Chapter 2
Remus was reading, well he called it reading, it was really him trying to focus on the book while pretending he wasn’t overthinking what could have happened to Sirius, on the bed across from Sirius, when he started making little whimpering noises. He frowned and set down his book. Sirius squirmed and a terrified little cry escaped his mouth.
“No, please, I don’t want to!” His heart sank as he moved to kneel next to him on the floor. Setting a gentle hand on his shoulder he shook him lightly.
“Siri, Siri you're having a nightmare. You need to wake up.” Sirius squirmed and pushed the hand off his shoulder.
“Don't touch me, please, don’t-”
“Siri, you need to wake up, come on.” He shook him again, harder this time, and his eyes opened, meeting Remus’s. “Hey, you with me now?” Sirius stared at him for a few moments before his face turned pink and he hid his face in the covers for a few moments.
“Sorry.” Remus sighed softly and moved away, sitting back down on the bed across from him.
“You don't need to apologize, I've been waking you up from nightmares for years.” Not recently, you haven’t had nightmares that I notice like that in months, he decided not to add. He tried to keep his voice even but a sick feeling settled in his stomach as more pieces clicked into place, building a picture he was certain he didn’t want to see.
“Yeah but…” Sirius’s voice trailed off for a moment. “Nevermind.” He stayed curled up in the blankets for several moments before Remus spoke.
“James and Peter left for breakfast a little bit ago, do you think that you could go down and eat something?” Indescribable terror appeared on his face for a second and he shook his head vehemently. “Okay, I didn't think so but I thought I'd ask. They're supposed to bring food up with them so that you can eat.”
“I don't want food.” Remus sighed.
“You need to eat Siri. Food is important.” There was silence for a moment before a realization seemed to hit Sirius.
“Are you going to go to classes?” He considered the question, trying to figure out what answer Sirius was looking for before deciding to offer the decision to him. Sirius always felt better when he got to make decisions when he felt out of control and Remus figured it’d help a little.
“Do you want me to? I can go if you want me to leave so you can be alone.” Sirius hesitated.
“I don't want you to miss your classes.” Remus just shook his head, classes were the last thing on his list of priorities, not to mention he wouldn’t be able to focus.
“You're much more important than classes. Besides, it'll be good for James and Peter to pay attention for once instead of stealing my notes.” Sirius smiled slightly but didn't respond.
- - -
Sirius stayed in bed most of the morning, curled up in the blankets. Remus tried to give him space, especially after he’d unconsciously reached over to rub his knee while he was reading and Sirius yelped like he was being burned then started crying again. When there was a knock on the door in the mid afternoon he’d frowned but quickly reassured Sirius before heading to check the door. When he opened it he saw Minerva standing in the hall, slight frown on her face.
“Oh, hi professor.” Sirius let out a little whimper and when Remus glanced over he was watching the door, horrified. Remus realized he couldn’t see who it was with the door only partially open. “It’s Professor McGonagall Siri, is it okay if I go out to talk to her for a moment?” The horror slowly dissipated, and he nodded. Remus stepped out, shutting the door behind him quietly. “What can I do for you professor?” She studied him for a moment.
“It’s come to my attention that both you and Mr. Black haven’t been to any classes today. While I expect this sort of behavior from Mr. Black I do not from you. When I asked Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew they were unable to come up with any sort of believable story.” He grit his teeth in something resembling a grin. Of course the one time it was really truly important to come up with a believable lie they’d failed. It wasn’t their fault, typically they had a response rehearsed but still.
“That sounds pretty typical, yeah. Just your normal, day to day activities.” Okay maybe he’d been a bit too harsh on James and Peter, this was harder than expected. She gave him a severe look.
“Mr. Lupin.”
“Yeah?”
“I highly suggest you come up with something very good before I give the lot of you detention for a week.” He let out a light sigh. Just tell her part of the truth, she’ll find out one way or another and Sirius was not in any shape to get detention for a week.
“I… Last night something happened to Sirius. I don’t know for sure what it was yet but he’s… he's not doing great. I’ve been staying up here with him to make sure he’s okay.” Her expression softened immediately into concern. Despite her severe manner Remus had been around her long enough to know that she did really care about her students, maybe the four of them especially though she’d never admit it. Someone had brought a muggle camera one year and gone around taking pictures for everyone. Sirius and James had somehow convinced her to take a picture with the four of them and it was kept in her upper desk drawer. A fact he’d definitely learned while following all school rules and not after breaking into her office.
“Is he going to be alright? Is he hurt, do you need me to get Poppy? You said you’re not sure what happened, do you have an idea?” He hesitated, chewing his lip.
“I… I think he’ll be okay in time. I don’t think getting Poppy would be very helpful.” She considered his response for a moment.
“Do you have an idea of what happened?” He felt vaguely ill but nodded all the same.
“I think so, I hope I’m wrong.”
- - -
Sirius slept in his own bed that night. And it actually killed Remus to go lay down alone. Sirius hadn’t slept alone, at least at Hogwarts, since second year. It was just his thing, first he slept with James, then he had moved to sleeping Remus, especially after they’d gotten their act together and finally confessed. He still sometimes slept with James or if James and Remus were arguing over him too much or he was being petty he slept with Peter. But alone? Never.
Remus laid in bed, staring at the curtains drawn around his bed, completely cutting him off from Sirius. Cutting him off from being able to help him. He left his own open in case Sirius needed him during the night and silently cried himself to sleep.
- - -
Sirius made it almost another day before he broke. Remus was sitting across the room doing homework, both of theirs per usual, when he started sobbing and he was immediately across the room and kneeling next to him.
“Hey, hey. Why are we crying again? Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Sirius wrapped himself in a tight hug and rocked back and forth, crying hard enough to shake his entire body.
“Feel dirty.” Feel dirty? Remus felt nauseating dread beginning to appear in his stomach.
“Can you tell me why you feel dirty Siri?”
“I…” His voice cracked and so did part of Remus’s heart but he tried to keep his face calm, he didn’t want to upset Sirius anymore than he already was. “He wouldn’t let me go and I didn’t- I didn’t want to, I promise, he made me and I-” Sirius’s sobs started anew and Remus almost reached out to try to comfort him before deciding it might cause more harm than good.
“Hey, hey it’s okay, can you take some deep breaths for me?” He tried, Remus could tell but he was panicking now.
“Please, you have to believe me, I didn’t want to, I promise, please.” Remus tried to interject to try to calm him down but Sirius’s panicked rambling just continued. “I promise, I didn’t want to Moony, I love you I’d never try to cheat on you, I-” And just like a final puzzle piece sliding into place everything clicked.
When he’d stumbled back into the dorm with his clothes torn and bruises starting to form on visible parts of his stomach Remus had thought he’d been beaten by some Slytherins or something. It’d made sense that he’d panicked so much, Remus knew his parents beat him and it’d made sense that it would have freaked him out enough to make him slide back into this fucked up depressed state.
But the way he flinched when Remus touched his thigh or tensed up that first night when Remus’s arm went around his waist to hold him. The things he’d said during nightmares and bouts of crying. The way he’d panicked when Remus had greeted Minerva as “Professor.” The way he’d been pleading for Remus to believe that he didn’t want to.
Oh god, Sirius had been raped. He’d been raped by a teacher. And he thought Remus was upset about it.