Secrets
James smiled at them. He seemed tired from flying, and didn't suspect anything of the two boys coming out of Sirius' room at first.
"Hey" He greeted them, a bit breathless.
"Hey" The other too greeted him too. It was a bit awkward, which was weird. They always had so much to talk about.
Finally, Remus came up with a bit of small talk. "You were outside too long, weren't you?"
"Yeah." James nodded. "Time flies when you're flying" he joked. They all chuckled awkwardly. Finally, James went to shower and he left Sirius and Remus alone, standing in the living room. They sat on opposite couches, silently, not sure of what to say but feeling the tension grow between them. They heard the faint sound of the shower jet as James turned on the water, and they knew he was going to be in there for at least an hour. He always took too long in the shower. Remus spoke again.
"You think we've time to read another page?" He said tentatively.
Sirius smirked at Remus' interest for his uncle's diary. That was the reaction that he wanted out of him. "Sure," he said. "But we must be quick. James would take long, but the less time we lose the better." They got up from where they had been sitting seconds ago, and rushed to Sirius' dorm again.
They passed the bathroom door, where James was showering, and reached the big mahogany door to Sirius' dorm. Just when they were about to open it and get inside to keep reading the diary, they heard a loud 'thud' from James' room. Then they heard the screech of an owl.
Sirius and Remus looked at each other surprised, not expecting anyone to send an owl to James. It might have been Peter, but he was in Germany right now, so it probably wasn't him. They didn't want to be nosey, but decided to go to James' room. Not to read the letter, but to let the owl in and take the letter for him. He was still showering.
They reached the door to James' dorm and opened it, finding a very messy red and gold adorned room, and the windows closed, an owl waiting outside with a letter tied in its claw. Sirius froze when he saw that owl. And Remus did too.
It was one of the Black family's owl; big and royal-looking. Remus knew them from the letters they used to send to Sirius on his firsts years at Hogwarts. But Sirius knew that owl better. It was his brother's. It was the owl his parents had gave to Regulus on one of his birthdays. Regulus was sending a letter to James. But why? That was what Sirius wondered, and he couldn't help the way his heartbeat quickened. Why wouldn't James tell him something like that?
He had to know. He had to know now.
Leaving Remus behind, frozen in the doorway, he reaches for the window and let the owl inside, unleashing the letter from its claw and letting it fly again to his old house. To Regulus.
He stared at the letter for a good amount of time, and didn't even notice how Remus walked beside him and peeked over his shoulder. It was easy for him, since he was one head taller than Sirius. He read the name "Regulus A. Black" written with a neat handwriting on the back of the envelope and his heart stopped too. What was doing Regulus sending a letter to James? Didn't he hate them all? Especially James?
Just when Sirius had decided that he needed to read the letter, they heard James' voice from behind them, opening the door. He sounded surprised to find them there.
"Hey. What are you doing here...?" He said. He took some steps towards them, his hair still dripping wet from the shower, and then he saw the letter. Remus turned to look at him and saw how his face turned white, and he could almost hear his heart stopping. Sirius was still too shocked, but also looked at him.
"James, we didn't want to-" Remus started, but Sirius cut him off, speaking in what sounded almost like a whisper.
"What is this? Why didn't you tell me that my brother wrote you letters? Why does he??" He asked, needing answers. He was getting more nervous and angry by the second. Remus noticed this, but didn't intervene, knowing better than to try to calm Sirius when he was like this. He should wait a bit. Just a bit.
James sat on the bed, shaking a bit from the shock. He ran a hand through his damp hair, combing it back and let out a shaky breath before speaking.
"Look, I can explain..."
"Explain what? What is going on, James?" Sirius asked again, his voice louder. Remus was glad that James' parents weren't there. He didn't say a word, just stared at the two of them in this "talk". He felt like he was superfluous, like he shouldn't be there. But he was curious. Why had James lied to them? And more importantly, why had he lied to Sirius, when he was his best friend?
James seemed really nervous. He was almost shaking on his bed. Remus had never seen him like this, he was usually so confident.
Sirius waited impatiently, wanting answers, needing answers. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest, taking a step forward.
"So? Are you going to tell me?" Sirius chimed again, growing more impatient by the second.
James was starting to sweat again, from nervousness. Finally he spoke again.
"Regulus wrote to me because..." He swallowed hard, and ran a hand through his hair again. Now Remus was curious too, wanting to know why. This was so weird, seeing James so nervous and vulnerable. Sirius was probably about to snap at any moment, Remus could tell.
"Because?" Sirius pressed further, now getting anxious too.
James took a deep shaky breath, as if mentally preparing himself about what he was going to confess.
"Because he and I were together..." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Remus felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room, feeling his chest grow tighter and a lump forming in his throat. He could tell Sirius was feeling something similar. Or even worse.
His eyes were wide with shock and he was frozen in place. Remus could almost hear his heart beating against his chest, really hard. This had been something completely unexpected. For both of them.
James was sitting on the bed, his hair starting to dry and sticking up to all directions, as usual. His leg was bouncing up and down in nervousness, something really odd for James Potter. He was always so happy and confident, and seeing him so small, like this, was really odd.
"You... what??" Sirius asked, shocked. "You and my brother did what??"
"We were together..." James said, now a bit louder. "Until... This year..." He said.
Sirius remembered what had happened that year. James and Regulus had had an argument on the prefects compartment, when they were on the train. James told Sirius that he had seen Regulus' arm. He had gotten the mark. Sirius could tell why they weren't together anymore. "How did it happen?"
"How did what happen?" James asked, still not looking directly at Sirius.
"How did you and my brother started going out? When? Why didn't I know? Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius asked, anxiously. Remus watched him, but reminded silent. This was something between James and Sirius.
James reminded silent for what seemed like hours, measuring his words. How he would talk about this, how would he explain to his best friend that he had been going out with his little brother for two years and hadn't told him. Hadn't told anyone. How could you explain that?
"It... It all started in fourth year..." He said, sheepishly.
Sirius eyes widened even more, in shock. Two years?!?! James had been lying to him for two years?!?!
Sirius didn't say anything, wanting James to elaborate more.
"He and I... Well, we sort of starting finding each other everywhere... No matter where I was, he was always there... And... I started to... kind of falling for him..." He explained.
Sirius was speechless. His best friend had fallen in love with his brother, and hadn't thought about telling him. "How did you two end up together?" He asked again.
"I... I knew he was very good at potions, that he knew about advanced stuff... And you know I suck at potions. So I used it as an excuse to... Be together... I found him once, writing something he didn't want me to see, but I read it anyway... I asked him to help me with potions and... He agreed...
"We kept it as a secret. Secret meetings in hidden places of the castle. He explained to me the things that I didn't know and... Actually my grades got better... One day, it all... It just happened we... We kissed..." James said, the words 'we kissed' sounding really small. He really was nervous, babbling and stuttering every word.
Sirius couldn't believe it. How hadn't they find out? They had the map, for god's sake! They could have just looked at it, and see them together! And, god, James had always been saying that he was in love with Lily Evans. Was it just a cover? Was he in love with Regulus and Lily? It was all so confusing...
"So, you and my little brother had been dating for two bloody years and hadn't even thought of telling me..."
"We didn't tell anyone!" James chimed in quickly, finally looking at him. "It had to be secret. I really, really wanted to tell you, but Reg thought that you'd get mad or something like that... We... He just wanted some privacy, that's all..."
Sirius cringed when James called his brother 'Reg'. He had never called him that. He always referred to him as 'Sirius' brother' or 'Regulus'. But never that. Things were so weird, now...
"So, you broke up with him after two years of dating. It was because of the mark, right?" He said, now feeling angry at James. He didn't like his brother, he hated that he was on his parents' side, but he was still his little brother, and he knew that under all that stoic and cold facade, he was soft and vulnerable. Regulus grew too attached to people who were nice with him, and James had certainly been the best to him. Better than Sirius ever had been. And when James broke up with him, he probably had feel knackered. Broken. James had probably hurt him a lot.
James nodded, avoiding Sirius' gaze again. He felt guilty, now he regretted not having told anything to Sirius. "It... It was hard but... Apparently he took it... well. Not exactly that, but... As well as he could... We stopped talking... And he respected my space, just like I did with his."
Sirius kept silent again, thinking about everything, the shock slowly wearing off. It was a lot to take in.
Remus was as shocked as Sirius, but hadn't said anything yet. He felt like he shouldn't be in that room, as if he was useless there, but he couldn't bring himself to leave.
"Why does he still write to you?" Sirius asked then.
"I don't know. We haven't written to each other all summer. I don't know what he wants, I wasn't expecting that letter..." James said. Finally, after what felt like hours, Remus spoke again. Both boys were startled by the sound of his voice, as if they had forgotten that he was still there.
"You should read it, then. It must be important if he has written to you again." He said. James nodded, and stood from the bed, walking towards his desk where the letter laid. He looked at it for long minutes before taking it in his hands, and carefully opening the envelope.