Lost Love
War can divide the best things. It can separate friends and family.
For Regulus, it took his lover. War took James. His Jamie.
James wasn’t supposed to be involved in the battle. He was too young. He was only there to be medical help.
But he always had to be the hero.
Betrayed by that one friend, Peter. The rat. Regulus always had off vibes from him. There was something about him that didn’t make sense. His push to be popular, included, liked. Like he would give anything to get what he wants.
Joining Voldemort was obviously one of those things.
Regulus had to watch James die. He had to watch, and he couldn’t help. Because he was fighting on the opposite side.
The two knew that they were on opposite sides of the war, but they didn’t care. They stayed together in secret. Stolen glances and hidden touches. Meeting up once the rest of the castle was asleep. Walks along the edge of the forest, away from prying eyes. Despite the circumstances, it was perfect.
But when Regulus saw James get killed by that stupid rat, he broke. As much as he wanted to run, to scream, to cry- he knew it couldn’t. Because he was supposed to be fighting alongside the traitor.
Regulus fled. He acted like he had gotten wounded, and ran. He ran until he couldn’t breathe, and then he collapsed, sobbing. He lost James, and he never even got to say goodbye. He never even got to touch him one last time.
He sobbed until there was nothing left in him. He was just a body, laying on the cold, hard ground.
He laid there all night. He never moved. He didn’t love when nightfall came. He didn’t move when the temperature dropped. He didn’t even think about getting up when the sun rose.
He finally moved sometime that afternoon. Or maybe it was late morning. Regulus didn’t even know what day it was.
James was dead.
James was gone.
James.
James.
Jamie.
His Jamie was gone, and would never come back. Dead. Gone.
He didn’t go to the Slytherin dorms when he got back to the castle. He went to James’ dorm.
Regulus raided his things before anyone else could. He took the hoodie James always wore. He took the gold rings that were always on James’ fingers, even though Regulus didn’t wear gold. He took the shirts he loved the most. He took it all. He wasn’t going to let some damn people take away any sight of James. He wouldn’t let them.
He stuffs it all into a bag that James had beside his bed. He looks at all the pictures on the side table. They are all his friends. Sirius, Remus, even Peter. Some with Mary, Lily, and Marlene as well. They all look so happy.
There is one that brings tears back to Regulus’ eyes. It’s a picture of James’ parents. Regulus doesn’t know who will tell them James is dead; probably Sirius. For once, he is glad he never had to properly meet them. Or more like couldn’t. All he can think about is how fucking horrible he feels for them. Their only son. Their only child.
There is a mirror leaning against the wall, and Regulus can’t help but see his reflection as he walks by, and that’s when he remembers. He takes steps back, and looks at himself. But not at his red puffy eyes or his extremely pronounced eyebags. No, he looks at his chest. More specifically, he looks at the locket that dangled from his neck.
It’s silver, matching the rest of his jewelry. It’s a small oval shaped one, with a “J” engraved in it. Inside is a picture of James. He’s smiling, bright like the Sun. Always shining. He was Regulus’ Sun.
How was Regulus supposed to live without the Sun?
And that’s when it hits him. It hits him hard. James had the matching one. On him.
He died with it on him.
Regulus needed it. He needed it back. He needed to see James as well, but that wasn’t going to happen. The least he could do was hold onto the locket. Two pieces reunited, since they could never be.
He goes back to where the battle was. The smell of blood was still heavy in the air.
There are bodies everywhere, both Order members and Death Eaters. Regulus knows where he is going. How could he forget where he watched the love of his life die?
At this point, Regulus is praying that the locket broke. That it’s lying on the ground, shining in the sunlight.
He walks to where James had died. He has the exact spot engraved in his brain.
Once he gets there, he stops dead in his tracks. There, lying on the ground, was his body. Nobody came to collect it. Nobody even tried. He looks the exact same as he did in that moment. Eyes wide, body pale.
Regulus’ knees hit the ground, right by James’ body. The tears he thought were gone came back. Before he can even try to stop himself, he is sobbing over James. He clings to the lifeless body before him, uncontrollably sobbing.
His glasses were crooked, his hair was even messier than usual, his skin too pale, his body unmoving.
James was dead.
And Regulus couldn’t stop crying.
There, dangling off James’ neck, was the gold locket to match Regulus’ silver one. It was bright and shiny. James always made sure it was as bright as possible. On the small oval, there was an “R” engraved in it.
James and Regulus were no more. Now it was just Regulus.
Regulus hated being alone. There was something about it that haunted him. Something so deathly prominent that he avoids it like the plague. He will make it a point to always have a body in the area with him. Too many people is too much, but no people can lead to dark things.
James knew this. He was always with Regulus.
His body was here, but James wasn’t. James was gone, and he was never coming back.
Regulus felt so fucking alone. There was no more James. No more soft kisses, stolen glances, secret touches. Just Regulus and a dead body.
He clings to the locket around James' neck. The sobs wracked his body, so much he could barely breathe.
The reality of the situation hit Regulus hard and fast. There would be no more James. He was all alone now.
He cried and cried until he felt hands on his back. Shaky hands.
“Reg, you have to let him go.” It was Barty, and he was whispering.
Regulus slowly turns his head. Barty’s eyes were about as red as his own, hair about as messy as James’ was. He looked like shit. Regulus probably did too, but that was beside the point.
Regulus couldn’t speak. Maybe he forgot, maybe he simply couldn’t form words. Either way, he was so fucking done with this world. It took the one good thing he had left.
Barty drags him to his feet. Why was he even here?
Regulus can’t talk. He wants to scream, to fight, to run back to James, but he can’t speak. He can’t move. He lets Barty pull him up. He holds James’ locket in his hands, squeezing it tightly. It was imprinting on his hand, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t feel it anyways.
“Reg we have to go. I’m sorry.” Barty’s voice sounded tired, almost defeated in a way. He holds Regulus softly, hugging his practically limp body.
Regulus wasn’t sobbing anymore, but the tears never fully left. Maybe this was who he was now. A ghost wandering around, lost without his soul. James was his soul. How can he live without a soul?
His legs barely work. He doesn’t even feel real. Barty’s touch is so distant to him. All he can feel is pain. James is gone. James is gone and Regulus will never see him again.
As Barty starts to pull him away, Regulus’ eyes never leave James’ lifeless body. As much as he wants to, he can’t look away.
“Regulus, look at me. Don’t look at the body, look at me.” Barty tries to pry Regulus’ gaze away from James, but Regulus wouldn’t. He needed to memorize James’ face, his body, everything. He needed to memorize James.
“I know you want to stay, but we can’t. People are going to come by soon to collect bodies. We have to go.” Barty looked empty. He was paler than normal, and his eyes were dull. Red and empty.
Regulus finally looks away, but the image of James is still in his mind. He tries to think of happier times, but how can he when the image of James getting killed is replaying in his mind?
When he looks around, something catches his eye. A body, to be exact. It has blonde hair, with overgrown roots. And that is when it hits Regulus.
It’s Evan.
The body is Evan.
Suddenly, everything makes sense. Why Barty was there, why his eyes were so red, why he looked so empty.
Evan was dead.
And everything was quiet.
Barty was there because he was crying over Evan. They had been inseparable, those two. Always in each other’s laps, always kissing whenever possible.
And now Evan is dead.
And as reality sets in, Regulus can barely think.
Because what the fuck was wrong with this world?
~
It was supposed to be like any other small battle. No deaths, just injuries to scare the Order.
And now Barty was sobbing on the ground.
It all happened too fast. One moment, he’s glancing to check on Evan, and the next he sees Evan on the ground.
Barty runs to him. Everyone knows the two were dating; it was quite obvious. He doesn’t care about the battle or any eyes that could be on him.
“Evan!” he screams, hitting the ground and trying to hold him. “Evan baby what happened?” Barty was breathing hard, panic radiating off of him.
“Fuck.” he whispers, wincing slightly as Barty pulls him into his arms.
“Hey, you’re gonna be fine, just hold on for me.” Barty says not-so-calmly. He wanted to be composed for Evan, but he couldn’t. Evan was bleeding out, and Barty couldn’t do anything about it.
“I’m not Barty, and I know you know.” he says quietly. It was pretty obvious that Evan wasn’t making it. No matter what Barty said or did, Evan was going to die.
“No no it’s going to be okay I swear. You are going to be fine.” Barty’s hand was covered in blood. Evan’s blood.
“Barty please. You and I both know this isn’t going to end well.” Evan’s voice was strained, like he was using all of his energy just to try and comfort Barty.
“Please no, Evan you can’t leave me please just hang on-” Barty was pleading, begging for Evan to just fucking hang on.
He couldn’t handle what would happen if Evan wasn’t there. He was everything to Barty. How could Barty live- how could he function- without Evan? As Evan slowly began to fade, Barty’s soul did as well.
“I love you Bee. Don’t forget that, okay?” Evan’s eyes were drooping, struggling to stay open.
“I love you so much baby please don’t leave me, I can’t- I’m not-”
“Bee breathe for me. Please. Just keep breathing, alright? Even-” he coughs. “Even when I’m not, I need you to keep breathing.”
Barty was shaking, clinging to Evan’s body. His hand was on his heart, and he could feel Evan slipping away.
“Ev please don’t, just hang on for me please.” tears were streaming down his face.
“Barty, you have to stop okay?” His voice was raspy. “I love you so fucking much. I’m sorry.”
“No no no no-” Barty was pleading, begging, praying for something to happen. Something to keep Evan from dying.
“You’ll be okay. I promise.” Evan was pale, so very pale. He was slightly shaky, and he was barely holding onto Barty’s hand.
“I love you Evan.” He says quietly, tears streaming down his face. He squeezes his hand tightly. “I love you more than anything. I’m sorry.”
“Maybe in another life, yeah?” Evan whispers. “Maybe then we could be happy. Have a house out in the country, but still close enough to a town so you can easily get your cigarettes. It would be small, but have a big backyard. For parties.” He was smiling with tears slowly sliding down his cheeks.
Barty laughs. It’s a small, more like a breath laugh, but still one either way. “We would spoil James and Reg’s kids. Pandora’s too. We would be the cool Uncles.” Even though there is a small smile on his face, more tears fall.
“I will meet you in that other life, yeah?” Evan breathes out, body starting to relax.
“I’ll see you there Ev.” Barty holds back a sob, trying to keep it together.
“I love you Barty.”
“I love you Evan.”
And Evan never replied back.
Evan’s body goes limp against Barty, and he loses it. He sobs. He’s holding Evan’s lifeless body as tight as possible. They weren’t supposed to end like this. They were supposed to grow old, but not as old as most, because of all the smoking and alcohol. It was supposed to be their perfect little life,
And now Evan was gone, and so was that life.
Even after everyone fled the scene, Barty remained. He stayed even after he was out of tears. He held Evan against him, trying to memorize his body, his scent, everything. He wanted to always remember how soft his hair was, how his body felt in his arms, how even in death he looked calm. He wanted to memorize Evan. He needed to.
He lost track of everything. At one point, he shifted to laying on top of Evan, searching for a heartbeat that wasn’t there.
He didn’t move from Evan. He stayed there, never leaving his body. He couldn’t.
Evan was his everything. His whole world. Without Evan, nothing felt real. The world wasn’t spinning, time was stuck. He needed Evan.
After who knows how long, Barty heard something. It was Regulus. Barty turns his head, still laying on the lifeless body, to see Regulus over one himself. James.
Oh fuck.
Regulus didn’t trust many people. There were very few he would even look at, let alone talk to, let alone trust.
James was at the top of that list.
They were always together, never without each other for long. Regulus would panic if he didn’t see James after so long.
Oh Regulus.
How could Barty mourn Evan, when he had to be there for Regulus? Sure, Barty lost his everything, but so did Regulus.
And it was fucking hard for Regulus to trust someone that well.
Barty and Regulus were all each other had. That was just the truth.
Regulus would try to shut down. He would try to ignore all of his problems; he would try to forget about James.
So even though Barty was hurting, even though Barty was so fucking devastated, lost, and practically a ghost in his skin, Regulus needed him.
Barty got up. He carefully slid the two rings Evan wore off of his fingers, placing them on his own.
Barty always wore eight, Evan wore two.
Barty wore ten now.
He found it ironic that one of the rings, a simple silver band, fit perfectly on the ring finger on his left hand.
Maybe that was fate. Barty won’t be able to love anyone the way he did Evan. It wasn’t possible. What he and Evan had were special. It was theirs.
He kisses Evan one last final time. It’s a soft kiss, one which they barely shared. They always shared hard, hungry kisses. They needed to taste each other. They needed the other to know how devoted they were, how much they loved each other.
But this one was soft. Like they were when Barty had an episode, or got a letter from his father. Like they were when Evan felt horrible, when he couldn’t look at his own body.
The soft kisses were the ones that meant the most.
He gives that one final kiss, knowing it had to be soft. Evan was dead, and he had to be gentle.
He shakily stands up, looking at Evan. At his pale body. His roots that desperately needed to be done. They were going to re-bleach it tomorrow. Or maybe it was today. What day was it even?
He feels tears stinging his eyes, but he blinks them away. He had to be strong for Regulus. He needed him.
With one final glance at Evan, he shakily turns away, going to Regulus.
After plenty of coaxing, he finally got Regulus up off the ground. He looked about as dead as Barty most likely did.
He sees the moment Regulus notices Evan’s body. Barty sees the look on his face when he connects the dots. When he sees why Barty’s eyes were red, when he sees why Barty looked so empty.
They both lost their world that day.
Silently, they made a pact. It would be them together. They weren’t going to leave.
Barty saw the locket in Regulus’ hands. How tight he was holding it. It was James’ locket.
They went to their dorm. Regulus needed to lay down, he looked wretched.
Stepping into the dorm was a horrible idea for Barty. All the reminders of Evan were impossible to ignore. How could he? Evan was everywhere. His bed, his clothes, his things, even Barty’s bed was a reminder of Evan.
Regulus had a bag. It had a bunch of James’ things in it. Barty felt so fucking horrible, and he wanted to comfort Regulus, but Evan was in every little corner. Every single crack. Everywhere Barty looked, he was reminded of Evan.
The tears were falling before Barty could stop them. He tried to stop, he tried to force them back, but he couldn’t. Every single little particle was a reminder of Evan.
Regulus carefully hugs Barty, who can’t help but completely break at the touch. Not many people could touch Barty. Evan and Regulus were the only ones.
Now it was just Regulus.
And that makes him cry more. The tears just keep falling, keep running down his face, getting soaked up by Regulus’ shirt. It was actually James’ shirt, but he wasn’t around anymore. It was Regulus’ now.
He was shaking, clinging to Regulus. Everywhere he tried to look, he saw Evan. His lifeless body was stuck in his mind. He couldn’t escape.
It felt like the world was closing in on him. Everything was so suffocating, like the thought of Evan was cutting off his airway. He needed Evan back. He needed Evan to breathe, to live, to function. He needed his Ev. He needed his world, his universe, his everything.
Barty needed Evan back.
Regulus didn’t speak, he just held Barty gently, running his fingers through Barty’s hair. They stood there, in the middle of their dorm, which now felt so foreign. Like nothing could be touched. If they touched anything, it would get rid of Evan.
Barty just cried. It’s all he could do. Even as they slid to the floor, even as Regulus was crying, he couldn’t stop. No matter how much he wanted to stop, he just couldn’t. Even when all he wanted to do was comfort Regulus, he couldn’t. Evan was gone and there was no bringing him back.
“I’m sorry.” He finally chokes out at one point, trying to rid his tears.
“Don’t be sorry. You lost someone too.” Regulus whispers, taking a shaky breath. His face was partially in Barty’s hair, taking in any comfort he could.
“You lost James.”
“You lost Evan.”
And that was the horrible part, wasn’t it? They both lost the person most important to them. It was like they lost everything.
But they still had each other.
“I’ll never leave. I promise.” Barty whispers. He knows Regulus needs that. Anything to grab onto to know he isn’t alone. Anything to keep him present.
Regulus holds him tighter. Barty knows that Regulus will need time before he can open up. It’s the reality, Regulus didn’t trust easily, and he certainly doesn’t open up right away.
They are quiet for a while, just existing with each other. Regulus holding onto Barty like he is the only thing keeping him from drowning; Barty clinging to Regulus like he will disappear if he loosens his grip, even just a bit.
Regulus was shaking just slightly. More like twitches in his body than actual shaking. His breathing was uneven, like he was holding his emotions back.
Barty lifts his head slightly, looking at Regulus. “You are allowed to be vulnerable too, you know.” He says softly.
Regulus doesn’t respond. Barty tried again.
“It’s okay Reg. I promise. I won’t judge you, I won’t let go. I’m right here.”
Before Regulus can stop it, tears are streaming down his face. His body starts to shake.
Barty shifts, pulling him into a lighter embrace. It can never be too tight; Regulus wasn’t the best with touch.
“He’s gone.” Regulus chokes out.
“I know.” Barty’s hand was in Regulus’ hair, slowly running his fingers through it.
“How can I live without him?”
“I don’t know.”
“How can you live without Evan?”
“I don’t know”
“How the fuck are we supposed to keep going?”
“I don’t know.”
And that was the hard truth. Barty truthfully didn’t know what they were going to do. He didn’t know how they were supposed to keep going. He didn’t know anything.
And so the two laid there, tangled in each other’s arms for a long time. They didn’t know how to keep going; they didn’t know how to exist, so they just stayed put.
“Please don’t leave me.” Regulus whispers after a while.
“As long as you don’t leave me.” Barty replies back softly.
“I promise.”
“I promise.”
Soft promises made to never leave. It doesn’t seem like much at first, but to Barty, it was everything. He knew it was to Regulus as well. The promise to never leave, no matter what.
Was it a reasonable promise? No. Anything could happen to either one of them. There are so many reasons pointing against their odds. But at that moment, they both needed it. That promise to always be there.
“I’ll never leave.” Barty promises softly, holding Regulus closer.
And those three words just had to be enough.