Mysteries
«I know we can't be together anymore, I know why, I understand. I know I shouldn't write you, I know I shouldn't have been with you ever. But I couldn't help it.
You may wonder why am I writing you. Of course, we haven't spoke since that argument on the train. I have to explain. I know you and I can't be together anymore, but I have to explain why I did that. I don't want you to think that I wanted this, because I didn't.
Since Sirius ran away, things have been mad at home. Now I am the heir, and my parents and my whole family expect great things from me. Huge things. It's too much for me. I know you've seen Sirius' scars, and my own scars, so you know what would happen if I dared to disobey them. I couldn't. They forced me, I didn't have any other option. You know me, I wouldn't side with someone like that. I wouldn't.
I know that writing this is useless, you made clear that you didn't want to be with me anymore, but I had to explain, though too late, the things I couldn't say back then.
R.A.B.»
***
James was speechless after reading the letter. He couldn't believe that they had done that to him. And they would have done the same to Sirius, if he hadn't ran away. James couldn't believe that such persons existed, They hardly even loved their children, and forced them to be copies of themselves. And so generation after generation.
Remus and Sirius didn't read the letter. They understood that this was something personal, and that only James should read it. They went to Sirius' room, but they didn't continue reading the diary. Sirius was still wrapping his mind around anything, and Remus could sense that he was about to burst with questions. Remus didn't know what to do, how to help him. He had too many questions himself, and he was almost as shocked as Sirius.
They both sat on the bed, silently trying to wrap their minds about this newfound information. Both wanted to know what that letter said, but they understood that it was something private.
Remus couldn't stop wondering. He understood why James hadn't told Sirius; he hated his brother, but he was over protective with him at the same time, and knowing that his best friend had been fucking his brother—most likely—wouldn't be exactly pleasant. But, why not him? He knew that Sirius and James were best friends, but Remus and he were best friends too. He could have trusted him to keep the secret from Sirius. Okay, maybe they wanted to keep it extremely secret. But how hadn't they noticed that James wasn't around? How had they been so oblivious?
And, was James truly in love with Regulus? Was Regulus in love with James? Remus was glad to know that he wasn't the only queer in the group, besides Marlene. But he hadn't come out yet, and James' had been really forced. He could tell he hadn't count on telling them that he was gay (or maybe bi?) so suddenly. It was a lot to take in.
"How... How do you feel?" Remus said shyly, watching Sirius sitting on his bed. Remus knew the journal was now under the mattress again. He was curious about that, he wanted to know what was that other thing Sirius wanted to show him about his father and his uncle, because he was sure there was something else. But this was more important now.
"I..." Sirius said, sighing in frustration. It was difficult to express his feelings with words. He felt... Angry, betrayed, confused, shocked... A lot of things at the same time, things that overwhelmed him even now when everything had been explained to him. And to Remus.
They reminded silent for what felt like hours, both in their heads, thinking about the revelation. Remus couldn't stop wondering about Lily. James seemed to be so smitten by her, even when he had been dating Regulus. Was it all fake? Was he truly in love with her? Was her his second option? If that was the case, he felt really bad for Lily. She didn't like James, but still, being the second option wasn't pleasant. Remus knew that feeling awfully well.
They heard the front door open and Euphemia's voice announcing that she and Fleamont had arrived. Sirius and Remus heard the door of James' room open and footsteps down the stairs, going to meet his parents. Sirius and Remus shall go downstairs too, it was getting late and they would have dinner soon. The journal would have to wait.
Sirius left the room first, but Remus stayed for a bit. He looked at the drawer where the letters his father had wrote to Alphard where. They were Sirius', he knew. But he was curious, he wanted to read them. Maybe he'll get to know a bit more about his father...
But he couldn't. They were Sirius'. He was sure that he would let him read them if he asked, he shouldn't take them. And with the shock of James and Regulus...
But the temptation was too strong. It won't hurt him, and he would out them back in its place when he finished reading them. Sirius won't have to know...
Sighing in defeat, he opened the drawer, and he was about to take the letters when he noticed that they weren't there anymore. He looked twice before confirming that the letters weren't there. He decided that it was a sign to let it be for now. He had seen Sirius put the letters back in the drawer. Where had they gone?
He left the room and went downstairs to meet with the others too. Euphemia was already cooking dinner and Fleamont had disappeared in his office, as usual. Everything was apparently normal between Sirius and James. Everything was... Normal. But the mysterious disappearance of the letters still bothered Remus....