How's life?
Winter is giving him a brutally hard time this year. And no, it isn’t because his fragile and mended bones feel the cold deeper than most and get all stiff. He’s always cold anyways, thanks to the amazing blessing that is his type 1 diabetes, and sometimes he appreciates the numbness that comes with the freezing weather.
No, this winter is killing him for a very different and also worse reason. This time of the year reminds him of chilly nights under shared blankets, hot chocolate prepared specially how he liked, of the icy night breeze entering from the windows where he smoked his cigarettes, of books in front of the fire. The thing is, Remus used to adore everything that had to do with winter, he used to love wearing his big cozy sweaters. Not anymore though.
He decides to get out of the house before he can think of anything else. Before he can picture the memories in his head, in that same house that now seems so cold. It has been a year since, and the wound is still as fresh as it was the first night after Remus got his heart broken.
He gets up from bed, where he has been for the whole day, only getting up for his glucose checks, eating and insulin injections. He changes into some joggers and a big sweater that has been laying on the floor since Saturday. It’s still clean though, so Remus puts it on. After taking his coat and gloves from the closet, he leaves the flat.
He paces around the quiet neighborhood for some time, pondering what he should do this Christmas. He hasn’t seen anyone since everything went to shit last year. The honest truth is that he feels very alone, but Remus has never been as brave as the rest of his friends, he doesn’t think he can face everyone and receive their pitying looks.
He can already see them, thinking how poor sad Remus got left out in the cold and is so pathetic that he hasn’t talked to his best friends since. Of course, he knows they wouldn’t actually say that, or probably think it for that matter, but that’s how Remus sees himself nowadays. And there’s the fact that he would also be there, which only adds fuel to an already burning fire.
Remus knows that if he saw him, all his progress (which has been so minimal the word progress itself seems like a joke) would go to hell. Because ignoring those memories is easier when he can pretend that person doesn’t exist. At least not in this timeline, not in this city. But one look at his stupid face and everything will come back like a tidal wave.
He enters a grocery store, pushing those thoughts away for a moment. He goes directly to the alcohol aisle. He picks up a whiskey bottle and eyes it for a few seconds. He knows he probably should stay away from any alcohol, mostly to save some money but also because it can be potentially dangerous for him with his type 1 diabetes. But today has been hard and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to stand another sleepless night like this.
So he buys the bottle. Miranda, the girl at the till greets him. He usually comes by around this time to buy goods, so they’ve come to know each other for the past year. “Alright Remus?” she asks as she takes the bottle from him along with some chocolate bars he took from a stool. “Getting by,” he says shrugging. Miranda seems to catch his bad mood, also noticeable by the whiskey bottle, and doesn’t ask. He likes her, she’s not one for gossip.
They talk niceties for a few minutes and Remus then decides to walk some more before going back. He goes to the other side of town, as he continues the same way he was going before entering the grocery store. He knows it will be a long way home later, but he can’t stand those four walls right now. He can just take a bus if it gets too late.
He notices how the snow covers most of the sidewalk and cars. His lips lift up in the corners when he sees two kids having a snow fight, and he can only think about the time when Remus and he threw snowballs at each other until they came down to the snow-covered grass laughing.
Snow is ruined for him too then, he realizes. Everything is tainted now by him. He spoiled the things he loved most. And those memories are too hard to think about, so it’s not as if he can have a fond reminder of those moments. It just hurts a lot.
As he keeps his mind occupied with bitter and pathetic thoughts, he doesn’t see the person he bumps into moments after. And he should have paid attention, because then he might have avoided a conversation that Remus doesn’t want to have under any circumstances. There’s also the fact that he feels very ashamed of ignoring his best friend’s calls and texts, something that certainly won’t have escaped Lily Evans’ attention. Once she realizes who knocked into her by accident and he composes himself, they stare at each other for a split second.
Remus feels a pang on his chest when he catches the hurt that Lily hides behind her eyes. “Remus?” She asks in a faint voice. Remus clears his throat as he runs his hand over the back of his neck. He feels so out of place. “Lily… it’s been a while,” He says dumbly.
Lily seems to sense his discomfort, but she’s not one to back from a hard conversation, unlike Remus, who wants to flee the scene like yesterday. “Where have you been Remus? I’ve tried to text you and call you for months.” Straight for the jugular then. Remus takes a deep breath as he realizes he owes her more than some empty words in a cold street.
“Lily… I… well I want to explain myself… if you still want to talk, that is,” He tries clumsily looking at the snow behind Lily’s flame hair. He then looks at her eyes, being brave for just a second, and finally she sighs. “Okay Remus, let’s talk,” She says. Remus points to a coffee shop nearby, and he’s so glad he bought a bag to carry the whiskey, or he would be self-conscious about it too. She nods as they make their way towards the establishment in silence.
After getting green tea for Lily and hot chocolate for him, they sit down at a secluded table where they can have some privacy. Remus takes a deep breath and decides to just go on with it. If he thinks too much about it, he’ll just chicken out. “Lily I… I don’t have an excuse; I fucked up I know. Everything seemed to fall into pieces after… after you know, and after going no contact for some time, a week turned into a month, and it all seemed to get worse from then on…” He knows he’s rumbling now as he covers his face with his hands.
Lily looks at him for a few seconds, until he drops his hands back down. “I’m just hurt, I guess. I thought we were best friends but then you ditched me when your relationship went out the window. You could’ve told me what happened. I had to find out from James days after.”
“It’s not that, I promise. It’s just… I know you and James were together and James would be there for him, so I thought it would be easier for everyone involved if I just… disappeared until everything was back to normal,” Remus tries to explain. He knows that plan was shit, but it was the best he came up with at the time.
“You think that I wanted to lose my best friend like that? Or that James hasn’t missed you? That Peter doesn’t ask about you every week?” Lily says, waving her hands, annoyed. “And what is ‘normal’ now anyway? You and Sirius aren’t on good terms yet, are you? Seeing that you look like a ghost and all,” Lily continues, blunt as always. Remus grimaces. “And so you know, James and I aren’t a thing anymore, just friends, so that explanation your brain created is bullshit now anyways,” She says, pointing a finger at him. At that Remus’ eyes open like saucers.
“What? Why?” He asks. He wouldn’t have expected this in his wildest dreams. Lily and James were supposed to be soulmates forever, they were perfect for each other in every way that matters. Well, it seems that Remus shouldn’t be the one in charge of assigning which people had a soulmate, seeing what his supposed one did to him and all.
“Oh no mister, don’t think we’re talking about me or my relationships today, so don’t try to deflect! I’m still pissed at you. Very much so,” She says crossing her arms.
Remus’ shoulders slump. “I know Lils, and I’m very sorry, really. If it’s of any consolation, I’ve been miserable the whole time and I miss you. A lot,” He says pleadingly. At that, Lily sighs.
“I’ve missed you too, idiot,” She says and takes his hand that is resting on the table. “But Remus, you’re not going back to that dark hole you’ve been this past year. I won’t let you, and you have to listen to me as your bestest of friends,” She finishes, raising an eyebrow and daring him to say otherwise.
“Okay… I’ll keep in touch, I promise,” Remus swears honestly.
“Oh, I know that, and that’s just a given. What I mean is that you have to come to mine for Christmas.” Remus opens his mouth, but Lily is faster. “Don’t even try. I know you have no plans, don’t lie to me. This is the act of good intentions I ask of you to earn my full trust and forgiveness, understood?” She claims as she drinks her green tea, and if Remus knows her at all she’s hiding a smirk under that big mug.
“You’re evil Evans,” Remus says sighing. She chuckles. “It won’t be that bad,” She promises. But they both know that that reassurance is as futile as words can be. He raises an eyebrow.
“Lily, I haven’t seen him in a year, not to mention the fact that I’m not over him like at all,” He confesses, pinching his eyes with his fingers. Lily pats his hand soothingly.
“You don’t have to talk to him Rem… but everyone else misses you. I want you there. The girls want you there too. Not to mention your friends. You’ve said you’ve been miserable on your own. Just ignore him and you’ll see you can have fun, okay?” Lily murmurs in a softer voice. God, he had missed her.
“Okay… I’ll try. I don’t promise to stay if something goes wrong or if it becomes too much though,” Remus warns as he drinks some of his chocolate. “Deal,” Lily says with a blinding smile.
In the aftermath of getting up to date with their lives, (Lily is dating some girl from school now? Remus can’t believe all the things he missed) and spending some quality time gossiping, they part ways after sharing a cab. She promises to explain all that went on with her and James some other day, but she assures him they're still friends and everything is fine. Remus still doesn't understand how that break up could have taken place at all, but decides to let it go for the time being. At least they are on good terms.
Despite the tension at the first part of their talk, Remus now feels better than he has in… wow, in a whole fucking year. He truly has been in the trenches.
He flops onto the sofa as he takes out his glucometer. He checks everything is alright before injecting himself with the correspondent dose of insulin that he needs before dinner. If he wants to drink his whiskey tonight, which he will after having agreed to spend Christmas with everyone, then he must take some precautions. After the insulin is administered, he has some pasta leftovers from today’s lunch, and he eats a chocolate bar. Then, he checks the blood glucose again.
He removes the cap of the whiskey bottle, and he drinks directly from the flask without care. After all, he’s alone and miserable in this stupid flat. Once the high that he got from his reunion with Lily is gone and he’s once again left to his own devices, his sour mood comes back like a vice.
He’s also very anxious. Because no matter what Lily might say, seeing him again won’t go well. It will probably go worse than horribly. If Remus doesn’t crash out at the spot, he will probably freak out on the inside and then crash out at home. There won’t be a good outcome to those events in any case.
Still, he is curious too. However sad, broken and mad Remus might be, he’s also still haunted by his memory. He hasn’t escaped it in a year, so yes, he’s curious about how he might look like now, how long his hair might be now, or even about any change that his demeanor may have gotten. Will he be with someone new? He prefers not to think about that in particular, or he might get sick and puke in the living room.
As the alcohol kicks in, so do the memories he’s been repressing all day, now free to torture Remus how they please, which is profoundly. How is it that alcohol is making him even more melancholic? He thought that today had been a low, but it seems that things can always take a turn for the worse. At least for him.
Definitely, Remus hates winter now. Winter is giving him a brutally hard time this year. And it’s all because he was under the blankets with him on those cold nights. He was the one who made that hot chocolate, and he always kissed his cheek softly when he left it next to the armchair Remus always read at. And it was both of them smoking with the window open, he was the one sitting in Remus lap while he read next to the fire, and the one who always stole his oversized sweaters as well as his heart.
His eyes are filled with hot tears that he tries to keep in, he doesn’t want to cry again. All Remus can manage to do, stuck in a loop of thoughts, is ponder why? Why did Sirius Black have to come into his life just to leave him stranded when he got bored of Remus? They had had a life together, was it that easy to one day wake up and decide you don’t want that anymore? It seems so.
Deep inside, Remus understands. He wouldn’t be with him either if he was Sirius. What he couldn’t comprehend while they were a couple was why Sirius was with him. They were too different, and Remus knew that Sirius needed someone to match his energy, to shine with him, not someone who preferred the corner of a room.
But there were also times when he thought they were complementary to each other, he thought he was the calm for Sirius’ storm, the moon to his stars, or so they said when they were being sappy with each other.
As he loses consciousness on his couch, more memories flood his mind, and he knows he’s going to dream about the bastard. His last coherent thought is about how much it sucks to be Remus Lupin.
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Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist in a hug from behind. He buried his face on Remus’ neck. Remus’ skin felt hot in all the places where they were touching. He knew Sirius was very touch-starved, and knew nothing about personal space, but this felt way too intimate. “Come with us to the living room Moons, we need you for trivial,” he muttered.
He thanked his lucky stars that Sirius was hugging him from behind and couldn’t see Remus’ face right this second, because he was certain he was blushing. “I’ll be right there Padfoot, I just need to finish these dishes,” He said grabbing another plate.
Sirius groaned. “Come oooon, those can be done tomorrow, Peter never does his dishes anyway, look at the state of his kitchen,” He whined resting his chin on Remus shoulder, pointing around with one hand while the other was still around Remus.
Remus stayed still, controlling his breathing. He was a very controlled person and usually people couldn’t read him very well, but this was Sirius, and not only did he know him better than anyone else, but Remus also was his weakest around him. He cleaned the plate at a regular pace, while he spoke. “I’ll be there when I finish this Sirius, it’ll take five minutes, and it would be very unpolite to be invited to someone’s home and not offer any help.”
“Fuck politeness.” He shook Remus’ body until it was impossible for him to continue with his task at hand. He suddenly turned around, catching Sirius by surprise. Remus was very tall, but he usually let himself be handled by others, not putting in the effort. Still, he was big, and at that moment it made Sirius loosen his grip on him.
Then it hit Remus that he may had made a great mistake, because now he was very close to Sirius, to his face. He could see the mots of black and grey in his eyes, the curve of his perfect button nose. And this had been a very bad idea indeed. He felt his mouth dry, his heartbeat fasten.
But what struck Remus as weirdest, was seeing Sirius so silent and shocked. He just kept looking at Remus with a parted mouth and big eyes, as if he had done something so surprising that it felt unconceivable. Sirius closed his mouth just to lick his lips a moment later, and Remus was losing this battle with himself trying not to look at them.
Sirius was his best friend; he wouldn’t ruin it just because he had a stupid crush that he would get over after a while. Still, he felt as if Sirius was waiting for him to do something. They stared at each other’s eyes for what felt like hours, and finally Remus cleared his throat, taking a step back only to realize the sink was right behind him. Sirius released him completely then.
“I’ll… finish this and be there in a moment,” Remus said turning around, not looking back to check if Sirius was still behind him or if he had gone back with the rest. He did the rest of the dishes trying to calm himself down, to breathe normally and not freak out with ideas like the one that kept coming back. Had Sirius been thinking the same thing Remus had?
He sat down on the floor, next to Lily, and she sent him a look with a raised eyebrow and suspicion. He shook his head, trying to convey this was not the time. She nodded and went back to the game. He’d have to tell her what happened. Lily was the only one who knew how down bad Remus was, saving him from falling into complete madness.
“Remus mate, this one’s for you, it’s about history,” Peter called out, snapping Remus back into paying attention as he read the question. As he answered, he could feel the pair of grey eyes he was trying to avoid fixed on him.
When the night was over, he and Sirius went back to their flat. The way back home was made in a sort of awkward silence and only when they were inside did Sirius speak. “Remus,” is all he said. Remus turned around only to see that Sirius had closed the distance between them once again.
“What…” He tried to say as he put distance between them, but was cut off by his best friend. “No bullshit Remus. What was that at Peter’s flat?” He asked with a puzzled look that meant that he hadn’t figured out whatever it was that he felt. So Remus decided to deflect and play dumb. “I’m not sure I follow Padfoot, what do you mean?” He asked back, trying to look puzzled himself by frowning.
Sirius groaned and threw his head back. “I knew you would act as if nothing had happened. I’m talking about that thing in the kitchen, twat,” Remus was panicking internally now; Sirius usually avoided this kind of embarrassing or weird conversations. Fuck him now.
He tried to go for a nonchalant attitude as his levels of anxiety rose. “You mean when I was doing the dishes, and you came all annoyingly to take me back to the living room?” Sirius sent him a disbelieving look that Remus interpreted as him being on the verge of losing it. “Why don’t you just say whatever it is that bothering you, Padfoot?” Remus said, trying to correct the situation.
“What is bothering me is that you stared at me for like minutes straight, at my lips specially. So you see Remus, that is indeed a reason to be bothered, as you now seem to act aloof,” Sirius said crossing his arms. Remus was now so deep buried in shit that he didn’t know how to get out of this one. He opened his mouth only to close it again.
“So you don’t deny it then?” Sirius kept pressing with that aristocratic demeanor. Remus realized then that the only way out was through. He took a step closer to Sirius and decided to throw caution out the window. He was tired of pretending.
“What if I had done it,” He whispered in the darkness of their living room. He saw that Sirius hadn’t actually expected him to react to his taunts, and he was now the one recoiling. “What if I had stared at your lips for minutes straight, hm? Would you like the answer if it was yes?” He continued taking more steps towards the grey-eyed man. “And how would you know, unless you were looking right back at me?” He asked finally as he took one last step that left them very close.
Sirius was too stunned to speak, looking at Remus like he was a predator, and he was his next meal. And maybe Remus did have a hungry look in his eyes at the moment, who could tell? Sirius swallowed loudly in the quietness of the room. “Nothing to say now? You seemed to want to talk before,” Remus taunted. He didn’t know where all this confidence was coming from. Maybe it was the fact that Sirius seemed to be enchanted in some kind of way. He looked like someone who wanted to be kissed.
“I… I don’t want to kiss you,” Sirius whispered quietly. At that, Remus saw his opportunity come and go. He didn’t understand. Maybe he really had read it wrong. It didn’t make any sense to him, but he wouldn’t insist. Why had Sirius been so insistent on talking about it then? “I see. Good thing I didn’t say I wanted to either,” Remus said, trying to save some of his dignity as he took some steps back. “Goodnight Padfoot,” He muttered as he left to his room, not waiting for an answer.
He flopped into his bed, and as he checked his glucose levels, he cursed himself for being such an idiot. He changed into some joggers and laid down awake, revisiting all what happened that day. He covered his face with the palm of his hands, groaning. Tomorrow he’d have to make things right between them again, apologize.
A few hours deprived of sleep later, Remus opened his window and lit a cigarette, trying to calm down the nervous energy that ran through his body. He had just brought it to his lips when he heard a knock outside of his bedroom. He checked the time only to see it was 2 in the morning. He muttered a ‘come in’ and the door opened.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said as he entered the room. And oh no, Remus couldn’t accept that. “Sirius, no. Don’t feel sorry, okay? You’re entitled to want or not want at all to kiss someone, and you shouldn’t feel bad about rejecting them… Even if it’s me,” He cut in blowing up his previous denial. There went his dignity, he guessed. He looked towards the cold street as he smoked.
“Remus, shut up. I mean I’m sorry for lying to you,” He said as he walked towards Remus and leaned against the wall next to the window. “You… you just caught me by surprise with your reaction to my questions, and I panicked.”
Now Remus was the speechless one. The cigarette was burning down, forgotten in his hand as he looked at Sirius. He couldn’t tell if this was real, a dream or a prank. Did that mean that…? Remus didn’t want to be too hopeful; he might be misinterpreting once again. He cleared his closed throat. “What did you lie about, then?” He asked so quietly that he wasn’t sure if he’d said it at all, but Sirius heard anyway.
He said, staring at the floor. “Remus, I do want to kiss you, you were right,” He whispered softly and then looked up. Remus could see the honesty just there in his eyes, and he wasted no time, dropping the cigarette outside and closing the distance between them in one stride. Remus looked up at him, his breathing already unsteady, his eyes a mix of doubt and longing.
He lifted a hand, hesitant at first, but then gently brushed his cheek, savoring the moment he thought he’d never have. “I’m going to kiss you now then," he murmured, his voice barely audible over the sound of the cars coming from the street.
Without another word, he leaned in. Their lips met in a slow kiss, charged with emotions long held back, by both of them. At first, it was soft, like a question searching for an answer, but it quickly deepened, growing surer as Sirius let his arms fall around his neck, pulling him closer. Remus stepped between Sirius’ legs, pushing him completely against the wall as he devoured his lips. Remus could finally touch that soft black hair that made him go mad, touch his waist as he kept Sirius right there.
The world seemed to fade away as they kissed; there was no noise, no time, only the warmth of the moment. They got lost in each other, just kissing. And Remus would’ve died a happy man if that was the one and only time he could do this. When they finally pulled apart, foreheads resting together, their breaths mingling, they both smiled.
“That,” Remus started in a soft whisper, panting quietly from the previous activity “is what I wanted to do at Peter’s house.” He smiled again. He couldn’t stop it actually, but at least Sirius seemed to be in the same predicament.
With his arms around Remus’ neck, Sirius kissed his cheek so softly, so reverently, Remus felt a pang on his chest. He was in so much trouble… but Sirius eyes were magnetic, like quicksand enveloping him, and he couldn’t escape, even if he tried. He didn’t want to do so anyway.