To Know
To Know
First class of the year, her worst enemy, potions class. In this year, YN promise herself that she would do her absolute best to make herself worthy of this class and for the approval of professor Snape. As YN starts to write down possible ingredients they might need for this class, thanks to some old notes she found in one of the corners of the classroom, her body feels the heavy tension in the air. She pays attention to her surroundings, how everyone looks serious and/or uncomfortable, knowing why is this. Snape got his reputation completely ruin thanks for his loyalty to Voldemort and for what he did to Dumbledore, killing him. She could even listen far whispering, questioning how he dares to still show his face in Hogwarts, why would he still work in here? She questions herself the same thing. She wanders, it could be a few things such as the way Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, tried to make look Snape as a great wizard, a double agent who fool Voldemort, saved Harry himself and who protect him every second in the whole war even when he was in the border of dying. The other option that YN wanders could it be that McGonagall, the headmaster of Hogwarts, just simply couldn't let someone as powerful as Snape to go that easily, after all, Snape prove himself to be worthy in both Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts.
YN hums quiet loud.
"Already bored, Ms. YLN?" Questions a deep and emotionless voice. All the students, including YN turn their heads from behind, looking at Professor Snape entering the classroom. His face shows no emotion, except for one, just an angry, or better said, a irritated one. YN grimaces awkwardly, the class didn't started yet and she already got Snape scolding her like a little girl.
The class beings but no one speaks, neither her most chatty friends dares to say nothing in his presence but not afraid of him as those many years ago, just out of hatred towards him, to not speak to him. YN doesn't mind this silence order in the classroom but these are the moments where she could be listening to her muggle music and to avoid her own thoughts as she tries to understand what is she even doing in her cauldron. As she mixes with her wand on her cauldron, she tries to remember what comes next on the potion making. The Wolfsbane potion is quite a challenging one, which requires many ingredients and is very easy to get lost in it if you are quite distracted. YN, narrowing her eyes, worried that her potion will get ruin, she quickly raises her hand up.
"P-Professor! I... I need help." She says trying to call his attention with a loud and clear tone of voice but it sounded too loud. Snape, turns and looks over YN and sighs, walking over to her. As he makes his way towards her, everyone else just looks shock and indignant, mainly because YN dared to call him, speak to him, and because Snape didn't show any sort of annoyance or being hesitant for helping her in her needs.
"What is it, Ms. YLN?" He asks with his now common monotone tone of voice, placing his hands down to the table to support himself.
"I got lost, it is now green but I don't remember what follows to make it... Uhm-"
"Bubble?" She snaps her fingers.
"Yes! I-I mean, it looks just plain now." Snape leans forward to look down to the cauldron, his eyes judging it.
"Do you remember what you last added to the potion, Ms. YLN?" He asks looking at her with a neutral look and tone. YNs eyes start to look around, thinking quickly and picking up her notebook, reading the ingredients she write down and check, the ones she remember from the fast and complicated explanation from the professor.
"I added the mandrake leaves,later the dragons blood... And I wait for it to heat up, then the moonsto-"
"Then you need to mix it, Ms. YLN." Without letting her finish speaking, he moves his long and pale hand to take out his wand out, all old and cracking, of his ropes to mix it by himself. YN observes, looking down to the cauldron.
"Ms.YLN" YN looks up to him quickly, every time he called her by her last name it would make her nervous, scared that he would scold her for something stupidly tiny."Pass me your notebook, please." She looks confused, blinking a little until she passes him her notebook which he takes away with him and places it down on his desk.
YN look at the cauldron, noticing how the liquid changes to a more light purplish colour and bubbles quite a lot but as she moves back, Snape is again back to her table with her notebook in hand.
"I wrote down what you missed of my explanation, Ms.YLN." Not believing it, YN opens up her notebook, passing the pages until she gets to the page where she wrote down her ingredients. In it, Snape, with his feminine writing, wrote down all the ingredients and steps missing in it. He even wrote a small text on the edge of the right corner saying Pay attention for the next class.
"Pay attention for the next class, Ms.YLN." He repeats with his monotone tone of voice, turning around, already walking away from the table.
YN couldn't believe it, did Snape actually help her out? She is both thankful and confused by this. Snape never, on her six years at hogwarts, has show any sort of kindness or either willingness to help any student, less to one of his clumsiest students such as herself. But she quickly regains her attention back to the potion making before she forgets what to do and thanks to the notes write down by the professor, she follows its instructions more attentively now.
By the end of the class, YN and her classmates finishes their potions and place down the liquids into medium sizes bottles. YN looks proudly when she picks up her bottle and looks more closely into it, compare to the other bottles, hers is the most shiny one, with a lavender colour in it and with a small bits of sparkles inside. She takes a deep breath, it isn't her first time doing a potion that doesn't end up exploding or burning anything but sure it has been a quite long time since she did one almost excellent as the Wolfsbane one but she does admit that maybe, without the help of professor Snape, she wouldn't manage to make a potion quite like this.
Everyone starts to leave the classroom, including YN herself, she picks her dark brown satchel, which is decorated with a few pins and keychains of the many interests she has such as her favorite bands, her favorite TV shows and one special keychain in which it has her owl, Chuza, handmade by her mother. As YN is distracted taking a good look at this keychain and making sure it is not broken or anything, Snape picks up a dishcloth and starts to clean one tables next to the one she was in.
"I am surprised, Ms. YLN-" As he starts to speak, without looking at her, YN turns her head to the left, paying attention to him now. "That you decided to ask for help today. I wouldn't had expected that from you."
YN process his words, it is true, she is not quite the type of student who would participe that much in the classes, except, obviously, on her favorite subjects but why would she ask for help at this specific class? Knowing that everyone avoided talking or even looking at him, she stand up and asked for help. Would her classmates expected for her to stay silent? To just fail a potion from the pressure of everyone else on her, to not break this silent rule? She quickly shakes her head a little and smiles embarrassed to the professor.
"I am... Trying to change, professor. This is my last year at Hogwarts and I wish to do my best just to know what will I do for my future." She says with a calm yet flat tone of voice, looking inside of her satchel in search of her iPod.
"Ms. YLN, do you not know what will you do in the future?" Questions Snape with his eyebrows furrowed, his voice stays with that slow and deep tone but with a small hint of surprise. YN snorts and then jiggles out of nervousness.
"I-I do... I-I mean, like, I still have to finish my N.E.W.T exams and all that-"
"Ms. YLN, the N.E.W.T exams do not define your future, the exams are to prove the capacity and ability of the students, just because certain magical departments as Healers and Aurors require five of these exams approve, it doesn't mean that you are going to end up being neither of those two." Hissed Snape stopping his cleaning and now looking directly at her, now his monotone tone taking a more passionate turn. YN only looked to a side, feeling extremely uncomfortable.
"Ms. YLN, do not use excuses on me and less if you don't know how to keep up those lies." Continues Snape looking back down to the table and cleaning it up with the dishcloth and his voice returning to his tone of harsh calmness. YN feels frustrated, she isn't searching for excuses, isn't she? She looks back to him.
"I-I understand, professor. I... I do not have any plans for my future. I am hoping that, for the time I graduate from Hogwarts, I will have my future planned." She admitted shyly, doubting herself if she is really going to know what to do after finishing her studies.
A small silence invades the classroom, the professor thinks now of what and how she say it, it is odd even for him to see a student doubting of what they are going to do from now on. Himself and his other classmates, at the time, they all knew what they wanted to do in the future, heck, even by the time Harry Potter was his student he even knew he wanted to be a Auror but this? This was quite a exceptional case and he does admit that this bring his interest quite high.
"Are you pure blooded, Ms. YLN?" Asks Snape trying to keep on the conversation.
"Hm? Oh, no no, I'm a muggle born, why the question?" She answers back quickly, still nervous but not enough to make her stutter, a bad habit she has. She picks up, in her talking, her satchel, placing it on her shoulder.
"Interesting, I do assume that you find Ms. Grangers life inspiring, isn't?" He interrogates looking back to her. YN stays in silence, thinking of what to answer.
"I mean, yes, she is quite a idol for the muggle borns as me but if you are thinking if I want to follow the same path as her, I rather tell by now that her career is not inside of my ideas for my future work." She admits with a sheepishly smile, feeling that maybe she is sounding too rude. The potions master blinks slowly, taking in her words, she assume right, he was going to tell her to do the same thing as Hermione Granger did, working for the ministry.
"If that is not a path of your interest, you could, perhaps, follow your house steps, Newt Scamander is also quite idolize by the Hufflepuff students and many of them end up in the Herbology or Care of Animal Creatures fields." He says thinking of another option for her as he moves the dishcloth up and walks over to another table in the classroom, one which is more far away from her.
"Professor, in all respect but proposing that is on the same level than saying that, because you are a Slytherin, you should follow the steps of Voldemo-" She shush quickly as she realises the name she was going to say and stops on her tracks on her way towards the professor. Snape, who stopped cleaning the table, turns abruptly and looks at her with narrow eyes, a flaming hatred in them for the almost mentioning of the Dark Lord.
"Watch your words, Ms. YLN. I will not tolerate any mentioning of that name." He roughs out of his mouth with such venomous frustration that it could burn YN skin. Her eyes, fill with regret, look to a side, she feels so stupid.
"I... Apologize." She murmurs with a hint of pain on her voice, she clenches her fists tight. "I retire now." She says right after, now making her way out of the classroom.
Her hand enters quickly inside of her satchel ready to listen to her music, avoiding once again her thoughts and feelings. As she places her earphones in a rapid manner, she grits her teeth frustrated, why did I had to say that to him? What I was thinking? I was nervous? Am I really searching excuses to avoid thinking alone with myself? But before her brainstorm could keep its dangerous path, she manages to put a song on and listen to it. "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who, she sighs relief that this song came up. It has this sad yet comforting ring into it that ceases down her anxiety.
It brings her peace, she looks up to the sky from the one of the many courtyards inside of the school, watching the few Autumn leafs reaching up from above then falling down to the gray breaking stone of the school field. She sighs softly and makes her way back to the Hufflepuff common room as she hums the melody of the song.
"But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be."