Coping
Grief is a funny thing. It’s different for every person. A different experience for every individual. A different reaction for two people who had very similar experiences.
Barty was quieter now. He didn’t mess around in class, he didn’t tell jokes, he didn’t try to make small talk. He just sat there, like a ghost. He only talked to Regulus. He was hurting, but he rarely let it show. Barty wouldn’t even talk to Regulus on the bad days. He just sat there, staring. Like he was lost in his head. Like there was no safety; no way out.
Evan was his safety.
For Regulus, to summarize, he was fucking struggling. He had to act fine in front of everyone; him and James weren’t supposed to be dating. He had all of these pent up emotions, and he could only express them in solitude. It hurt. It stung. He had to go about his normal life like nothing was wrong, when in reality everything was.
He had to sit in the Great Hall and watch his brother fall apart. They were best friends. Sirius was attached to James, more than his own boyfriend. So in short, Sirius got to do all of the things Regulus wanted to. He got to break. He got everyone's sympathy. He was able to not be okay.
Regulus had to watch from afar, gripping Barty’s hand under the table as tightly as possible, using all of his willpower not to cry.
After about a week, Regulus was deteriorating. He wasn’t sleeping, he was skipping meals, and he wasn’t fucking okay. He was struggling more and more each day to not break anytime he saw Sirius or his friends. They were able to be sad. They were able to be hurt.
And Regulus couldn’t.
They were constant reminders of James, so he avoided them like the plague. Anywhere he went, he tried to avoid them at all costs. This wasn’t hard, considering the fact that Sirius tried his best to avoid Regulus on any given day anyways.
When Sirius found out about the mark, he didn’t give Regulus any room to explain. He was yelling and screaming; never stopping to let Regulus explain. He stormed out after about an hour of yelling, and Regulus broke. He had been on the verge of tears anyways, due to all the screaming, but then he was done. His brother had left him.
They had finally started mending their relationship, and things were going better. They had been getting better.
And then Regulus was forced to get the mark. Every tiny thing they tried so hard to fix came crashing down.
It was now he wished he had his brother. He wished he could crawl into his arms and sob, just like he would do when he was younger.
His big brother didn’t want him anymore.
One day, it finally happened. Regulus couldn’t do it anymore.
The two brothers had run into each other, and started fighting about something petty. Somehow, it turned into more.
“I can’t take you anymore Regulus! My best friend is dead, I don’t want to fight with you-”
“He was my boyfriend!” Regulus shouts, not meaning to say anything. That was never supposed to slip.
“What?” Sirius says, shocked. His face said it all.
“He loved me! Even with this stupid mark, even though it had to be a secret, he stayed. He stayed, unlike you. He loved me despite everything. He didn't get up and leave me!” Regulus was shaking, vision blurry with tears.
“Regulus-”
“No. Don’t even. I have had to go all this time acting perfectly fine, while you and your friends got to mope and actually feel sad. I watched him die. I laid over his lifeless body. Yet I have to act fine because we weren’t supposed to be together in the first place!” He never took a breath; never paused. Everything he held back was slowly unraveling. He was unraveling.
“Regul- Reg. I’m sorry. I didn’t know-” Regulus cuts him off again.
“No. No you didn’t. Because the moment I tried to confide in you, you left me. I never even got to explain myself.” The tears had started falling. Regulus quickly wiped them away with a shaky hand.
“What is there to explain? You got the Mark. I can’t- I can’t just forget about that Reg.” Sirius’ eyes were filled with tears, but he didn’t let them fall.
“She forced me. She said she was going to kill you, and anyone else I loved. I can’t lose you Sirius.”
Sirius didn’t say anything at that.
“Mother made me. I didn’t want to, but now I have a plan. I’m going to stop everything okay? Just- this is how it has to be.” Regulus was calmer now, no more yelling.
He had accepted the fact that he wasn’t meant for anything good in life. The few good things he had, he lost. It was only a matter of time before the final things disappeared. Because of this, he accepted his fate. He knew how everything would go down, and he was okay with it. Someone had to do it, so he would.
“Reg, I can’t be seen with you. You are a Death Eater. What do you expect me to do?” Sirius was frustrated, that much was clear. He wasn’t yelling anymore, so they were getting somewhere.
“Love me anyway.” He says quietly. “I’m still your brother.”
Always his brother. No matter what, they were still family. They were still blood.
Before anyone could say anything else, Sirius suddenly pulls Regulus into a hug. It’s light, just like it always was when they were little. Regulus never really liked touch; only from a select few. Sirius was foreign now, but somehow still felt safe.
He broke. Regulus broke. Regulus, who has been building up wall upon wall to stop this from happening. Regulus, who avoided even looking at his brother because it hurt so much. Regulus, who only found comfort in solitude with Barty. Regulus Black finally broke.
His brother tore all those walls down within a matter of minutes. The ones he worked so hard to build. Sirius. His brother. His big brother.
He sobbed in Sirius’ hold, clinging to his shirt.
“I loved him.” He chokes out.
“I know.” Sirius says quietly, gently running his fingers through Regulus’ hair.
“I still love him.”
“I know.”
And Regulus cried. He cried and sobbed until his throat was sore, until his head was pounding.
After a long while, his cries fade to sniffles. Even so, he stays in Sirius’ arms.
“I’m sorry.” Regulus mumbles, not looking up from Sirius’ chest.
“You don’t need to be.” He replies just as quietly. “I’m sorry. I was a bitch, I didn’t let you explain. I assumed the worst. After I left, I assumed… I assumed they changed you. You always listened to them. You never stood up for yourself. Without me there- I thought-” he takes a breath. “I thought they changed you.”
“I did it to keep you safe.” Regulus admits, swallowing hard. “I couldn’t lose you.”
“And for James.” Sirius breathes out a laugh.
“Okay, maybe a little for James.” Regulus says, a soft laugh escaping him. It wasn’t really a laugh, more like a breath of air, but it was something.
“He loved you. He really did.” Sirius says softly.
“I want him back.” Regulus whispers.
“I do too.” And Sirius finally lets a tear fall.
“We will be okay, right…?” Regulus asks quietly, finally lifting his head to look at Sirius. He saw the stray tear. He saw the hurt in his eyes.
“We’ll be okay.” Sirius replies, and he means it. They will be okay.
Regulus will be okay.
They are going to be okay. For James.
~
Barty was always described as the energetic one. He was loud and chaotic. He was the one who could crack jokes at any moment. He was always the life of the party.
Now, he was just dull. There was no more light in his eyes. No more chaos. No more energy.
Barty didn’t know how to function without Evan. Evan was his lifeline. It didn’t matter what Regulus did; he was unfixable.
Without Evan’s good morning kisses, without cuddling Evan every night to go to sleep, without being held by Evan when he was in a bad mood, Barty was nothing. He needed Evan to be the person he was.
Regulus tried, he really did. He tried to make Barty feel better, but it was no use. He would never be who he used to be. That Barty was fueled by Evan.
And there was no more Evan.
“Barty, are you coming to dinner?” Regulus asks, sitting on the edge of Barty’s bed. Barty was under the covers, staring at the wall.
He shakes his head, not moving his gaze from the wall.
“You really should eat.” Regulus pries, trying to get him up.
Barty doesn’t move.
“Is it because you can’t fathom going out in front of people right now?” Regulus asks, hand moving to Barty’s shoulder, rubbing it softly.
Barty nods this time, curling his knees towards his chest.
“How about we wait a bit, then I go get some food from the kitchen? I’m sure the elves won’t mind,” Regulus says softly. “Then you can eat, but you don’t have to go out in front of people. Deal?”
Barty hesitates, but nods in agreement, albeit reluctantly. “As long as you eat as well. I know you have been skipping meals.”
“Alright, fine. How are you doing?” He moves back so he is leaning against the headboard of the bed.
“I’ve been better.” He says quietly, finally rolling so he is looking at Regulus.
“There’s that pretty face.” Regulus smiles.
“You’ve been crying,” Barty observes. “Your eyes are red.”
“Well aren’t you just very observant today?” Regulus sighs. “Yes, I was crying. But you have been laying in this bed for who knows how long, so you are no better.”
“Well then, let’s just agree on the fact we are both fucked up, yeah?”
“Fine by me.”
They sat there for a while in silence. It was a peaceful silence, at least for Barty it was. Regulus’ eyes kept darting back and forth, and Barty could easily assume he didn’t want to be stuck with his thoughts at the moment.
“You know, you can just talk if you need to. We don’t have to sit in silence.” Barty takes Regulus’ hand in his own, holding it gently.
“You just always know what I’m feeling, don’t you?”
“I know you hate silence just as much as you hate being alone.”
They hold each other’s gaze for what feels like forever, when in reality it is only a couple seconds. Barty gets lost in the beauty of Regulus’ soft, grey eyes. They were mesmerizing, just like Evan’s always were.
“Your eyes always reminded me of Evan’s, you know,” Barty says, still holding Regulus’ hand. “His were always just slightly more blue than yours.”
“Really?” Regulus was slightly surprised at the statement.
“Yeah. They shine in the same way. His eyes were always a little softer than yours, like he wasn’t hiding as much as you were. Like he was never as scared or defensive as you were.”
“You are in an analyzing mood today, I see.”
“Your eyes always got softer when James was around. It was like he could just take down all of your walls by simply walking into the room.” Barty continues, bringing a hand to Regulus’ cheek.
Regulus sighs, moving so he is laying next to Barty. “I miss him. A lot.”
That was just the hard truth, wasn’t it? No matter how much time would pass, no matter how much either of them tried to forget it, it would be impossible. James and Evan were always going to be a part of them, no matter how much they tried to deny it.
“I know. I miss Evan more than words can describe.”
“Is that why you were crying?” Regulus asks softly, locking eyes with Barty again.
“Yeah. No matter how often I try to just forget, I can’t. I still see his body every time I close my eyes. I still remember how he tried to tell me it was going to be okay. I remember every little detail from that day. Nothing will change it. I can’t go back in time and fix it, but I can’t forget it. I can’t stop trying to think of what I could have done differently. If I could have changed the outcome somehow.” Tears were falling from Barty’s eyes once more.
“I don’t think there is anything to be done. It doesn’t matter how you think you can change it, they are dead.” Regulus pulls Barty into a hug, holding him close.
“I can’t move on.” Barty whispers, letting himself be hugged by Regulus. It was nice to see Regulus be vulnerable with someone.
“I don’t think you ever will. I know I won’t. I could get married and grow old with someone else, but James will always be a part of me. He will always be the one I love. Nobody can replace him.” Regulus admits quietly.
“I don’t think I could love anyone else the way I loved Evan.”
“And that’s okay. It doesn’t matter if you date someone, but don’t love them to that full extent. It doesn’t matter if you never love again.”
“Thank you.” Barty whispers.
“For what?”
“For staying. For helping me.”
“I’ll never leave. Just like you said. We are always going to be with each other, until the very end.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. I’ll never leave you Barty.”
“I’ll never leave you either, Regulus.”
They stay like that for a while; Barty just laying in Regulus’ arms. This time, Regulus seemed more relaxed, almost like he didn’t mind the silence.
After a while, Regulus speaks, breaking the silence. “I should go get that food now. You need to eat.”
“No, just stay like this. We can get food later.” Barty mumbles, curling further into Regulus’ chest.
“Fine, but only because you look comfy right now. Next time I’m not going to be as nice.”
They end up staying curled up like that for a long time, just enjoying each other’s presence. Every once in a while, one of them would talk, telling stories or just simply speaking what was on their mind.
Regulus did eventually leave to go get them some food, much to Barty’s discontent. He pouted like a toddler, but still Regulus left.
They had a lovely night, and fell asleep in Barty’s bed. They were on opposite sides of the bed, but drifted towards each other in their sleep. It was adorable, really. Regulus woke up in Barty’s arms, and he didn’t dare to move. Barty was holding him close, like it was the only comfort he had. Regulus didn’t mind staying like that for a while, waiting for Barty to wake up.
They would be okay, because that was how they were. They would always be okay, no matter what.
~
“Barty, I really don’t want to go to a party.” Regulus groaned, burying his face in a pillow.
“Come on, it will be so fun! Plus, you know what today is. We both need a distraction. You will be fine. I will put some liquor in you, and you will be good to go.” Barty pushed his shoulder to roll Regulus onto his back. Regulus was glaring back at him.
Of course Regulus knew what today was. It had been 3 months since the battle. The battle that will always haunt the two of them. How could he possibly forget the day the love of his life died?
“You know I hate parties. All this is going to do is piss me off more.” Regulus grumbled, crossing his arms.
“Please, Reg? I promise I won’t leave you alone. We can drink and dance all we want. I won’t go and make out with some girl while I’m drunk off my ass, I promise.” He draws out the ‘Please,’ which just makes Regulus more annoyed.
Barty had been doing better recently. He started to get a little color back. He doesn’t crack nearly as many jokes as before, and he doesn’t act out in class, but it’s better than nothing. He was slowly improving.
Regulus on the other hand, well he was definitely better than he previously was. He wasn’t sobbing just by looking at James’ friends anymore. He wasn’t skipping classes after seeing something that reminded him of James. Compared to the first week, he was doing better. Even so, he wouldn’t say that he was doing good. He felt disconnected from the world in a way. Everything felt off without James there. Barty tried to help, he really did, but it just wasn’t the same. Nothing could ever compare to James.
Fine. I’ll go. But I’m not happy about it.” Regulus truly had no idea why he was giving into Barty’s wishes. Perhaps he just really needed the distraction.
“We are going to have so much fun, promise!” Barty was grinning like he knew that he won.
“We aren’t doing anything crazy. I’m not making any stupid drunk mistakes tonight.” Regulus rolls his eyes, still unimpressed with himself for actually agreeing to go to a stupid party.
“Deal. You will not embarrass yourself tonight.”
~
“I’m not going.” Regulus mumbles, face shoved in a pillow once again.
“No, you already agreed to go, no takesies-backsies.”
“You sound like a child, Barty.”
“You’re acting like a child, Regulus.”
The remembrance of what today actually was hit Regulus randomly, and it hit hard. He was just minding his business, when he found a small note James had given him a while back, and he then proceeded to curl into his bed and refuse to leave.
“I’m not going.” He repeats, curling up in a ball.
“Reg, come on. You promised.” Barty whines, trying to pull him out of bed.
“Yeah, well now I’m sad, and I’m not going.”
“That’s why we are going to the party! It’s a distraction so you don’t sit here and mope all night. Trust me, we will get a few drinks in you, and everything will be fine.” Barty finally manages to get Regulus’ head out of the pillow, so it was a start.
“I really don’t want to go, Barty. You will have so much more fun if I don’t go.” Regulus truly didn’t want to go. He was dreading it, in fact. He didn’t want a distraction. He was perfectly fine with moping around the dorm all night.
“No. I’m not taking no for an answer. You are coming, and that is final.” Barty was being incredibly stubborn, and it was obvious that Regulus couldn’t get out of this.
“Fine, fine I will go. But I’m not getting into trouble with you. I’m not getting drunk, and I’m not going to let you convince me to do something stupid.”
Barty smiles triumphantly, clearly proud of himself.
“Just so you know, I’m only going so I can get you to shut up. I do not want to be there.”
“I promise, you will be okay. You need the distraction.”
Barty has been big on distractions lately. He was always looking for one. Any time Regulus wasn’t doing well, Barty would just say that he needed a distraction. Regulus knew it was a coping mechanism, but it was getting old. Barty couldn’t run from the truth forever.
Barty managed to drag Regulus to the party, after a lot of protests from Regulus.
Why would he want to go to a party when his boyfriend is dead? It’s the anniversary of the battle, for crying out loud. Why was Barty so adamant on going out?
As they walk in, Regulus is immediately greeted with loud music, the strong smell of alcohol, and a crowd of people. Wonderful.
Barty drags him over to the drink table, where the smell is even worse. Regulus hated parties, hell, social gatherings of any sort, all the time, but especially when all he wanted to do was lay in bed. This was torture.
Barty pours Regulus a cup of who knows what. “Drink up, Reg. Wash the feelings away.”
Regulus takes a sip, and is met with a foul tasting drink. So foul he wanted to throw the cup at Barty and run away. Even so, he downs it, trying to numb the feeling of whatever the fuck his emotions were trying to tell him.
“That’s the spirit!” Barty says, smiling as he pours Regulus another drink. “Maybe don’t drink every single one that fast. Don’t need you drunk off your ass.”
Turns out neither one of them listened to Barty’s advice.
Throughout the night, the two of them progressively drank more and more. It was obvious that Regulus doesn’t do this often, because it didn’t take much to get him wasted.
At one point, Regulus was all over Barty. He was always touching the boy in some way. Currently, they were laying on a couch, with Regulus draped over Barty’s body.
“Did you know that you are so pretty?” Regulus mumbles, words slurred.
“Am I now?” Barty laughs lightly, running his fingers through Regulus’ hair. Truth be told, he wasn’t as drunk as he would like to be, but based on how Regulus was acting, Barty would be playing the slightly more responsible one. He was still plenty drunk to not remember anything, he just wasn’t black out wasted.
Regulus nods, shifting slightly. “You remind me of James.” Even while drunk, Regulus was still talking about James.
“How do I remind you of James?”
“Everything. I find James in every little detail, but a lot in you. The way you care about me, your hair, your irresponsibility, all of it.” Regulus was very quiet now. He looks up at Barty, eyes wide. Vulnerable.
Without thinking, Regulus leans forward and kisses Barty. It’s soft and light. Tender. Barty can’t help but lean into it, carefully holding Regulus’ face in his hands.
Barty pulls back, realizing this will end up being a stupid mistake. He sits up, propping himself up. “Reg, we shouldn’t-”
“I don’t care. You said find a distraction. I found one.” Regulus sits up as well, and pulls Barty’s shirt collar, kissing him again, this time a little more passionately.
Barty’s hazy mind can’t seem to say no, especially since Regulus is a good kisser. Like a really good one.
Somehow, they end up against a wall. And sitting in each other’s laps in a chair. And on the floor. And in Regulus’ bed.
Barty refused to sleep with Regulus. He knew this was Regulus trying to cope, and he wouldn’t let it go too far. Regulus pulls his shirt off, kissing Barty again.
“Reg, no. I’m not doing this. You are clearly wasted and trying to cope-”
“Barty, please. Please. I want you, I need you.” Regulus was quite literally begging.
“Regulus, you don’t want me. You want James.” It hurt Barty to say that, but he knew it was true. Regulus would always want James.
“No Barty I want you-”
“Regulus, I said no. Sleeping with me won’t fix the hole in your heart. Nothing will. Nothing will ever compare to James, and I won’t let you sleep with me just because you are drunk and trying to cope with losing him.”
And Regulus just breaks. One moment he was kissing Barty and trying to strip, and the next he was sobbing uncontrollably.
“Hey, no, don’t cry.” Barty sighs, pulling Regulus into a hug.
“I want him back. I want him so bad. I need him.” He was shaking, words barely even coherent.
“I know. I know.” Barty knew all too well. There were days when the only thing he could think about was Evan. There were days that he almost couldn’t stand the fact Evan wasn’t there.
Regulus ends up falling asleep. Barty carefully lays him down on the bed, and goes back down to the party. He takes shot after shot, drowning out any thoughts of Evan, then stumbles back upstairs. He throws his shirt (which was a crop top showing off his abs) on the floor and crawls into the bed next to Regulus, clinging to the sleeping boy. He lays there and sobs. Regulus is out cold with no recollection of what is even happening, but Barty doesn’t care. He prefers it like this, in fact. He wanted to be strong for Regulus, but it was so hard.
Barty falls asleep clinging to Regulus while sobbing, forgetting all about the events that went down that night.
~
Regulus woke up with his head absolutely pounding. Every little piece of light in the room made him want to throw up. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and he felt incredibly gross. He tried to sit up, but that’s when he realized something.
Barty was laying right next to him, also shirtless, and the boy was practically clinging to Regulus.
“Barty what the fuck?!” Regulus yells, immediately scrambling away. What in the world happened?
Barty suddenly wakes, looking perpetually confused. “What did I do?”
“Why are you- why am I- what the actual fuck-” Regulus was at a loss for words. “Did you sleep with me?!”
“Reg, your pants are still on, calm down.” Barty sighs, laying back down on the bed. “You must want me really bad if that’s the first conclusion you jump to.”
“The why the fuck are we in bed together?” Regulus asks, choosing to ignore Barty’s comment. He wasn’t in the mood for that at the moment.
“We were both drunk off our asses? I don’t fucking know? Just go back to bed.” Barty groans, hiding his face in the pillow, clearly fighting a headache.
Regulus runs a hand over his face, then slowly gets out of bed. He just needs to freshen up and drink some water. He’s fine.
As he starts to walk to the bathroom, he notices something on his desk. He walks over there, still having no memory of the previous night.
He is met with a multitude of polaroid pictures, all of which are him and Barty. Most of them are the two of them kissing.
Regulus is horrified. Utterly fucking mortified. They kissed. He kissed Barty, and from the looks of these pictures, he kissed him a lot.
“Bartemius Crouch Jr.”
“Seriously Reg we didn’t sleep toge-”
“Why the fuck are there pictures of us kissing on my desk?” Regulus was mad. He was furious, in fact.
“Hold on- wait- we what?” Barty finally sits up, looking at Regulus.
Regulus grabs the pile of pictures and stomps over to the bed, throwing them at Barty. Barty goes pale at the sight of them.
“Oh god.”
“You are never taking me out drinking again.” Regulus announces, running a hand through his hair.
They sit in silence for a bit, just trying to process what happened. The pictures showed them kissing in multiple different places, as well as Regulus clinging to Barty throughout the night. Who even took the pictures? More importantly, why did they take these pictures?
“Do you think there are multiple copies of those?” Barty asks quietly.
Regulus’ heart stops. The realization hits him, and he feels like he’s about to be sick.
If those pictures got out, or if anyone told either of their parents… they would both be fucked.
Barty is still pale. Extremely pale. Regulus can tell that he is panicking internally. He swallows down his own fear, and moves closer to Barty. “I’m sure it’s fine. We will be fine.”
“Reg… if those pictures got out…”
“I know. I know. But don’t think about that right now, okay?” Regulus was trying to stay calm, but he was freaking out in his mind.
Barty swallows hard, nodding. “Yeah. Okay.”
They spend most of the day in bed, trying to forget about the pictures. Regulus hid them in the bottom drawer of Barty’s desk since he never uses it anyways.
Regulus got them both glasses of water and some crackers. They pretty much just slept and tried to get rid of their hangovers all day.
Neither of them remembered the night before, but they knew that they were insanely drunk and made far too many mistakes.
Regulus just hoped that everything would turn out okay in the end. He really didn’t have time for any more stress in his life right now.
His parents finding out that they kissed was the last thing he needed.