running a hand through his hair. Lily, who’s been listening from the corner of the room, interjects. "Yeah, he said he would come. I talked to him earlier." She gives Sirius a quick glance, not missing his discomfort.
Peter grins as he lifts his drink. "Well, if he’s planning on showing up, I’ll be right here for it, you know, for moral support. Also to record everything on my phone, but you haven’t heard that." He winks at Sirius, his tone joking but with that underlying kindness that Peter always manages to hide behind humor.
Sirius half-smiles, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes. "Thanks, Peter," he says dryly, his gaze falling to his drink.
Mary looks between them, her expression softening a little. "You guys really need to work on that whole communication thing," she says, her voice more gentle than usual. "It's Christmas, for god's sake." Sirius doesn’t respond, feeling that old tension build in his chest. Instead, he just nods vaguely, not quite able to look anyone in the eye.
The doorbell rings, and for a moment, the chatter in the room dies down. James, who’s been midway through a story about his latest escapade, jumps up, excitement evident on his face. “That’ll be him!” he exclaims, practically bouncing on his heels. The door swings open, and Remus is immediately hugged by James as he steps in, a little hesitant at first, his eyes scanning the room. A split second of silence fills the space, then the floodgates open.
Peter’s voice cracks with surprise, “Remus?” and before anyone can process, he’s already rushing forward, his arms wide, a goofy grin spreading across his face. “You made it!”
Lily is next, her usual composure slipping for a second as she stands up, her face lighting up with a mixture of joy and disbelief. “Remus!” she says, the emotion in her voice unmistakable. The others follow suit, Marlene looks him up and down with a small grin, Mary’s expression softens in surprise. Even Gilderoy, usually so poised, looks caught off guard by the unexpected return and Pandora, who hasn’t met Remus yet, looks very excited about the prospect.
Remus doesn’t say anything immediately, just a smile tugging at his lips as he scans the room, taking in the warmth of their reactions. He’s calm on the outside, and looking at his face brings Sirius a wave of nostalgia and discomfort in equal measure. “It’s good to see you all too,” he says smiling widely, his voice carrying that familiar calm tone.
Then, just as they’re all beginning to settle back into the reunion, there’s a slight shift in the air as someone else steps into view behind Remus. The room falls silent. Everyone freezes for a split second. Sirius feels his stomach drop, the air suddenly thick. He must be hallucinating, because he recognizes those wavy black curls, shorter than his own but longer than when he was a child. He looks at his grey eyes, almost identical to his own. He stares at someone who looks exactly like his little brother but somehow older, as he steps into the flat.
He hadn't expected to see him ever again. Sirius stops breathing as he takes in the view in front of him. He would have never expected Regulus to be in the same room as Sirius by his own accord, hadn’t even thought about the possibility of the sight of his brother standing next to Remus today. In what world would he have done that? Regulus, the person who he hasn’t spoken to in years, the brother he left behind when he escaped the house of his nightmares. With Remus. Remus, the person whose heart he broke, the love he abandoned. It’s a shock, like a punch to the gut, and for a moment, all he can do is watch in frozen disbelief as the rest of the group reacts.
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It was a September afternoon; the air was crisp and beginning to cool as the sun started to dip behind the trees. The park was quieter than usual, the path ahead lined with fallen leaves that crunched softly underfoot. They walked side by side, but there was a distance between them that hadn’t been there before. The tension was thick, almost palpable, and it wasn’t the comfortable silence they were used to.
After seeing his cousins Bellatrix and Narcissa, Sirus had retreated to the inside of his head. He wanted to bury everything behind and not have to think about the bastards of his family. But that was proving to be very difficult to achieve, as he felt angrier by the second. He walked a little ahead, hands shoved deep into pockets, shoulders tense and rigid. Remus trailed behind and Sirius knew he was probably watching the subtle tension in every movement, the stiff set of his back. But he couldn’t stop it.
It had been some years since the last time Sirius had seen any of them, and he felt his scars bleed just as if they hadn’t even closed in the first place. And probably they hadn’t, because Sirius had just pushed the feelings away, like he always did when something felt too difficult, too hard to face. Therefore, seeing Narcissa walk around town with her husband, her baby and Bellatrix accompanying them, had felt like a punch to his gut, memories of his parents and his brother coming back to haunt him.
The silence stretched, becoming a thing in itself, and finally, the stillness broke. Words came, quiet, almost hesitant. “I’m fine,” Sirius muttered as he turned to look at Remus, but his voice sounded strained even to him, a forced attempt at normalcy.
Remus watched him, his gaze soft but searching. There was a lingering hesitation Sirius could notice, probably unsure if he should press or back away. But they both knew what was at the heart of this, and Remus wouldn’t let it go. “Talk to me,” he said quietly, his voice insistent but not forceful.
For a moment, the only sound was the rustling of leaves in the breeze. Sirius took a long, slow breath, his steps faltering for just a second. Then, with a frustrated sigh, he leaned against a tree with a thud that reverberated in the stillness of the park. His hands fidgeted at his sides, the tension radiating from him like a storm waiting to break.
“I hate them,” Sirius muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. It wasn’t a confession, but more of a release. “I hate them all.” His eyes lifted, but they didn’t meet Remus’s. Instead, they fixated on a distant point, lost in something neither of them could see. The words came out ragged, torn between anger and something painful.
“They never cared,” he continued, his voice catching in his throat. “Not really. Not the way they were supposed to.” The rawness in his voice stung, a sharp edge that cut through the air between them. Remus didn’t speak, didn’t try to comfort or fix it. He just listened, standing there with his hands loosely at his sides.
Sirius shifted, his posture crumbling just a little, as if the weight of his own words was enough to make him unravel. His shoulders sagged, the tension of a lifetime finally wearing down on him.
“I left,” Sirius muttered, more to himself than to Remus. “I left because I couldn’t breathe in that house anymore. I couldn’t stand being there, being what they wanted me to be. But... leaving wasn’t enough. It never is, is it?”
The words were soft, as though spoken to the wind, but they were heavy, ladened with years of regret and guilt. Remus stepped closer, just a step, nothing dramatic, but it was enough. Enough to show that he was there, that he understood. Remus knew that Sirius had run away from home when he was 16, but Sirius hadn’t explained why or what had happened to Remus. Only James knew. Still, Remus was very smart, and making the correct guess wasn’t exactly rocket science.
“I couldn’t take him with me,” he continued, his voice low and strained. “Regulus. I couldn’t drag him into that mess. But it eats at me. Every single day. I don’t know if I did the right thing... leaving him there. Alone. Regulus… he was just a kid. Barely fourteen when I left. I couldn’t take him with me. I didn’t even know if I could save myself, let alone him.”
His words hung in the air, thick with unsaid things. He looked away, as though trying to avoid meeting Remus’s eyes. But Remus didn’t look away. He stepped even closer, as if he was encouraging Sirius to say everything he needed to let go of. So Sirius did.
“My mother…” he started. “She treated me like I was a curse. She made it clear from the moment I was a child that I was nothing but a disappointment. She hated that I wasn’t what she wanted. I wasn’t pure. I wasn’t perfect. She was always waiting for me to mess up, always ready to remind me that I was never enough, in any way she deemed necessary. And my father… he didn’t even care. He’d just sit there, silent, like none of it mattered. Like I didn’t matter.”
Sirius dragged his hand down his face, a sign that he was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Remus didn’t interrupt him though, he just watched Sirius with a quiet, steady gaze, giving him the space he needed. Sirius breathed in and out and then he continued. “I never felt like I was enough, Remus. Not for her. Not for them. And even then, I had to stay there for years. What else could I do? But if I hadn’t left when I did, they would’ve destroyed me. They would’ve made me believe I was nothing. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I left.”
Tears escaped Sirius as he told Remus everything with a vulnerability he had never let anyone see before, James being the only exception. Sirius felt utterly defeated and broken after revisiting his past, and when Remus closed the distance between them to embrace him in his arms, Sirius began sobbing. “It’s okay Sirius, you were just a kid too.”
“I couldn’t save him, Remus,” he kept saying in broken whispers between his sobs.
Remus didn’t answer immediately. He just held him, with so much softness in him that Sirius felt taken care of like he never had. After a long pause, Remus spoke, his voice low and steady. “You didn’t need to save anyone. You just needed to save yourself.”
After some time, Sirius started to calm down. He exhaled a shaky breath, the weight of the conversation settling between them. Neither of them spoke for a while, but it didn’t feel like silence. Remus held him in his arms as if nothing could happen to Sirius while he was there.
It felt like family in a way he hadn’t experienced before. He didn’t need to put into words. He could hear it in the silence. He could feel it on the way home. He could see it with the lights out when he was in bed. In spite of experiencing so many bad things that same day, Sirius realized he was smiling in the darkness, as he realized that he was in love.