Pure Sinners

Remus Lupin was desperate. 

He had passed on Riddle’s message in his intoxicated state and Lily had gone straight to see him. The guilt surrounded him, the four walls of his bedroom closing in as they whispered. Remus ignored them, even as the beige walls shook with anger and the floor tilted to the left.

 Despite knowing Lily had gone to see Riddle, Remus had no idea where she actually was. Riddle didn’t come to headquarters unless he was needed (or if he just felt like intimidating his subjects) and usually stayed in his townhouse. Remus had heard Death Eaters referring to it as ‘the pit’ - most theorising ‘Ivy house’ was really the entrance to hell. None of the DE outside of the inner circle knew the location of the house. Rumours flew through the group, many missing members were said to have visited the house before ‘disappearing’. 

Remus suspected Lily had lived there at one point. He had no real proof, only a handful of stories that couldn’t have possibly taken place in the middle of downtown London. He remembered these stories vividly - they often came as they were lying in his bed when it was just them in the silence of the night. A thought shook its way through his head - unwanted, and vivid. 

It had been years ago now, they’d been lying on his bed. Remus had been waiting for her to leave but she hadn’t. She had simply lain there, blood drying on her temple, gazing at the ceiling until Remus called her name.

“When you were sick as a child, did your mother make you soup?” She had asked and Remus had been so startled at the question he had simply nodded. She had turned her head towards him, like a newborn - wide-eyed and pouting. “Riddle never made me soup..” She frowned but spoke before Remus could. “..He used to read me stories, whenever I got sick.” Her eyes had closed, seeing something Remus couldn’t. “Ozma of OZ was my favourite. He even did the voices” Lily had smiled at the memory and Remus had tried to picture Riddle reading to her. 

He pictured the man, in his pressed suit, holding a tattered book in bloody hands. “Fat babies! Don’t they sound delicious?” imaginary Riddle said and Remus shuddered.  

Lily had shook her head, opening her eyes to the ceiling of Remus’s room. “It probably sounds silly to you. But I loved being sick…sometimes, I used to fake being sick for days, only to hear that story again and again.” Her voice was wistful, and Remus forced the disgust back behind his eyes. 

Lily sighed and Remus spoke against his will. “It’s okay to love him you know.”

 The words were empty, a hollow approximation of what he thought he should say. Lily had looked at him suddenly, eyes boring into the spot between his eyes and Remus was sure if she’d been armed Lily would have gutted him right there. 

She stood quickly, spooked by Remus’s words. “I don’t love him..” She said and Remus let out the breath he’d been holding.  Her face fell as she watched him and when she spoke again her voice was a quiet, shameful thing. ”Though sometimes I think I should have.” 

She quickly walked out of his room shutting the door so Remus wouldn’t hear her next words. He had anyway. He had risen after her and pressed his ear to the key hole, desperate for her thoughts on the man who would eventually kill them all. “..sometimes I want to.” She had whispered to the empty hallway between their rooms as Remus had fought the spinning of his stomach. Lily had walked quickly into her room and Remus had burst through the wooden frame of his, in a mad dash to the bathroom. 

His head hanging over the porcelain edge of the toilet bowl, he promised to never think of Lily's words again. She hadn’t meant them. She had just been emotional, she hadn’t been thinking straight, yes that was it.  

No one could ever love a monster like Riddle - especially not someone as good as Lily. Remus nodded, as he pulled his head from the bowl and pulled the chain. 

She didn’t love him, she just felt guilty. 

Riddle had tricked her when she was young and impressionable, reading her stories of love and family she didn’t have. She was saddened by the thought that no one had loved her, so he had made her think he did. She believed everyone deserved to be loved, and she thought herself the only chance for Riddle.  

Standing on shaky legs Remus breathed out a sigh of relief, Lily didn’t love Riddle - she had said so herself. He had walked out of the bathroom with a spring in his step and a vile thought in his head. 

Now, as he stared at the ticking clock he wondered if Lily had meant what she had said. 

Most of the time he thought yes she did, she didn’t love Riddle, simply craved being the one to use love to free the monster from its curse. 

Other times, When he lay in the dark of his room with sleep and warmth flowing through his veins he would question. He would question if Lily had lied. If she had seen his face and grappled for a way to explain the way she felt about Riddle to a boy whose disappointment she didn’t need. He remembered the way she had looked at his relived face as the word ‘don’t’ fell from her pink lips. He had made the decision for her. 

They had never spoken again of Lily's feelings on Riddle, and Remus wondered if that was for him or her. He decided it was probably for him - he resented Riddle with every atom of his being and he knew it wouldn’t take much for him to resent Lily for her connection to him. 

She knew this too. 

He could see it in the things she said, and more in the things she didn’t. 

Remus liked to pretend Lily had no past beyond the day he met her, and Lily allowed it. 

“Remus?” Came a voice from outside the door. Sirius. Sirius had always been better at dealing with Lily's past, more understanding, more willing to listen. Remus hated him for it sometimes - making her feel as though it were a complex situation.

 She should hate him - that’s all. 

One emotion. Done. 

The same way Sirius did with his Father. He hated the man, and his mother - he didn’t love them, he was half convinced he never had. Remus liked this - it was clear and concise, he could understand it. 

“Remus” Sirius called again as he twisted the doorknob. 

Sirius’s hand appeared around the door frame as he pushed the wood inwards. “You alright?” Sirius asked, his head poking through the opening as he stepped into Remus's space.

Remus could tell him the truth, that he was feeling particularly raw today due to the drug withdrawal his body was experiencing. He could confess how his thoughts were growing increasingly angry and selfish every second. He could describe the disjointed feelings flooding his brain, only overpowered by his growing need. 

If he were honest he would tell the boy with silver eyes that he would likely be leaving the house in the next few hours in search of a fix, and that he would do ANYTHING to get it. 

He opened his mouth, truth poised on his tongue before he stopped abruptly. Sirius was looking at him with such care, such worry that Remus’s world went quiet. “Are you okay?” The black-haired boy asked. Remus felt the pressure on his heart lessen. He shook his head, allowing Sirius to lock their hands together. Remus watched Sirius shiver with growing interest as his thumb rolled over his knuckles. 

”Is it Lily?” Sirius asked as Remus drowned in pools of moonlight. ‘Is it Lily’ the words echoed in Remus’s empty brain. He turned them over between his fingers, twisting and turning until they caught light. The fire spread through his body. Flames licked at his calves as magma flowed through his veins. 

His laugh was bitter, he could feel the heat as he spoke.  “Of course, it’s Lily. Because everything always has to be about Lily.” He watched in amusement as Sirius baulked, backtracking immediately. “Wha..”

 “I can't be upset because of my own shitty life. No no…” the sides of his lips raised in some twisted version of a smile. “I'm supposed to be crying my eyes out for Lily, why? Because she’s been gone a few hours?” The ash fell on Sirius's head and Remus was angry at the way he simply looked to the ground. 

“God you’re father was right you are pathetic” he spat, smile widening as Sirius flinched. Reminders of his Father would always make him flinch, as though he were once again a child - he would forget about his muscles and his voice. The perfect little boy: quiet and pained. 

“What? She didn’t leave you a note and now you’re a a stuttering mess.” Sirius attempted to stutter out a response and Remus’s smile (if that’s what it was) widened as his point was proved. “She’s not you’re mother Sirius,” he said hidden in a laugh. He hid some hatred in his eyes, ignoring the water gathering at the edges of his vision. 

“No, she’s our friend and we don’t know where she is” Sirius clarified an angry expression finally crossing his face. Remus huffed and moved closer to the tattooed man. “YOU don’t know where she is” he emphasised, only to watch Sirius’s brows furrow. 

“Where is she?” He asked looking up to Remus with loaded eyes. 

“Where do you think?” 

“She would have said” Sirius shook his head vehemently and the movement annoyed Remus further. 

His arm shot out, hand wrapping itself around Sirius’s throat. Grey eyes went wide and Sirius’s mouth parted as though to speak - Remus squeezed, just a little until Sirius’s mouth fell shut again. 

“Would she?” He asked allowing his thumb to softly run over Sirius’s jugular. Sirius’s eyes looked everywhere but Remus as he stayed silent. 

Remus squeezed again - harder. 

Sirius's hand wrapped around his, wrenching it from his throat in one swift motion. 

“Would she?” He asked again as Sirius's eyes locked onto his own. 

“N-no” Sirius growled out an answer. 

“Do you really want to know where she is?” Remus asked as his eyes flitted down to Sirius’s lips. Sirius’s stone eyes lit with confusion that couldn’t quite conceal the lust he wanted to hide. Sirius wanted him, or at least wanted to kiss him. Remus’s smile widened at this unexpected development. Sirius frowned deeply, a large line making itself known between his eyebrows.   

“You’re being cruel,” Sirius stated as though he were surprised. Remus laughed again, the sound was foreign and Sirius stepped back as he heard it. 

 “Good to know there’s still a brain in that thick head of yours”. Remus spat, moving forwards.  He couldn’t stand to have Sirius in his room a second longer. 

“You haven’t been like this in..” Sirius cut himself off and Remus suddenly wished he’d locked the door. He wished that Sirius had never knocked, and he wondered just how ugly this was about to get. “Are you sober?” Sirius asked suddenly much too close to Remus than he should be. 

Fuck. 

Why could nobody in this fucking house mind their own business? 

“Does the pope fuck kids?” Remus said looking over Sirius's head. 

“Fucking look at me!” Sirius yelled, like a child having a temper tantrum. Suddenly Remus felt as though he understood Mrs Black perfectly, he too would have disowned Sirius. 

Remus felt the kindling spark again - why should he look at Sirius? why was it any of his business?  It was his body and he could do what he liked with it. Sirius was disappointed. It was written across his face, in the crease beside his eyes. It was written in his slouched shoulders and In his exasperated sighs. Remus wasn’t surprised by how he’d disappointed him - he disappointed people all the time.  

Remus stood to leave. Sirius moved fast, his arm reaching out to grab at the fabric of Remus's shirt. 

His fist had swung around before Remus had even thought of it. 

***

Sirius was crying. 

There was a small trail of blood flowing from his nose, and he was bawling like an infant. He was sitting, bowlegged on Remus’s floor, covering his face with his hands.  “Fuck Sirius!..” Remus swore loudly ignoring the way Sirius flinched “Why can you never just mind your own business?” He asked running his hands through his wild hair. 

“You always have to push!” He shouted again, kicking his bedside table. Fuck - this had all gone so wrong. He needed to leave, he had to get out. He started for the door again. It was too much, he felt too much. He needed to be somewhere else, he needed a hit. 

“Please” Sirius sniffled and Remus felt his feet stop against his will. Remus hit his head against the wooden panelling of the door, hard enough so the bang reverberated against his skull. “I need to leave Sirius,” he said quietly - coals smothered under the weight of his actions. 

“Please” Sirius whispered again and Remus sighed. 

God did he need a hit. 

His feet carried him over to the man on the floor. Remus sighed before sitting next to him on the filthy carpet of his room. Sirius sniffled and Remus wrapped his arm around him, comforted by the fact Sirius didn’t flinch at his touch. The silence was endless, a thick cloud of discomfort resting in the little space between them. 

“I'm sorry” Remus whispered, Sirius nodded pressing his head into Remus’s chest. 

Remus couldn’t breathe, choking on his guilt. He raised his shaky hand and ran it through Sirius’s loose hair. 

 “Sorry” he whispered again, placing a soft kiss to Sirius's head. 

It didn’t take long for Sirius to stop crying. But when the crying stopped the berating began. 

“Really Remus, how could you do this? After everything we did to help you the first time” 

“How did you even get it?” 

“Who sold to you?”

“What will Lily say?”

“It’s been years Remus, why now?”

The only comfort to Remus, as he watched Sirius pace the length of the room again and again was that he thought this was his first relapse. He was mad because Remus had done it but ultimately he would forgive him because ‘what’s one slip up anyway’.

 Remus’s guilty conscience began screaming, the sound was loud and the pitch was giving him a headache. He suddenly wished he could take back every bad thing he’d ever said about Lily because he was sure this sound was on a constant loop in her brain. 

“I can’t believe you kept this from me,” Sirius said sadly as he sat back on the floor next to Remus. 

Oh, Sirius, the things you don’t know would destroy you. 

“I'm sorry..” He repeated for the tenth time “it won’t happen again” he lied with his whole heart. It was always easier to lie when you were also lying to yourself. He wondered how anyone could possibly believe him when he didn’t even believe himself. 

“Good,” Sirius said with a smile, issue officially dealt with he stood pulling Remus up with him and headed out towards the living room.