Chapter 3
Sirius couldn’t breathe. Remus had gone quiet and Sirius couldn’t breathe. And yet still somehow sobs were tearing through him and he was shaking like a leaf in a storm.
“I’m sorry, please, you have to believe me, please-” He trailed off into a little whimper that he knew was pathetic but he couldn’t help it.
“Hey, it’s okay, I believe you. Can you take a deep breath for me?” He tried, he really did, but he couldn’t get enough air through his sobs. “Siri, I need you to breathe, you’re going to make yourself pass out.” His voice was soothing and Sirius closed his eyes, trying to focus on just the sound as he kept talking softly. “It’s going to be alright, I just need you to take a breath for me, can you do that?” He managed to take a shaky breath, then another.
“There you go, you’re doing so good, can you take a couple more for me?” It took several minutes for him to get his breathing steady but once he could breathe without a struggle he opened his eyes again. Remus was watching, a concerned look on his face. “Hey, you back with me now?” Sirius nodded slightly. “Can I sit next to you?” Again, he nodded. Remus moved from his position on the floor and settled on the bed next to Sirius.
“I need you to know that I’m not upset with you, okay? I believe that you didn’t want to. None of it is your fault. Alright?” Sirius just looked at him. Of course he was upset, who wouldn’t be? It was nice of him to say he wasn’t but Sirius knew he was lying. He’d been acting weird since it happened. As for it being his fault…
“I shouldn’t have gone walking alone, it was stupid.”
“That doesn’t make it your fault Siri.” It didn’t really make it not his fault either but he didn’t have the energy to argue over it. “Hey, look at me. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong.” Remus was frowning slightly, he didn’t like it when Remus frowned.
“Okay.” The soft agreement seemed to surprise Remus a little.
“Alright then. Good.” They sat there in silence for several minutes, Remus watching Sirius closely while he did his best to pretend he didn’t notice and played with the hem of his shirt. After a while Remus finally spoke again.
“Are you okay if I finish some homework or do you want me to stay here?” Sirius shrugged.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind sitting with you.” Sirius shrugged again.
“I’m fine, you can go, I’ll just lay down or something.” Hesitantly, Remus stood and walked back to the desk while Sirius curled up underneath the covers, watching him.
- - -
“Siri?” He felt someone settle on his bed and peeked out of the covers to see Remus sitting cross legged by his feet. He blinked several times. “Did I wake you up?” Shrugging slightly he squirmed into a slightly more comfortable position.
“I was only kind of asleep.” Remus hummed and they sat together for a few moments before he spoke.
“Do you think you could talk to someone about what happened? Like Professor Mcgonagle maybe?” Remus didn’t even finish his question before he was shaking his head.
“I don’t wanna.” His response came out as a whine but he didn’t have the energy to be embarrassed. Remus just let out a soft sigh and out of the corner of his eye Sirius saw his hand go to rest on Sirius’s leg before it froze and returned to Remus’s lap. That stung.
“I know you don’t want to but I think it would help. And an adult needs to know about what happened, even if it’s just who did it so that something can be done about it.” Sirius didn’t reply for a long while. “If you really don’t want to talk to her can I at least know who it was? That way I can tell someone and something can still be done about it?” Sirius looked up at him, studying his face intently before burying his face in his pillow.
“The new fucking defense against the dark arts teacher.” Remus let out a light sigh but he didn’t look up.
“Would it be okay if I go talk to Mcgonagle sometime? Maybe later tonight when James and Peter get back? They can stay with you and I’ll go talk to her, does that sound okay?” He gave a slight shrug and heard Remus sigh again, soft enough that he probably wasn’t supposed to be able to hear it.
“Siri-” Suddenly angry, he sat up and glared at Remus, fighting back tears.
“Just fuck off, okay? Leave me alone! Do whatever the hell you want, I don’t care, I’m not in charge of you.” Remus stared at him for a moment.
“I… I’m not trying to upset you, I just want to make sure you’re okay with it. If you don’t want me to tell people I won’t.” He didn’t reply. “Can you tell me why you’re upset so I can fix it?”
“I’m not upset.” Remus gave him a look.
“That’s a lie and we both know it.” His expression softened. “Can you tell me what’s wrong? Please?” Before Sirius could stop himself he blurted it out.
“You hate me now and it’s fucking killing me watching you try to pretend you don’t.” Remus’s mouth dropped open.
“What?”
- - -
Remus’s mind was racing. What did Sirius mean he hated him? Pretending he didn’t? What? He hadn’t realized he’d asked the question out loud until Sirius answered, tears slipping down his cheeks.
“You- you won’t touch me anymore and you won’t call me baby or anything it’s just Siri and you hardly talk to me and-” Oh. Oh no. A mix of horror and regret decided to settle in his chest.
“Hey, hey, love, hey look at me.” He looked up, eyes teary and Remus tucked a piece of hair behind his ear gently. “I’m so, so sorry you feel like I hate you, I didn’t mean for it to seem like that.” Sirius was crying in earnest now and Remus scooted closer, pulling him into a hug. Sirius pressed his face into Remus’s shoulder and Remus held him tightly, pressing occasional kisses to his cheek while he cried. Pulling on his waist slightly Remus murmured.
“Come on baby, there's no way that's comfortable.” After a momentary struggle Sirius was able to uncross his legs and get the rest of the way out from under the blankets to climb onto Remus’s lap so he wasn’t in such an awkward position. “Love?” Sirius hummed softly.
“I promise I don’t hate you. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just didn’t think you wanted to be touched since you left cuddles really quickly after you woke up and you never came for hugs like you usually do. I… I just wanted to give you some space. I thought… I don’t know, I thought I might make it worse if I tried to push affection onto you.” Sirius let out a half laugh and looked up at him, tears still staining his face but a sparkle Remus hadn’t seen in his eyes for days finally shining again.
“How bloody noble of you.” Remus just smiled and brushed the tears off Sirius’s cheeks with his thumbs.
“I’m a right gentleman.” Sirius laughed again.
“You’re anything but a gentleman Moony. Now that we’ve got all that sorted, I do require cuddles.” Remus cupped his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead, smiling affectionately for a moment.
“And you’re right back to being bossy.”
“Shut the fuck up.”