Chapter 1
1975 end of the school year.
Sirius's anxiety is growing. They are almost at King Cross his friends are laughing and planning summer programs. He tries paying attention but all he can think about is the three miserable months he’s going to spend at Grimmaud Place. Is Regulus feeling the same, probably? He has to act like they parents' little girl again. Sirius desperately wants to comfort him but, doesn’t know how. How to help him when he can’t even help himself? He hates how he acts in front of their parents, how he can’t stand up for himself, how he freezes down. Even if he could they would use curses again, Crucio first then Imperio so they never have to deal with their sons. The whistle of the train pulls back Sirius from his thoughts. He looks around James and Peter are in a heated conversation about quidditch, they look so careless. But Remus's attention is on Sirius and he looks worried.
“Are you okay?” whispers, he knows Sirius's family situation is complicated. Sirius never told anybody how bad it was, but they knew it wasn’t exactly a dream. Sirius just nods he doesn’t want to lie or Remus to worry so he tries to smile. It’s probably a little wonky so he just hopes it will do the trick. Hogwarts Express stopped. He takes a big breath and starts to get up. James flung his arm around him and started to guide him off the train. On the platform, everybody said goodbye to each other and promised to write over the summer.
“You can’t write me!” Sirius says bluntly. Now James also looks at him worrying.
“Why?” ask desperately.
“My parents won’t let me.” he doesn’t want to say more about the matter. Maybe he could do it in secret but after what happened last summer, he wasn’t gonna risk it. He hugs James one last time. Says goodbye to the others and starts walking to the Slytherin crowd. He doesn’t see Regulus, so he walks up to Barty.
“Hi. Where is he?” ask awkwardly. Barty just looks at him like it's obvious.
“Changing”
“Right, I’m going to wait for him at the entrance.” Says and stars walking in said direction. He starts fishing in his pockets for his cigarettes. When Regulus finds him he already smoking. Regulus obviously looks very uncomfortable. His hair is longer than it used to be. He is wearing more feminine clothing. Sirius offers him cigarettes. He gladly accepts. They stand like that for a few minutes, quietly smoking. When Regulus is finished, he takes a deep breath.
“We should go”
Sirius just nods.
The next two months are as peaceful as an abusive household can be. The days are monotone full of studying and housework but until they don’t get punished it’s a holiday. Regulus and he doesn’t really talk until one evening long past curfew he tries to sneak up to the roof for a quick smoke break. When he finds Regulus already sitting and smoking. He quietly walks up to him. They had a hard day they mother found a muggle book in Regulus room. If she knew how scandalous text the subtle cover hid they would be even bigger trouble. Sirius tried to take the blame but he couldn't even tell the author's name so she punished him for lying. When he sat down Regulus jumped a little.
“It's okay, just me.” He lit his cigarette and took a deep breath.
“Thank you” Regulus wisped. Sirius's heart sank a little it isn’t supposed to be like this. Living on painkillers and nicotine.
“What were you reading?” Sirius already knew just wanted to see his brother's reaction.
“Maurice but I already read a few times.” His answer surprised Sirius. He thought Regulus gonna throw it away after the second page, but he read it multiple times. He didn’t read it but he knew it was a romantic novel.
“Since when do you like romantic stuff?” He meant it as a joke but he would mind if Regulus told him a little bit more. Regulus just rolled his eyes but didn’t look annoyed, more like anxious. He played with his rings; he only did that to calm himself.
“What?” Sirius turned to look at his little brother.
“I would like to tell you something. But don’t act weird please.” Regulus looked up his brother, his eyes big and scared. He almost begged. Sirius started to feel a little uneasy.
“I would request two minutes to freak out if you tell me, you are the biggest romantic who lived.” He meant it as a joke but Regulus looked more terrified than before. Why does he always says the wrong thing.
“I promise to act normal. I know when you told me that you are my brother, I isn’t exactly supported you and I regret that every single day. I fucked up really bad but please give me one more opportunity, now on you get my full support no matter what.” He meant it. When Regulus came out the summer before Sirius's second year, he dismissed his brother's request to call him Regulus. When they arrived at Hogwarts, he almost immediately left him to meet up with James and the other. Months later he got angry at Regulus because he stopped talking to him and blamed the Slytherins. He needed almost a year and a crackdown from Remus to understand it was his fault. After that, he apologized but their relationship was never the same.
Regulus took a big drag from his cigarette “I’m gay. That’s why I like that book it’s comforting to know there are people like me.” He didn’t dared to look at Sirius. No matter how much Sirius wanted to look at his brother’s eyes.
“Tomorrow evening you are coming out with me.” He didn’t ask, he stated.
“That is all the reaction I get? “Tomorrow evening you are coming out with me.” Where? Why? How exactly are you planning to go anywhere you are only 16 can’t apparent and I doubt that mother let us use the floo.” Sirius sighed
“First of all, you asked me to don’t make it weird but thank you for telling me. Secondal where we are going is a surprise. We are leaving at 10, get ready by then.” Regulus just rolled his eyes but didn’t argue any further. They sat silently for several minutes until Sirius could not wait anymore he needed to ask.
“When did you find out?”
“Around February”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“We sometimes fuck with Barty, but we aren’t exclusive” Sirius almost fell off the roof.
“You what?” He couldn’t process those words. He stared at Regulus in disbelief.
“Like you didn’t do it. I had to listen to how everybody talked about how you pulled half of the girls.”
“Okay but I’m your big brother I have moral supremacy to judge. When we go back I have to threaten Barty.”
“No, you do not. You promised not to make it weird.”
“When I promised I didn’t know he disgraced my little brother.” Regulus just rolled his eyes again.
“Drama queen” After that they both opened up and talked ‘til midnight. Sirius hugged his brother and once more told him “Thank you” before they both went to bed.
Sirius couldn’t sleep just kept thinking. What’s it like with a boy? Could he love another boy? Could he be attracted to a boy? How does love feel like? He doesn’t think he ever was in love before, how should he know? He started to think about why he started dating girls, but he couldn’t name one good reason. A girl just asked him out and he went with it, next thing he remembered everybody called him the Casanova of Gryffindor. He always hated it. It didn’t felt like a compliment. He didn’t sleep for another to hours but eventually, the exhaustion won and slowly drifted to sleep.